An inmate here needed to speak to me
about a pay discrepancy but was too nervous to speak directly to me about it.
He asked a friend of mine to speak to me on his behalf in hopes that I might be
more attentive to his situation. When my friend explained the issue to me, I
told him to have the guy come and talk to me.
30 minutes later, the guy had
worked up enough nerve to come and speak with me.
It turns out, that he had a legitimate
pay issue. When the business side of the conversation was concluded, I asked
him why he did not want to come and speak with me himself. He began quickly
rattling off the following reasons:
1. I make people feel dumb when I speak to them
2. I always look angry
3. People are warned to not upset me
4. I am very picky about who I give my attention
to
I was speechless. Before he left, I assured him that he could always come to me if there were problems with his pay. I sat on my bed contemplating all he had said about me.
Maybe he was right?
Do I make people feel dumb? It is
completely plausible. I deliver information or facts in a direct, unforgiving
way. I don’t make the necessary concessions for the simple reality that most of
the inmate population as barely made it through 8th grade. Most have
never been out of the state of Arizona. But I have a problem ‘dumming’ myself
down for the person whom I am speaking to. Speaking in laymen’s terms is one
thing, but doing it to feed their insecurities in another thing entirely.
Do I look angry? I have been in prison
for so many years. Nobody is on the same intellectual level for me to have a
conversation with. We have nothing in common besides the color of our clothing
and the fact that we are all convicted felons. In order to be mentally
stimulated or feel any sense of ‘normalcy’ I must maintain regular contact with
the outside world. What this means however is that I end up worrying about
everything going on in two distinctly different worlds, rather than one. The
biggest decision/responsibility most guys here have is whether or not to make
their bed, or even to get up out of bed in the first place. For me, every
decision I make here affects not only myself, but everyone outside of here that
cares for and loves me. It is a lot to manage at times.
“Don’t upset David!” The inmates that
have been doing time with me through the years have seen me at good and bad
times. They are very aware that I have a vindictive side and that I fear very
few things. It is no surprise that they have over time, spread this rumor about
me. I understand why guys go out of their way not to upset me.
"I’m picky about who I give attention
to.” Yes absolutely. I have learned all of the angles and possible ulterior
motives guys have in here. No one is exempt and so, I am very particular with
regard to who I give my time and attention to. That will never change as long
as I am in here.
I guess the lesson here is that the
guy was right. I feel like I should change something – to try and be less
harsh. But I won’t. These are traits that I have carefully developed over time
because of this environment. It is survival 101. They need to stay in place for
the greater good of holding onto what sanity I have left.
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