Sunday, November 29, 2015
I received a random, anonymous inquiry
recently asking me what it was that made me different from every other criminal
that is in prison. The writer went on to say that I took people’s lives and that I deserved
to be here. They added that I was using my looks and my education to
overshadow the fact that I was a murderer.
Take a moment and imagine me sitting
in my 6’x8’ cubicle after a long day of work and opening that piece of
correspondence. I was visibly shaken and immediately crumbled up the letter and
dropped it into my trash bin. I took a long shower and cried my eyes out, not
because this person is right, but rather – because I needed to be reminded of
my actions. I do this on my own, every single day. I will always have shame in
my heart for the fact that my decisions and actions resulted in, and
contributed to people dying. I have never made excuses for that.
Once I got myself together and had a
moment to really think about what this person had said, I realized that there
is indeed a lot that makes me very different from other criminals in this
prison. Unless someone actually lives and breathes in this place, and
associates with the men who call this place “home”, it would be difficult for them
to really understand. There are many things that set me, and a few others –
apart.
1. Outside love and support
Very few
prisoners have the love and support of family and friends. It is an amazing
thing to know that there are people who care for and love you. It gives me at
least, a bigger reason to get up and be better and to love and care for others
in return. The visits, the phone calls and the endless letters; all of these
things remind me that I am a human being and I am not just another inmate in
orange.
2. “Murderer”
Contrary to what
the author of this anonymous letter asserts, I do not and cannot classify
myself as a murderer. There is no argument that my actions had a correlating
effect on the fact that that 3 innocent people lost their lives. I own, and take
responsibility for that.
The difference,
the distinguishing factor is that I did not go out that evening with intent or
malice. As tragic as the event was, it was truly an accident. I think that fact
alone, sets me apart from someone who willfully puts a gun to another person’s
head and pulls the trigger or intentionally runs someone over with malice in
their heart.
3. Career Criminal
I am not a career
criminal like so many men in this place. I do not spend my days mapping out or
planning ways to commit the same crimes – but in a much better way. Many men in
prison sincerely believe that they only have to steal or cheat in order take
fast money.
4. Corrupted Mind
Rather than
adopting a criminal way of thinking, I have learned how to stay ahead of it and
– understand it. It is bizarre to realize that I am surrounded by men who are
inclined to believe that because they see and want something, they are entitled
to simply ‘take’ it. They will lie, cheat and manipulate others to get what they want –
and at the same time, convince themselves that it is "okay" in order to validate
their actions. It is really quite pathological when you sit back and watch it
all unfold.
5. Looks Aren’t Everything
The way that I
look is completely out of my control. I can however lead a healthy lifestyle despite the environment in here. Because of this, I appear healthy. The
majority of men in prison are ravaged by drug use, homelessness, laziness and a few
other not so pretty things. I have been lucky enough to be able to take care of
myself and for me, physical fitness has always been a big part of me life, even
before coming to prison.
I have never
believed that I am better looking than anyone else. I am really not that
superficial. In general, I am accustomed to being scrutinized on my appearance –
so why would I do that same thing to someone else?
6. The intelligent factor
My education was
a very good one, thanks to my mom. I had very little influence on where to go,
or what to do with regard to my education and I am so glad for that now. Yes – I am
educated, cultured and pretty worldly. It’s a part of who I am and cannot change
that.
This entry is not
intended to change people’s minds about me, but rather, to enlighten some
readers on the fact that there are distinctive differences between me and the
typical inmate. I do understand why it is that I am in prison. My goal is
simply to help others understand that sometimes, extraordinary and horrible accidents
can happen to individuals who are not intentional criminals. If I have managed to empower just one person with
this new understanding, then I have succeeded in writing this for everyone to
read.
