‘Personal Viewpoints’

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Over the years, I have been secretly trying to find the best possible “me” that I could find. For some of us, we need to work on that more diligently than others because somehow, we’ve lost our way. When that happens, I myself always have to start back at square one. Once I started becoming truly honest with myself, it was rather easy. I took a deep breath and accepted that I know who I am, how I feel and think etc... I needed to be true to these things in order to be genuine with “David”.

Evolution happens whether we like it or not. It’s one of those things that will forever be out of our control to a certain extent. In my own humble way, I have learned to accept and embrace change. I know that things will invariably change and so, in order to remain positive about it, and not fear it, I have instead, chosen to look forward to it. That said, I have evolved in my own individual way and that’s alright. No matter what changes occur, I have already acknowledged a baseline of my own personal viewpoints in life. Everything branches off of these ideas as they are fundamental to who I am.

Here are some of my own personal viewpoints. You can agree or disagree, but either way – you will ultimately learn a great deal about me through these convictions:

Life is – about the destination

Competition is – winning

Vanity is – Looking your best is very important

Relationships are – Essential. Partnering with someone is the core foundation of one’s happiness. The security of knowing someone is there – is key

Physical Fitness is – Vital. Working out/exercise enhances your overall appearance and makes you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically

Wealth is – Defined by what you own and achieve

Cleaning is – Critical. An orderly environment enables you to think more clearly, feel organized and in control

Status is – Tangible. You are always being judged by others on your socioeconomic position in society

Happiness is – Being in control of your life and destiny and being able to change things when needed.

My vision, my core values and life experience can in some way be pinged off of – or to – one of these statements. I make no apologies for my viewpoints because it is what I believe. There is no way of telling whether these ideas were spurned by environmental influence or not but I believe that most people are molded to think one way or another from a very young age. It is possible that I was influenced throughout my childhood and it has become what I believe as an adult. This is me – after my individuality and life experience was blended up with my moral compass.

Outlook on life can, and will change. This I know. There is no way to compare a life behind bars to that of someone for example, with terminal cancer. The viewpoints would be completely divergent in every way. The core values of simply wanting to live however, may still be the same. 

It’s all very thought provoking and well, uncanny.

‘Adaptation within the Evaluation of Other Human Beings’

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It occurred to me that I no longer evaluate people the way I used to. Like so many adults, I have realized that the innocence and naivete that I once had, is now lost. I expect that this happens at different times for everyone. In my own particular case, it has been an evolving adaptation. That evaluation was something I once had, but is now long gone, lost and forgotten. Now though, I am feeling as if I want some of it back.

In my previous life, the one prior to my incarceration, I was lighthearted. I never took too many things too seriously and considered most everyone I came in contact with, as a friend. Trust for me, came almost instantaneously. I truly felt that people, for the most part, were fundamentally ‘good’.

Looking back, I was indeed naive and implausibly green. It is very disturbing because, as a young adult, I lived in my own version of reality. I mean there is no doubt in my mind that my concept of reality then was so distorted, so convoluted. But that was the way I believed life to be at that time.

ELEVEN YEARS LATER:

When I meet a new person now, I subconsciously size them up. I scan them head to toe to decide where I think their weakest points would be. I focus on their eye contact, the firmness and size of their hands, the air of confidence in the tone of their voice . It is as if I am continuously preparing for battle. In my mind, I ask myself: “what is the best way to win a physical fight with this person?” 

Instinctively, I know that the majority of the words coming out of other people’s mouths are gross fabrications. People have ‘angles’ and need to present themselves in whatever way they see fit to accomplish their goals. I trust absolutely no one and feel as though every person around me can, and will become my enemy at some point in this game. You may not understand my choice in the word game, but I assure you, in prison, it is very much just that.

In no way is this a “normal” way of thinking, but is my “normal” in here and it keeps me alive and unharmed…

‘Trust’

Friday, April 25, 2014

Prison has a way of convincing us that people are fundamentally ‘BAD’. I believe that people are driven by ulterior motives, angles and are capable of incredibly heinous acts. I witness evil, scandalous and vindictive things being carried out by inmates every single day. Remember that for us, “with risk, comes the reward of an established reputation”. Inmates who have been proactive in building a reputation are allowed to do as they please. Unfortunately, it also enables them to have control. Inmates with too much control are inconceivably dangerous.

A time comes when morals will be challenged, ignored and seen as a clear disadvantage by the general inmate population. The choice to keep those morals close, can generate life threatening consequences. If an influential inmate suspects that you do not agree with something, at the very least you will be a victim of assault. The severity of the assault depends entirely upon the directives of the inmate with that ‘established reputation’. At the same time, only those who have taken great risks and have built their reputation, can authorize you to do your time as you please.

When I came to prison I was housed on the most violent, restrictive yard in the state. The inmates I associated with were sentenced to natural life or the death penalty and were notorious throughout the state. Instead of fearing them, I made the educated decision to study them. I made calculating choices in the people I befriended. Those who I did choose were considered as the “elite” of the population. I ignored their sentences and their crimes. I chose to nurture the relationships and I developed genuine bonds with them. I quickly developed status and influence by proxy. After a certain point, very few inmates would have anything to say about how I chose to do my time. My plan worked and in my case, knowledge was power. And I used that power – to keep myself safe.

It will take some time to re-acclimatize and develop the ability to believe in people again. I was on the phone with Joey the other night and I said that I need to remember that, for the most part, people are ‘GOOD’. The percentage of people who are ‘BAD’ in the free world, is so small that if I do not begin to accept that again, it will hinder my ability to form new friendships and be successful at reentering society.

I am not generally open with people. I have to be around them in multiple scenarios before letting my guard down. I have been told that I have an impenetrable gaze or stare. I am at times, an intense person and can easily embrace uncomfortable silence between two people. I am always paying attention to people’s mannerisms, facial expressions, changes in vocal tome, eye movement and rhythm of speech. I am constantly surveying my surroundings and the people within it. If I am complaining then I feel weak, as if I have lost control. 

Today, I am always expecting chaos.

I have no idea how I am going to learn to trust people again. Will I ever be able to relax and just give people the benefit of the doubt? I wonder if this is what soldiers must feel when they return home from war…

Once trust is gone – how do we regain it?