Monday, April 6, 2015
It’s seemingly impossible to put me
inside of a box. It would be easy to say I am a convict, a gay man, a person of
color or simply a Jew. There is nothing simple about placing ourselves in a
particular category though because, as human beings, we are deeper, more
complex that just that. For me, I remember a time when all I wanted to do was ‘fit
in’. I think a lot of kids and young adults do. It wasn’t I began to really
know and accept who I am, who I wanted to be, that I was happy to be different.
Within the 4 categories listed above that people use to define me. there are
also inner categories that have evolved. Some, mind you, are black & white.
Some, more than not, are very grey. It is for that reason that I believe that
the majority of human beings, myself included, have begun to defy the
stereotypical laws of categorization.
A Convict: The greater majority of
people would think that all convicts are hardened, career criminals lacking in
moral fiber in all areas of life. In fact, that presumption is true in only
some instances. A great majority of convicts are 1st time offenders
who made an very poor decision in life and regret it deeply. Some are guilty of
being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Others were simply involved with
the wrong people, be it romantically or platonically. Then you have men like
myself, who have adopted some convict-like institutionalized behavior as a means
of survival – but also, maintain a firm grasp on reality and a very strong
moral compass. As far as the convict prison population is concerned, I will
forever be an anomaly.
A Gay Man: Nowadays saying that ‘I
sleep with and am attracted to the same sex’ works, but there is a lot more to
the inner workings of being a gay man. The basic stereotype, I believe, is that
we all well groomed, fashion forward, effeminate and outspoken. The truth is
that the gay community has a number of sub categories such as bears, twinks,
leather men, body worshipers, muscle heads etc.. A lot of gay men try to fit
into one of these categories and it works for them. It has become apparent to
me however, that I do not easily fit into any of them. If I don’t, then I
believe it is safe to say that there are many other gay men who do not as well.
Somehow, I have bits and pieces of all these categories within me, but I have
no idea what it all means. I am pretty meticulous about my grooming but I do
have body and facial hair most of the time. I am strong and masculine in my
everyday life, but can also be submissive in my private life when called upon.
I have worn a harness of two in my day and I do take pride in staying in great
physical shape. I also play sports, enjoy the outdoors, getting dirty and a
slew of other things that are not typically associated with the gay community.
A Man of Color: It took a very long
time for me to stop caring about whether I was seen as a Black or White man. Unfortunately,
I have never been accepted entirely by either the Black or White communities.
The reasons may seem trivial, but they are real and they continue to happen to
most people of mixed race. I have never fit a stereotype of any particular race
or ethnic community and that fact became very clear to me when I came into the
prison system. I am not Black enough…I have swagger but it comes from
confidence rather than from being a Black man. I am not at all interested in
Rap or Hip Hop music and lean toward alternative music instead. The Ebonic
language is foreign to me most of the time. Racially, my differences, the
reasons that I do not easily fit into a category, are the most prevalent. They
were also the most tough for me to swallow. Now that I have embraced how I am
different and have become proud of it, I can say with confidence that referring
to myself as “swirly”, doesn’t bother me a bit
A Jew: Stereotypically, people
categorize Jews as being thrifty, large nosed, intelligent, deserving and, for
the most part, Caucasian. Some only recognize the Orthodox versus the Secular
Jews and that is their prerogative. There are however, a great many converts to Judaism as
well. Madonna and Amare Studemeire have both converted, to name a couple. They
believe in what works for them, for their own faith. I do the same and I am
proud of it. I do not need to shout it out loud it to the world for validation but rather,
I will tell people, when solicited, about it. I share it with them with pride
because it is what makes sense to me and, it’s what I believe.
You see, I am all of these things, and
they make up me as a human being. I am not just a convict, a gay man, a person
of color or a Jew. I am proud to not be categorized into a box.
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