‘Arizona is Bad’

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

People always aske me why I feel so negatively about Arizona. It’s a challenging task for me to explain why that is though when it is impossible that they could relate. My issues with Arizona are personal and based on my own experiences. There are many people who love this state. I know that it has its perks for some, but I admit candidly that I could care less if it fell off the map.

In my own opinion, Arizona is culturally stagnant in almost every way. The majority of the population is Caucasian, followed by Mexican Americans. There is a small percentage of Native Americans, Afro Americans, and then Mexican Nationals (illegal immigrants). Unfortunately, The ethnic breakdown also reflects the financial/economic and political structuring. When it comes to politics, AZ is as RED as you can get. I believe that politics and religion should remain as private matters so I will not get into what I think about those who currently make up the Arizona legislature.

Consider for a moment, the following:

-      If you aren’t Caucasian in Arizona, you are almost assuredly subject to being pulled over in your car, questioned and required to prove citizenship

-      The penal system is a actually a privatized big business in Arizona

-      The state is so bankrupt that the legislature sold the State Capital and is leasing it back from the new owner

-      The legislature attempted to pass a bill allowing businesses to refuse service to people based upon ethnicity, sexual orientation and religion

I lived in the beautiful area of North Scottsdale. The streets, homes, golf courses, retail and resorts are all amazing. Everything in that part of Arizona is supremely manicured and maintained daily. The roads are filled with Range Rovers, Ferraris, Aston Martins and Bentleys. In the off chance that you do encounter a person of color, they are likely rappers, musicians, professional athletes or married to one.

The people will smile and be welcoming but its not at all genuine. Rather, they are sizing you up in every possible material way. Is your bag real or fake? Your sunglasses, shoes, hair style and clothing are all carefully scrutinized.

There is a surprising amount of racism here. I lost count of how many times I was pulled over by Scottsdale PD. I was pulled over because of the simple fact of my skin color and that I drove an expensive vehicle. Their questions were always the same:

-      “Where are you coming from and where are you going?”

-      “You look lost. Can I help you find your way out of Scottsdale?”

-      “This sure is a nice car… Is it yours?”

-      “Your address on your driver’s license is up in North Scottsdale. Is that where you really live?”

The questions would go on and on to the point where it was clearly harassment. I finally began calling my mom at the hospital and putting her on the phone with the officer who had pulled me over. Once the connection was made that they knew my mom from seeing her at the Emergency Room, they would let me go. It was racial profiling at its finest.

As the years went by,. I became well known in the area and was less scrutinized. The problem was, that I began to be defined in the following ways:

-      “That’s the guy who lives with the hot red head, I think he’s Latin or Black…” (The red head is my mom.)

-      “He’s the guy that drives the Jaguar and that lifted Jeep.” (we are all defined by our cars.)

-      “He’s the gay guy with that tall white boyfriend.” (Not only were we the token gay couple, but a mixed race one at that…)

-      “He’s the guy always out running that big scary Doberman. His boyfriend is the really handsome white guy that has the sweet Labrador.”

These things were demeaning, superficial and elementary. They never changed and in time, I simply began to accept it. Clearly, I was the odd man out.

It doesn’t matter how long I sit and think about all of the things that I have mentioned in this entry. For me, whether it is the person that I was then, or the man I have grown to be, the net conclusion is the same;

I DO NOT BELONG IN ARIZIONA.

Courtesy of MAD Magazine

Fear and loathing in Scottsdale, Arizona

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Funny, my greatest fear in life has nothing to do with being in prison. One would think I should be most afraid of waking up every day in this place and enduring everything that goes on in here.

The fact of the matter, is that my greatest fear is that for whatever reason, my mother does not take it upon herself to relocate somewhere else that might make her happier. She too, does not like Arizona, but remains here because of me. Perhaps because of that, she has become somewhat complacent in her life. And I worry. As she ages, the inevitability of health problems becomes greater. Should something happen to her within the next 5 years, then I would of course be required to return to my old home here in Arizona upon my release. Scottsdale represents a sad, negative and tragic past for me. The possibility of having to begin my life there, with all those dark memories, rocks me to my core. There would be no other option though.

It is something I would have to do.

Time to get my mental shit together...

Friday, November 23, 2012

What now?

I guess it’s back to business as usual. This morning I will write some letters and do some laundry. I will work out in the afternoon and then make some phone calls. I feel good though and the fact that I have 3 days off, is so nice. I have to take advantage of them though. There is a lot on my mind and it’s the perfect time to put everything in check. My mental list of thoughts is as follows:

1. The Boston Transfer. I have not really gone into this much, but I have put in for a request to transfer to a facility in Massachusetts over 2 years ago and have been patiently waiting. We have been given the run around a couple of times now, but what it all boils down to is; I have to wait for an inmate in Massachusetts DOC to request a transfer to Arizona. If that happens, I can go – providing I pay out $6,000. in fees.  We will do that, but every day, I lose more and more hope. I really would love to be able to put Arizona behind me despite the fear of having to essentially ‘start over’ in a whole new prison system.

2. Job Change. My job is great. I mean yeah, I work crazy long hours and have to deal with a lot of drama, but it does give me that feeling as though I am a regular person outside of these walls, who has a purpose and that is needed at their job.

Right before we went on this vacation though, my boss informed me that he made his promotion and is on a list to be assigned to a different prison unit. If that happens, then I will have to look for another position. I am not too keen on the person who would likely take his place.
My options would be to:

·       Not work and instead, really focus on the blog, my workouts, letters etc.

·       Work for Swift Trucking company as some sort of office clerk

·       Apply to work for the Deputy Warden in administration

·       Speak to our Deputy Warden and ask where she would like me to work

Most likely, my boss will not leave until January, so I have some time make a decision.

3. Mom. I have been really trying to pay attention to developing a better understanding of who my mother is now. While doing that, I have also been weighing in on things that she may need from me upon my release vs what I know she will want. There is a huge difference between the two so it has to be well thought out.

For example:

·       Mom’s plan in her head; She would relocate from Arizona to Boston, or possibly, to South Beach, Miami. I promptly move in with her and begin living my life. Mom and I have a truly unique relationship and I love her dearly, but I do not want to be that 37 year old man living at home with his mother and looking at a dead end. The thing is that I know she wants to be near me wherever I am. When I sit and tell her my plan though, there are times that I don’t think she hears me. I know that I will be there for her, but finding a balance, or a situation that would work, is challenging.

·       My plan in my head: I am released and move into Joe’s house. Mom would live nearby. At Joe’s, I would feel less parental pressure and would feel some semblance of true independence. I could essentially hit the ground running, but still have the support and advice of a good friend at the same time. There would not be that maternal factor in that equation. I would still be able to see my mom all the time and be there for her just the same.

I don’t know, somewhere between these two plans, we will have to meet in the middle.
As you can see, I definitely have some things to think about.

A change in direction; "I try not to give much thought to my release."

Friday, December 7, 2012

So I am 5 ½ years away from my release. Joe and my mom have, more or less, been on my ass to start making plans now. This is easier said than done because I try not to give much thought to my release. I know that may sound completely insane, but it is true. Always thinking about my release is disastrous to my psyche. I have to focus on the here and now, the present, if you will. Thinking about my release will drive me crazy and make my days very difficult.

I know that I cannot just walk out the gates without a plan and that I do have to have some sort of basic strategy for what I will do. It’s complicated though.

Here is where I am at so far:

Option #1 I am released and go back to the house in Scottsdale where I was living before. I will move back into my old room, live with my mom and my life will resume. She was supposed to sell that house, but I suspect that will not happen. She is more or less, afraid of change and refuses to leave Arizona until I am released.

Option #2 I am released and go back to San Francisco. I live in another house that I grew up in, with my aunt Jan. This situation is definitely a much better option than the 1^st. I will be back in the city I love the most. That city holds all my most wonderful memories. It is the city that made me. The downside is that it will take me even longer to move out of her house, and into my own place independently as San Francisco has a very high cost of living. I believe I could do it though.

Option #3 I am released and head to Boston. I either stay with Joe temporarily of go to a halfway house. The initial idea of living with Joe was great, but it would be very challenging. We are a seriously odd couple. I also love him too much to put such a wrench in his lifestyle. I would very quickly become a burden to him. I know how he is when even people he loves are houseguests for a few days. It’s hilarious, but I do take heed to it.

The idea of moving into a halfway house is something that I thought I would never do, but now, seems actually somewhat appealing. I’d be on my own and have nothing to do but focus on, besides getting back up on my own feet.

Now, let’s not forget that I have an overall desire to live in New England for my permanent address. That doesn’t mean that it has to happen, but I would like it to. I am also on a transfer list to finish my time in Massachusetts. I have been on that waiting list for 3 years now and with any luck, I will get transferred with only a year or two remaining on my sentence. Should that be the case, I will be in Boston anyways.

I still have time to decide on these options, but it is a very important decision for me. I have to decide where I am going to, and then, what I am going to do.

I have a lot on my mind.