‘What Makes Me Different?’

Sunday, November 29, 2015

I received a random, anonymous inquiry recently asking me what it was that made me different from every other criminal that is in prison. The writer went on to say that I took people’s lives and that I deserved to be here. They added that I was using my looks and my education to overshadow the fact that I was a murderer.

Take a moment and imagine me sitting in my 6’x8’ cubicle after a long day of work and opening that piece of correspondence. I was visibly shaken and immediately crumbled up the letter and dropped it into my trash bin. I took a long shower and cried my eyes out, not because this person is right, but rather – because I needed to be reminded of my actions. I do this on my own, every single day. I will always have shame in my heart for the fact that my decisions and actions resulted in, and contributed to people dying. I have never made excuses for that.

Once I got myself together and had a moment to really think about what this person had said, I realized that there is indeed a lot that makes me very different from other criminals in this prison. Unless someone actually lives and breathes in this place, and associates with the men who call this place “home”, it would be difficult for them to really understand. There are many things that set me, and a few others – apart.

1.   Outside love and support

Very few prisoners have the love and support of family and friends. It is an amazing thing to know that there are people who care for and love you. It gives me at least, a bigger reason to get up and be better and to love and care for others in return. The visits, the phone calls and the endless letters; all of these things remind me that I am a human being and I am not just another inmate in orange.

2.   “Murderer”

Contrary to what the author of this anonymous letter asserts, I do not and cannot classify myself as a murderer. There is no argument that my actions had a correlating effect on the fact that that 3 innocent people lost their lives. I own, and take responsibility for that.

The difference, the distinguishing factor is that I did not go out that evening with intent or malice. As tragic as the event was, it was truly an accident. I think that fact alone, sets me apart from someone who willfully puts a gun to another person’s head and pulls the trigger or intentionally runs someone over with malice in their heart.

3.   Career Criminal

I am not a career criminal like so many men in this place. I do not spend my days mapping out or planning ways to commit the same crimes – but in a much better way. Many men in prison sincerely believe that they only have to steal or cheat in order take fast money.

4.   Corrupted Mind

Rather than adopting a criminal way of thinking, I have learned how to stay ahead of it and – understand it. It is bizarre to realize that I am surrounded by men who are inclined to believe that because they see and want something, they are entitled to simply ‘take’ it. They will lie, cheat and manipulate others to get what they want – and at the same time, convince themselves that it is "okay" in order to validate their actions. It is really quite pathological when you sit back and watch it all unfold.

5.   Looks Aren’t Everything

The way that I look is completely out of my control. I can however lead a healthy lifestyle despite the environment in here. Because of this, I appear healthy. The majority of men in prison are ravaged by drug use, homelessness, laziness and a few other not so pretty things. I have been lucky enough to be able to take care of myself and for me, physical fitness has always been a big part of me life, even before coming to prison.

I have never believed that I am better looking than anyone else. I am really not that superficial. In general, I am accustomed to being scrutinized on my appearance – so why would I do that same thing to someone else?

6.   The intelligent factor

My education was a very good one, thanks to my mom. I had very little influence on where to go, or what to do with regard to my education and I am so glad for that now. Yes – I am educated, cultured and pretty worldly. It’s a part of who I am and cannot change that.

This entry is not intended to change people’s minds about me, but rather, to enlighten some readers on the fact that there are distinctive differences between me and the typical inmate. I do understand why it is that I am in prison. My goal is simply to help others understand that sometimes, extraordinary and horrible accidents can happen to individuals who are not intentional criminals.  If I have managed to empower just one person with this new understanding, then I have succeeded in writing this for everyone to read.

‘Trust’

Friday, April 25, 2014

Prison has a way of convincing us that people are fundamentally ‘BAD’. I believe that people are driven by ulterior motives, angles and are capable of incredibly heinous acts. I witness evil, scandalous and vindictive things being carried out by inmates every single day. Remember that for us, “with risk, comes the reward of an established reputation”. Inmates who have been proactive in building a reputation are allowed to do as they please. Unfortunately, it also enables them to have control. Inmates with too much control are inconceivably dangerous.

A time comes when morals will be challenged, ignored and seen as a clear disadvantage by the general inmate population. The choice to keep those morals close, can generate life threatening consequences. If an influential inmate suspects that you do not agree with something, at the very least you will be a victim of assault. The severity of the assault depends entirely upon the directives of the inmate with that ‘established reputation’. At the same time, only those who have taken great risks and have built their reputation, can authorize you to do your time as you please.

When I came to prison I was housed on the most violent, restrictive yard in the state. The inmates I associated with were sentenced to natural life or the death penalty and were notorious throughout the state. Instead of fearing them, I made the educated decision to study them. I made calculating choices in the people I befriended. Those who I did choose were considered as the “elite” of the population. I ignored their sentences and their crimes. I chose to nurture the relationships and I developed genuine bonds with them. I quickly developed status and influence by proxy. After a certain point, very few inmates would have anything to say about how I chose to do my time. My plan worked and in my case, knowledge was power. And I used that power – to keep myself safe.

It will take some time to re-acclimatize and develop the ability to believe in people again. I was on the phone with Joey the other night and I said that I need to remember that, for the most part, people are ‘GOOD’. The percentage of people who are ‘BAD’ in the free world, is so small that if I do not begin to accept that again, it will hinder my ability to form new friendships and be successful at reentering society.

I am not generally open with people. I have to be around them in multiple scenarios before letting my guard down. I have been told that I have an impenetrable gaze or stare. I am at times, an intense person and can easily embrace uncomfortable silence between two people. I am always paying attention to people’s mannerisms, facial expressions, changes in vocal tome, eye movement and rhythm of speech. I am constantly surveying my surroundings and the people within it. If I am complaining then I feel weak, as if I have lost control. 

Today, I am always expecting chaos.

I have no idea how I am going to learn to trust people again. Will I ever be able to relax and just give people the benefit of the doubt? I wonder if this is what soldiers must feel when they return home from war…

Once trust is gone – how do we regain it?