Thinking; "you never really know what you have, until it is gone."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Mr. X is in meetings all day today so no work for me. Instead, I worked out and ran a few miles. I called home and spoke to mom before she went to sleep. All is well on the home front. Knowing that, will make my day ok, no matter what.

When I came inside, I shaved and got in the shower. There is no sense in denying the fact that there are some beautiful, physical male specimens here. A lot of these men are in competition for body shape, size and definition. Everyone looks at one another and subconsciously takes mental notes. It is what it is.

Anyway, as I showered today, I was not paying attention to the company around me. A Mexican named Jr. was jacking off but I paid him no attention as I was trying to tend to my own needs. So I am standing there, dick in hand, and though I am hard and aroused, my mind was shut down. I immediately became depressed that there I was, masturbating to nothing. I know this may sound odd, but a part of me with the thought that I even have to masturbate sometimes.  When I break that down, I realize that it is not about masturbation, or even sex for that matter. It is the realization that I crave intimacy. Within seconds, I stopped my stroking session, continued to wash myself and then got out of the shower.

As I sit here, I go back to the differences between myself and Joe.

One thing that I love and admire about Joe is that his is truly, honestly happy to be alone, single or whatever. He lives how he wants and does what he wants. He is fulfilled without another person validating anything for him. I on the other hand, am the polar opposite. I love the thought of sharing my life with another person, waking up next to the same person in the morning and having them to lean on when need be. There is a definite, old school, traditional and romantic sense about me and I have no idea where it came from. This is especially interesting when you consider how incredibly dysfunctional my families are on both the maternal and paternal sides.

Over the years, Joe has taught me that I do not need a partner in order to be happy in life and I believe that now. It does not mean that I do not want to be in a relationship though.

I was at one time in an amazing relationship with a guy named Mark. While I was young, he was older, mature, established and incredibly handsome. The relationship was passionate, kind and fun. We travelled and did a lot of couple-oriented things together. At the time, I never knew that two men could have such a normal relationship, so it was an eye opening experience.

The demise of that partnership was that I lied to him about stupid things. I tried to be more mature than I really was. Likewise, he did some things as well that hurt our bond. Those things are not really very important.  The accident, was ultimately the deciding factor to end it for both of us.

I would like to have a relationship like that again. I believe that mentally, emotionally, and physically I would be so much better at it now and would know how to take care of the relationship more.

Like they say, you never really know what you have, until it is gone.