The OG vs the Fish; "We are expected to act first and ask questions later.."

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Yesterday, I was speaking with one of my ‘OG’s”(Old Guards); one of the people whom I have to answer to. There are only two of them. We were speaking about some drama that is occurring on the yard. John made a comment that caused my ‘OG’ to put him in check verbally. I thought John was going to shit his pants. Afterwards, I told John that he needs to remember that not all people are going to be receptive to his input. To many, he is still considered a “fish”, meaning a new inmate.

Even for me, I could never let certain people know that I talk things out, or even get advice at times from John. It would be a violation because I am considered an ‘OG’. I have experienced everything there is to see and have been to super max facilities that most will never see. We are expected to act first and ask questions later. I do not do that, but I have learned to give the believable impression that I do. That is where my aggressive observation comes in handy. I always need to know what guys are going to do before they know it themselves.

John is okay of course and I would never, ever allow anything to happen to him. Still, it was a reality check for him.

Another long day

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I am pretty tired  and yet I am still awake at 5:00 AM. People are stirring in their beds and likely debating on whether or not they want to be first in line for breakfast. It’s pancake day so the majority of the yard will go. It is the one breakfast that is actually okay and recognizable to the eye.

Yesterday was exhausting. It seemed as though every inmate needed  or wanted something so our office continued to have a revolving door for the better part of the day. I suppose it made the day go by faster, but it was draining. Upon my return to the dorm, I found a letter from one of my new pen pals, Dre and that was great. I got another quick workout in and then was asked to cut a friend of mine, Buck’s hair.

Technically I am not supposed to cut his hair because he is white. The ‘Head’ of the whites however, is also a friend of mine, and views me as exempt. Imagine that! So, as I was giving Buck a fade, a couple of other white guys asked me for haircuts as well.  I asked them to get permission and they did. Before I realized it, I had four people waiting to get their hair cut and I am not the barber! I do however know how to cut hair well, even though it is not my favorite thing to do.

By the time I was beginning my 3^rd haircut, John could see that I was going to be awhile so he began cooking dinner; roast beef sandwiches.  I finished cutting hair by 7:00 PM, showered and settled in for ‘The Bachelor’. I know its terrible, but everyone watches it. That was followed up ‘The Following’ and ‘Deception’.

I began writing Dre back around 10:00 PM and went to bed around 1:00 AM. So yeah, I am tired.

I do not have to be at work today until noon, but a friend of mine arrived here yesterday from another yard and I need to catch up with him. I will fill him in on everything that is going on and make sure that he has everything he needs. I also need to pick up some things at the inmate store, swing by property and call home to check in.

John is still asleep in his bed just to the right of me. He has been very active in his sleep lately and even lacerated his forehead the other night because he hit his head on the edge of his desk. It didn’t even wake him up. I have been keeping an eye on him.

The fear of consequence will only last so long..

Sunday, February 3, 2013

If you have been reading along, then you know that there was a series of really unfortunate and violent events here last month. Things got so bad that the administration had us on Lockdown status for about 10 days straight and even took everyone’s privileges away for an entire weekend. That is very rare.

Since then, things have certainly calmed down. The big question that needs to be asked here though, is how long will that calm last? So many men here are continually making bad choices that would normally receive some form of physical discipline. Being that they are being given a ‘pass’ of sorts, a lot more guys are doing the craziest things because they know that they will get away with it. Basically, there is a domino effect occurring and I fear that it will all come to a head soon.

I have given this situation a great deal of thought and in the end, there is no winning. It will simply go round and round. The administration has to do everything in their power to keep us relatively safe. The ‘shot callers’ within the inmate population want to make sure that everyone is behaving as they should.

There is no fix here.

The days really go by so much easier when you have things to look forward to.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

This month will be really great for me. On top of the fact that my football team will be in the Superbowl today, I have a lot of things to look forward to.

My best friend in the world, Joe, will be here from Boston on the 23^rd and 24^th. Our friend Aiden, will be here on the 26^th but he will only be visiting with my mom. Still, I am oddly happy about that. We have food visit on Sunday the 10^th so Mom, and the rest of the ‘Fam Bam’ will be here with al of my favorite foods to feed me. That is always a good time.

There are also a couple of really interesting guys who have reached out to me whom I have responded to. I am waiting to hear back from them. The most intriguing is a guy named Rich who is originally from Boston but currently living in Las Vegas.

Yes, this should be a really wonderful month!

FOOD VISIT!!!!!!

My state of employment is uncertain...

Monday, January 28, 2013

John and I have not worked for a couple of weeks now. I am sitting at my desk in my run, ready to go, but considering that it is already 7:30 AM, it’s not looking very promising. I have never been a fan of uncertainty so the fact that our boss has not had the common courtesy to communicate with us is irritating me to no end.

Over the past couple of months, it has become obvious that our boss has lost his drive. Hell, we all have in a way when it comes to work. Still, it does serve to break up my day so it would be nice to get back to my old schedule. In my gut though, I do not see that really happening anytime soon. The time is coming for me to make a final decision in regard to whether I stop working all together and focus on writing my book – or simply continue on hanging in the balance.

Keeping the displaced aggression in check; "When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. "

Monday, January 28, 2013

Toward the end of last week, it became clear to me that I was losing my composure. I mean, I do my best to everyday with a smile on my face, I find myself repeating a line that Anne Bancroft (one of my favorite actresses) used to say; “I never did mind about the little things…”  Problem is, without realizing it, all those little things have built up – hidden inside of me somewhere. When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. In my case, I cannot tell you what my recent trigger was. It happened so fast.

There was nothing physical or violent; simply mental and in turn, emotional. Once I was doen with my verbal tirade, I simply shut down. That in mind, I have been incredibly antisocial since Thursday. Mom and Kevin were here yesterday and they could tell I was not in the best space mentally. Ironically, Mom had already spoken to my friend Joe and was aware that I was not doing well. Rather than asking what was going on, she simply said that she and Joe wanted me to try and stay positive and to manage my temper.

There is no doubt – that was the icing on the cake.

Here’s the deal. I know that my friends and family love me and always want the best for me. Sometimes I think I have over-shared about this experience with them. In this circumstance, I most definitely had.

Up until yesterday, we had been on a complete lockdown for 10 days. Since the 1^st of the year, we have had deaths, serious assaults, overdoses etc. It is expected that all of these things will happen in prison, but lately, it has been happening at an overwhelming rate. I have no problem being locked down when I am alone. But when I am surrounded by 36 idiots who are running around high and acting stupid, and who also have incredibly bad hygiene….  Well, it’s not exactly pleasant. Halfway through our lockdown, all of our toilets broke down. On top of that, our ventilation system failed so we had no air circulation (in fact, we still don’t…) Needless to say, the aroma in my run is an assault to the senses.

Strangely, I found myself apologizing to myself before my meltdown, but I had to let it all out. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Do I wish my friends and family understood more? You betcha. But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. It’s something that I have to deal with. After all, it’s my fault that I am here in the first place.

 

Getting back to normal; my "Normal"; "By the end of the day, I was mentally fried."

Friday, January 25, 2013

The yard was officially placed back onto normal operations yesterday morning. My day however was incredibly irritating. When I complained about it to John, he reminded me that everything that I was complaining about, has always gone on, but due to our long lockdown, I had become spoiled. I couldn’t believe he said that, but after I sat down to give it some thought, I realized that he was right. I had to acknowledge that.

From the moment the yard opened, everyone all of a sudden needed me for something. “Can you help me with this?”, “Can you fix this, fix that?”, “Can you talk to this person for me?”, “Do you have this?”, “What’s going on with that?”… I mean, it was seriously nonstop. It went on and on!

As I was working out outside at the dip bars, I was interrupted almost between every set. I don’t know it just seemed like I had to hold everyone’s hand and it really got to me. By the end of the day, I was mentally fried and tried to stay up to take some advantage of the peace and quiet, but my eyes would not stay open.

I have no idea as to when I will be going back to work. I spoke to a lieutenant this morning and she informed me that my boss is covering someone else’s position while they are on maternity leave. The fact that he did not communicate that with me or John bothered me, but there is not much I can do about it. It’s not as if we are a priority or anything. Guys in orange are never a priority unless we do something bad. In any case, there is a possibility that we will not work in weeks which will probably end up driving me crazy. Again, I have no control.