‘It’s just sex people…. Can’t we all just RELAX???’

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‘Questions Answered’

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Q. What is my favorite snack outside of prison and my favorite snack inside of prison?

A. Consider me a food snob in a way, but my go-to favorite snack outside of prison has always been a good French baguette with sliced cheeses. My preferred cheeses are Gruyere, Maytag blue cheese, smoked cheddar, Gorgonzola, Roquefort, and Camembert. Inside prison, I simply eat raw tuna out of the pack with cashews.

Q. What does my job actually entail and how much do you make?

A. I am the head of the Human Resources division. (WIPP) I have an incredible amount of responsibility and am the only one capable and trusted to do what I do. The job is uncommon and so, I think it has caused me to become one of the most high profile inmates in prison. My responsibilities are as follows:

• Payroll
• Shift Scheduling
• Interviews and summary reports
• Closing out payroll in the database
• Balancing budgets and keeping fiscal payroll under budget
• I work five 10 hour shifts Monday through Friday and make $.45 cents an hour

Q. How often do I get visits, Where do my visits come from and how are they arranged?

A. Normally I get visits from my family every other weekend depending on their schedules. I have friends in Colorado Springs, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco and of course, Boston who also visit when their time and money will allow.

The visits are on both Saturday and Sunday from 8:00 AM – 4:00 PM and last the entire day. Overall, the environment is relaxed once you get past the barbed wire fences and steel sliding doors. There is food and drink available in vending machines and an outside area where people can walk around and smoke. I am able to hug, kiss and have physical contact with my visitors so there is no barrier of glass or anything like that.

Q. Throughout my incarceration, what is the most shocking thing I have witnessed or has happened to me?

A. There are a few things that were severe in nature that I do not speak of often, actually ever for that matter. I have never felt as though people needed to hear about these things, but I will share them for you now.

 - During my first 6 months of incarceration, 2 men attempted to rape me. They were unsuccessful and that event caused me to become a fighter. I fought hard enough that my reputation began to develop quickly.

 - Hearing a harmless elderly man being beaten to death in the cell next to me, simply because the cellmate that he was with, did not want him as a cellmate.

 - Watching a Muslim man stabbed over 100 times in the chest, head and torso simply because he was sleeping with another man in prison. He was dragged down the hall, laid in his bed, covered with a blanket and died.

 - Coming to the realization that I was no longer affected by acts of violence, I am numb and unaffected by it now.

Q. Is there anyone special out of your pen pals that you could see something serious with?

A. This is a two part question really. I could see myself with a few of the men that I have corresponded with and even someone whom I communicate with presently. The question should be: ‘Do I want something serious with anyone that I am corresponding with as a pen pal?’ The answer to that, would be ‘No’. I have no desire to become involved with anyone that I cannot physically meet and truly get to know, face-to-face in real life situations. In turn, there would be a great many questions that I would need answered as to why they, as a free person, would entertain a serious relationship with me being in prison. Thus far, that question has only been answered authentically by one man. (He shall remain anonymous)

Q. Do I have any favorite TV shows?

A. Yes. I love ‘Fargo’ on Fox. It was an unbelievable finish! ‘Tyrant’, also on Fox, is my new favorite and of course, I can’t wait for ‘The Good Wife’ to come back.

Q. What do I want my first vacation to be after I am released?

A. A snowboarding trip to Vermont or New Hampshire

Q. Is sex between inmates as rampant as it is rumored to be? (If so, why?)

A. I don’t know if I can accurately answer this question without a clear definition of sex. (Apparently it differs from person to person…) I will say that there is a lot of mutual masturbation, touching, wrestling, body contact, ball grabbing, bare ass smacking etc.. It is definitely more than a regular person would ever expect.

Personally, I think the answer is simple. Physical contact between people is fundamentally important. Men in prison are starving for it and with that, a good “bromance” can easily escalate to something more.

Q. Who is responsible for my blog?

A. My blog master is Joey. Calling him my "best friend" is an injustice however. We have both accepted that there really is no title or term for the bond that we have. Our relationship is uncompromising because we keep one another on track and continuously challenge one another to be better. Somehow, he finds the time to take care of this blog on my behalf.

Q. You were raised with both Judaism and Catholicism faiths. If you were to have a child, would you choose one religion over the other to raise and instill your child with? What would be your reasoning and what would your children’s names be?

A. Wow! I have never been asked this question or given it much serious thought at all really. I believe I have mentioned that becoming a parent has never been a priority for me. I do however, believe I would make a good parent. As far as religion goes, I would probably choose Judaism. Growing up, I personally felt more at home in a Temple, more accepted and less judged by people within that faith.

Names? I would say Oliver for a boy, Addison for a girl.

‘Sex, Intimacy and Masturbatory Pleasure’

Monday, April 28, 2014

Recently, I had a conversation with a guy that had just returned to prison. He had previously served a 20 year sentence and had only been released for 9 months before violating the terms of his parole, causing him to come back to prison. I was curious to hear about how he adapted and how he received the world etc.

Somehow, we ended up on the topic of sex. He revealed that he had great difficulty performing. He explained that though he was aroused, that he could not climax in the presence of another person. When it came to intimacy, he was surprisingly shy and had difficulty maintaining an erection. I could see the shame in his face as he admitted that he was unable to consummate the relationship that he has had with his wife for the past 26 years.

The fault apparently lies within the conditioning of prison. For 20 years,  masturbation became his ‘norm’. There was no denying that. As I walked away, I couldn’t help but to wonder if I would have the same – or at least, similar issues.

It has been a very long time since I have had any real sexual contact with another man. Voyeurism doesn’t count. If I am completely honest with myself, the thought of having sex is almost foreign to me now. Over the years, the things that promote arousal in me have changed. They are now, predominantly things that are associated with the intimacy of relationships. Things like snuggling alongside someone, their smell, taking a bath together, or sharing a meal. Clearly the more intimate things are now what turns me on. I have never been big on casual sex and when I am released, I doubt seriously that I will be participating in random sexcapades.

As far as intimacy goes though, I know that it will be a challenge. True intimacy requires “trust” and that is something I have grown to have difficulty with. I am not good at being vulnerable, but will try my best if I meet someone worth trying for.

Masturbatory pleasure is completely mechanical for me at this point. I no longer put much emphasis upon it and it has completely lost its appeal. That doesn’t mean that I have given it up, but rather, I utilize it for stress relief now. I would be completely fine if I never had to masturbate again after my release. I mean that literally.

‘Guys & Dolls’

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I have never believed that my environment played a part in the fact that I am a gay man.

I, like so many, believe that I was born a gay man. Before coming to terms with my sexuality however, I did have a few heterosexual experiences. I know many gay men who have never been with a female, let alone be attracted to them, but that clearly wasn’t the case for me. I have always been able to discern whether I found men and women attractive. As puberty came around, I was unable to decipher the differences within my attractions. That fact alone was motivation enough to experiment.

In Junior High and High School, girls were pretty aggressive in their pursuit of me. I was confused by that. I could not recognize that the things I found attractive in guys i.e. their smile, voices, athleticism, butt etc., were the same things that girls found attractive in me.

Natalie was my first for everything. We shared commonalities: we were both popular and our parents socialized together. She was stunning, athletic and we were both were both genuine friends. When we decided to have sex, it was on a regular weekend ski trip to her parent’s cabin in Tahoe. It was awkward and clumsy but we found our way. My final analysis was that it was ‘okay’ but I didn’t understand what the big deal was. It the weeks that followed, she wanted to have sex all the time. My friends couldn’t understand why I was so nonchalant about it. Our relationship ended when my mom and I relocated to Scottsdale.

A couple of years later, enter Bernadine. Again, she was both beautiful and popular. The sex was exciting because she was much more experienced that I was. One day, when we were fooling around, I began to fantasize about my friend Sean and my arousal skyrocketed. Sean and I had been in a ‘bromance’ at the time and it put my mind into a spin. Luckily, my mom was not thrilled with Bernadine’s possessiveness toward me and put a stop to the relationship. In truth, I was not disappointed.

In the months that followed, I worked up the courage to tell Seam that I thought he was ‘hot’. Somehow we ended up fooling around and had our own experimental phase. I knew that he was straight, but for me, I realized that I was in fact, gay.

I was 16 or 17 years old when one day after running errands, mom and my aunt Jan were in the kitchen having a glass of wine, chatting. I was putting food away in the pantry when out of nowhere they asked in union: “So when are you planning on telling us you’re gay David?”

I said: “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. Why? Does that matter?

They said: “Of course not.”

“Okay then.” I replied and that was my entire coming out conversation. I never really had the ‘I need to talk to you about something’ talk. Like so many things in my life, very little is done in that “normal” way.

The biggest dick club; "We’ve taken to playing a game that involves naked jumping jacks."

Monday, January 7, 2013

Okay, so this is completely off the wall, but sometimes we have way too much time on our hands. Take into consideration also, that we live in a very big locker room of sorts.

John, I and another friend of ours, are all pretty well endowed. I am not bragging, but put it this way; we are never made fun of in the shower or locker room. Anyway, when we all shower together, we’ve taken to playing a game that involves naked jumping jacks. The 1^st one to consecutively hit their belly button with their penis 10 times – has to cook dinner. I know, I know, this sounds so completely elementary school. More hysterical though, is that other guys have been desperately trying to join our “club”. They slip, they slide and make complete fools of themselves when they know that it will just never happen for them.

This is what grown men do when they are bored, naked and in the shower.

Oh what a night!; "I felt rough, callused hands moving alongside of my lower torso."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I slept amazingly well last night until around 2:00 AM. I was sleeping in my normal #4 position; on my stomach with one leg out and the other bent with my foot connecting to my knee. My pillow has made its way alongside me and so I was lying quite flat on my bed.

I am not sure how I realized it, but at some point, I felt a weight on top of me. I do not remember being shocked or surprised by it. Instead, I simply shifted my body ever so slightly so that I was more comfortable.  Shortly thereafter, I felt rough, callused hands moving alongside of my lower torso, fingers playing along the inside of boxer waistband. I felt my boxers being pulled up instead of down. A pair of thick thumbs began playing inside of my ass, tracing over my hole spreading my cheeks ever so gently. I remember telling whoever it was, that I am not a bottom as I exhaled and moaned quietly.

Before I could catch my breath, I felt an immediate pressure. The man was pushing a huge, blood filled penis into me and I was paralyzed by it. I felt every inch enter me and it felt horrible, but amazing all at the same time. It seemed to go on forever before his balls nestled against my own. Never before had I imagined that I would feel this way having someone inside of me. Instinctively, I reached around and took a handful of a beautifully round ass. Intrigued, I tried to look behind me to see who this man was. As my head tilted to the side, he pulled out in a long, fluid motion and the shock of that withdrawl, brought me back to consciousness.

As I looked around, all was dark and I was still covered up by my blanket.  I had been dreaming and everything was as it was when I went to sleep except for that large wet spot on my sheets. Fuck!

As I got up to wash my dreams away, I tried to remember the last time I had experienced a wet dream. It has been many, many years so I figured it was alright. Strangely enough, I wish I would’ve been able to see who I had been dreaming about. Hmmmmm

Have you ever been watched... and OK with it?

Monday, November 26, 2012

Before coming to prison, I would never have considered myself to be prudish, or even shy about my body. Modeling required me to be naked sometimes more than when I actually had clothing on. But as my friends would say, I am not exactly the type of guy who would have been made fun of in the locker room. Despite that though, there were obviously things in prison that I had to adapt to, like basic strip searches, using the restroom in front of whomever, and of course, masturbation. For most guys, masturbation in here is a daily requirement. It is expected and most everyone have very few reservations about doing it in front of other guys in the shower. Now, I am not shy in this aspect, but I still try to make my own sessions when there is the least possible traffic in the shower.

Saturday however, I received a great letter from someone I am corresponding with. He called me his “in prison boyfriend” and well, I began to develop this fantasy, if you will. It became clear to me that I needed to head to the shower and handle my business. As I stood there and began to stroke, I sensed that someone was watching, but I continued on thinking about my friend.

For whatever reason, I turned around so that my back was now against the wall of the shower. I locked eyes onto Eli, who was studying me intently. I have watched him ‘take care of his business’ many times before but now, apparently, it was his turn to watch me. He did nothing but stand there, with the water running down over him. His erection gently swayed in the air as he watched every stroke I made. Before I knew it, I was at my climax and just like that, it was over.

Neither of us said a word as we continued to bathe. As I was drying off, and wrapping the towel around my waist, he came up beside me and said; “I have two questions for you; 1. Have you ever fucked anybody with that? & 2. Who were you thinking about in there?”

I quickly replied “Yes, I have fucked plenty of people, but prefer to be the receiver, and the person I was thinking about, was none of his business.” I walked out of the bathroom realizing that I have my own little voyeur in here.

All I could do, was smile.