‘Black, Brown & White – What does it meant to be a color?”

Saturday, June 14, 2014

A new arrival came into the yard yesterday evening and I happened to be standing outside when people were making their introductions. I overheard the “What are you?” question that is so prevalent in prison and I immediately recalled the first time that question was directed toward me.

It wasn’t long before I stepped into prison when someone asked me “what I was?” I responded that I was a human being. I was seen as being a smart ass and a fight immediately ensued.  The answer that I was supposed to have given was ‘Black; but I didn’t know any better. I never identified myself as Black, Latino or Caucasion because I am a blend of all these things. I am a “mutt”. My mom prefers the title “Swirly” and I am okay with that term as well.

Prison is structured around color and so, we must identify as one, and then segregate ourselves from the others. Maturity has allowed me to analyze the race aspect here more deeply. If I say that I am a Black man, what does that mean? In here, it means that I am current on Rap and Hip Hop music, I have a lot of swagger, I am pro-Black as far as economics and feel spurbed because of slavery. These are only some of the automatic stereotypes that come along with being Black in prison.

Similarly, the Brown “Mexican” population experiences the same stereotype issues. They are expected to be current on Latin and Raqueton music, have Hispanic swagger, be pro-Brown and be anti any law prohibiting immigration. Lastly, they should have a healthy understanding of both the Aztec and Mesa cultures.

The white population is the most confined of the three dominant groups. Whites are to be pro-white with all things and be blatantly against anything to do with the Black or Brown cultures. Rap, Latin and Hip Hop music is strictly prohibited. They typically have no swagger and are not allowed to have fade or taper hairstyles.

Th “Ah ha!” moment for me was simple. I am living in an era that correlates back to the 1920’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. In prison, cultural evolution never really progressed and I have come to accept it. Then again – who am I?

I am swirly.

I cannot wait until the day that I no longer have to refer to myself as a color.

‘Politeness is a poor man’s virtue’

Thursday, June 12, 2014

This is a debatable statement but could be one of the most authentic things I have heard in a very long time. How many times have we heard: ‘money=power’? I know I hear it more than ‘knowledge=power’. Is there a disconcerting belief that the wealthy are afforded the right to be rude, arrogant, self righteous, and demanding. If so, then why is that?

Suppose a man next to me has an endless amount of disposable income. I am recently released from prison and living hand to mouth. Is he better than I am? Can he treat people worse than I can and get away with it? It’s wrong. Financial status should not automatically allow people to behave in a certain way. In today’s society however, it has become clear that it is the way of the world.

You may wonder why this topic? 

Well I overheard inmates discussing me and my family from the previous day's visit. Their dialogue was essentially a a comparison over the rumors they have heard about me; that my Mom and Kevin have these types of cars,… they live in huge houses (and they even own more than one),… they travel to Boston and Chicago every other weekend… and I am the only child. 

Their statements were so grandiose, so exaggerated. I wanted to turn the corner and clear up true facts from fiction but, I did not. Then, one of the inmates made a final statement: “No wonder he is such an asshole. He’s rich and rich people can do whatever they want to!” I was speechless and could do nothing but walk away.

My mother enables our family to live a comfortable life but, we do not do what we want, whenever we want. Especially not me, for that matter. I admit that I can be an asshole but, that is because of reasons that have nothing to do with wealth. The reality is that I have nothing. The perception however is quite the opposite. I get that because in here, perception = fact.

Politeness is something I cannot afford here. I decided to let them think what they want because in the end, it will not effect me either way. The fact that I am correcting them, or putting them in their place could be considered an act of politeness, right?

“People whose lives are not balanced with a healthy love of money suffer from an appalling obsession with personal integrity.”

Thursday, June 12, 2014

At first read, I found the above quote quite insulting. For whatever reason, it stuck in my head and I kept returning to it over and over. I probably read it a dozen times. The more I relaxed and absorbed the words, how they were written and what they meant when put together, the more I actually became fond of it. Still, it did not negate the fact that there was a remaining curiosity about it.

The initial insult I believe was derived from the fact that I have been entrenched with things of a monetary nature recently. I wondered if I would be in the former or the latter of that quote. After a short deliberation, it became clear that I am in the former of the two. I do have a love of money, but it is impossible for me to say whether it is healthy or unhealthy. 

While going through this particular exercise, I realized that many of my friends are undoubtedly in the latter category. The word ‘obsession’ though, makes me uneasy simply because I automatically attribute it as a negative. I am well aware of the fact that my friends are very passionate when it comes to the importance of being a good person and maintaining a certain level of integrity. I understand it and admire it. Sadly, their passion for being ‘good’, makes me feels as though I am ‘un-good’ in some way that I am unaware of.

Do I lack personal integrity? I have integrity….how much is impossible to say because of the environment that I am currently in. Balance is something that I struggle with. I struggle with it daily, but I will certainly be more conscientious of the relationship between these two particular concepts.

It is pretty thought provoking nonetheless. 

‘My Wall’

Friday, June 6, 2014

“One gets so used to one’s own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people.”

There is a darkness lurking inside of me. I have been trying to change/modify my behavior and reactions to things. The purpose was to somehow lighten the rough exterior shell that I have created in preparation for re-entering society. In doing so though, I have come to question everything I have come to know and do in this place. The task, if you will, has become very dangerous to my mental state.

Through the years, I have studied these men, these inmates that I live with, as a means to my own survival. I have learned their behaviors, their patterns of thought and most importantly, what they are capable of. We get along and while they believe within their soul that I am their ‘friend’, I am not. In that regard, I am literally the biggest fraud of all. My entire being is a facade that I have created in order to be strong, to be feared and ultimately, respected.

Inside, I judge them constantly and psychoanalyze them. Is it fair? Some would think not but it is uncontrollable. I am all at once repulsed and horrified by the people I live around. They are selfish and cunning but not in a way that you’d think was intelligent per se. I dare say that the majority of the population has an average IQ if 80. Their characters, (possibly mine as well), are unsettling to people outside of this environment. These qualities that seem so strange, so abnormal, have in effect, become my ‘normal’.

I am told that there are just as many uneducated, odd and questionable characters outside of prison as well. I believe this. The difference however is that outside, I have the luxury of choosing not to associate with certain people. That luxury is something that I do not have in here and believe you me, it is a luxury.

I have been experiencing more challenges as my sentence progresses. My tolerance is now nonexistent. The idea that I get along with people that I have nothing in common with is mind blowing to me. Time has taught me that we all have flaws, some worse than others. People in prison however, are all about themselves and their actions are usually fueled by ulterior motives. Maintaining constant awareness is a daily activity.

I know that as you read this, you might think, “There must be some good people in prison.” There are but, they are few and far in between. Even good people do bad things – right? Being a fundamentally good person in here – is meaningless. For example: inmates who are devoutly religious in prison are not exempt. Do not let their exterior facade fool you. In my experience, they are lost individuals, in a constant struggle to gain insight and security within themselves – all the while ignoring their demons.

The people I cherish most in this world have been encouraging me to let my walls down…to begin the process of cutting loose the rough exterior I have developed. A lot of my learned behaviors clearly need to be shed before re-entering society. In doing so, I have been realizing how convoluted and disturbing life really is for us. I am bothered by the fact that I have become so overly familiar with people who have committed such heinous acts. These are people I would typically evade on the streets.

Imagine for a moment, that you have created a wall of steel around yourself. That wall, is your dearest friend. It protects you, hides you, enable you to be strong and most importantly, you trust it. Remember the wall represents a distorted image of you to the outside, preventing those who would normally try to harm you from doing so. Unfortunately, the wall works both ways. It also forces you to see others in a simpler and at times, passive way.

So I let my wall fall and it was actually much easier than I thought. A wave of reality, harsh and cold, hit me like a ton of bricks and mortar. It was, I dare say, too much – too soon. I felt immediately vulnerable and weak. I began to question and doubt every person I came in contact with – even those whom I consider as friends. It was as if I had fresh, virgin eyes that I had when I first came to prison but with all of the knowledge and insight I have learned over the years. This new reality will unfortunately not work for me in here. I have to rebuild my walls again.

The wall must go back up because in here, it is all that I have.