Sunday, March 15, 2015
I spent the entire day yesterday at
visit with Kevin and it was a really good day. We sat outside, being that the
weather was beautiful, and casually discussed a great many topics. At some
point, he mentioned that he had noticed that I was speaking of certain
affiliates here less and less. He was very curious as to why that was. My
answer, as complicated and perhaps even judgmental as it goes, was this: The
more time that I spend in prison, the older I become and the less I want to
associate with the people around me. For some reason, their negative character
traits have become so increasingly clear and apparent to me that I simply
choose to have no association with them, if at all.
Somehow, (and mind you, I hate to
admit this…) I have become incredibly judgmental toward certain character
traits within people. I think many of us are this way, but it’s just so
difficult to really admit it. It’s easier for all of us to simply state how we
are not judgmental. Personally, I think its critical when selecting various friends
and associates, but you may of course, disagree with me on that. There will
always be things that are important to me that may not be important to the next
person. And that’s okay. In fact, I readily accept that. Similarly, there are
things that are really inconsequential to me that may e very important to
another person.
In my opinion, these are the most
prevalent negative character traits of an inmate in prison. (There are
exceptions, but the following list most certainly represents a sizeable amount
of the prison population.)
REBELLIOUS
A lot of guys, still after being here
for years, refuse to accept any type of authority. They remain only devoted to
themselves and can be very disloyal.
DISHONEST/DECEITFUL
Everyone lies, both in and out of
prison. Some lies are mundane and unimportant. Others can be very damaging and
harmful. In prison, it can be life threatening. The levels of deceit that some
of these guys go to accomplish what they want is scary. Because they do so, I
realize that there are no boundaries with these men.
UNKIND/UNCARING/CRUEL/MEAN
I believe that this behavior is
conscious and that we, as humans, should be kind to one another. Unfortunately,
I have witnessed cruel and unkind behavior from one person to another even
before coming to prison. Within my stay here though, I have been hard pressed
to witness any authentic act of kindness from most inmates.
DIRECTED BY EXTERNALS
I cannot speak for everyone, but I don’t
see how allowing oneself to be manipulated by other things or other people can
be a positive thing. To me, it is a clear cut sign of insecurity and weakness.
When I meet people like this, (and there are many here in prison) I become very
nervous. Is it so hard to self direct your own life?
BLAMES OTHERS
This is the last, but worst item on my
list. I suppose that because it hits home in such a way that I judge people the
most on it. I myself used to blame everyone for everything in my life. All the
while, I never stopped to look in my own mirror. It’s a tough thing to be
accountable and responsible but, we need to be in order to evolve, grow and
better ourselves. If we are unable to do that, then what’s the point of living
a life in which we try to be productive?
There is a certain amount of leeway
that needs to be afforded to men in prison however, and I am the first to say
that this life is NOT easy, in any way. What bothers me is that so few have any
desire to better themselves, to change, or at least, be accountable. Instead,
the majority of inmates come into prison to pick up new negative character
traits and/or habits. It is very disturbing when you look at the big picture.
Look – no one is perfect. I am
certainly far from it but, I do judge just as others judge me. I am not
entirely sure if it is something to be seen as a weakness, or a negative for
me, but it has certainly evolved over the time I have been in prison. At the
moment, I am not too sure if there any way of getting around that.
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