My visit with mom yesterday was good. We actually talked about the
blog a lot and she began to ask if I would consider writing a book. I informed
her that if I quit my job, then I could dedicate myself to that, but that I had
no idea who would want to read a book about this stuff. But then again, I do
realize that there is a genuine interest of what really goes on in here, so
maybe I should think more seriously about it. (If any of you have any thoughts
or comments on this prospect, please feel free to share them…)
As usual, mom asked me if I still loved Marc, my ex. I told her
that I do not love him anymore but that I will always care for him. He was, and
is, the only man that I have ever truly been ‘in love’ with, so he will always
play a role within my thoughts. There is
no escaping that simple fact. If I could take back things from that time;
things I did, things I didn’t do, then I would. Mom however, has always loved
Marc and until I meet someone else in the future, she will continue to always
revert back to him. I have grown to accept it for what it is.
As I was sitting across from her though, I came to a very real and
visceral awareness. I suddenly became very aware that my mom is no longer that alive,
energetic and vivacious 51 year old woman that I left behind when I came to
prison. It is quite possible that because I see her so often, I simply have not
noticed or taken the time to really see her. Yesterday however, I truly saw
her. I’ll candidly admit, it scared me a little. The years have changed us both
and as much as we both would like to stop time, we cannot. In any case, it was a reality check for both
of us. That realization was a tough pill to swallow. When I came back to my
dorm, I headed to the bathroom to once again look in the mirror. The reflection
was that of a 32 year old man. I gave him a nod and went back to my cubicle.
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