President's Day was a violent one; "If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down."

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I got up yesterday focused on having a great day. I had to write to a new friend Paul, who another inmate is desperately trying to hook me up with. After that, my plan was to work out, call home and then relax.

The morning was great, but as I went outside around noon, a white inmate was jumped, right in front of me. I kept walking toward the phones. Some guys got him up, and brought him inside. As I got to the phones, two more white inmates were also jumped. I proceeded to call my mom and check in. If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down.

Halfway through my phone call with mom, John rushed over and asked me if I would look at the injuries to one of the white inmate’s head to see if it would require stitches. I ended the call and went to examine the injury. I looked at his head carefully and then informed them that, in my opinion, it would require staples. (I later learned that the medics apparently used super glue instead.)

Realizing that the yard was running on Normal Operations, I decided to go ahead with my work out. The afternoon, at least my afternoon, was really very nice. That cannot be said for everyone.

I am back to work today, which is good. This week is really short. I will only work Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Piece of cake! The best news is that Joe will be here from Boston to spend the entire weekend with me.

That alone, makes my entire month. I can’t wait!

http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/prison-conditions-a-collection-of-images/

The fear of consequence will only last so long..

Sunday, February 3, 2013

If you have been reading along, then you know that there was a series of really unfortunate and violent events here last month. Things got so bad that the administration had us on Lockdown status for about 10 days straight and even took everyone’s privileges away for an entire weekend. That is very rare.

Since then, things have certainly calmed down. The big question that needs to be asked here though, is how long will that calm last? So many men here are continually making bad choices that would normally receive some form of physical discipline. Being that they are being given a ‘pass’ of sorts, a lot more guys are doing the craziest things because they know that they will get away with it. Basically, there is a domino effect occurring and I fear that it will all come to a head soon.

I have given this situation a great deal of thought and in the end, there is no winning. It will simply go round and round. The administration has to do everything in their power to keep us relatively safe. The ‘shot callers’ within the inmate population want to make sure that everyone is behaving as they should.

There is no fix here.

Keeping the displaced aggression in check; "When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. "

Monday, January 28, 2013

Toward the end of last week, it became clear to me that I was losing my composure. I mean, I do my best to everyday with a smile on my face, I find myself repeating a line that Anne Bancroft (one of my favorite actresses) used to say; “I never did mind about the little things…”  Problem is, without realizing it, all those little things have built up – hidden inside of me somewhere. When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. In my case, I cannot tell you what my recent trigger was. It happened so fast.

There was nothing physical or violent; simply mental and in turn, emotional. Once I was doen with my verbal tirade, I simply shut down. That in mind, I have been incredibly antisocial since Thursday. Mom and Kevin were here yesterday and they could tell I was not in the best space mentally. Ironically, Mom had already spoken to my friend Joe and was aware that I was not doing well. Rather than asking what was going on, she simply said that she and Joe wanted me to try and stay positive and to manage my temper.

There is no doubt – that was the icing on the cake.

Here’s the deal. I know that my friends and family love me and always want the best for me. Sometimes I think I have over-shared about this experience with them. In this circumstance, I most definitely had.

Up until yesterday, we had been on a complete lockdown for 10 days. Since the 1^st of the year, we have had deaths, serious assaults, overdoses etc. It is expected that all of these things will happen in prison, but lately, it has been happening at an overwhelming rate. I have no problem being locked down when I am alone. But when I am surrounded by 36 idiots who are running around high and acting stupid, and who also have incredibly bad hygiene….  Well, it’s not exactly pleasant. Halfway through our lockdown, all of our toilets broke down. On top of that, our ventilation system failed so we had no air circulation (in fact, we still don’t…) Needless to say, the aroma in my run is an assault to the senses.

Strangely, I found myself apologizing to myself before my meltdown, but I had to let it all out. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Do I wish my friends and family understood more? You betcha. But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. It’s something that I have to deal with. After all, it’s my fault that I am here in the first place.

 

Getting back to normal; my "Normal"; "By the end of the day, I was mentally fried."

Friday, January 25, 2013

The yard was officially placed back onto normal operations yesterday morning. My day however was incredibly irritating. When I complained about it to John, he reminded me that everything that I was complaining about, has always gone on, but due to our long lockdown, I had become spoiled. I couldn’t believe he said that, but after I sat down to give it some thought, I realized that he was right. I had to acknowledge that.

From the moment the yard opened, everyone all of a sudden needed me for something. “Can you help me with this?”, “Can you fix this, fix that?”, “Can you talk to this person for me?”, “Do you have this?”, “What’s going on with that?”… I mean, it was seriously nonstop. It went on and on!

As I was working out outside at the dip bars, I was interrupted almost between every set. I don’t know it just seemed like I had to hold everyone’s hand and it really got to me. By the end of the day, I was mentally fried and tried to stay up to take some advantage of the peace and quiet, but my eyes would not stay open.

I have no idea as to when I will be going back to work. I spoke to a lieutenant this morning and she informed me that my boss is covering someone else’s position while they are on maternity leave. The fact that he did not communicate that with me or John bothered me, but there is not much I can do about it. It’s not as if we are a priority or anything. Guys in orange are never a priority unless we do something bad. In any case, there is a possibility that we will not work in weeks which will probably end up driving me crazy. Again, I have no control.

Patiently waiting for a change of pace; "People here, just do not want to play nice with others."

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It’s hard to believe that we have only been under Normal Operations for 8 days out of the 22 of this new year. I’m not sure what I should conclude from this other ther than the fact that people here, just do not want to play nice with others.

There has been one serious assault after another and I know that the administrators are trying their best to get a hold of it. The problem is that for them, the only option is mass punishment; hence the lockdowns and revocation of visitation privileges over this past weekend.

As a whole, I was not nearly as upset as the rest of the population, but then again, I have been on some of the most violent yards in this state. I’m well aware of what the administrators will do when their hands are tied. Though I am not a fan of mass punishment, even I have to agree that this, is really their only option.

I was not expecting a visit this weekend so my family and friends were not affected by this. I did however look forward to my weekend phone calls to Joe and I really needed to call Marc and speak to him as well. Instead, I wrote letters, watched the Food Network, ate too much, worked out too much (I am entirely too sore) and got caught up on sleep.

Being that yesterday was a holiday, we were locked down anyway. At the moment it is 5:30 AM. The yard should have already opened up if they were planning on taking us off of Lockdown. Since they have not, I will have to come up with some things to occupy my time today.

 

A brand new kind of me; "I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The past 48 hours have been filled with some serious soul searching and “me time”. To say that I have been antisocial -would be a gross understatement.

Yesterday morning, someone that I consider a friend, was seriously assaulted outside and left there lying alone and bleeding from the head. I was inside at the time and was completely unaware of what was taking place. As usual, when staff finally realized what had taken place, we were immediately placed back on Lock Down status.

As the facts of the event came in, I remained quiet but my anger and disgust within began to rise and rise. Hearing guys laughing and telling jokes about it was a tipping point for me. I grabbed my towel and headed to the shower where I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown. This shit, is NOT okay.

Over the years, I have certainly become desensitized to many acts of violence and wrong doings. But it is always different when it is someone you truly know. There is no place deep enough within my mind to bury that and ignore it. This event in particular brought a wave of memories of so many things I have seen and with that, a lingering question that simmers within me; “how is it that I have gotten to a point where these act have been okay, accepted, and then ignored?”

Am I mentally weak? Selectively blind? Have I become an advocate for violence? Am I non-feeling?

Have I become one of “them”?

I have rational explanations for all of these questions to self, and each of them lead to survival – both mentally and physically. But it’s not enough. I need to find myself back to me… I’m not lost, but I have been ignoring too many things simply so that I can be “okay” and continue to move forward. This behavior is not acceptable to me and only I can change it.

Lockdown status; "I have no control over anybody but myself."

Monday, January 7, 2013

We remain on lockdown status due to the severe assault on New Years Day. What the administration will decide to do is beyond me. Since I have no control over anybody but myself, all I can do is keep moving forward and stay as positive as I can.

No doubt I am in higher spirits than I was during the previous week. I really think it was just a holiday funk that I was in. No matter, I’m glad that it is over with. It takes so much energy to feel that way. I must keep moving and continue to keep my mind occupied. Lockdown or not, I will have a good week.

A lovely morning

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The yard remains locked down today. I woke up this morning with a sense of loneliness and so, I am trying to keep my time occupied as best as I can. Good Morning America is on as it is every morning. I am huge Sam Champion supporter and am so happy that he has found love and gotten married to his long time partner. The fact that they are supporting it and speaking of it in the news speaks volumes to how far we have come in this country!

I wish him and his partner the very best!

Another day begins in wonder; "Regardless of what they decide, I am awake and ready."

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

There are many possibilities for what could happen today. We stayed on lockdown for the remainder of last night after the assault happened. That in mind, we may remain locked down today as well. We also could get raided and searched – or we could simply go back to normal operations. Regardless of what they decide, I am awake and ready. The yard should open at 5:30 AM so in about 5 minutes, we will know our fate for the day. If I go to work, then my boss will be here to pick John and I up at 6:00 AM.

All of this is really not that important because if I have the day off, and we remain locked down, I am fine with it. I’m just waiting for mail and property to get back on track. The holidays have screwed so much up. As you can imagine, there is a delay with the regular postal operation, and then once things get here, they have to go through the prison post office as well. I have some CDs on the way and cannot wait! I’m really burnt out on the majority of my music so I need to replenish my collection. I’m also waiting on some new books as well.

John is now laying on my bed complaining to me in a whisper that it’s 5:35 AM and the yard has not opened yet. He wants to go out for a run and get in a quick workout, but it’s not looking that promising. My ‘Bromer’ gets frustrated easily so it’s best to let him vent. Somehow today will turn out okay. First, I need another cup of coffee though.

Town Hall Meeting; "Some white guy was stabbed in front of my dorm."

Monday, November 19, 2012

Since our mini riot last Tuesday, there has been a whirlwind of violence here. Our lockdown went on through Thursday and were finally placed on normal operations that morning. I had to be present at a town hall meeting with our Deputy Warden that morning.

The meeting was okay. I have a lot of respect for the Deputy Warden. She is no-nonsense and direct, which is something I can completely appreciate. She also has no problem meeting with an inmate one-on-one to try and help with whatever situation arises. That, is a rarity. The meeting went alright though and was over in a couple of hours. There was nothing that was brought up that I did not know already so mostly, I just sat and listened.

That evening, when the yard opened up for the night, some white guy was stabbed in front of my dorm. So back on lockdown we went again. I was able to get out to go to work on Friday .  That was good, because I had many loose ends to tie up before going on a 12 day vacation.

Again, we came off lockdown early yesterday morning so I was able to go out, use the phone and take care of a couple of things. Like clockwork though, as soon as the yard opened up for night rec last night, another white guy was assaulted. Argh!

Lockdown is the story of our life.

Since I am off now for an entire week, I have no idea of what’s in store. I will blog and work out. John is planning the menu for Thanksgiving. But I will have to cook it.
Oh well.

Taking a Day; "We are still on lockdown status due to the racial tension."

Thursday, November 15, 2012

My boss was supposed to pick up John and I at 07:00. It is now 10:00 AM and no boss.

Either he was tasked to do other things, or administration will not allow him to pull us out of our building because we are still on lockdown status due to the racial tension. The only problem with all of this is that we have a lot of work to do and only one more day to do it. After tomorrow, we are officially back on vacation again for 12 days, so everything will be delayed yet again. If for some reason we do not go to work today, then I suppose I will write letters to my friends James and Marquise.