’50 Shades of Gay’

Saturday, March 28, 2015

I was 10 years old the 1^st time I looked into in a gay bar.

My mom and I were walking down Castro Street in San Francisco and doing some boutique shopping. It was a beautiful afternoon. Because the various bars were beginning to get populated, I assume it was probably around happy hour. I recall seeing this gigantic black man standing outside of a door wearing jeans, and what I now know to be a leather harness. His torso looked like a double black diamond alpine ski trail. Loud music was pumping out from inside and I kept seeing bright flashes of color. 

At some point, I wiggled free from mom, jogged up to the door and asked the big guy out front if I could look inside. He smiled a brilliantly warm face back to me and said ‘all right’. He picked me up so I could look into the windows and I saw huge women dancing about on a stage. It looked fun, and I remember wondering why they were so big. The man put me down in front of my mom who had finally caught up to me. She thanked him and he told me that one day, I would be allowed to go inside if I wanted to. I’d only have to wait about 10 more years. 

That club was the Pendulum and it will serve a purpose in my life forever.

As the years passed by I would poke and prod my mom’s gay friends about certain things and began to understand the diverse differences among the gay community. Keep in mind that my mom’s gay friends were RN’s and physicians. They had accomplished great things in their lives with their careers. Still though, when it came to their definition of ‘gay’, they had divided themselves up. The 1^st groups I learned about were the “Bears” and the “Twinks”. Since those definitions were based primarily on physicality, it was easy to understand. But even though they were in distinctly different categories, they still socialized together and it wasn’t ever a situation to which there was an ‘us’ vs. ‘them’.

I am certain many will frown upon this, but by the age of 16, I had a fake ID and was hitting the gay clubs whenever possible. I never had sex with anyone, and I didn’t drink alcohol. I would simply dance and absorb the sense of belonging that I felt. It was like being free. Soon, I realized that some bars and clubs tailored themselves specifically to certain lifestyles within the gay community. I discovered that I was most comfortable within the leather and sports themed gay bars. Those establishments were filled with jocks and body worshipers. That experience helped me to realize and understand who I was.

By the time I was 18, I was DJing at one of the hottest gay bars in Scottsdale. It was a jock bar and I had developed good friendships with the staff and owners there. I was very in tune with all that was going on as far as drug use and prostitution. These were things that were also happening at straight clubs, but I never liked the way it looked, specifically, I never liked the way it made the gay community look. For me, my friends learned early on to never pass the marijuana to me because it would put me to sleep instantly. Since I love my sleep, cocaine or crystal meth were absolutely unappealing to me. So, if a lot of drug use was occurring around me, I simply accepted it subconsciously and continued to have my own version of a good time. I was still very young and naïve, but I was evolving quickly at the same time.

The one thing I remember most however, was the sense of belonging and camaraderie, It didn’t matter what lifestyle within the LGBTQ community you represented, you were accepted. More than that – you were supported. I am certain that there was judgment, cattiness and bad behavior amongst some, but I was afforded the privilege of not having to associate with those people.

Today, at 34 years of age, I have a decidedly different outlook on the LGBTQ community. Most importantly however, I miss them. I miss the feeling of belonging because I have been the odd man out in prison for so many years.

In my experience, those from the LGBTQ community who come into the prison system are perhaps more damaged, more lost than most. Many of them are HIV positive, have incredibly high levels of dug addiction and are willing to do just about anything for a dollar. It is sad and upsetting. The majority adopt female names regardless of the fact that there is nothing even remotely feminine about them.

In the beginning of my incarceration, I used to try to befriend other gays in prison, but it truly never worked out. I was quick to discover that many of them simply wanted me to be their financial supporter. Additionally, because I knew how to fight and defend myself, they also wanted me to act as their protector. (Unfortunately, most of them do not exactly abide by the rules willingly...) So, for my own sanity, I began to retreat from them. 

Soon enough, many of the gays began to view me as a threat and, as time passed, that sentiment was spread throughout the prison system. It was clear to me that because I presented myself as a ‘man’, because I was sober and didn’t fool around with other inmates, that I was somehow projecting myself as ”better” than them. In response, I began to judge and discriminate against them because I believe that their behavior was creating the basis for widespread homophobia in prison. Candidly, their drug use, behavior and promiscuity in this environment, embarrassed me as a gay man.

The very idea that I do not want to chance befriending any other gays I come in contact with - speaks volumes. I can’t say that all gay men in prison are like this, because I know that surely cannot be true. I simply wish that some of the ones here, in the prisons I have been at, would carry themselves better, or at least try to better themselves. This experience, when it comes to prison, has made me sad and very frustrated as a gay man.

I suppose, at the end of the day, that we, as human beings, are all intrinsically different. Because of our varying orientations, we will not always agree with how we choose to lead our individual lives. I mean, I realize that I am ‘David’, and yes, I am a gay man. That’s all I can be and work on - because the other various shades of gay, well I can’t let that affect me. ‘

Not in prison anyway…

Related Posts:

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2015/02/alternative-lifestyles-and-correctional.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2014/01/being-gay-in-prison-is-it-as.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/09/last-week-homosexual-was-brought-to-yard.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/10/traitor-homosexuals-in-prison-for.html

‘Alternative Lifestyles and Correctional Officers’

Sunday, February 15, 2015

The politically correct term for the LGBT community within a prison facility is ‘Alternative Lifestyle’. I have to tell you that I HATE that title. I always have and always will. To say that I am classified as an ‘Alternative Lifestyle; makes me feel as if I have somehow chosen this way of life rather than simply being the gay man that I am. It’s an unfortunate truth that I alone will never be able to change that and so, I have learned to swallow a certain amount of pride and simply accept it.

One would think, as a gay man, that all gay men would be a united front within the correctional system. I have touched on this topic previously (see related blog entries below) and explained that we are not in fact united. In fact, we go so far as to divide, segregate and ‘click up’ into our own distinct sub categories. As a reminder to those of you who have not been following this blog since the inception, these are the categories of the ‘Alternative Lifestyles’ in prison:

Gay Men  Guys who work out, excel at sports. Have masculine/heterosexual mannerisms and are generally accepted by the ‘straight’ male inmates without issue. They tend to not associate with anyone in the LGBT community in prison.

Gay Boys  Guys who are effeminate and go out of their way to present themselves as ‘pretty’. They tend to wear form fitting clothing and like to have trysts whenever possible. They are struggling to find their niche of acceptance.

Queens  Guys who present themselves as female and take on pseudo female nicknames such as “cocoa”, “Asia”, “Hollywood”, “Candy”, etc. They are a force to be reckoned with and aggressive when travelling in packs. They are comical and entertaining to watch amd I mean that in a very heartfelt way.

Chicks  Guys who are physically transitioning into females. They have  had hormone therapy, implants, injections of Botox and fillers. Since they are not complete in their gender reassignment and still have male genitalia, they are housed with men in general population. In my 13 years, I have only met one Chik and she was only on the yard for a few weeks before being moved. She received multiple disciplinary infractions and was reassigned elsewhere. Beyond that, she was treated well by both inmates and staff.

So, now that you have a baseline, I can address the question of what the dynamic is between correctional officers and the ‘Alternative Lifestyle’ population.

I am not certain what is assumed, but I am here to say that I have never had any issue with staff because of my sexuality. I think, and I can only say this because of the type of questions I receive on this topic, that the public speculation is that gay men are treated terribly by the officers. I have never personally witnessed that behavior. I have seem both officers and the administration personnel go out of their way to ensure safety and comfort for the gay community in prison.

I think that somehow there is a cloud of misrepresentation regarding LGBT inmates and officers. The general, free population hears horror stories of what it is like to be gay in prison. While many of those stories may be true, it is typically not because of the officers, but rather, the fellow inmates. The officers, (at least the ones I have known) treat gay inmates like everyone else – which is a good thing. If nothing else, perhaps I can in this blog post, clear up that misconception for you.

The inmate on inmate issues will forever be present and it really is about the “leader” vs. the “follower” in here. The majority of inmates are followers and they are this way in hopes of being accepted and for their own survival. The leaders are typically narrow minded, and like true politicians, tend to forget the bigger picture. Unfortunately, they do not forgo their own personal beliefs in order to create peace and order among the greater population. If you are curious as to where I stand in this whole mess, well bear this in mind; I have previously been a ‘leader’ (or as they call them in prison: a “Head”). The only reason I was successful in it was because I knew the right people and that I am considerably more intelligent than many of the other inmates. That said, I was able to lead a lot of “thirsty people to water”, in a manner of speaking. What I failed to realize was he huge amount of energy it took from me.

Today, I am an independent. I’m just DAVID . My reputation is pretty solid and because of my prison history, nobody can really tell me what to do. For clarification, I categorize myself into the ‘Gay Men; group. I am guilty in that I do not really associate with anyone else in the GLBT community we are all very different in how we live day to day. Sadly it is also about survival and reputation. It doesn’t make me feel good, but it is what it is.  Consequently, the LGBT community does not care for me or for that matter, any of the other Gay men. I gather that they feel since we do not socialize with them, that we somehow think we are better than them. Perhaps they presume we do not care about them. Simply put, the fact is that we have chosen different paths in how we serve our prison time.

Truthfully, after further analysis, the larger LGBT community may well be stronger than the Gay Men simply because they stand tall exactly as they are. Gay Men, are more accepted by everyone, but perhaps on different terms.

There will never be any way to fix this. It will go on forever – just as it does outside these walls. It is our own fault and we have no one to blame but ourselves. The only thing we have in common is the fact that we continue to be misunderstood. 

Related Posts:

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2014/01/being-gay-in-prison-is-it-as.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/09/last-week-homosexual-was-brought-to-yard.html

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2012/10/traitor-homosexuals-in-prison-for.html

‘Mom and the City’

Thursday, March 27, 2014

I owe so much to my mom, and the fact that she brought me up in San Francisco. Without both, surely I would not be the person that I am today. My childhood, though unorthodox to most, was awesome. Parents typically take their time introducing their children to life. There is a sheltered period that, in my opinion, can sometimes go on for too long. Rather than sheltering me, my mother took it upon herself to take me everywhere as if I were a small adult. She enabled me to experience different cultures and lifestyles. When I had questions, she answered them honestly without censorship. I am eternally grateful for that now. I would not be as adaptive in life had it not been for her parenting choices.

Mom

At 5 years old, I remember a man getting out of a black Porsche on Fulton Street. He was wearing a beautiful suit and tie, carried a Louis Vuitton briefcase and wore dark aviator glasses. What stood out to me was that he was wearing a pair of brown and white wingtip stilettos. They looked like shoes that you would wear. I asked you why the man was wearing girl’s shoes. You bent down eye level to me and said that people can wear whatever shoes or clothing that they want to – so long as they feel good about it. To make light of the situation, you asked me if I thought he looked nice. I nodded my head and you said that you agreed. As we walked past him, you told him that you loved his shoes. He smiled and said ‘Thanks’.

I was 7 years old when you decided to explain why Dianne Feinstein was so important to the people of San Francisco. Ms Feinstein had taken over after the assassination of Mayor Moscone and Harvey Milk. You explained to me who Harvey Milk was, that he was brave, intelligent and that he wanted everyone to be seen as equal.

When Mayor Agnos failed at helping the overwhelming homeless population, you insisted that I treat the people sleeping on the streets with respect and kindness. You took the time to explain to me the many ways that people can become homeless and that they deserved respect as human beings, just like everyone else.

Not long after that is when I began to notice men walking hand in hand down the street and showing affection to one another. When I commented, you explained to me then what it meant to be gay versus straight . It was what first motivated me to study people who were excessively tattooed, pierced or otherwise eccentric. The creatures of the night (prostitutes) and pimps were always entertaining to watch. The people riding the Y&M, like everyone else. You never instilled upon me that a lifestyle was wrong or unacceptable.

You took me to events at Davies Symphony Hall, the San Francisco Opera House, the Geary Theater, the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, Museo Italo Americano, the Presidio, midnight showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and to the gay pride parades. You encouraged me to eat sashimi, calamari, foie gras and oysters on the half shell. I loved things that most children’s palettes do not respond well to. I had become a very sophisticated child without ever realizing how extraordinary it was. I know now that you did all of these things on purpose, and I thank you.

Lastly, you introduced me to my beloved San Francisco 49ers. Your season’s tickets between 82 and 92 fueled my onsession with football. Some of my best memories were created there at Candlestick Park.

Despite all of the mistakes I have made – and all the challenges that you and I have faced and overcome… You did a great Job!

I’m just sayin….

' DISCRIMINATION'

Friday, February 28, 2014

DISCRIMINATION: Treating people differently through prejudice; unfair treatment of one person or group, usually because of prejudice about race, ethnicity, age, religion, sexual orientation or gender.

I woke this morning to discover that Arizona has a bill waiting to be signed that would allow businesses to turn away homosexuals. I feel so ashamed of the fact that I live in this state. Here it is 2014 and Arizona is taking huge steps backward. Politically, I strongly disagree with most everything that the state of Arizona stands for. Leaving this state will be the best day of my life.

My personal experience;

One would think that growing up in San Francisco I would have been introduced to discrimination early on, but that is not the case. I was taught about it, yes. Living in San Francisco allowed people to be who they were, real and organic. Understanding discrimination and actually being discriminated upon are completely different things.

The first time I experienced discrimination I was in high school here in Arizona. (Scottsdale) Classmates would ask where I was from and I would respond San Francisco. Their immediate thought was that I must be gay. I also realized that everyone divided themselves up into specific groups or cliques. I only attended private schools and the ones in Scottsdale were very different from the ones I went to in California. Financial status as apparently very important in Scottsdale, so by proxy, the kids were divided into three categories; #1 The Wealthy, #2 The Very Wealthy & #3 Those who had more money than the law should allow. In San Francisco, everyone was financially secure but nobody ever spoke about it. No one cared. In Scottsdale however, it was all about the clothes that I wore, the car that I drove, my summer/winter vacation destinations, my parent’s jobs, my address – and how many addresses we had.

Since I was new, nobody really knew much about me so they had no alternative other than to turn their perception into fact. They assumed that I was Latin American or of a mixed ethnicity because of my skin tone and features. They assumed that I was in the 2^nd financial category because I drove a Land Rover, wore designer clothes and had more than one address. Initially, I felt as though I would fit in but none of these things really mattered because, at the end of the day, they still believed that I was gay. That in of itself was social suicide in Scottsdale. Being that I was confident in the fact that I was gay however, I decided to rise above it. I figured that I needed to be stronger than the people who were judging me.

My prison experience;

Coming to prison, I was discriminated against not only for being gay, but also for being financially secure, light skinned, attractive, and educated. Saying that I was hated – would be an understatement.

Years later, after more fights than I care to count, and a couple of years in the “hole”, I have established myself in a society that I naturally shouldn’t fit into at all. I don’t want you to think that I have changed everyone’s minds because I haven’t. I have managed to enlighten a few, but in truth, the majority has simply chosen to accept me because it is easier than explaining how they have lost a fight to a homosexual. Many of them also realize that I am smarter than they are and so, in a way, I have Become an asset to them.

You have to remember that this will always be a testosterone based environment. Even though I am masculine, being gay still makes me weak in their eyes.

Yes, I know all about being discriminated upon.

Men; "the odds of someone looking to become seriously involved with me in this position are very slim"

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Last night, I was finally able to call my friend Cliff in DC. We have been writing (pen palling) since 2009. This is the first time we have spoken on the phone and it was amazing! He is a great guy; funny, charismatic, accomplished and very handsome. We are friends and talking to him was really great. There is no doubt that I would pursue him in a more serious and romantic manner if possible, but he is involved, and I most definitely respect that. On top of that, the odds of someone looking to become seriously involved with me in this position are very slim. In any case, I hope to have more conversations with him and who knows, perhaps one day he will come out to visit.

Coming back inside, I gave the rundown of my phone call with Cliff to John. John has attempted to play matchmaker with me with a couple of his gay friends in Miami. Really, it is quite endearing. Last night though, he asked me who my top five fantasy men would be, and my answers surprised him. My top 5 are: 1. William Levy, 2. Collin Farrell, 3. Jason Statham, 4. Morris Chestnut,  & 5. Gabriel Macht. I asked John who he thought my top five would be. He replied: 1. Joe Manganiello, 2. Ricky Martin, 3. Lenny Kravitz, 4. David Beckham and 5. Vin Diesal. In truth, I would not kick any of those men out of bed, but I did get a good sense of how well he knows me. But I think his ideas were definitely close enough, to trust his recommendation. Weird, eh?

In the past year of so, John has had a crash course in all things gay, which is very comical. He is already what you would consider “Metrosexual” though. Thank goodness he is open minded and non judgmental. As far as John is concerned he does not have a top 5 females. He only has Gisele Bundchen.

Anyway, I have absolutely no agenda today besides going out, calling Joe and then checking in with mom and Kevin. At the moment, they are still feeding breakfast here so I have no idea when the yard will open up. Everything here, takes twice as long on the weekends.

Arizona Good? Hmmm.....

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

5:00 AM and having a cup of coffee. The Channel 12 news is on and again, I ask myself why I even bother watching it. Do you ever stop to consider that 90% of the time, the same issues are reported; crimes, politics, food, etc. The stories are always the same, but with a slightly different cast. Anyway, I am certain that some of you must live in places that have things that are a lot more newsworthy than Arizona!

Throughout the course of my blogging, there may be times that I sound as though I detest Arizona with a fire that burns deep down in my belly. If I come across that way, then I am doing very well in expressing my true feelings. Many people would assume that my negative feelings for the state of Arizona stem from the fact that I am imprisoned here. That is not the case, at all.

I was not born or raised in Arizona. When I was a pre-teen, My mom and I decided to relocate from San Francisco because we needed a change. The man who I had come to associate with as my father, Joe, had passed away from a cardio aneurism, and our desire to move, was most definitely a new-start situation. We had considered Charlotte, Miami, Austin, Dallas and then Scottsdale. (Personally, I loved Austin, but Scottsdale worked too.)

It was not long after building a home and enrolling in school that I began to notice things. I discovered that I could not find many ethnic people. I was always looking for Asians, Middle Easterners, Polish, Blacks etc. I was hard pressed. When I did stumble upon a person of different ethnicity,  I would reach out to them only to learn that they did not live there. For the most part, I was surrounded by Caucasians and Mexican Americans. I am not racist in any way, but I admit that I do crave cultural diversity. It was what I was raised with in San Francisco.

To add to that, I was coming to terms with my sexuality and well, you can imagine that coming out as a gay man would be much more acceptable in San Francisco than in Scottsdale. In my mind, the chips were stacked against me but I tried to make it work though.

Scottsdale is one of the most beautiful cities in America. It’s incredibly clean, has lots of grass, cobblestone streets and lots of manicured “McMansions” are to be found everywhere you turn. I usually refer to it as the desert’s Beverly Hills. There were positives. We no longer had horrendous traffic every day and a monster monthly mortgage payment. It was quiet, clean and sunny. I was also able to attend a private school that allowed me to have a horse there. I road Hunters, Jumpers and some Dressage.

 In time though, all of these positives began to fade away as I began to get pulled over by the police all the time. I was never doing anything wrong – so they would say. It was simply to find out where I was headed, what my business was in Scottsdale, and if the vehicle I was driving – was mine. Most people of color that live in Scottsdale are professional NBA or MLB players, or rappers. Sometimes I would wonder if they experienced the same treatment that I did. In any case, because my mom worked at the local emergency room, I began getting her on the phone so she could speak to the officer pulling me over. The likelihood of them knowing one another was high and so, it worked at getting them off my back. Still today though, those experiences leave a very, very bad taste in my mouth.

The gay scene in Arizona is also very interesting, and very different from what I had experienced in San Francisco.

I love my gay people 100%.  It has been my experience though, that there are really two distinct factions in the gay male community. The 1^st is completely secure, confident and knows exactly who he is. They are like the average guy, who just happens to be gay. The 2^nd type is a bit more exaggerated and wants to be the best gay man that they can be. Their lives revolve around their sexuality. And there is nothing wrong with that. While these two types share many commonalities, they are also very distinctly different. Personally, I love both types for who, and what they are.

Now keeping all of that in mind, consider San Francisco. For those who have not been there, many people believe that the Bay area is full of the 2^nd type of gay men.  They are there, but the majority of gay men in San Francisco are in the 1^st. So I grew up around mostly gay men who were very secure in themselves. It was commonplace to see two men pushing a stroller down the street, hand in hand  - and that was before the same sex adoption controversy. There was no judgment or issues in the Bay.

In Scottsdale, a lot of the gay men are also in the 1^st category – during the day. But at night, when they go out, they begin to fall into the 2^nd category. The entire sociology of it is really very intriguing. Anyway, the experience of being gay in Arizona, left me feeling as though I never truly “fit” there. As I look back, I wish I could have accepted the dynamic for what it was, instead of thinking that something was wrong with me.

The degree of comfort and sense of freedom that gay men experience changes dramatically as you travel the world though. In some areas, it is unacceptable to express one’s sexuality in any overt way. In other, more evolved places, it is celebrated and completely embraced. Most gay men simply adapt to their environments and adhere to the level of societal acceptance of them. They willingly adopt the ‘rules’ and do not question the impact upon their civil liberties. My experience as a gay man in prison has completely altered my way of thinking on this topic. I am in an environment where I have zero freedom to express myself openly. On many levels, prison serves up a metaphor to the larger problem of societal acceptance of gays in the world.  For those of you who are struggling for liberties and freedoms, I can only urge you to exercise what rights you do have. Whether you live in San Francisco or Scottsdale or anywhere else in America, you owe it to yourselves to stand up, to stand proud.

Well, it is working its way toward 6:30 AM and I think I am going to go outside and work out this morning. I do not have to be at work until noon. That means that I can work out, call my mom, stop by mail and property, do some laundry and shower – all before going in.

Mom leaves for Boston in the morning and I am so glad. I love to live vicariously through her and she gets to be with Joe, at his home, in our new city!