Sunday, October 28, 2012

Visitation; "we (inmates) go through a pretty dramatic transformation as we step over that threshold to visitation."

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Spending the day up at visitation with mom all day yesterday was nice. We ran the full gamut in conversation but we both unconsciously decided to stay away from the ‘hot button’ topics that we currently have. I think it was for the best, because we were essentially drama free for the entire day.
For me, simply being off of the yard and up at visitation was a nice change. I used to go to visitation every weekend without fail. Slowly though, things have changed and it is not exactly for the worst. On my end, I have really been focusing on getting my shit together and deciding how I am going to live the best possible life I can post-release.

In the past few years, I have been so involved in trying to help mom and Kevin that I have been taking their problems on as my own. It was not healthy. I have learned that I need to disassociate from their issues in a healthy way. Nonetheless, it was simply just nice to be away from the yard and to see my mom.
You may not be able to imagine this, but we (inmates) go through a pretty dramatic transformation as we step over that threshold to visitation.  When people come to visit me, they get to also see another 3-5% of the inmate population who also get visitors. They are also get to see them, on their very best behavior. Everything about them changes; the way they stand, sit, shake hands, and speak. They are almost an entirely different people than the ones I see on the yard.

When it comes time for us to return to the yard, it is as though we immediately adopt an anti social ‘don’t fuck with me’ behavior. All of the hugs, the smiles and family introductions we have all just shared, completely disappear. It really is very disturbing on many levels.
My vacation is officially over as of tomorrow and so, it is back to work I go. I have really enjoyed being able to take things easy, to write to pen pals, to blog and to work out. There is something to be said about the benefits to a vacation, even inside a prison.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Daily Chores; "The day has officially gotten better."

Friday, October 19, 2012

I need to head over to the inmate store and do some shopping. When I think about how much I spend on food, It amazes me how much I can eat sometimes!  On top of that expense, I also pay a lot for postage fees and phone calls. Fortunately, I have a skill when it comes to budgeting money. I am not exactly sure where that skill came from, but I am glad that I have it. Anyway, it’s off to the store I go. I shall return.
An hour later and I have officially refilled my locker with food. I also picked up some coffee and hygiene essentials for John. We look out after one another in that way. Like many prisoners, he is on an extremely tight budget and usually, come the end of the month, I try to help him out with a few things. All in all, we are good. The day has officially gotten better. There is a definite ease of mind that washes over me knowing that I have everything that I need. Again, it’s always the little things.

Prison Contract Problems; "There is always something terrifying here."

Friday, October 19, 2012

Last night, on the local news, there was coverage regarding our prison again. The Dept. of Corrections is under fire for allowing a contract with the Motor Vehicle Division. They literally have inmates answering the phones and helping outside civilians with their needs. Mind you, the person calling in, has no idea that they are speaking with an inmate. Apparently, the public is not thrilled by these findings and candidly, I wouldn’t be either. The whole thing is weird. What really gets me is that I know how many people out there need jobs and here are a couple of hundred positions that could go to people on the outside, who simply need to provide for themselves. Instead, The Motor Vehicle Division wants to save money and set up call centers inside prisons and employ convicts. The whole situation upsets me and yet I have to put that face on and act as if this is a great opportunity etc.. Eventually, something will happen and the Arizona Department of Corrections (ADC)will be under fire again.
In just the last year, the ADC has had lawsuits against them for an array of inmate deaths, severe assaults, and most recently, because an RN used the same needle to inject over 100 inmates with insulin. There is always something terrifying here. Oddly, I have come to expect it but it really is terrible.  Because I am aware of the bigger picture, I have also grown capable of playing Devil’s advocate. Funding is terrible and so the ADC is not able to fully staff the prisons as they should be. They do the best that they can, but it is just not possible to meet the demand with their limited resources. The new privatized medical contract with Wexford was directly responsible for the insulin incident and now ADC is investigating it. Last, but not least, if the inmates want to do something, they will find a way to do it. It remains a continuous battle. It does make one wonder though; why is the Arizona Department of Corrections always in the news?

Personally, the only issues I see go hand in hand with the county attorney’s office and the legislative guidelines. Arizona has some of the highest sentencing guidelines in the country. They also require inmates to serve 85% of their sentence, despite the fact that the correctional facilities are overcrowded, and there is no money to build new prisons. Ironically, they have established multi-million dollar contracts to house Arizona inmates in private prisons instead. None of it makes any sense. It’s taken years for me to fully see how convoluted the DOC is.  It’s taken even longer for me to accept that no one cares to fix it.

Support; "Now, it is my turn."

Friday, October 19, 2012

The past couple of days have been pretty good. All of the dorms are officially back on normal operations now so all are welcome to play. Thus far, everyone is playing nicely. I have worked out 5 times in the past 2 days so my body is spent and sore. I will likely take today off. For whatever reason, this physical drive just came over me and so I went with it. I do feel good though.

Mom will be here tomorrow to visit all day. I have not seen her for 6 weeks and it has been good. I have really needed to get myself together mentally. For a good long while, I have been allowing my own mental state to be controlled by everything she has, or has not been doing. There is a very strange shift that has occurred as I have gotten older though. Somehow, I have almost become parental towards her.
Years ago, when I was living my free life, I am absolutely positive that I was making choices and doing things that she did not agree with. But she still supported me in every way. Now, it is my turn. I believe that there are so many things she could be doing to make her life better that she is not willing to do. It upsets me to no end, but I must let it go, and not take it personally. All that said, I hope that tomorrow goes well and that I will be able to stay in a positive mindset.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Frozen in Time; "as I walked back across the yard, my eyes began to tear up."

Monday, October 15, 2012

Yesterday I was speaking to Joe on the phone and he said something that really hit home. He said that my mom and I are frozen in time, stuck in life. He noted that she still sees me as that 21 year old that I once was, and that I still see her as that really vivacious 51 year old that lived life in the moment. I admit that as I walked back across the yard, my eyes began to tear up. I realized that he was completely right.
I am not 21 years old anymore. In fact, I will never be 20 something again. Those years flew by and I do not even remember turning 30. I just was at some point. And mom is not 51 anymore. This realization terrifies me in ways that cannot even begin to explain. She is now older and subconsciously, I am having problems with that. I expect a lot from her and I don’t know if that has been fair. At the same time, I cannot think about her as an older woman in a sense, because I have issues with mortality, with death.

She and I have missed out on a lot because of what I have done. I will never be able to do anything about that, but I will always be sorry for it though.
Damn that Joe…

Maintaining some kind of Individuality; "I have gone through another transformation."

Monday, October 15, 2012

I am not sure if it is boredom or just me, but I have gone through another transformation. I have shaved my head completely and have trimmed and lined up a beard. Because we are all in this ungodly color orange, many of us do things to preserve some level of individuality. A lot of guys in here take queues from me because I am very used to doing it. From a lifetime of private schools and uniforms, I have always tried to find minor things to do that would set me apart from the rest. At best, it is something to do.
For example, I personally prefer V neck T shirts so I have a guy who sews very well tailor my orange shirts into V necks. I have my T short sleeves cut down so they are more form fitting around my arms. My socks have all been turned into ankle socks. I’ve had draw strings sewn into my shorts and sweats. All of these little things set me apart a bit and for whatever reason, it helps me to feel a little but more like “me”.

There are of course, big things that stand out as well, I have large silver chain necklace with a black cotton fiber cross on it. I also have a silver ring and a big black G Shock watch. My tennis shoes; well, they are the icing on the cake. Yes, these are all just material objects and they essentially mean nothing, but I can’t help but to feel that there is a little bit of the David that used to be – still here.

My Secret Dad; "Nobody here is even aware of his existence."

Monday, October 15, 2012

I received a great deal of late birthday cards from my biological father’s side of the family, along with some money from him. We pretty much only communicate on holidays, and that is more now, than before I came to prison. There is always a part of me that wonders why I get these cards before prison. I may ask him one day, but for now, it is what it is.
He has stated that he wants to come out and visit me. I am thinking about it. My biggest concern though is how am I going to explain him to everyone here who believes that Kevin is my father?  That – could be very challenging. Come to think of it, nobody here is even aware of his existence. But I would very much like to sit down with him though so I will give this some more thought. His presence here will be okay, but I will never be able to deny that I am his son (not that I ever have…).

It’s just a very big step.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Men; "the odds of someone looking to become seriously involved with me in this position are very slim"

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Last night, I was finally able to call my friend Cliff in DC. We have been writing (pen palling) since 2009. This is the first time we have spoken on the phone and it was amazing! He is a great guy; funny, charismatic, accomplished and very handsome. We are friends and talking to him was really great. There is no doubt that I would pursue him in a more serious and romantic manner if possible, but he is involved, and I most definitely respect that. On top of that, the odds of someone looking to become seriously involved with me in this position are very slim. In any case, I hope to have more conversations with him and who knows, perhaps one day he will come out to visit.
Coming back inside, I gave the rundown of my phone call with Cliff to John. John has attempted to play matchmaker with me with a couple of his gay friends in Miami. Really, it is quite endearing. Last night though, he asked me who my top five fantasy men would be, and my answers surprised him. My top 5 are: 1. William Levy, 2. Collin Farrell, 3. Jason Statham, 4. Morris Chestnut,  & 5. Gabriel Macht. I asked John who he thought my top five would be. He replied: 1. Joe Manganiello, 2. Ricky Martin, 3. Lenny Kravitz, 4. David Beckham and 5. Vin Diesal. In truth, I would not kick any of those men out of bed, but I did get a good sense of how well he knows me. But I think his ideas were definitely close enough, to trust his recommendation. Weird, eh?


In the past year of so, John has had a crash course in all things gay, which is very comical. He is already what you would consider “Metrosexual” though. Thank goodness he is open minded and non judgmental. As far as John is concerned he does not have a top 5 females. He only has Gisele Bundchen.
Anyway, I have absolutely no agenda today besides going out, calling Joe and then checking in with mom and Kevin. At the moment, they are still feeding breakfast here so I have no idea when the yard will open up. Everything here, takes twice as long on the weekends.

Discipline; "Within the course of 3 hours, we had 3 ambulances here."

Friday, October 12, 2012

I pretty much called it yesterday when I mentioned that every time I make plans to have a productive day, something happens.
Apparently there is a relatively new white guy over in dorm 5 who had something unacceptable in his prison history and the whites decided to assault him because of it. From what we could see, it was pretty bad. He was taken out by ambulance. Shortly thereafter, the whites realized that another white guy was also aware of the assaulted guy’s past and because he did not say anything about it, he was then assaulted as well.

Now, as that was taking place, the whites realized that one of the new guys in dorm 1, went and stored a lot of tobacco and food from other races, promising to pay it back in a week. Conveniently though, the guy goes home on Monday and he knew ahead of time that he would not be paying anyone back. Because of his deceit, he was also assaulted. Within the course of 3 hours, we had 3 ambulances here. It made for an action packed afternoon yesterday. The fallout of course, will be that all the white guys will be under a microscope for awhile and the “head” – or speaker of the race may be interviewed by administration. He may possibly be moved because of the influx of violence within that race. We will see what happens by the end of the day.
Discipline typically happens toward the end of every week. The reason for that is because the yard has completed all store shopping and bills (debts) need to be paid. When bills are not addressed, then discipline begins. Sometimes, if the person owed is kind, they will forgo the discipline and instead ‘tax’ the debt. It is all up to him. Usually, it is a continuous cycle of issues every week. It really can become a headache.

I ran a personal store for years and though it kept me afloat, it really was not worth the headaches at all. I ran my store as a (2-4-1) In example; I loan you two sausages and the following week, you give me 3 back, and so on.
At this point, I just find it fascinating to sit back and watch the guys who run store sweat because people give them the run around. One thing is for certain, if you ‘run store’, people need to either respect you or fear you in order for them to pay you back. If they do not, they will take advantage of you.

Change; "I used to fear change. Now, I crave it."

Saturday, October 13, 2012

It’s another day in the sandpit. So far, I have spent a quiet morning writing letters and listening to music. My mental health is good and I am not getting a visit this weekend, so I can relax. I hate to say it, but the weekends where I do not get a visit are actually pretty good. Things on the home-front have not been particularly good lately and I because of all the problems, I am remaining disconnected. I want to help but, when I give advice, I tend to take it personally when it is not at least considered. I can also get quickly irritated when I hear complaints about things in which they have to power to fix, or change.  With that in mind, I’d really prefer not listening to it all. Unfortunately, that is unfair of me.
I complain and vent to Joe and Mom all the time. They have no power to fix things for me. They realize that I also have little power to change things. With regard to them and their problems though, it’s different. They do have the power to fix things for themselves. I feel that sometimes they do not take advantage of their ability to make change in their lives. It’s funny, I remember a time when I used to fear change. Now, I crave it. My fear now, is of not having the ability to change, of being stuck in one place and of missing out on opportunity.

I sincerely believe that if the people I love most spent just one day in this place, they would absolutely look at life in a completely different way. All it would take, is one day. That will not happen however and I, have exhausted all of my motivational skills. I am now at the point where I have learned to let them do what they are going to do, because that, is what I have to do for myself as well.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Jan is coming to town!; "I can't wait!"

Friday, October 12, 2012

So my pseudo-aunt Jan is confirmed to come out the first weekend in November for our special food visit. I am very happy about that because I just need to put my arms around her. Throughout my life, she has played mom, friend, therapist and confidant. We have no secrets and she loves me for me, as I do her. I respect and love her more than I can explain and she always has the ability to somehow make things better. That said, I will be so glad to see her!
Joe will also be flying in for the food visit and this will be the first time that they will actually meet. I am curious to see how they get on with each other. They are such similar characters and that – can typically go either way. Their common link is of course, my mom and I, so the meet/greet will be very interesting. Regardless, for me, it will be wonderful to see all my favorite people sitting together at the table with me.

I can’t wait!

Amends; "I want to help people and be a good person."

Friday, October 12, 2012

I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. For whatever reason, a lot of guys yesterday continued to ask me for things. They needed to borrow food, needed help with legal work or a mixture of other things. I became overwhelmed and my friend, John, could see it. Out of nowhere, he told me to stop and sat me down. He said that I was always doing things for people and that I needed to take a break. He suggested that I was somehow trying to make amends for what I had done and that I had to find a balance. I had no comment because in a way, he is 100% right.
There is no denying the fact that every single day, I remember how my actions took the lives of other people too early. Today, I try to be the best version of David that I can be. I try to help everyone I can, to listen and to offer sound advice. I am in a sense, living amends. I forget about myself though and when I focus on me, well, I feel guilty. So how do I find a healthy balance between the two while I am here in prison?

Obviously I want to be happy and healthy. Do I deserve that? Sometimes I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t know if I deserve my family, friends and their love and support. It is a very difficult topic but one that I certainly wrestle with regularly. The fact that a friend in here, could see what I was doing, was eye opening though. Perhaps he does the same thing as well and I have simply not picked up on it.
The life that I do have left, I absolutely want to make the best of it. I want to help people and be a good person, friend and maybe one day, a good partner to someone. I have to live amends because it allows me to believe that I am making up for my actions in the past. I don’t know if that is right, but it is what I feel.

Vacation Begins "I have convinced myself that I can have a productive day."

Thursday, October 11, 2012

It is only 8:00 AM and I have convinced myself that I can have a productive day. I am lying to myself of course because I know there will be some type of drama or event to prevent that from happening. Still, I will go out and try to get some things done. Mainly, I need to call the house and touch bases with mom. I will work out and then run this afternoon. At the moment, it is raining and overcast and it reminds me of San Francisco. I love this weather so much.
The good news is that I will have plenty of time to keep in touch with you and make regular blog postings. J

Good Days; "My birthday was just as I wanted it; “Quiet”.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

My birthday was just as I wanted it; “Quiet”. Only a few people here were aware of it and so, I received a few cards from fellow inmates and that was great. Besides that, I went along with business as usual. I went to work, and then to property to pick up some CDs that my mom had sent me. I called back east and talked with mom and Joe. They were going out with a mutual friend Aiden, who coincidentally also shares my same birthday. I did not receive a single piece of mail on the 9th, which was odd, but fine, so I watched the New Normal, Private Practice and then went to bed.
Come Wednesday morning, I was happy simply because it would be my last day of work until October 22nd, the end of my boss’s vacation time. In any case, I went into the office for four hours and got all the loose ends taken care of. I came back to the dorm, worked out, and wrote a couple of letters. As the day wound down, I laid on my bed, TV remote in hand and remained that way for the rest of the evening.

Liability; "I was not welcome and if I didn’t leave, I would be killed."

Thursday, October 4, 2012

In the previous entry, I revealed that there was a time when I was one of ‘those people’ being told to leave a yard, that I was not welcome and if I didn’t leave, I would be killed. There is a reason for this. It all began in county jail. When I initially entered county jail, I was considered a high profile case. My photos were on every news channel and the facts of my case, were a bit outrageous. So I was put into protective custody, A year or so later, I wanted to go into general population. I made the request, signed some forms and moved.
The transition was daunting, but I did it. Slowly though, I realized that I had become a target for extortion and I was not having it. I was told by two other black inmates that I would put $500.00 on their books each month until I went to prison, or I would be killed. I said no and made arrangements to move into a different pod. As I went into my cell to pack my stuff, the two men came in and tried to rape me. I put up a good fight, but I still lost. Thankfully, an officer intervened before it actually happened. I was immediately put back into protective custody. Word spread quickly about what happened. Inmates remember a lot of things. This world is not that big.
After that initial year in super max, I was moved to a high security level yard. Some men recognized me and said that I had to move. They told me that because I was gay, that I was weak and would be a ‘liability’. So I was forced to leave, and was put into the “hole” until they could find another yard for me to live on. The exact same situation happened at the next yard that I was taken to, and so again, I was put back into the “hole”.  In all, this happened to me a total of three times before I hit a yard and ran into a good friend of mine from county who vouched for me.
As I settled in, the one thing I knew was that I could never be viewed as “weak” again. I would have to fight, and fight hard. It’s what I had to do. It was by doing just that, that I have made a reputation and gained respect. I fight well with my body and even better with my mind. It is amazing to me to think that I have gone from being perceived as a weak liability to an asset who is strong, and needed.
Still though, a wrong move, a wrong decision – can change all of that.  Because of that, I must always be on top of things. Thee van be no mistakes. It is unacceptable and I know that.

Traitor; "homosexuals in prison, for whatever reason, take on a female persona.."

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I have continued to think about things that I have said with regard to other homosexuals in prison. Emotionally, I feel as if I have become a traitor to my own people and so, I feel as if it warrants some further explanation. First though, I need to paint a portrait of the homosexuals we are talking about.
The greater majority of male homosexuals in prison, for whatever reason, take on a female persona. They do not live as females on the street, and yet they do in prison. I have yet to figure out exactly why that is. I simply accept it. Over the years, I have known many in the prison system and they are all unique in their own way. The problem is that they totally become transfixed by penises.  I can’t honestly say I blame them. There are penises everywhere. We are naked so much that it is a very normal sight.

So the homosexuals who come to prison, and take on a female identity, usually choose to be called by a feminine ‘handle’ or name. I will give a brief rundown of the ones that matter. Mind you, some have become quite infamous along the way.
Dee
Dee is an overweight Native American whom I befriended in county Jail. We began our time together in maximum security and ironically, were transferred to a medium custody yard together. On the bus ride, we were shackled together. Dee explained to me that she was going to affiliate with the Mexican Americans, instead of the Native Americans because she liked Mexican men. I warned her that it would be risky, but she did it anyway.  We were only on the yard for four hours before she was assaulted by the Native Americans. I watched in horror, but was thankful that it wasn’t me. I know how badly that sounds, but again, one must survive.
Coco

Coco is a bi-racial man who had long hair, a gold tooth and wore clothing so tight, you would have an easier time putting toothpaste back into the tube. Coco was all about business, He had an actual menu for sexual favors:
Blow Job             4 honey buns
Hand Job            2 honey buns
Kissing                 Cup of coffee
Sex                       $10.00 of store credit

The most amazing part, was that Coco’s locker was always overflowing with food and he was always working.
Gigi

Gigi was a frail, dark chocolate man with a lazy eye. Word on the yard was that Gigi gave the best blowjob in the state. The problem was, Gigi was a heroin addict and guys would have to pay him with drugs for his service, If Gigi was high before the oral sex began, you were taking a chance that he would nod off, or pass out during the process. It actually made many guys angry and they wanted their money back.
Vicki
Vicki was a tall white man that had a penchant for black guys. In prison, having sex with a person of another race is strictly taboo. Vicki however, took every opportunity available. He would go into someone’s cell to “play a game of chess”. Funny thing was, the game was usually over in about 4 minutes. When Vicki would exit the cell, there would always be a huge, cheesy grin on his face. Vicki and I did not get along because he wanted to be called Jason, but the name Vicki had already stuck and I always called him that.
Kay
“Ms. Kay”, as I call her, is probably one of the most sought after homosexuals in the system. He is a beautiful man and an even more beautiful woman. He wore fitted clothes, make up and permed long hair. He also had an ass that spoke to the men. We are actually friends because Kay happens to know how to do time. He doesn’t sleep around, but rather, prefers to be in relationships. He can fight amazingly well and doesn’t play games.
Chris
Chris is a 52 year old ex drag queen from San Francisco. He and I became instant friends and have remained that way. He has been in prison for 23 years and knows everything there is to know about doing time. I have a tremendous amount of love for him and hope to see him again soon.


Certain homosexuals like Vicki, Coco and Gigi, cause huge amounts of drama on the yard and between the races. It is because of that, that inmates at the more aggressive yards in the state will not allow them to be housed there.  The yard that I am currently on, is one of those yards. The administration though, will try to house anyone here. (why wouldn’t they?) It is not their fault because everyone should be allowed to live here. It is our fault, the inmates. We are the ones telling them to leave and they cannot stay. It breaks my heart when I see this, because there was a time when I was being told to ‘leave’. (I will explain later, but it is true.)
There are exceptions. Certain homosexuals are allowed to stay if an inmate who has served over 10 consecutive years, or is an OG (old gangster) vouches for and takes responsibility for them. I have been on this yard for almost a year now and have yet to see someone stand up and vouch for a homosexual who was brought here.

Because of who I am, and the respect that I have earned, I can voucher, but I do not . And that makes me a ‘traitor’ in a way. (I could only imagine myself vouching for Chris or Kay should they show up. ) But again, I must survive here. If I vouch for one, and they cause a problem, then I am the one responsible. The end result, would not be good for me. Not good at all.

Decisions; "I long for the day when I can make actual decisions again."

Thursday, October 4, 2012

My heart is at rest knowing, as I write this, that my mom is asleep at Joe’s house in Boston. She arrived there last night and though I have not called yet to check in, I will this morning. I am happy that she is away from Arizona. In truth, she is a city girl who loves culture, commotion and a fast paced lifestyle. Arizona, as it turns out, was also not for her and there is a heaviness in my heart knowing that she remains there solely because I am incarcerated in this state.
It has taken well over a year now to convince her to move to New England ahead of me, but finally I thinks she has come to terms with it. The reasoning behind this is simple. I know that she will want to be near me wherever I choose to make a life for myself as she wants to of course, help in any way that she can. It would be worse for the both of us to relocate and essentially start over together upon my release. That in mind, I feel the intelligent choice is for her to move and set up a life there ahead of me. She will already be established there and with that, it would help me to reintegrate more easily.

Knowing that Joe is there, well that, is icing on the cake.
Throughout my journey, I have realized that there is one big problem that I have when it comes to family and friends outside these walls. I am in prison. I can make very few choices and have limited control over most aspects of my life. I accept that, because I have to. There are things here that I cannot escape, that I have to deal with. Over the years, I have realized that I become increasingly agitated when my family and friends do not take advantage of their freedom.

They have the ability to make change in their own lives. Should they choose, they can decide who to associate with, where they want to go, how to live, and most importantly, make changes toward their own personal happiness. People in prison, myself included, cannot do those things. I would say that I have learned how to be “okay” even content at times, but never happy. I long for the day when I can make actual decisions again. I will definitely not take that ability, for granted.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The color orange

Saturday, October 6, 2012

I received a letter from Joe in which he sent photos of me Photoshopped into different colored clothing. Sadly, I have a difficult time sometimes remembering what I actually look like in other colors. When I saw the image, my first thought was; “Who is that?”
How disturbing is that?
I mean, I can sit and remember my clothes, how my closet looked, my shoes and my style, but I can’t remember how I looked! When I go through photographs of myself before I came to prison, I look foreign almost.  It upsets me. But there is nothing I can do about it though… That orange will never be a color choice for me after my release back into the real world.
Okay, so it’s on with my letter writing. I’d rather be curled up next to someone watching a movie though. One can dream, right?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Relationships; "Bromances occur when 2 inmates really get along."

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Prison relationships are incredibly interesting and I have studied them a great deal. There are two different types of relationships. The 1st is the “outer” prison relationship. An outer relationship means that we are connected with a person on the outside, in society. In those bonds, we correspond with them through letters, call them regularly by phone, visit with them and have every intention of sharing a life with them upon our release.
These relationships can be good, or bad, but regardless, they take a lot of work. The inmates have very little control within the relationship, so it is up to us to step it up and be there emotionally and mentally. If the outer person completely accepts and understands that there will not be a physical relationship, and can cope with that, things should be okay.

At visit, we can kiss, touch and grab a quick feel, but again, for most people, that can’t make up for the loss of real physical intimacy. For us, well, we have no choice in the matter and so, we have to deal with it. Those on the outside, can move on if they choose to. 70 % of the outer relationships that I have seen in prison, have ended with the person on the outside throwing in the towel. So the odds of everything working out – are not great. Still, I have seen it work.
I have friends here who have girlfriends, boyfriends and wives. There are commonalities within their partners and they are very obvious. Most, if not all of the outer people are naturally dominant within life. They like control and have no issues with making decisions. They do not care about how they are perceived. As you could imagine, they get a certain degree of negative commentary and judgment. They are usually positive people who have hope and a genuine love for the inmate they are involved with.

Now, there is a small percentage of outer people that are just the opposite. They are completely insecure, damaged even and for whatever reason, believe that being involved with an inmate, is the best they can do. It is sad to see this type of outer person actually. In the end, I suppose, people are people though and everyone wants love in their life in some way.

Personally though, I would say that 3% of the inmate population could essentially be in a healthy relationship, get released and live happy, productive lives.
The 2nd type of relationship is the “inner” prison relationship. This type of bond is very common and on the outside I believe the term would be ‘Bromance’.  Bromances occur when 2 inmates really get along and end up confiding in each other about any and everything.  They spend all of their time together and never tire of one another. These relationships are rewarding because they are rare.  When found, they typically last forever and continue on outside of these walls. They can be dangerous though because one of the two could always be moved to a different yard at anytime. The separation can definitely take its toll, just like in any other relationship.

John and I are a ‘Bromance’ and we are even more rare because we are effectively aligned with different races. It works though and he is my “Bromer” as I call him.

Boring Morning... "Take advantage of your freedom. Go do something!"

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Yeah! The weekend is here I am so glad that the week is over. Nothing particularly bad happened but I feel as if I have not stopped to breath. Come last night, I barely made it though Dateline, and that is on at 9:00 PM.
This morning I spent my time writing letters to friends. I also had to take care of John, who has an ingrown toenail. Despite the fact that I have some medical experience, he does not listen. In any case, I have him soaking his foot in salt water to loosen the skin and tissue. There is an average wait of 12- 20 days after putting in a request to be seen by medical.  It’s really astounding. By that time that guys who have MRSA or staph infections need IV antibiotics and are reeling with pain. Yes – staph is a very big problem in this prison as are insect bites that go untreated.

I have been lucky since I have been in prison and have not had an issue with infection. I did have my share of issues while being in country jail however. One night, I was bitten on my lip by a brown recluse spider. I killed the spider and kept it to show medical. Problem was I was not seen by medical for 4 days and by then, my upper lip had swollen to literally the size of a golf ball. Surgery was required to cut out the dead tissue. Thankfully, I have full lips and there is only a scar on the inside of my mouth. I can still feel that scar tissue though. As that entire process was underway, I distinctly remember my mom losing it behind the visitation glass. She was completely powerless to help and it killed her to look at me. I will always remember that visit.
Since coming to prison, I have become completely anal (no pun intended) about sanitizing things and my own personal hygiene. I wash my hands before and after I pee. I do not touch the walls in the shower. I sanitize the toilet seat and put down paper to sit on. My personal living area is cleaned every day…. well I actually have a housekeeper who constantly keeps it clean for me.

Before I go any further, I realize that the “housekeeper” concept may stump or shock you. Let me explain. A lot of guys here cannot have jobs and they have no family to help them financially.  Some of the trustworthy ones can do odd jobs for the inmates that have the means to pay them. For me, it works because my schedule is so incredibly busy. There is an older guy across the hall, Greg, who has nothing and he loves to smoke his cigarettes and drink his coffee. In return for cleaning my living space top-to-bottom 5 days a week, I buy him a bag of coffee and a pack of ciggies every week. There are also people who will do your laundry, but I prefer to wash my own clothes.
This afternoon, I will go outside to work out and call mom and Joe, They are set to have lunch with a friend of ours, Marco so they should be good. Beyond that, I have no real plans for the rest of the day. Most likely I will end up laying on my bed and listening to Sade’ and staring at the ceiling. Oh well.

Take advantage of your freedom. Go do something! J

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Arizona Good? Hmmm.....

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

5:00 AM and having a cup of coffee. The Channel 12 news is on and again, I ask myself why I even bother watching it. Do you ever stop to consider that 90% of the time, the same issues are reported; crimes, politics, food, etc. The stories are always the same, but with a slightly different cast. Anyway, I am certain that some of you must live in places that have things that are a lot more newsworthy than Arizona!
Throughout the course of my blogging, there may be times that I sound as though I detest Arizona with a fire that burns deep down in my belly. If I come across that way, then I am doing very well in expressing my true feelings. Many people would assume that my negative feelings for the state of Arizona stem from the fact that I am imprisoned here. That is not the case, at all.

I was not born or raised in Arizona. When I was a pre-teen, My mom and I decided to relocate from San Francisco because we needed a change. The man who I had come to associate with as my father, Joe, had passed away from a cardio aneurism, and our desire to move, was most definitely a new-start situation. We had considered Charlotte, Miami, Austin, Dallas and then Scottsdale. (Personally, I loved Austin, but Scottsdale worked too.)
It was not long after building a home and enrolling in school that I began to notice things. I discovered that I could not find many ethnic people. I was always looking for Asians, Middle Easterners, Polish, Blacks etc. I was hard pressed. When I did stumble upon a person of different ethnicity,  I would reach out to them only to learn that they did not live there. For the most part, I was surrounded by Caucasians and Mexican Americans. I am not racist in any way, but I admit that I do crave cultural diversity. It was what I was raised with in San Francisco.

To add to that, I was coming to terms with my sexuality and well, you can imagine that coming out as a gay man would be much more acceptable in San Francisco than in Scottsdale. In my mind, the chips were stacked against me but I tried to make it work though.
Scottsdale is one of the most beautiful cities in America. It’s incredibly clean, has lots of grass, cobblestone streets and lots of manicured “McMansions” are to be found everywhere you turn. I usually refer to it as the desert’s Beverly Hills. There were positives. We no longer had horrendous traffic every day and a monster monthly mortgage payment. It was quiet, clean and sunny. I was also able to attend a private school that allowed me to have a horse there. I road Hunters, Jumpers and some Dressage.
 In time though, all of these positives began to fade away as I began to get pulled over by the police all the time. I was never doing anything wrong – so they would say. It was simply to find out where I was headed, what my business was in Scottsdale, and if the vehicle I was driving – was mine. Most people of color that live in Scottsdale are professional NBA or MLB players, or rappers. Sometimes I would wonder if they experienced the same treatment that I did. In any case, because my mom worked at the local emergency room, I began getting her on the phone so she could speak to the officer pulling me over. The likelihood of them knowing one another was high and so, it worked at getting them off my back. Still today though, those experiences leave a very, very bad taste in my mouth.

The gay scene in Arizona is also very interesting, and very different from what I had experienced in San Francisco.

I love my gay people 100%.  It has been my experience though, that there are really two distinct factions in the gay male community. The 1st is completely secure, confident and knows exactly who he is. They are like the average guy, who just happens to be gay. The 2nd type is a bit more exaggerated and wants to be the best gay man that they can be. Their lives revolve around their sexuality. And there is nothing wrong with that. While these two types share many commonalities, they are also very distinctly different. Personally, I love both types for who, and what they are.
Now keeping all of that in mind, consider San Francisco. For those who have not been there, many people believe that the Bay area is full of the 2nd type of gay men.  They are there, but the majority of gay men in San Francisco are in the 1st. So I grew up around mostly gay men who were very secure in themselves. It was commonplace to see two men pushing a stroller down the street, hand in hand  - and that was before the same sex adoption controversy. There was no judgment or issues in the Bay.

In Scottsdale, a lot of the gay men are also in the 1st category – during the day. But at night, when they go out, they begin to fall into the 2nd category. The entire sociology of it is really very intriguing. Anyway, the experience of being gay in Arizona, left me feeling as though I never truly “fit” there. As I look back, I wish I could have accepted the dynamic for what it was, instead of thinking that something was wrong with me.
The degree of comfort and sense of freedom that gay men experience changes dramatically as you travel the world though. In some areas, it is unacceptable to express one’s sexuality in any overt way. In other, more evolved places, it is celebrated and completely embraced. Most gay men simply adapt to their environments and adhere to the level of societal acceptance of them. They willingly adopt the ‘rules’ and do not question the impact upon their civil liberties. My experience as a gay man in prison has completely altered my way of thinking on this topic. I am in an environment where I have zero freedom to express myself openly. On many levels, prison serves up a metaphor to the larger problem of societal acceptance of gays in the world.  For those of you who are struggling for liberties and freedoms, I can only urge you to exercise what rights you do have. Whether you live in San Francisco or Scottsdale or anywhere else in America, you owe it to yourselves to stand up, to stand proud.

Well, it is working its way toward 6:30 AM and I think I am going to go outside and work out this morning. I do not have to be at work until noon. That means that I can work out, call my mom, stop by mail and property, do some laundry and shower – all before going in.

Mom leaves for Boston in the morning and I am so glad. I love to live vicariously through her and she gets to be with Joe, at his home, in our new city!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Birthdays, are just "another day"

Sunday, September 30, 2012
 
My 32nd birthday is coming up on October 9th, Already, the birthday cards have begun to filter in and I am always appreciative when I receive mail at mail call. It really does make my day that much more tolerable.Before coming to prison, I used to have elaborate, outrageous birthdays. We would all go out. The best, most memorable birthday was my 6th. My mom was very good friends with a couple of players on the San Francisco NFL 49ers football team and she invited about half of the team to join us at Chucky Cheese to celebrate my birthday. That day will forever be engraved in my memory.  Throughout the years though, my birthday would always be marked by some crazy party or snowboarding trip.

When I arrived in prison, I pretty much stopped counting birthdays. This year however, I will try to be at peace. I will not have a visit because I would actually prefer the people I love, to be together for me and not spend it at a state prison in Arizona. Everyone who knows me intimately, knows of my love of music. That is my usual request and so now people have taken to just sending CDs at random through Amazon.com. Thankfully, they know my taste! J

This past Tuesday, I received Flo Rida Flo Rida and Britney Spears Britney Spears along with some great blogging books from Joe. Mom sent me Tamia, Elle Varner http://www.ellevarner.com/and apparently I have some more coming, but they will be a surprise. So come this Tuesday, October 9th, I will be listening to music and most likely, blogging to you.
I do suspect that my friend John is planning something as well. I do have to do some more investigating. Cooking is not one of John’s strong suits, so I hope it is not a meal.  He knows that I will eat it if he makes it though.

Work "The goal is to keep guys here active."

Sunday, September 30, 2012

As I explained previously, I work as a clerk for the inmate counselor here. My boss has been reassigned to completely run and administer all programs, recreational events, restorative justice fundraisers and elective courses. This is both good and bad. The Good is that we can presumably implement some great programs and fundraisers. We get a much larger office and a more flexible schedule. The Bad is that my boss has never really operated these type of things. He is very capable, but I suspect that the responsibility will equate to more work than just simply handling a case load. Time will tell…
Thus far, we have put together a Restorative Justice Fundraiser that is going well. The premise is that inmates can purchase their personal blankets, sheets, towels etc. from Walmart. We mark everything up 100% and pay Walmart their bill. The remaining profit is then donated to various charities around the state. I believe we will be donating a check for around $1,500.oo, which is awesome.
Currently for recreation, we have basketball and volleyball tournaments beginning tomorrow night. The indoor tournaments will be Scrabble and Spades. It’s something for the older and disabled guys to participate in. As of tomorrow, I begin teaching a new Astanga yoga class which will be held on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. We also have a runners club.
On the educational front, we offer classes in Creative Writing, Fine Art, Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, Cultural Diversity, Anger Management, and Cognitive Restructuring. We also provide a Re-Entry program which teaches guys such basics as opening a checking account or drafting up a resume’.  

The goal is to keep guys here active and somewhat busy. I hope that everything works out well though and will keep you posted, for sure. If any of you have ideas as far as various classes or programs that we could teach or provide, I absolutely welcome your input!
As things stand now, next month should be a piece of cake. My Boss is on vacation from October 11th through October 22nd and we are off on Columbus Day. That said, I will have ample time to write and communicate here. It will also give me time to catch up on my reading.

 

Phone Calls to Joe

Sunday, September 30, 2012

For the past 5 years of my life, the only moments of genuine happiness I get are when I am on the phone with Joe. I can be ‘me’. I can vent all my frustrations, laugh or simply listen to him tell me about his day. He can bring me down from a (10) on the “Freaking Out” scale to a (2) in 15 minutes. That fact alone is amazing.

Over time though, I have found that these phone calls have come to mean more and more to me. There are times when I become very concerned when I cannot get a hold of him for days and I wonder, what that means. To give you a comparison, if I cannot get a hold of my mother for a couple of days, it’s okay. The same goes for other family and friends. That does not ring true for Joe though. If nothing else, this should illustrate how interesting the dynamic of our friendship is.  What we share is more than friendship. What we have, well, there is no real title for.
Anyway, I spoke to him on Friday afternoon and received a recap of the week from him. Thankfully, everything is okay. The only chore he has this weekend is prepping his house for my mom’s arrival next week.

What a week they will have!

Truth Creates Controversy "I speak the truth, from my point of view."

Sunday, September 30, 2012
 
WWII ensued this past Thursday evening. We had been on lockdown status for days and were finally placed back on ‘normal’ operations; which means that the yard would finally open back up. Since I had not been able to call home in several days, I phoned. Kevin answered and immediately informed me that my mom was having a meltdown because the blog, my blog; went live. Previously, we all had an open conversation about the blog. Everyone approved and lent their support. Once it went live though, my mother became worried and expressed her concern about the consequences. Rightfully so, she fears some form of retaliation from prison administrators. I’ll give her that.
I made an executive decision to hang up with Kevin and call my mom’s cell phone. In time, I was able to reason with her. What I learned through that conversation however, was uncanny.  I had not really given thought to the fact that she would have to process my thoughts about her by reading this blog.  She would know firsthand how I see her, and how I feel. She would also understand the things we go through here…. all of it. In that respect, I now see now how powerful words can be and I have developed an even stronger sense of responsibility here.

Thus far, I have no regrets. I speak the truth, from my point of view. I love my mom on a level that is unexplainable though so I must take care when dealing with particular aspects of our outside life.
The war continued on though. Kevin visited me yesterday and it was a challenging visit. I admit that at some points during the visit, I actually wanted to get up and walk out. Again, it was all in reference to this blog. Kevin expressed concern over retaliation to both my friends and I. (He is always working theories and making things much more complicated than they really are. It is who he is…) I explained that I have the permission of my friends here who I do mention, and all are aware of what is going on. Nonetheless, voices were raised and swears exchanged. It was not pretty.

By the end of the day, I realized that all of this, was my doing. I am a soon to be 32 year old “grown ass man” and there are people in my life that I have allowed to have too much involvement. It’s time, as they say, to pull in the reigns. As I awoke this morning, I was in a much clearer, better headspace.
The war is over. It is for me at least.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Lockdown "A proper strip search begins with you taking off all of your clothes and standing naked in front of officers."

Thursday, September 27, 2012

We have been on “ICS” since Tuesday. ICS stands for Incident Command System. Whenever we are put on ICS, it means that the entire yard is on lockdown due to an incident. In this case, it is because some fence ties are missing and they want to attempt to find them. In order to do this, all living areas will need to be searched thoroughly again. Such is life. Imagine police force showing up at your home randomly with a search warrant and completely going through all of your belongings. That is the only comparison that I can give to you. It is violating, but it is a necessity. All I can say that do not come to prison because all of your privacy goes out the window. Strip searches alone will teach you that. Somehow, I have become so accustomed to strip searches that the whole process doesn’t faze me anymore.


A proper strip search begins with you taking off all of your clothes and standing naked in front of officers. You pull your ears back, open your mouth, lift your tongue, show your hands, lift your arms over your head. Then you reach down, lift your penis shaft and then your scrotum. To complete the search, you turn around, pull your butt cheeks apart, squat and cough. Once completed, you can get dressed again. We call it the “Happy Dance”.

Rumor is that staff searched dorms 4,5 & 6 yesterday so we should be today. All that remains are dorms 1, 2 & 3. I live in dorm 2. They will spend the most time here as dorm 2 has the worst reputation.  Dorm titles and come over time. Sometimes they re not a big deal, but on this yard, they are. Even I have never been on a yard where the dorms remained so true to their reputations.


The breakdown is as follows:
Dorm 1 – A large majority of young inmates. The day room is always full of card players and dice throwers. They have issues remaining in compliance but try. Very few of them work and they sleep in a lot

Dorm 2 -  We are dubbed “the Zone” and are the most violent, active dorm on the yard. Dorm 2 is unfortunately where the murderers and severe physical assaults happen. The majority of the guys who live here have done a lot of prison time and do not tolerate much. In order to live in Dorm 2, you have to know how to do prison time.
Dorm 3 – Known as the crack house. Everyone just about smokes spice and gets high on everything you can think of. The majority of drug dealers live in that dorm as well.

Dorm 4 – Rejects. When and if someone gets into a fight, they are moved to Dorm 4. A lot of alienated guys who are loners live there as well. The overall energy there is odd and hard to describe.
Dorm 5 – MVD Inmates. The Department of Corrections has a contract with the Motor Vehicles Department stating that they will have a round-the-clock call center manned by inmates. All the inmates who work for MVD live in Dorm 5. They make $.90 cents an hour.

Dorm 6 – Swift Trucking, The Department of Corrections has a contract with Swift Trucking Company that has inmates working on and rebuilding their trucks. They make around $4.00 an hour. The guys who live in Dorm 6 are all deserving and think that their shit doesn’t stink. They like special privileges and they typically get them too.
If you are curious as to why I live in Dorm 2, it is certainly not because I am violent. I live her because the few friends that I do have, live here as well. I have also been in prison so many years now that I have learned you are better off around guys who have done this for a very long time rather than around new inmates. Again, I know how to survive here.
So at this point, I hope that they get the searches over with so that we can go back to normal operations. I have not spoke to mom or Joe since Monday but they are both aware that when I do not call for 48 hours, that we are on lock down. If I do not call after 72 hours, then they will typically get on the phone and find out if I am okay and see what is going on.
“Friendly Perceptions”
I spent the better part of yesterday writing letters to men I do not know. I received 4 letters from people who have read my profile on writeaprisoner.com and I decided to write them back. There were two other letters from guys who wanted to know how big my penis was – in the first letter? That tells me so much! There is really no big update on any one pen pal right now. Nothing consistent – and that’s okay. If ‘that guy’ comes along, then I will welcome it and if not, then I am getting to a place where I am truly okay with it.
The writing does serve up as an excellent distraction though. A part of me will always insist on quality over quantity. Joe is always saying that I need to make other friends, expand my circle. But I am not exactly sure how to do that from in here. Let’s be REAL. I seriously fucked up and made a terrible decision. Because of my actions, I wound up in prison for a total of 16 years. That is my reality. I am not without blame here and the stigma that goes with me because of it, will never go away. That said, the people who will be comfortable associating themselves with me will be few and far in between.
I know that if I was outside these walls, people would never assume that I have been in prison for this long – or at all. I do not have that ‘convict’ look, I can socialize well, I’m articulate, worldly etc. Still, as soon as I acknowledge that the fact that I spent 16 years of my life in prison, the entire perception of me - will change. This, I know.
So; would I like to meet new friends or have someone special in my life? You bet. Will it happen anytime soon? Probably not. Will it happen at all? Maybe.
For now, I am blessed to have the people that I do have in my life. I love them all tremendously.

"Masks"

Monday, September 24, 2012

The weekend festivities went as planned I suppose, I did not get any relaxation time because I was cooking. It became apparent to me that when I was not doing something and would sit down, my thoughts were depressing, sad even. How many people do you think wear ‘masks’ throughout their basic everyday life? I am not suggesting this during specific times such as a funeral when we are supposed to be strong and stoic; I mean every day.  I am someone that does that. I realized that I am always the positive one. I always have a smile on my face and go about my days with an attitude that this is all ‘ok’ and I am living a normal life.

The truth is that nothing is ‘ok’, and none of this is “normal”. In my mind, I am thinking that the people around me are disgusting and vile. I do not want them even sharing my air. Imagine having these thoughs in your mind about someone, but smiling in their face, giving them a hug or handshake. Imagine having to sound as genuine as you can while you ask them how they are doing. I have to do this every day. That ‘mask’ gets very tight sometimes and I need to take it off. Sometimes though it comes off on its own and it is times like that, that I “lose it”.
Wearing a mask, or putting on a front, does not make me a bad person. It makes me a survivor. If the population around me truly knew how I felt and what I thought, I would become alienated – thereby becoming a liability. Liabilities are not around for very long. In the outside world, some people have to get up every day and go to work a horrible job that they hate, just to make an income. I get up and put on a mask, because I have to survive.

This weekend, the mask came off and instead of being angry at everyone, I was simply down in spirits.  Nothing much helped. I worked out on both Saturday and Sunday, but nothing took. There was no specific trigger, no reason if you will. I was just sad.
In an hour or so, the ‘mask’ will go back on because I have to go to work. But underneath, I know it will be a melancholy day.

My morning solace is gone. The lights have come on and the day shift officers are here. Oh dear god, some of our officers are so old that they can barely walk. How they pass their physicals, let alone fire a gun, is beyond me. Other guards are simply unhappy in their own lives and one would think that they simply come to work to make certain others are miserable as well. They will bark out orders and nitpick everything. Starting your day with these individuals is never easy.
At this moment, I am glad I have to go to work.