I have never believed that my
environment played a part in the fact that I am a gay man.
I, like so many, believe that I was
born a gay man. Before coming to terms with my sexuality however, I did have a
few heterosexual experiences. I know many gay men who have never been with a
female, let alone be attracted to them, but that clearly wasn’t the case for
me. I have always been able to discern whether I found men and women
attractive. As puberty came around, I was unable to decipher the differences
within my attractions. That fact alone was motivation enough to experiment.
In Junior High and High School, girls
were pretty aggressive in their pursuit of me. I was confused by that. I could
not recognize that the things I found attractive in guys i.e. their smile, voices,
athleticism, butt etc., were the same things that girls found attractive in me.
Natalie was my first for everything.
We shared commonalities: we were both popular and our parents socialized
together. She was stunning, athletic and we were both were both genuine
friends. When we decided to have sex, it was on a regular weekend ski trip to
her parent’s cabin in Tahoe. It was awkward and clumsy but we found our way. My
final analysis was that it was ‘okay’ but I didn’t understand what the big deal
was. It the weeks that followed, she wanted to have sex all the time. My friends
couldn’t understand why I was so nonchalant about it. Our relationship ended when
my mom and I relocated to Scottsdale.
A couple of years later, enter
Bernadine. Again, she was both beautiful and popular. The sex was exciting
because she was much more experienced that I was. One day, when we were fooling
around, I began to fantasize about my friend Sean and my arousal skyrocketed.
Sean and I had been in a ‘bromance’ at the time and it put my mind into a spin.
Luckily, my mom was not thrilled with Bernadine’s possessiveness toward me and
put a stop to the relationship. In truth, I was not disappointed.
In the months that followed, I worked
up the courage to tell Seam that I thought he was ‘hot’. Somehow we ended up
fooling around and had our own experimental phase. I knew that he was straight,
but for me, I realized that I was in fact, gay.
I was 16 or 17 years old when one day
after running errands, mom and my aunt Jan were in the kitchen having a glass
of wine, chatting. I was putting food away in the pantry when out of nowhere
they asked in union: “So when are you planning on telling us you’re gay David?”
I said: “I don’t know. I haven’t thought
about it. Why? Does that matter?
They said: “Of course not.”
“Okay then.” I replied and that was my
entire coming out conversation. I never really had the ‘I need to talk to you
about something’ talk. Like so many things in my life, very little is done in
that “normal” way.
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