Mom, Joe and other friends have all been telling me lately about
the level of support that I will need when I get released. They have noted that
my transition is going to be very difficult because no one can go away to
prison for 16 years, get out and be just ‘okay’. Sometimes I don’t think even
they know how scared I am of getting out. What’s worse is that I hate the fact
that I have gotten to a place where I am actually afraid to be out of prison!
It is a classic sign that I have become institutionalized without even knowing
it. Most days I choose to ignore it but, when I am alone with my thoughts,
well, that’s when it all comes to the front and center.
Thus far, after 10 years, I have adopted the following traits:
1.
I do not like being in a crowd of more than
four people. My defense goes up immediately
2.
I do not like people behind me, for any reason
3.
I do not like to be touched from the side or
from behind. I always need to see what is happening.
4.
It is difficult to maintain steady eye contact
with anyone during conversation because I am always scanning my environment.
5.
Ridiculous words trigger anger in me; ie: “pussy”,
“punk”, “bitch”, “mother fucker”, “rat”.
Having these issues will make me appear to be crazy and I am
worried about the length of time it will take me to break them.
Other concerns that I have, are even scarier for me. I will list
them in order of importance to me, alright?
·
EMPLOYMENT – I have a few ideas as to what I
want to do for work, but I will obviously have to live hand to mouth initially.
Knowing myself though, I will need to hit the ground running in order to make
up for lost time.
·
LIVING SITUATION – I am pretty independent.
Moving in with my mom terrifies me. Though we could live together easily, I
would feel as if she would have a certain amount of control and say over me.
She would also subconsciously be all up in my business. Moving in with Joe
would be extremely time sensitive. He is the consummate bachelor and loves his
space. I would pose a challenge for him regardless of how close we are. The pressure
to find my own place, would be on.
Ideally moving in with Jan would be the best
idea because living with her would be easy and her house, is in a way, my
house. I love it as much as she does. The problem however is that she is in the
Bay area and I want to live in Boston.
·
SOCIETAL ACCEPTANCE – In my mind, people’s
acceptance of me is neither desired or required but in my heart, I would very
much like to be accepted. Deciding upon whether or not to be completely open
about my prison experience or to pick and choose times to divulge that
information is concerning. I know I am going to be judged, and seen
differently. That will bother me to a degree. I just do not know to what
degree. I do not want to live a life where I am constantly having to prove myself
to everyone.
·
RELATIONSHIP – Though I have subtly changed my
outlook on having a partner and being in a relationship, I know that at some
point, I am going to want someone special in my life. My past could very well
be a serious deterrent for anyone considering involvement with me.
I do not really discuss these issues with my friends or family
because they are like the white elephant in the room. When they tell me that my
transition will be hard, well, it kind of sums it all up. I try to bury these
concerns of mine but I know that is not healthy. Still, I feel talking about
them and attempting to deal with them now, is premature.
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