Yesterday I was speaking to Joe on the phone and he said something
that really hit home. He said that my mom and I are frozen in time, stuck in
life. He noted that she still sees me as that 21 year old that I once was, and
that I still see her as that really vivacious 51 year old that lived life in
the moment. I admit that as I walked back across the yard, my eyes began to
tear up. I realized that he was completely right.
I am not 21 years old anymore. In fact, I will never be 20
something again. Those years flew by and I do not even remember turning 30. I
just was at some point. And mom is not 51 anymore. This realization terrifies
me in ways that cannot even begin to explain. She is now older and
subconsciously, I am having problems with that. I expect a lot from her and I don’t
know if that has been fair. At the same time, I cannot think about her as an
older woman in a sense, because I have issues with mortality, with death.
She and I have missed out on a lot because of what I have done. I
will never be able to do anything about that, but I will always be sorry for it
though.
Damn that Joe…
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