Friday, July 25, 2014

'FREEDOM STATEMENTS'


Thursday, July 3, 2014




Freedom is: 


·                      Freedom is: The smell of freshly cut grass


·                                                            Freedom is: Soaking in a warm tub



·                                            Freedom is: An innocent kiss


·                       Freedom is: Running in a forest


·                                   Freedom is: Interacting with new people



·                                                                           Freedom is: Privacy



·              Freedom is: Physical Mobility 


·                             Freedom is: The Ability to make a choice

·                                                       Freedom is: A warm embrace


·                                                                Freedom is: Flying


·                                  Freedom is: Learning new things


·                  Freedom is: Sex without reproach


·                                                                  Freedom is: A state of mind


·                                                                           Freedom is: Love

 

‘Questions Answered’



Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Q. What is my favorite snack outside of prison and my favorite snack inside of prison?

A. Consider me a food snob in a way, but my go-to favorite snack outside of prison has always been a good French baguette with sliced cheeses. My preferred cheeses are Gruyere, Maytag blue cheese, smoked cheddar, Gorgonzola, Roquefort, and Camembert. Inside prison, I simply eat raw tuna out of the pack with cashews.

Q. What does my job actually entail and how much do you make?

A. I am the head of the Human Resources division. (WIPP) I have an incredible amount of responsibility and am the only one capable and trusted to do what I do. The job is uncommon and so, I think it has caused me to become one of the most high profile inmates in prison. My responsibilities are as follows:

  • Payroll
  • Shift Scheduling
  • Interviews and summary reports
  • Closing out payroll in the database
  • Balancing budgets and keeping fiscal payroll under budget
  • I work five 10 hour shifts Monday through Friday and make $.45 cents an hour


Q. How often do I get visits, Where do my visits come from and how are they arranged?

A. Normally I get visits from my family every other weekend depending on their schedules. I have friends in Colorado Springs, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco and of course, Boston who also visit when their time and money will allow.
The visits are on both Saturday and Sunday from 8:00 AM – 4:00 PM and last the entire day. Overall, the environment is relaxed once you get past the barbed wire fences and steel sliding doors. There is food and drink available in vending machines and an outside area where people can walk around and smoke. I am able to hug, kiss and have physical contact with my visitors so there is no barrier of glass or anything like that.


Q. Throughout my incarceration, what is the most shocking thing I have witnessed or has happened to me?

A. There are a few things that were severe in nature that I do not speak of often, actually ever for that matter. I have never felt as though people needed to hear about these things, but I will share them for you now.

 - During my first 6 months of incarceration, 2 men attempted to rape me. They were unsuccessful and that event caused me to become a fighter. I fought hard enough that my reputation began to develop quickly.

 - Hearing a harmless elderly man being beaten to death in the cell next to me, simply because the cellmate that he was with, did not want him as a cellmate.

 - Watching a Muslim man stabbed over 100 times in the chest, head and torso simply because he was sleeping with another man in prison. He was dragged down the hall, laid in his bed, covered with a blanket and died.

 - Coming to the realization that I was no longer affected by acts of violence, I am numb and unaffected by it now.


Q. Is there anyone special out of your pen pals that you could see something serious with?

A. This is a two part question really. I could see myself with a few of the men that I have corresponded with and even someone whom I communicate with presently. The question should be: ‘Do I want something serious with anyone that I am corresponding with as a pen pal?’ The answer to that, would be ‘No’. I have no desire to become involved with anyone that I cannot physically meet and truly get to know, face-to-face in real life situations. In turn, there would be a great many questions that I would need answered as to why they, as a free person, would entertain a serious relationship with me being in prison. Thus far, that question has only been answered authentically by one man. (He shall remain anonymous)


Q. Do I have any favorite TV shows?

A. Yes. I love ‘Fargo’ on Fox. It was an unbelievable finish! ‘Tyrant’, also on Fox, is my new favorite and of course, I can’t wait for ‘The Good Wife’ to come back.


Q. What do I want my first vacation to be after I am released?

A. A snowboarding trip to Vermont or New Hampshire


Q. Is sex between inmates as rampant as it is rumored to be? (If so, why?)

A. I don’t know if I can accurately answer this question without a clear definition of sex. (Apparently it differs from person to person…) I will say that there is a lot of mutual masturbation, touching, wrestling, body contact, ball grabbing, bare ass smacking etc.. It is definitely more than a regular person would ever expect.
Personally, I think the answer is simple. Physical contact between people is fundamentally important. Men in prison are starving for it and with that, a good “bromance” can easily escalate to something more.


Q. Who is responsible for my blog?

A. My blog master is Joey. Calling him my "best friend" is an injustice however. We have both accepted that there really is no title or term for the bond that we have. Our relationship is uncompromising because we keep one another on track and continuously challenge one another to be better. Somehow, he finds the time to take care of this blog on my behalf.


Q. You were raised with both Judaism and Catholicism faiths. If you were to have a child, would you choose one religion over the other to raise and instill your child with? What would be your reasoning and what would your children’s names be?

A. Wow! I have never been asked this question or given it much serious thought at all really. I believe I have mentioned that becoming a parent has never been a priority for me. I do however, believe I would make a good parent. As far as religion goes, I would probably choose Judaism. Growing up, I personally felt more at home in a Temple, more accepted and less judged by people within that faith.
Names? I would say Oliver for a boy, Addison for a girl.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

‘Have you ever stopped to ask yourself “How much is enough?”’



Tuesday, June 16, 2014

Since the inception of this blog, I have mentioned several times that I can easily become agitated with the choices that people make in their lives. The agitation is heightened by the fact that I do not have the ability to make any substantial choices in my own life. Acknowledging this is important, yet I constantly struggle when it comes to reining in my frustrations. In general, I find myself carefully controlling what I say in response to things that people do with their lives. It’s surprisingly challenging.

Recently an acquaintance of mine has been making poor choices. He mirrors so many of the things that I have done that I cannot help but to worry. Intrinsically we are entirely different people and even though our needs, wants and desires vary… the footings are very similar. Both of us crave acceptance but for me, I have been able to manage this particular demon. This acquaintance has not however and I get the distinct impression that his desire for acceptance is considerably stronger than mine ever was.

I do not have the type of relationship with him, at least not one that is established enough for me to be able to dole out constructive criticism. I am beginning to realize that closeness almost doesn’t matter either though. That in mind, I feel I am better off remaining silent.

Somehow, I have become a person who is disappointed in so many things that people are and – are not – doing in their lives. I cannot help but to wonder if this is how my mom felt as she was watching me slide down to the bottom of existence. I listen intently to what people close to me are going through and then I compartmentalize it. I remind myself that I should remain focused on my own life rather than living vicariously through theirs. Then I realize that I don’t actually have a life. Instead, I live through their experiences – good and bad – because it is a distraction from my own personal hell. Sometimes the line of their lives and what I call ‘my life’ can get a bit blurry.

A dear friend has helped me tremendously to be able to separate those lines. I have learned to control my emotional response however, I have not been as successful in controlling the emotions inside me. I am growing forever anxious because I feel that time is moving too quickly outside of this place. 

Simultaneously, my life within these walls is falling more and more behind.

By nature, I am a ‘go getter’: a man full of drive and ambition. If something needs to be done then I set forth and do it. I have never been a procrastinator or someone others would deem as lazy. If you know someone who is like this, then you understand that it is practically impossible for me to ever be “content”. It is unfortunate, but very true.

I doubt that anything will ever be “enough” for me, but I need to know when to accept things: the things that I already have, the things that I have accomplished and believe that it is good enough. When I think about the people in my life, I want to tell them to get up off their asses and do something with their lives. I want them to take advantage of the life that they do have. Obviously this comes from a perspective of not having much of a life but there are people who are struggling with their own complacency issues and dreaming instead of doing. They need to wake up, move on in life and try to find a sense of purpose and some version of happiness in their lives.

Saying all these things to these people, even the acquaintance I first mentioned is pointless. I cannot live their lives for them or force their hands to take advantage of the opportunities that they are seemingly content in ignoring. Life continues on and I suppose that for some of them, they have their own interpretation of “enough”. If they didn’t, well then they would surely do something to change their situations.  Perhaps that type of response only pertains to the people like me? Perhaps they really are okay and are making the best choices for themselves? Perhaps it’s I who will never have enough?

I know that at the end of the day, I will never find my happiness through others and that I can’t even chase it.

But I have to ask myself….

“How much is enough?”

‘Transsexuals and Convicts’



Monday, June 16, 2014

“How do you explain human sexuality or sexual identification to gang members, skinheads and Mexican Mafia members?” I can tell you from first hand experience that it is not as difficult as you might think.

If you are one of the millions of people binge watching the Netflix show ‘Orange is the New Black’ then you should be familiar with an actress by the name of Laverne Cox. She was interviewed by Katie Couric this past Friday and so began a conversation I never thought would happen.

The guys in my dormitory began asking me if she was in fact a man and what did I know about her. It was as if because I was a gay man, that I should automatically know everything about her. I asked them if they thought the LGTB community had a secret society in which we all know one another. They laughed and responded that, no, they did not think that. Still though, they pressed on.
I did my best to explain to them that Laverne Cox would not have ever identified herself as a gay man. They were incredibly confused. I digressed and began a human sexual identity psychology class.

I painted the image that if they were born, just as they were, but inside believed that they were supposed to be a girl – that it would be like being trapped in a body that wasn’t theirs. I asked them how they would feel if people told them that they had to be with other men and that being with a woman was wrong. It was clearly a light bulb moment for them. All of a sudden they began to understand that Laverne Cox would not be a gay man or simply gay because inside she always identified herself as female. I explained that it is not about genitalia, or even the physicality if it, but rather, the mind and the soul of the person.

A few of the guys commented on how pretty Laverne Cox was ‘for a man’. I corrected them and said that she is beautiful for a woman. They were silent for a moment and then began referring to Laverne Cox as “her” and “she”. I couldn’t help but to smile inside.

-      Lesson Complete