‘It’s just sex people…. Can’t we all just RELAX???’

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

‘New for 2015’

Saturday, January 10, 2015

At the moment, things in my life are okay. For the new year, I began a new job working as the clerk in the mail and property office. The position so far has been wonderful because I feel as though I am accomplishing something everyday. The hours are 6-2, Monday – Thursday and 12-8 PM on Friday. Personally I love this schedule as it affords me the opportunity to work out/train daily and still have time to write, read and take care of other miscellaneous tasks. Since taking this new job, I have noticed a decided uptick in my mood and so, I am embracing this change.

On New Year’s Day, I took my 1,000 page police report that I have been toting around for all these years and finally threw it away. I believe it was one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had while being incarcerated and it felt as if a weight was being lifted. It’s not as if I am trying to forget why I am here… That is consciously impossible. I just didn’t need it anymore and I could no longer come up with a solid reason to hold onto it. Mentally, it was as if I was telling myself that the chapter is closed, that everything from here on out – is about the future and not – the past.

Mom has officially embraced the notion of being completely relocated to Boston within the next 346 days. She has assigned this particular timeline to adhere to and I think her energy is good. She deserves the opportunity to be as happy as possible and truthfully, she cannot achieve that here in Arizona. Her house is going up for sale and she is on a new mission.

Over and above all of that, I am really doing my best to stay focused on the present and the future. My natural instinct has always been to look back at what once was. I mean, the present was the equivalent to a personal Purgatory and the future seemed unreachable. It was all psychological but I couldn’t fight it successfully. Now, in 2015, I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may be wondering what it is about 2015 exactly. I can’t really say for sure. The fact that I have 3 only years remaining I guess, is so mind boggling to me. It’s almost over.

Lastly, I really have been committing myself to my Judaic studies. I won’t say that I am becoming religious, because I am definitely not. I am however embracing the concept of my faith and for once, feeling like I have a clear and concise understanding about it. There is no doubt in my mind that it has helped me to organize my thoughts and put everything into perspective. 

Funny, the things that can motivate and trigger change within us….

‘I need to know: Am I worth it?’

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

 

Every day that passes, I am one day closer to my new life. I have grown so much over the years of incarceration and now, when I look in the mirror, I see a man who wants to make so much out of his life. I have a vision, a plan and I know how I am going to execute it upon my release. There is no doubt that I can accomplish the life that I see for myself and yet I wonder at times – if I am deserving of it? 

“Am I worth it?” has been a question that now lingers in the back of my mind.

This revelation will not hinder my ambition but rather, simply fuel my drive to continue to improve upon who I am. I like myself and more importantly, I know who I am. That is something that I have struggled with a lot in my past. My morals have evolved and the things that bring happiness to my life… well, they are no longer ‘things’. I cannot lie though: I love material things. It is a part of who I am… but I no longer view them in the same way.

My Flaws: I am impossibly logical in thinking and do not fare well having to utilize the creative, right brain thinking side of my brain when needed. I am stubborn, intense, and strong in mind, body and soul. I can be very judgmental with the people whom I love and care for because, I believe, I expect more from them, It may be unfair, but it is true. I rarely give acts of violence a second thought because now, I understand the psychology behind it. (That does not mean I am an advocate for it…) Lastly, my appearance and image: it is more important to me than it probably should be.

My Qualities: I am intelligent, meticulous and responsible. I am a natural “go getter” and have no problem going after something that I truly want. I have great self discipline and I am loyal, compassionate, loving and understanding. I am open minded and accepting of all races, religions and lifestyles. I know how to listen carefully and then deliver guidance and advice. At this point in my life, I would also say that my ‘street smarts’ are very proportionate to my curricular learning. 

Yes, I am and always will be a ‘convicted felon’ for the rest of my life. Only recently have I begun to incorporate that into my way of thinking. In considering ways to promote myself, develop my brand etc. I have concluded and expressed that I want to represent myself authentically when I am released.

Am I good enough to be able to do this and still be successful? Have I done enough self-improvement? Am I worth this ‘second life’ that I have headed my way?

Right now, well, I am smiling… because I think I am.

‘Dear Society’

Friday, October 17, 2014

 

I was asked to verbally promote myself this week and realized that I was at a bit of a loss. Everything my mind was asking my mouth to say had repercussions and/or opened doors to more intense questions.

How am I to embrace life and be my authentic self, when I know that the majority of people will automatically shut me out simply because I have been to prison? The irony is that I don’t blame anyone for this response because well, I understand it. Still, I feel as though I have shown up to a swim meet and have no idea how to swim.

Here I am in prison and I have adapted. I have learned how to survive and rise above. When I get out of prison, my goal is to be authentic as possible. I realize that this will be difficult, but it is the right thing to do. My mind is flooded with all of the questions that inevitably will lead me right back here. All along I have believed that once I am out, living my life again, that I could close this particular chapter of my life and not look back again. I have realized now that it is not possible. Eventually people will find out. It is better that I tell the truth, better that it comes from me.

I wonder: when would people want to know? It’s not as if I intend on introducing myself to everyone that I meet as “Hi. I’m David and I am an ex con.” So, when is right? Clearly not everyone needs to know. My tailor, dry cleaner, or the corner grocer doesn’t necessarily need to know. My clients and people I would like to build relationships with… well they need to know.

I would be a complete tool to ask people for leniency and understanding. Nobody can understand the weight of being responsible for lost lives unless they have first hand experience. The understanding my crime, my accident, my poor decision is incredibly common doesn’t make me feel any better. All I can do is ask you – ‘Society’ to give me a chance to do good. Who’s to say if I deserve it or not because I am so far past ‘chances’ – but I have never asked before.

I just want a chance and no matter what my attitude, education, skills and ambition is…. my success is and will, be greatly affected by you. 

Or didn’t you realize?


Link to a national survey on Collateral Consequences Ex Convicts must face: 
http://www.abacollateralconsequences.org/map/