‘The reality of closing doors’

Saturday, February 21, 2015

I have only loved one man romantically in my life, Mark. I loved him then and I love him now – only in a different way. (At least I tell myself that) I mean, a man in my position cannot maintain a healthy relationship from here – even if I tried. Being with Mark – again – was a possibility a few years back, but I thought it best not to let history repeat itself. He may be the same Mark that I fell in love with all those years ago, but today, I am a very different David.

No matter how many times I have contemplated it, Mark + David simply doesn’t add up.

In acknowledging that, our friendship grew exponentially with me as an adult. What we have now, is healthy, rewarding and ‘safe’. When he visits, the energy is positive. Yes, I still find him attractive but that is not generated from my loins, but rather, an ephemeral place. When we speak on the phone, the conversation is interesting, educating and jovial. I look forward to the sound of his voice and the way he makes me focus on the bigger picture of life.

This past week, I learned that his boyfriend will be moving into his home. I was congratulatory, excited even, because Mark deserves to be loved, and well, ‘happy’. It’s something that I want for him and yet later on that evening, I cried for over 30 minutes in the shower.

Reigning in my emotions was difficult because I couldn’t assess the situation clearly. Was I jealous? Angry? Sad? If I was… then why? It made me feel incredibly selfish and immature. Then I realized why I was having these emotions: a door was closing.

Life is continuing and people are growing and evolving. I am doing the same, but – in here. I’m in here, in this place and I subconsciously do not want any doors to close. My heart and soul are simply not ready for that. 

Unfortunately, life doesn’t much care about any of that.

‘An Open Letter to Dan Savage’

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Dear Dan,

I am embarrassed to say that up until today, I had never heard of you or your column. You see, I am incarcerated and, as you might imagine, I have very limited access to many things going on outside of these walls. I have no access to the internet. (This blog is managed on my behalf, by a close friend who acts as my blog master.) 

Today however, I awoke to your interview on CBS Sunday morning. I was instantly intrigued, and with that, came the motivation to write this blog entry. I realize there is a huge possibility that you may never read it, but still, here I am, pen in hand.

You see, it is not every day that someone can cause me to question my own beliefs. I am pretty confident in how I have come to view the world, religion, sex and relationships. I am so sure of myself that I have blogged about there things. Like you, I have even given advice when solicited for it. I like to think I am a forward thinker and that I am open minded. I have never fit into a ‘box’ and have never wanted to. Being a bi racial, gay, Jewish man has always set me apart from most, and I embrace the fact that I am different. There are things however that would make me come across as traditional, specifically, the view I hold on relationships. 

Your segment on TV this morning was structured around your own view of relationships and with that, why you feel the way you do.

“Monogomish” was the term you use to describe your own marriage. At first, I was surprised and put off by it because emotionally I may be in denial when it comes to realistic monogamy. Don’t get me wrong…I want to be monogamous and believe that I can be. If my partner and I do choose to sleep with someone else together in a ménage a trios, or independently, what happens to that commitment to one another? 

The way you explained it was so eloquent and genuine. You are absolutely accurate in saying that when two people commit, they choose to be monogamous. But that doesn’t mean that they would never think about having sex with someone else. I think that, even the most committed of couples think about sex with other people and likely may not want to admit that to one another.

For me, I believe that if my partner had sex with someone else, I would likely want to discuss it, but I may honestly say that it wouldn’t be a relationship-ender for me. Perhaps that fact alone means I have evolved a bit in the relationship category. I don’t know. We are human beings and we make mistakes, etc.. I am a true poster child of what not to do, but that’s life.

At this point, I can tell you that I have a profound respect for your openness and for living your life as authentically as you can. Thank you for that and know that, if nothing else, your segment reached someone in a very unlikely place.

David

‘How often do we do, or say something wrong and never even realize it?’

Thursday, February 5, 2015

By now, most of you are aware that I have had a hell of an adventure when it come to pen pals and getting to know someone through “snail mail”. I have had so many ‘come and go’ pen pals over the years that I could literally write an entire novel about the experience. One thing however, that remains constant with all of these writer’s diversity is that they slowly fade, then disappear back into their own respective lives. 

I have discussed this many times with Joey over the years. It is so easy to think that there must surely be something ‘wrong’ with these pen pals, when in fact, there may indeed be something wrong with me! 

A pattern of repeated behavior used to be easily identifiable, but over time, I have changed. In the beginning, I was obviously attempting to fill a void of intimacy and emotion. Acknowledging that fact was difficult, because it made me feel weak and desperate. Once I pulled in the reigns and began to get a grip, I began to focus my correspondence in developing friendships. While it would start there, invariable, things would escalate to a deeper level and I would – fall for it. My guess is that on the other end, the reality of being involved with someone in prison would set in and ‘POOF’, they would disappear. 

I wound up pulling away from corresponding with pen pals because nothing positive was resulting and more often than not, I would feel like crap in the aftermath. When I finally decided that it was time to reconnect with people, I chose to look at it in a new way. I genuinely wanted to make some new friends, to keep things on a strictly platonic level and to engage in some meaningful, ephemeral dialogues. My hopes were dashed. Those efforts, failed as well.

The entire situation is so disheartening. I admit that people these days are busy with life, work, responsibilities etc.. I understand that completely. Still, the correspondence has a tendency to fail once a true connection has been made (i.e. after months of correspondence) and so, I cannot help but to wonder if it is me – rather than them?

Have you ever tried to scrutinize your own behavior?

It is very difficult because you do not want to be too easy or too hard on yourself. That in mind, I have no idea if it was me or not who caused the breakdown of these pen pal engagements. In the absence of knowing, I am left with no other alternative that to assume that, it must be me.

Change for most, is hard. Change when you don’t know what you need to change… well, that is almost impossible. I am open to ideas, thoughts and criticisms. If you, the reader, have anything to say, them please feel free to comment here – or drop me a line.

‘Sexual Fulfillment in Relationships’

Monday, January 26, 2015

By now, if you are a regular visitor to my blog, you will know that I am a supporter of relationships. Yes, I have been in my own journey when it comes to deciphering what it that I want and need in a relationship and yes – it has changed.

Many years ago, perhaps 05’, I was so convinced that I needed to have someone that I was willing to be anyone, say anything in order to have someone want me. The problem was that the person they would end up wanting never truly existed because it was a façade, a manifestation of that ‘perfect person’ I had created for them to want. The charade was exhausting and even though I knew that it would eventually come crashing down – I still created it. I did this all because in the few moments where I felt wanted, or needed by the other person – was worth everything to me.

Unfortunately, I was selfish and idiotic because I never gave much thought to how it would affect the other person.

I am embarrassed to say that even though I pulled in the reigns, it wasn’t until 2013 that I could truly say: “yes I want to be in a healthy and committed relationship with someone”. The caveat however was that I wanted it to happen with the right person and with complete transparency. 

Right now, I am ‘A O K’.

Last year, I received a lot of proposals via mail. I also received a tone of letters with miscellaneous questions on where my head was at in regard to relationships, especially between two men. I did my best to answer these questions as genuinely as possible knowing that some of my words might not make it through the reader’s filter in the exact way that I had meant it. Still, I did my best. 

There is a statement that I made almost a year ago however that continues to be brought up:

“I do believe that two men can be in a monogamous and committed relationship but – there has to be genuine sexual fulfillment.”

Apparently, this provoked a great deal of thought from many readers and, a great deal of postal response came in to me as a result. It became evident to me that a lot of gay men are in amazing relationships, and I learned, that some of these relationships may not necessarily be sexually compatible. They still however - make it work.

Typically they make it work through strong communications. Some partners bring a 3^rd party into the bedroom and others simply enjoy an “open relationship”. These concepts are becoming more ever present in relationships – both gay and straight. I am not in a position to judge because, after all, every relationship is different and what works for one, may not work for another. Still, these suggestions and recommendations were presented to me in direct response to how they perceived my statement.

I admit that I understand their basis for the defense of their relationships. What I took issue with however, was that I specifically used the terms ‘monogamous’ and ‘committed’. Call me old fashioned, but I do not think I could be in a monogamous, committed relationship and still be allowed to sleep with other people. Am I missing something here?

The responses that I was receiving, more or less, proved my point. Regardless how relationships are experienced, it still remains true that a certain degree of sexual fulfillment must occur in order to promote a higher chance of remaining committed to one another, and well – monogamous. 

The following questions were presented to me. In answering them – I may actually be prompting an even more volatile level of conversation. I welcome everyone’s feedback however – so please feel free.

1.   Q Is sexual fulfillment a prerequisite for everyone?

A Absolutely not. I think it’s appropriate to say that we, as human beings, have varied sexual appetites, needs and desires. We are also able to weigh the pros and cons in life and I believe it is probably better to become involved with someone for whom they are, versus who they are – ‘between the sheets’. Still, let’s hope for the best.

2.   Q Is the end game simply just a sexually viable pairing?

A Interestingly enough, I believe it is more important for a man to find this than a woman. I do not think it’s the ‘end game; however I do think that it is at the forefront of many men’s minds.

3.   Q Is the assumption that by partnering, you will be ensured sexual satisfaction for the balance of your life with that one person?

A This question is a bit dramatic I think, but no. I believe relationships, partners etc., go through a series of phases. I also know of many sexless relationships that seem to stand on their own, albeit they began as sexual ones.

4.   Q Does the true measure of a successful partnership hinge upon mutual sexual fulfillment?

A In my humble opinion, absolutely. If you truly are a person that wants a committed and monogamous relationship – and a successful one at that – then you must be in tune with one anothers sexual needs and hopefully able to fulfill them for one another.

5.   Q If there is no sexual compatibility or fulfillment, can there still be love?

A Yes. I do not think that ‘love’ has anything to do with sex in the relationship. I believe that ‘love’, is about the person. To include sex as a prerequisite to love, would be superficial to me.

Please feel free to join this dialogue by adding your comment here, or if you prefer, send your comments and questions to me directly at:

David R McKinney

#169947  QN9

ASPC Florence, North

PO Box 8000 

Florence, AZ 85132-8000

https://thebenttruth.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/the-sad-truth-about-gay-relationships/