‘Defying the Laws of Categorization’

Monday, April 6, 2015

It’s seemingly impossible to put me inside of a box. It would be easy to say I am a convict, a gay man, a person of color or simply a Jew. There is nothing simple about placing ourselves in a particular category though because, as human beings, we are deeper, more complex that just that. For me, I remember a time when all I wanted to do was ‘fit in’. I think a lot of kids and young adults do. It wasn’t I began to really know and accept who I am, who I wanted to be, that I was happy to be different. Within the 4 categories listed above that people use to define me. there are also inner categories that have evolved. Some, mind you, are black & white. Some, more than not, are very grey. It is for that reason that I believe that the majority of human beings, myself included, have begun to defy the stereotypical laws of categorization.

A Convict: The greater majority of people would think that all convicts are hardened, career criminals lacking in moral fiber in all areas of life. In fact, that presumption is true in only some instances. A great majority of convicts are 1^st time offenders who made an very poor decision in life and regret it deeply. Some are guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Others were simply involved with the wrong people, be it romantically or platonically. Then you have men like myself, who have adopted some convict-like institutionalized behavior as a means of survival – but also, maintain a firm grasp on reality and a very strong moral compass. As far as the convict prison population is concerned, I will forever be an anomaly.

A Gay Man: Nowadays saying that ‘I sleep with and am attracted to the same sex’ works, but there is a lot more to the inner workings of being a gay man. The basic stereotype, I believe, is that we all well groomed, fashion forward, effeminate and outspoken. The truth is that the gay community has a number of sub categories such as bears, twinks, leather men, body worshipers, muscle heads etc.. A lot of gay men try to fit into one of these categories and it works for them. It has become apparent to me however, that I do not easily fit into any of them. If I don’t, then I believe it is safe to say that there are many other gay men who do not as well. Somehow, I have bits and pieces of all these categories within me, but I have no idea what it all means. I am pretty meticulous about my grooming but I do have body and facial hair most of the time. I am strong and masculine in my everyday life, but can also be submissive in my private life when called upon. I have worn a harness of two in my day and I do take pride in staying in great physical shape. I also play sports, enjoy the outdoors, getting dirty and a slew of other things that are not typically associated with the gay community.

A Man of Color: It took a very long time for me to stop caring about whether I was seen as a Black or White man. Unfortunately, I have never been accepted entirely by either the Black or White communities. The reasons may seem trivial, but they are real and they continue to happen to most people of mixed race. I have never fit a stereotype of any particular race or ethnic community and that fact became very clear to me when I came into the prison system. I am not Black enough…I have swagger but it comes from confidence rather than from being a Black man. I am not at all interested in Rap or Hip Hop music and lean toward alternative music instead. The Ebonic language is foreign to me most of the time. Racially, my differences, the reasons that I do not easily fit into a category, are the most prevalent. They were also the most tough for me to swallow. Now that I have embraced how I am different and have become proud of it, I can say with confidence that referring to myself as “swirly”, doesn’t bother me a bit

A Jew: Stereotypically, people categorize Jews as being thrifty, large nosed, intelligent, deserving and, for the most part, Caucasian. Some only recognize the Orthodox versus the Secular Jews and that is their prerogative. There are however, a great many converts to Judaism as well. Madonna and Amare Studemeire have both converted, to name a couple. They believe in what works for them, for their own faith. I do the same and I am proud of it. I do not need to shout it out loud it to the world for validation but rather, I will tell people, when solicited, about it. I share it with them with pride because it is what makes sense to me and, it’s what I believe.

You see, I am all of these things, and they make up me as a human being. I am not just a convict, a gay man, a person of color or a Jew. I am proud to not be categorized into a box.

I am proud to be just me.

‘The Character of People’

Sunday, March 15, 2015

I spent the entire day yesterday at visit with Kevin and it was a really good day. We sat outside, being that the weather was beautiful, and casually discussed a great many topics. At some point, he mentioned that he had noticed that I was speaking of certain affiliates here less and less. He was very curious as to why that was. My answer, as complicated and perhaps even judgmental as it goes, was this: The more time that I spend in prison, the older I become and the less I want to associate with the people around me. For some reason, their negative character traits have become so increasingly clear and apparent to me that I simply choose to have no association with them, if at all.

Somehow, (and mind you, I hate to admit this…) I have become incredibly judgmental toward certain character traits within people. I think many of us are this way, but it’s just so difficult to really admit it. It’s easier for all of us to simply state how we are not judgmental. Personally, I think its critical when selecting various friends and associates, but you may of course, disagree with me on that. There will always be things that are important to me that may not be important to the next person. And that’s okay. In fact, I readily accept that. Similarly, there are things that are really inconsequential to me that may e very important to another person.

In my opinion, these are the most prevalent negative character traits of an inmate in prison. (There are exceptions, but the following list most certainly represents a sizeable amount of the prison population.)

REBELLIOUS

A lot of guys, still after being here for years, refuse to accept any type of authority. They remain only devoted to themselves and can be very disloyal.

DISHONEST/DECEITFUL

Everyone lies, both in and out of prison. Some lies are mundane and unimportant. Others can be very damaging and harmful. In prison, it can be life threatening. The levels of deceit that some of these guys go to accomplish what they want is scary. Because they do so, I realize that there are no boundaries with these men.

UNKIND/UNCARING/CRUEL/MEAN

I believe that this behavior is conscious and that we, as humans, should be kind to one another. Unfortunately, I have witnessed cruel and unkind behavior from one person to another even before coming to prison. Within my stay here though, I have been hard pressed to witness any authentic act of kindness from most inmates.

DIRECTED BY EXTERNALS

I cannot speak for everyone, but I don’t see how allowing oneself to be manipulated by other things or other people can be a positive thing. To me, it is a clear cut sign of insecurity and weakness. When I meet people like this, (and there are many here in prison) I become very nervous. Is it so hard to self direct your own life?

BLAMES OTHERS

This is the last, but worst item on my list. I suppose that because it hits home in such a way that I judge people the most on it. I myself used to blame everyone for everything in my life. All the while, I never stopped to look in my own mirror. It’s a tough thing to be accountable and responsible but, we need to be in order to evolve, grow and better ourselves. If we are unable to do that, then what’s the point of living a life in which we try to be productive?

There is a certain amount of leeway that needs to be afforded to men in prison however, and I am the first to say that this life is NOT easy, in any way. What bothers me is that so few have any desire to better themselves, to change, or at least, be accountable. Instead, the majority of inmates come into prison to pick up new negative character traits and/or habits. It is very disturbing when you look at the big picture.

Look – no one is perfect. I am certainly far from it but, I do judge just as others judge me. I am not entirely sure if it is something to be seen as a weakness, or a negative for me, but it has certainly evolved over the time I have been in prison. At the moment, I am not too sure if there any way of getting around that.

‘Race & Sexuality’

Sunday, December 14, 2014

I have forever been told that I am the ‘different one’, an anomaly or the exception to the rule when it comes to my race and sexual orientation. In comparison to most people of color and homosexuals, I have had an incredibly good life. It may even be unfair, just how easy parts of my life were. I suppose that growing up in a culturally rich San Francisco can do that.

Today however, it occurred to me that I do not identify as a black man or a white one. I have made my way by creating an independent category for David Ryan McKinney. People will ask me what it’s like being a black man in prison and I have no answer because well, I really don’t know. I mean, I am multi-ethnic and yes, I do have African American blood flowing through my veins, but I have never been truly welcomed or embraced by the Black community. This has never bothered me per se… I have accepted that I will never be ‘Black enough’.

In today’s culture, I would be “Black-ish” because I love jazz and R&B, I have swagger infused confidence, I play basketball exceptionally well and I am well versed in Black history. On the other hand, I am very articulate, pronounce all of my vowel groups, keep my pants up, love alternative music, practice Judaism, and play soccer very well. These are obviously conflicting stereotypes that subconsciously grant others the right to coin me as the ‘different one’, the anomaly, and the clear exception to the rule.

The reasons that I have been able to maneuver through my basic day-to-day with the Black population in prison is because I can easily hone in on my Black-ish interests. My acceptance is not an issue because they are unable to criticize me since I am not 100% Black. This peculiar fact has in a way, saved me from ridicule. If I had been viewed as a ‘Black Man’, then the end all/be all of whether I was accepted - or not would be simple. I am a gay man and well, many in the Black population seem to have an issue with that. There is no way around it….I would have been damned because of my sexuality.

In prison, I think the Black population is reflective of the hip/hop community on the outside. So many aspire to be rap artists or drug dealing, gun toting individuals and well, let’s be honest; gay men do not fit that mold – at all. In hip/hop, homosexuality is unheard of and viewed as unacceptable. In prison, the Black population follows suit. What is disturbing about that is that the discrimination occurs both inside prison walls and outside in society as well.

Recently, Joey viewed a Youtube video clip of an effeminately dressed man walking on the streets of NYC – which is assuredly one of the most open and liberal cities in the world. The negative comments, snickers and blatant disrespect shown toward this man was horrifying to him. Though I was unable to view it myself, I could tell by his reaction that it was a very disturbing video. Apparently it became clear that the majority of the people being disrespectful were Black and it cause Joey to ask me what that was all about.

I did not need to see the video clip.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls6-ZYSZoDM

I see that kind of discrimination everyday here in prison. What is intriguing is that it is not ever directed toward me, but rather, aimed at the more effeminate, 100% Black gay men only. There have been times when, I have been sitting and talking to a group of Black men (men I have known for years and have come to respect in my own way...) , and a fellow gay man walks by. They will immediately launch into a tirade of verbal assaults on him. Mind you, I am sitting there right amongst them! It is embarrassing for me and my heart breaks because it appears that I have chosen ‘sides’. In fact, I have not.

At times, I have put guys I know on the spot, demanding to know why they choose to embrace me as one of the ‘fellas’ but not the other gay men. Their response is always the same; that I do not embarrass them the way that more effeminate gay men do. I think the whole situation is absurd, but it’s much too big for me to fix.

Sometimes in life, there are things that we simply do not understand or can make sense of. The reasons why I have been acknowledged and accepted as a gay man in prison is simple: I do not place myself in a specific group or race. More importantly, I do not strive to just be known just as a "gay man". I have simply become ‘David’ and for whatever reason, it works.

This headline makes me feel like, we as a society, have actually made no advancements in life.

‘New Guy on The Block’

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Tuesday marks my 27^th day as a minimum level inmate. I was “rolled up”, loaded onto a van and driven across the state to a small town called Florence, Arizona which is located approximately 45 minutes outside of Phoenix on the southeastern side. I believe that I was truly ill-equipped to handle this particular change and, as you can see, it has taken near a month for me to get out a blog entry. Nevertheless, I am as situated as I am ever going to be and it is time to get back on the proverbial horse.

This particular facility is unlike any place I have ever been. It spans over a mile and is separated into 3 individual ‘yards’ which ae all connected by gateways. There are 1,500 inmates that live here and everyone of us has a release date. I am so accustomed to being around inmates who are serving life sentences or have been in prison for many, many years. Because of that reference point, I am in awe at how people behave here. There seems to be no structure, very little respect, and very minimal race or gang-related politics. This is odd to me and makes me realize how very institutionalized I really have become. In short, I have somehow evolved into a ‘convict’ and never even realized it.

I quickly realized that I was being avoided by almost everyone besides a small handful of inmates whom I already knew. When I inquired as to why most inmates were avoiding me, I was given an educational lesson. Apparently, I was being considered as violent, highly political and calculating. My reputation at Stiner in Buckeye (and other incredibly volatile facilities) had somehow manifested itself into the perception that I was a pretty serious ‘bad ass’. Inside, I chuckled about it, but when I was alone, I was disheartened by it. It is challenging to change people’s minds in here and I am not about to try. So I have accepted the fact that at least for now, I am flying solo for the most part. I am embracing it even though the whole point of coming to a minimum security facility was to re-establish some normalcy. That in mind – this is the least normal place I have been in some time.

For now, the inmates around me are on eggshells and I can hear their whispers behind my back. I know it. They know it. There is no point in confronting them because this is not the type of place for that. Additionally, that confrontational behavior is something in me that I am trying to change. Because of the peculiar nature of these inmates though, the staff and officers tend to be less patient, less respectful and often come across as well, rude. I am taken aback at how terribly they can treat the inmates here but I stop to put it into perspective and try to stay out of their way. I believe they must be completely jaded from dealing with DUI/drug offenders, auto thieves and other less violent, petty/mediocre criminals. I suppose they cannot help but to have a chip on their shoulders. The officers whom I am accustomed to dealing with however are very well aware of what the higher level inmates have done – and are still capable of. The fear that the inmate has ‘nothing to lose’ creates a certain level of awareness and mutual respect between officer and inmate that simply does not exist here.

At this facility though,. I am truly the new (yet old) kid on the block. I thought that after a few weeks, people would eventually warm up to me, but they have not. I shouldn’t care really… I don’t need new friends. I just wish I understood it better.

It pains me to say this, but at certain moments, I wish I was back on a medium security yard. Sad, but true.