‘My Wall’

Friday, June 6, 2014

“One gets so used to one’s own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people.”

There is a darkness lurking inside of me. I have been trying to change/modify my behavior and reactions to things. The purpose was to somehow lighten the rough exterior shell that I have created in preparation for re-entering society. In doing so though, I have come to question everything I have come to know and do in this place. The task, if you will, has become very dangerous to my mental state.

Through the years, I have studied these men, these inmates that I live with, as a means to my own survival. I have learned their behaviors, their patterns of thought and most importantly, what they are capable of. We get along and while they believe within their soul that I am their ‘friend’, I am not. In that regard, I am literally the biggest fraud of all. My entire being is a facade that I have created in order to be strong, to be feared and ultimately, respected.

Inside, I judge them constantly and psychoanalyze them. Is it fair? Some would think not but it is uncontrollable. I am all at once repulsed and horrified by the people I live around. They are selfish and cunning but not in a way that you’d think was intelligent per se. I dare say that the majority of the population has an average IQ if 80. Their characters, (possibly mine as well), are unsettling to people outside of this environment. These qualities that seem so strange, so abnormal, have in effect, become my ‘normal’.

I am told that there are just as many uneducated, odd and questionable characters outside of prison as well. I believe this. The difference however is that outside, I have the luxury of choosing not to associate with certain people. That luxury is something that I do not have in here and believe you me, it is a luxury.

I have been experiencing more challenges as my sentence progresses. My tolerance is now nonexistent. The idea that I get along with people that I have nothing in common with is mind blowing to me. Time has taught me that we all have flaws, some worse than others. People in prison however, are all about themselves and their actions are usually fueled by ulterior motives. Maintaining constant awareness is a daily activity.

I know that as you read this, you might think, “There must be some good people in prison.” There are but, they are few and far in between. Even good people do bad things – right? Being a fundamentally good person in here – is meaningless. For example: inmates who are devoutly religious in prison are not exempt. Do not let their exterior facade fool you. In my experience, they are lost individuals, in a constant struggle to gain insight and security within themselves – all the while ignoring their demons.

The people I cherish most in this world have been encouraging me to let my walls down…to begin the process of cutting loose the rough exterior I have developed. A lot of my learned behaviors clearly need to be shed before re-entering society. In doing so, I have been realizing how convoluted and disturbing life really is for us. I am bothered by the fact that I have become so overly familiar with people who have committed such heinous acts. These are people I would typically evade on the streets.

Imagine for a moment, that you have created a wall of steel around yourself. That wall, is your dearest friend. It protects you, hides you, enable you to be strong and most importantly, you trust it. Remember the wall represents a distorted image of you to the outside, preventing those who would normally try to harm you from doing so. Unfortunately, the wall works both ways. It also forces you to see others in a simpler and at times, passive way.

So I let my wall fall and it was actually much easier than I thought. A wave of reality, harsh and cold, hit me like a ton of bricks and mortar. It was, I dare say, too much – too soon. I felt immediately vulnerable and weak. I began to question and doubt every person I came in contact with – even those whom I consider as friends. It was as if I had fresh, virgin eyes that I had when I first came to prison but with all of the knowledge and insight I have learned over the years. This new reality will unfortunately not work for me in here. I have to rebuild my walls again.

The wall must go back up because in here, it is all that I have.