The lights are on and everyone is stirring. I attempted to sleep in today since I do not have to be at work until noon. I only got in an extra 30 minutes or so.
We had 5 different people roll up yesterday. “Rolling up” means they have said that they are not safe and wish tobe placed into protective segregation. All of the guys yesterday were white, so I am sure administration will be going after my friend, Bild, the Head of the whites. When people roll up willingly, they have to give up some intelligence to staff in order to be moved. 9 times out of 10, they always say the “Head” was threatening them into paying their debts etc. When that happens, it is only a matter of time before begin targeting the Head. If it continues, or if too many people become assaulted, then the Head will be placed at the Special Management Unit which is basically a permanent “hole”. They will be considered a permanent security threat. The overall situation is bad because we do not normally step forward and say “I want to be the Head of our people”. Most times we are elected and told the position is ours. Should someone decline the position, then they end up being physically disciplined. It is not fair, but then again, not much in prison is.Last week, a homosexual was brought to the yard. The inmates refused to allow him on the physical yard so he in turn, never stood a chance and had to leave. Since we one of the most violent yards in the state, the inmate population has made a unanimous decision to not allow any homosexuals here. This is especially true for very effeminate homosexuals who refer to themselves. You may be wondering; why am I here then? Obviously there are exceptions to the rule. I am certainly the exception. I am, for all practical purposes, the ‘different one’.
Many years ago, I was linked up with a great guy named Lay-Z.. He is a highly respected member in a gang so is also very respected in prison. The overall perception was that because of this, I was not to be fucked with. Though I never really appreciated being perceived as someone’s “property”… It was an incredibly smart move that has never lost its advantages. But on top of that, I am not a typical gay male. I am more of a ‘man’s man’ ; I work out, play sports, have learned the verbal lingo; the various handshakes and how to dress. I am accepted and over above that, I can fight. That little fact is well known throughout the prison population and definitely helps a lot. In any case, my sexual orientation rarely comes up and 80% of the prison population still believes, or views me as the property of Lay-Z even though we have not been on a yard together since 2009.Whenever there is another gay inmate turned away, there is always a feeling of somehow being a traitor inside me. I feel like I should be doing something to make their lives easier here but to do so, would be putting myself in some serious jeopardy. The only people who actively stand up for homosexuals are the inmates who claim them like objects. I have been on a lot of yards with that dynamic and always... something happens. The most common incident is that they cheat on their man with someone from a rival gang or a different race. The punishment for an offense of that nature is severe. Last year, a gay inmate was murdered. After a terrible beating, he was left in his bed to die slowly. It is events of that nature that remind me that this place, is not ‘ok’.
Do not think that simply because there are no open homosexuals allowed, that guys are not having sex. They are – and it is quite common. Why it is acceptable, I have no idea. I believe that they psychologically convince themselves that are not gay or bisexual. They are simply just ‘getting off’. Things are not always supposed to make sense. This is one thing that I have had to really get used to over the years.As far as things go today, we have a volleyball tournament tonight providing the weather allows it. I need to go do some shopping at the inmate store. I am running low on basic staples; oatmeal, coffee, peanut butter, etc. I also need to swing by mail and property and see if there is anything there for me. My mom sent me a CD from Amazon.com. It is by a new artist named Elle Varner, http://www.ellevarner.com/ so I have been looking forward to that.
Before I end this entry for today, I need to make something extremely clear to those who choose to read these words. I am not, in any way, an advocate for anything that goes on here. I have witnessed some horrific things happen to people over the years. As I write, I may seem to be somewhat desensitized to it. I am not. Over the years, I have had to learn how to compartmentalize these disturbing events so that I can continue to move forward. It is the only option that I have. Survival is the most important thing, and things… can change in an instant here.