‘What Makes Me Different?’

Sunday, November 29, 2015

I received a random, anonymous inquiry recently asking me what it was that made me different from every other criminal that is in prison. The writer went on to say that I took people’s lives and that I deserved to be here. They added that I was using my looks and my education to overshadow the fact that I was a murderer.

Take a moment and imagine me sitting in my 6’x8’ cubicle after a long day of work and opening that piece of correspondence. I was visibly shaken and immediately crumbled up the letter and dropped it into my trash bin. I took a long shower and cried my eyes out, not because this person is right, but rather – because I needed to be reminded of my actions. I do this on my own, every single day. I will always have shame in my heart for the fact that my decisions and actions resulted in, and contributed to people dying. I have never made excuses for that.

Once I got myself together and had a moment to really think about what this person had said, I realized that there is indeed a lot that makes me very different from other criminals in this prison. Unless someone actually lives and breathes in this place, and associates with the men who call this place “home”, it would be difficult for them to really understand. There are many things that set me, and a few others – apart.

1.   Outside love and support

Very few prisoners have the love and support of family and friends. It is an amazing thing to know that there are people who care for and love you. It gives me at least, a bigger reason to get up and be better and to love and care for others in return. The visits, the phone calls and the endless letters; all of these things remind me that I am a human being and I am not just another inmate in orange.

2.   “Murderer”

Contrary to what the author of this anonymous letter asserts, I do not and cannot classify myself as a murderer. There is no argument that my actions had a correlating effect on the fact that that 3 innocent people lost their lives. I own, and take responsibility for that.

The difference, the distinguishing factor is that I did not go out that evening with intent or malice. As tragic as the event was, it was truly an accident. I think that fact alone, sets me apart from someone who willfully puts a gun to another person’s head and pulls the trigger or intentionally runs someone over with malice in their heart.

3.   Career Criminal

I am not a career criminal like so many men in this place. I do not spend my days mapping out or planning ways to commit the same crimes – but in a much better way. Many men in prison sincerely believe that they only have to steal or cheat in order take fast money.

4.   Corrupted Mind

Rather than adopting a criminal way of thinking, I have learned how to stay ahead of it and – understand it. It is bizarre to realize that I am surrounded by men who are inclined to believe that because they see and want something, they are entitled to simply ‘take’ it. They will lie, cheat and manipulate others to get what they want – and at the same time, convince themselves that it is "okay" in order to validate their actions. It is really quite pathological when you sit back and watch it all unfold.

5.   Looks Aren’t Everything

The way that I look is completely out of my control. I can however lead a healthy lifestyle despite the environment in here. Because of this, I appear healthy. The majority of men in prison are ravaged by drug use, homelessness, laziness and a few other not so pretty things. I have been lucky enough to be able to take care of myself and for me, physical fitness has always been a big part of me life, even before coming to prison.

I have never believed that I am better looking than anyone else. I am really not that superficial. In general, I am accustomed to being scrutinized on my appearance – so why would I do that same thing to someone else?

6.   The intelligent factor

My education was a very good one, thanks to my mom. I had very little influence on where to go, or what to do with regard to my education and I am so glad for that now. Yes – I am educated, cultured and pretty worldly. It’s a part of who I am and cannot change that.

This entry is not intended to change people’s minds about me, but rather, to enlighten some readers on the fact that there are distinctive differences between me and the typical inmate. I do understand why it is that I am in prison. My goal is simply to help others understand that sometimes, extraordinary and horrible accidents can happen to individuals who are not intentional criminals.  If I have managed to empower just one person with this new understanding, then I have succeeded in writing this for everyone to read.

Keeping the displaced aggression in check; "When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. "

Monday, January 28, 2013

Toward the end of last week, it became clear to me that I was losing my composure. I mean, I do my best to everyday with a smile on my face, I find myself repeating a line that Anne Bancroft (one of my favorite actresses) used to say; “I never did mind about the little things…”  Problem is, without realizing it, all those little things have built up – hidden inside of me somewhere. When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. In my case, I cannot tell you what my recent trigger was. It happened so fast.

There was nothing physical or violent; simply mental and in turn, emotional. Once I was doen with my verbal tirade, I simply shut down. That in mind, I have been incredibly antisocial since Thursday. Mom and Kevin were here yesterday and they could tell I was not in the best space mentally. Ironically, Mom had already spoken to my friend Joe and was aware that I was not doing well. Rather than asking what was going on, she simply said that she and Joe wanted me to try and stay positive and to manage my temper.

There is no doubt – that was the icing on the cake.

Here’s the deal. I know that my friends and family love me and always want the best for me. Sometimes I think I have over-shared about this experience with them. In this circumstance, I most definitely had.

Up until yesterday, we had been on a complete lockdown for 10 days. Since the 1^st of the year, we have had deaths, serious assaults, overdoses etc. It is expected that all of these things will happen in prison, but lately, it has been happening at an overwhelming rate. I have no problem being locked down when I am alone. But when I am surrounded by 36 idiots who are running around high and acting stupid, and who also have incredibly bad hygiene….  Well, it’s not exactly pleasant. Halfway through our lockdown, all of our toilets broke down. On top of that, our ventilation system failed so we had no air circulation (in fact, we still don’t…) Needless to say, the aroma in my run is an assault to the senses.

Strangely, I found myself apologizing to myself before my meltdown, but I had to let it all out. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Do I wish my friends and family understood more? You betcha. But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. It’s something that I have to deal with. After all, it’s my fault that I am here in the first place.

 

I think it's time for a change; "I realized that I am so over "it". "

Monday, January 14, 2013

So, I went into work today and found myself simply going through the motions. Since I practically took the entire previous week off, I had a lot to catch up on but instead, I found myself sitting there in disgust. It was like a light switch was flipped; I realized that I am so over "it". I am so tired of hearing people complain about the most juvenile shit. These grown-ass men here absolutely refuse to take any form of responsibility for anything!

As I was processing this thought, my mind segued to the people themselves.

As I scanned the room, I took in the sight of all these transient looking men; no teeth, scraggly hair, old faded tattoos, bodies of ill proportion… I wondered how this happened and why? I have to admit we have some horribly unattractive men here, many with unbelievably poor hygiene habits. Most of the somewhat “normal” guys have taken to assigning names or terms for their habits:

·       The “Fireman”; An inmate who sleeps fully dressed, gets out of bed and immediately runs to the chow hall for every meal without washing his face or brushing his teeth.

·       The “Caveman”; An inmate who doesn’t shower at all – for any reason. It’s if they have an allergy to water.

·       The “No follow through guy”; An inmate who will work out, play basketball and then afterward, take a shower only to put the same funky underwear back on.

·       The “Water Shitter”; An inmate who lifts the toilet seat and then sits inside the toilet, way down to take his bowle movement.

·       “Saskwatch Feet”; An inmate who showers barefoot without shower shoes

·       The “Tooth Obsessed”; An inmate who, due to crystal meth, has now only one tooth in his entire mouth and proceed to brush and care for it like it is a fricken diamond.

·       The “No Wiper”; An inmate how has a bowel movement and never wipes. He simply gets up and goes about his business.

·       The “Naked Shitter”; An inmate that must be completely nakes to have a bowel movement.

Now, hopefully you can understand why I have become a bit jaded when it comes to certain individuals that I live around!

Being sick in prison is probably one of the worst things you can ever experience.

Monday, January 14, 2013

It should be apparent that I have taken some days off from blogging. Last Tuesday afternoon I was feeling weak and not my best as I laid down to sleep. When I awoke Wednesday morning, I could not move. It was as if I had been hit by a Mack truck. I could not breathe through my sinuses and my head was pounding and spinning at the same time.

John called in sick to work for me and went and bought me the essentials; cough drops, vapor rub, cough syrup, ibuprophen, and Alka Seltzer cold & flu. I remember taking a dose of everything and then putting on layers of clothing, including my beanie and jacket before getting back under the covers. I passed out and woke again around 10:00 PM in wet clothes. I stripped and showered while John simultaneously did a load of laundry. I ate chicken ramen noodles which I immediately threw up. I dressed and then got back into bed.

The truly unfortunate part of being sick in prison is that the greater majority of inmates do not have money to pay anything in here let alone cold/flu remedies, which are outrageously priced at the prison store. The number of people who have asked for my financial help to get some medicine is insane. Though it is difficult, I have to say ‘no’ to everyone. There is just no way that I could do that without the word spreading; “David bought me cough syrup…:  Before long, everyone would think that I would also get them their medicine.

That's what friends are for; "I held his hand because in truth, he is a big BABY."

Friday, December 21, 2012

So, I am at work and have to take some papers over to the administration building. John decides that he going to come with me. As we walk out to the back of the building though, he tries to pull the gate rather than push it and it railed him in the head. Now as hilarious as it was to watch, it also looked pretty brutal. He attempted to tough it out and walk it off, but soon I saw the trail of blood. I told him to tilt his head up and quicken his pace. We were only 30 feet from our destination.

As we entered administration, we encountered the investigative sergeant, a couple of investigative officers and the disciplinary sergeant. They all looked at me, and then at John and then back at me. Thankfully they all know me well and instead of immediately locking down the yard and handcuffing us (standard protocol), they laughed and asked John what he did to piss me off.

The movement officer called medical and advised them that we would be walking over so John could be seen.

John got 3 stitches and a tetanus shot. I held his hand because in truth, he is a big BABY. I was actually pretty funny. As we left medical and walked back to the office, I told John that he had better prepare for a lot of jokes. I love it when I’m right. All day long he has been getting razzed by everyone.

Besides the incident with John, it’s been an okay day. When we came back to the dorm, I worked out and took a shower. I cleaned and changed John’s bandage and made us some chicken and rice for dinner. I was spent and needed to sleep.

Prison Contract Problems; "There is always something terrifying here."

Friday, October 19, 2012

Last night, on the local news, there was coverage regarding our prison again. The Dept. of Corrections is under fire for allowing a contract with the Motor Vehicle Division. They literally have inmates answering the phones and helping outside civilians with their needs. Mind you, the person calling in, has no idea that they are speaking with an inmate. Apparently, the public is not thrilled by these findings and candidly, I wouldn’t be either. The whole thing is weird. What really gets me is that I know how many people out there need jobs and here are a couple of hundred positions that could go to people on the outside, who simply need to provide for themselves. Instead, The Motor Vehicle Division wants to save money and set up call centers inside prisons and employ convicts. The whole situation upsets me and yet I have to put that face on and act as if this is a great opportunity etc.. Eventually, something will happen and the Arizona Department of Corrections (ADC)will be under fire again.

In just the last year, the ADC has had lawsuits against them for an array of inmate deaths, severe assaults, and most recently, because an RN used the same needle to inject over 100 inmates with insulin. There is always something terrifying here. Oddly, I have come to expect it but it really is terrible.  Because I am aware of the bigger picture, I have also grown capable of playing Devil’s advocate. Funding is terrible and so the ADC is not able to fully staff the prisons as they should be. They do the best that they can, but it is just not possible to meet the demand with their limited resources. The new privatized medical contract with Wexford was directly responsible for the insulin incident and now ADC is investigating it. Last, but not least, if the inmates want to do something, they will find a way to do it. It remains a continuous battle. It does make one wonder though; why is the Arizona Department of Corrections always in the news?

Personally, the only issues I see go hand in hand with the county attorney’s office and the legislative guidelines. Arizona has some of the highest sentencing guidelines in the country. They also require inmates to serve 85% of their sentence, despite the fact that the correctional facilities are overcrowded, and there is no money to build new prisons. Ironically, they have established multi-million dollar contracts to house Arizona inmates in private prisons instead. None of it makes any sense. It’s taken years for me to fully see how convoluted the DOC is.  It’s taken even longer for me to accept that no one cares to fix it.