’50 Shades of Gay’

Saturday, March 28, 2015

I was 10 years old the 1^st time I looked into in a gay bar.

My mom and I were walking down Castro Street in San Francisco and doing some boutique shopping. It was a beautiful afternoon. Because the various bars were beginning to get populated, I assume it was probably around happy hour. I recall seeing this gigantic black man standing outside of a door wearing jeans, and what I now know to be a leather harness. His torso looked like a double black diamond alpine ski trail. Loud music was pumping out from inside and I kept seeing bright flashes of color. 

At some point, I wiggled free from mom, jogged up to the door and asked the big guy out front if I could look inside. He smiled a brilliantly warm face back to me and said ‘all right’. He picked me up so I could look into the windows and I saw huge women dancing about on a stage. It looked fun, and I remember wondering why they were so big. The man put me down in front of my mom who had finally caught up to me. She thanked him and he told me that one day, I would be allowed to go inside if I wanted to. I’d only have to wait about 10 more years. 

That club was the Pendulum and it will serve a purpose in my life forever.

As the years passed by I would poke and prod my mom’s gay friends about certain things and began to understand the diverse differences among the gay community. Keep in mind that my mom’s gay friends were RN’s and physicians. They had accomplished great things in their lives with their careers. Still though, when it came to their definition of ‘gay’, they had divided themselves up. The 1^st groups I learned about were the “Bears” and the “Twinks”. Since those definitions were based primarily on physicality, it was easy to understand. But even though they were in distinctly different categories, they still socialized together and it wasn’t ever a situation to which there was an ‘us’ vs. ‘them’.

I am certain many will frown upon this, but by the age of 16, I had a fake ID and was hitting the gay clubs whenever possible. I never had sex with anyone, and I didn’t drink alcohol. I would simply dance and absorb the sense of belonging that I felt. It was like being free. Soon, I realized that some bars and clubs tailored themselves specifically to certain lifestyles within the gay community. I discovered that I was most comfortable within the leather and sports themed gay bars. Those establishments were filled with jocks and body worshipers. That experience helped me to realize and understand who I was.

By the time I was 18, I was DJing at one of the hottest gay bars in Scottsdale. It was a jock bar and I had developed good friendships with the staff and owners there. I was very in tune with all that was going on as far as drug use and prostitution. These were things that were also happening at straight clubs, but I never liked the way it looked, specifically, I never liked the way it made the gay community look. For me, my friends learned early on to never pass the marijuana to me because it would put me to sleep instantly. Since I love my sleep, cocaine or crystal meth were absolutely unappealing to me. So, if a lot of drug use was occurring around me, I simply accepted it subconsciously and continued to have my own version of a good time. I was still very young and naïve, but I was evolving quickly at the same time.

The one thing I remember most however, was the sense of belonging and camaraderie, It didn’t matter what lifestyle within the LGBTQ community you represented, you were accepted. More than that – you were supported. I am certain that there was judgment, cattiness and bad behavior amongst some, but I was afforded the privilege of not having to associate with those people.

Today, at 34 years of age, I have a decidedly different outlook on the LGBTQ community. Most importantly however, I miss them. I miss the feeling of belonging because I have been the odd man out in prison for so many years.

In my experience, those from the LGBTQ community who come into the prison system are perhaps more damaged, more lost than most. Many of them are HIV positive, have incredibly high levels of dug addiction and are willing to do just about anything for a dollar. It is sad and upsetting. The majority adopt female names regardless of the fact that there is nothing even remotely feminine about them.

In the beginning of my incarceration, I used to try to befriend other gays in prison, but it truly never worked out. I was quick to discover that many of them simply wanted me to be their financial supporter. Additionally, because I knew how to fight and defend myself, they also wanted me to act as their protector. (Unfortunately, most of them do not exactly abide by the rules willingly...) So, for my own sanity, I began to retreat from them. 

Soon enough, many of the gays began to view me as a threat and, as time passed, that sentiment was spread throughout the prison system. It was clear to me that because I presented myself as a ‘man’, because I was sober and didn’t fool around with other inmates, that I was somehow projecting myself as ”better” than them. In response, I began to judge and discriminate against them because I believe that their behavior was creating the basis for widespread homophobia in prison. Candidly, their drug use, behavior and promiscuity in this environment, embarrassed me as a gay man.

The very idea that I do not want to chance befriending any other gays I come in contact with - speaks volumes. I can’t say that all gay men in prison are like this, because I know that surely cannot be true. I simply wish that some of the ones here, in the prisons I have been at, would carry themselves better, or at least try to better themselves. This experience, when it comes to prison, has made me sad and very frustrated as a gay man.

I suppose, at the end of the day, that we, as human beings, are all intrinsically different. Because of our varying orientations, we will not always agree with how we choose to lead our individual lives. I mean, I realize that I am ‘David’, and yes, I am a gay man. That’s all I can be and work on - because the other various shades of gay, well I can’t let that affect me. ‘

Not in prison anyway…

Related Posts:

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2015/02/alternative-lifestyles-and-correctional.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2014/01/being-gay-in-prison-is-it-as.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/09/last-week-homosexual-was-brought-to-yard.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/10/traitor-homosexuals-in-prison-for.html

‘Alternative Lifestyles and Correctional Officers’

Sunday, February 15, 2015

The politically correct term for the LGBT community within a prison facility is ‘Alternative Lifestyle’. I have to tell you that I HATE that title. I always have and always will. To say that I am classified as an ‘Alternative Lifestyle; makes me feel as if I have somehow chosen this way of life rather than simply being the gay man that I am. It’s an unfortunate truth that I alone will never be able to change that and so, I have learned to swallow a certain amount of pride and simply accept it.

One would think, as a gay man, that all gay men would be a united front within the correctional system. I have touched on this topic previously (see related blog entries below) and explained that we are not in fact united. In fact, we go so far as to divide, segregate and ‘click up’ into our own distinct sub categories. As a reminder to those of you who have not been following this blog since the inception, these are the categories of the ‘Alternative Lifestyles’ in prison:

Gay Men  Guys who work out, excel at sports. Have masculine/heterosexual mannerisms and are generally accepted by the ‘straight’ male inmates without issue. They tend to not associate with anyone in the LGBT community in prison.

Gay Boys  Guys who are effeminate and go out of their way to present themselves as ‘pretty’. They tend to wear form fitting clothing and like to have trysts whenever possible. They are struggling to find their niche of acceptance.

Queens  Guys who present themselves as female and take on pseudo female nicknames such as “cocoa”, “Asia”, “Hollywood”, “Candy”, etc. They are a force to be reckoned with and aggressive when travelling in packs. They are comical and entertaining to watch amd I mean that in a very heartfelt way.

Chicks  Guys who are physically transitioning into females. They have  had hormone therapy, implants, injections of Botox and fillers. Since they are not complete in their gender reassignment and still have male genitalia, they are housed with men in general population. In my 13 years, I have only met one Chik and she was only on the yard for a few weeks before being moved. She received multiple disciplinary infractions and was reassigned elsewhere. Beyond that, she was treated well by both inmates and staff.

So, now that you have a baseline, I can address the question of what the dynamic is between correctional officers and the ‘Alternative Lifestyle’ population.

I am not certain what is assumed, but I am here to say that I have never had any issue with staff because of my sexuality. I think, and I can only say this because of the type of questions I receive on this topic, that the public speculation is that gay men are treated terribly by the officers. I have never personally witnessed that behavior. I have seem both officers and the administration personnel go out of their way to ensure safety and comfort for the gay community in prison.

I think that somehow there is a cloud of misrepresentation regarding LGBT inmates and officers. The general, free population hears horror stories of what it is like to be gay in prison. While many of those stories may be true, it is typically not because of the officers, but rather, the fellow inmates. The officers, (at least the ones I have known) treat gay inmates like everyone else – which is a good thing. If nothing else, perhaps I can in this blog post, clear up that misconception for you.

The inmate on inmate issues will forever be present and it really is about the “leader” vs. the “follower” in here. The majority of inmates are followers and they are this way in hopes of being accepted and for their own survival. The leaders are typically narrow minded, and like true politicians, tend to forget the bigger picture. Unfortunately, they do not forgo their own personal beliefs in order to create peace and order among the greater population. If you are curious as to where I stand in this whole mess, well bear this in mind; I have previously been a ‘leader’ (or as they call them in prison: a “Head”). The only reason I was successful in it was because I knew the right people and that I am considerably more intelligent than many of the other inmates. That said, I was able to lead a lot of “thirsty people to water”, in a manner of speaking. What I failed to realize was he huge amount of energy it took from me.

Today, I am an independent. I’m just DAVID . My reputation is pretty solid and because of my prison history, nobody can really tell me what to do. For clarification, I categorize myself into the ‘Gay Men; group. I am guilty in that I do not really associate with anyone else in the GLBT community we are all very different in how we live day to day. Sadly it is also about survival and reputation. It doesn’t make me feel good, but it is what it is.  Consequently, the LGBT community does not care for me or for that matter, any of the other Gay men. I gather that they feel since we do not socialize with them, that we somehow think we are better than them. Perhaps they presume we do not care about them. Simply put, the fact is that we have chosen different paths in how we serve our prison time.

Truthfully, after further analysis, the larger LGBT community may well be stronger than the Gay Men simply because they stand tall exactly as they are. Gay Men, are more accepted by everyone, but perhaps on different terms.

There will never be any way to fix this. It will go on forever – just as it does outside these walls. It is our own fault and we have no one to blame but ourselves. The only thing we have in common is the fact that we continue to be misunderstood. 

Related Posts:

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2014/01/being-gay-in-prison-is-it-as.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/09/last-week-homosexual-was-brought-to-yard.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/10/traitor-homosexuals-in-prison-for.html

‘A Current Prison Assessment’

Friday, January 30, 2015

Many have inquired as to why I have not written much about the particular prison unit that I am now on. Perhaps they were expecting daily journal entries of all the goings on here… I suspect that they are genuinely curious. Whatever the case may be, I have had many reasons – and I doubt that you can believe that the biggest one is that this is the best prison yard I have ever been on.

As you absorb that one statement, remember that I had become completely institutionalized within the more hardened ‘gladiator school’ type of prison. I am now immune to rampant drug use, racism, religious prejudice, violence, murder and a string of many other horrible things. Coming to a minimum yard was nerve wracking because I perceived that there would be a greater lack of respect, lack of discipline, structure etc. I was not exactly sure how I would react and adjust to all of that. I believed, (at least I convinced myself) that being on a higher yard, with more structure, would be best for me. This was not necessarily because I needed the structure, but rather, because most other inmates do - and that made my life easier.

I have struggled internally about how I truly feel living here at North Unit, Florence Arizona. My honest assessment is that I like it here… for as much as a person can ‘like’ a prison.

The inmate population here is defined by 3 primary groups:

1.   Chronic Care

These men suffer from Alzheimer’s, kidney failure (Dialysis), liver disease and a multitude of other medical issues. The medical relationship to this yard is intense and the administration is very proactive at working toward providing the most comfortable living environment for inmates in a seriously ill state of life

2.   "Downhillers"

(My group of inmates) These men have been in prison for a long time (years and years…) They are on the downhill slope of their sentence and doing all they can to remain busy and productive. Everything we do in our basic day to day activities has some type of correlation to the release date and – the real world.

3.   Knuckleheads

These are the idiots who are repeat offenders of nuisance charges and cannot seem to get their lives together. Unfortunately they believe that this is as bad as it gets and it actually – it is the best. It is very sad and unfortunate.

The staff here, are all pretty great. Perhaps it’s just me and the fact that I know how to act like an adult and know how to communicate. But I have yet to have any incident or disagreement with any of the staff. At the end of the day, I have nothing but good, productive experiences with them. I don’t know why but there doesn’t seem to be a chip on their shoulders and they know how to deal with situations accordingly.

The officer I work for has been completely vested in the department since 1986 and is strict, meticulous, and hard working. Thankfully, my ethnicity and sexual orientation are inconsequential to her. She is fair and very understanding. Running mail and property for 1,100 inmates is beyond challenging but somehow, it gets done professionally and without issue. For me, it is a positive experience as it closely depicts a real life job experience. That is something that I genuinely appreciate and am thankful for because it continues to keep focused on my end game.

The Yard

This facility is very large and is actually divided into 3 individual smaller yards. When an inmate arrives, they begin on Yard 3 until they find a job. This is a working yard so almost everyone has some form of employment. Depending on the job you receive or interview for, dictates whether you will be moved to Yard 1 or Yard 2. Each of the yards has working kitchens and incredibly organized daily operations because of the amount of inmate movement here. It is truly like a little city.

Personally the yard operations are well suited for me. My schedule at work gives me a good amount of off time to manage my affairs and partake in visitations on the weekends. It is consistent and it works for me.

Hopefully this gives you a better, clearer understanding of why I haven’t downloaded much about my current prison unit. There is nothing bad or scandalous to report. My life here is as good as it can be for someone who is in prison. Obviously a lot of that is simply mindset and determination but it is a cohesive situation right now. It’s easier for me to be positive ad productive on a unit like this one.

Today, as I look ahead, I have only one more goal to accomplish before I am released. Mom will be 100% relocated to Boston this year and when that happens, I am going to try my best to become certified as a fireman and work with the wilderness Fire Crew. It is an amazing opportunity offered here and I think I would be really successful at it. The current team members and crew supervisor are great and I have a good rapport with everyone involved. That said, I think it would be my last and final goal in prison.

‘New Beginnings’

Thursday, July 11, 2014

I have hit an inner prison milestone. I am officially eligible for placement in a minimum security prison unit. This is actually a pretty big deal in the cosmic scene of things. I never would have thought that I would go to a minimum yard because I began this odyssey in a Super Maximum prison known as SMU (Special Management Unit) Inmates that begin there, rarely, if ever, make it to a medium security facility, let alone a minimum.

Prison security levels are somewhat complex – so I will try to break them down for you. Hopefully you will have a better understanding of how inmates are housed in a correctional system.

1.   SUPER MAXIMUM UNIT

Inmates live alone in a 6x10’ cell for a minimum of 2 years upon entering prison. It’s underground so there is no daylight, no recreation, no contact with other human beings and the lights stay on 24/7. Inmates are permitted to have a television, hygiene products and stationary only. Inmates are allowed (1) 5 minute long phone call per week and (1) 2 hour visit behind glass on weekends however the inmate is chained to the phone receiver and the table behind the glass. Meals consist of a sack breakfast/lunch and a hot dinner.

This population consists of: murders, rapists, lifers, death row and inmates deemed as ‘STG’ (Security Threat Group)

I served 2 years and 19 days in SMU

2.   MAXIMUM SECURITY FACILITY

Inmates are in a cell with another inmate of the same race or gang affiliation (when necessary) They are allowed 3 hours of recreation every other day along with a shower. If behavior warrants, the inmate can have a job and receive contact visits on the weekends. Inmates can purchase food at the commissary and receive packages from family and friends monthly.

This population consists of: Inmates who have already served 2 years in Super Maximum, and those who have committed armed robbery, kidnapping, aggravated assault and manslaughter.

I served 3 years, 4 months and 21 days in Maximum Security (The “Walls”)

3.   MEDIUM SECURITY FACILITY

Inmates live in large, open dormitories or Quonset huts. They are assigned a 6’x8’ cubicle space which has a bed, a locker and a desk. Inmates can shower, go outside and use the phone whenever they want between 0500 and 2000 hours, Inmates can shop at the commissary weekly and are allowed better paying jobs with greater responsibility.

This population consists of: Inmates who have already served in Maximum Security or for those who have committed hit & run, burglary, simple assault, weapon or drug violations.

I served 7 years and 2 days at the following Medium Security facilties: Barchey, Santa Rita, East Unit, Stiner, and now, Cheyenne at Yuma

4.   MINIMUM SECURITY FACILITY

Everything is the same as a Medium Security facility with the addition of minimum wage paying jobs off site the prison complex, more freedom of movement and less prison politics

This population consists of: light drug charges (marijuana, prescriptions and paraphernalia), forgery, DUI, & resisting arrest.

The demeanor of Minimum Security is said to be unlike anything else I have experienced and it is something I will have to adapt to.

The other night I was speaking with Joey and sensing my nervousness over this change, he turned the situation around for me. He was able to get me to view this Minimum Security yard as a good thing. It is simply another step toward letting go of so many of the traits that I have adopted in here that I will absolutely not need outside of prison. As I have said before, “change” is a good thing and I will embrace it because I have earned this privilege. I doesn’t mean that I have any less anxiety about it.

Minimum….Here I come….