HAPPY NEW YEAR

Wednesday, January 1, 2014
 
I would have done this yesterday but I was pretty much asleep by the time the ball dropped in Times Square. The last New Year’s Eve that I actually celebrated was in 2000, the millennium and the memory of that is still very much alive with me. I will hold onto that until I am allowed the opportunity to make new memories. 

So 2014 means that I now officially have 4 more years to go before completing my sentence. There really is light at the end of this journey for me. Now I am eligible to be moved to a minimum custody level prison if the administration believes I would be productive there.

It also means that I have now spent 12 years behind wire fences and barbed wire.

Enough Said.

Like so many others, I did make some New Year resolutions. I usually keep them to myself so that if I break one, nobody knows about it and therefore, can’t say anything. Still, I decided to share them this year and what better way to do that than here, with my readers?

DAVID’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

 

1. BE MORE TOLERANT: I would really like to be more tolerant to others. I go up and down with this at times and, as often is the case, it is completely mood driven. I need to be more even keeled and consistent.
2. BE KINDER TO MYSELF: For those who know me well, I can be a mixed bag. I am however, very self-critical in ways that make me seem crazy. The majority of it is physical changes i.e.; loss of hair, lines in the face, body changes. The problem is that time didn’t stop simply because I came to prison. I subconsciously blame my physical changes on my incarceration and therefore, view them as negatives. That way of thinking does me no good. It is not healthy and certainly not kind.
3. BE FUTURE DRIVEN:It’s so easy for people in prison to give up on the future because we to worry about simply surviving every minute of every day. Sometimes planning next week seems premature – so we don’t. For me, the future has been a “yeah, whatever…” topic because it has always seemed so far away.  I mean, why plan – if I could be killed tomorrow or beaten up so badly that I can’t carry out basic daily functions? These are the ‘what if?’ things that I never share with the people closest to me because I don’t want to worry them. But they are always in the back of my mind though. Every years that passes, is a year I do not have to do again though so I need to make some serious decisions for my future. It’s time.

With that said, I wish everyone a very Happy 2014! Take care of yourselves and do your best to find honor in all that you do!

The Daunting but Exciting re-entry

Monday, december 30, 2013

Time, and time again, I think about my release and though I am anxious and nervous, it is exciting to think about. A friend of mine who was recently released from prison after serving only 9 months, is having some trouble transitioning. It got me to think about how I will react.

 

I look at it as starting my life over again but at 37 years old. I will have no clothes, no money and will literally be starting from scratch. On the plus side, I have an education, social skills and drive. I have faith that I will be okay but I am not sure it is natural for me to feel so confident about it. Life is not particularly easy and it is expensive. The fact that I am also relocating to one of the most expensive cities in the country to make my new home in, is going to be a challenge as well.

 

Is there is a difference in the prospect of institutionalization between people who simply have a taste of confinement versus those who call it ‘home’? At this point, I’m not so sure. Regardless, it’s seriously thought provoking – isn’t it?

Visitation

I spent this past Saturday visiting with my mom and her boyfriend. The day was pretty good. We spent the day catching  up on everything on the home front and talking about the New Year that is upon us. When we hugged at the end of our 8 hour day together, I couldn’t help but to look around. I saw the same group of inmates and the oh so dedicated families, spouses and what not. Realistically, I would say there is only 1% of us that have that support in our lives. The fact of the matter is that most are completely alone here. Even though I don’t care for the majority of the inmate population, I can’t help but to wonder if they would change, be better in some way, if they just had somebody there to support them.  

In the 11 years I have been in prison, I have had somewhere around 500 visits. I sometimes take them for granted and there are times when I am not even up to it. When I look around, I feel differently though. I mean, when I get out of here, I know I will not be taking anything for granted anymore. So why wouldn’t I be doing that in here as well? I don’t know… it was a reality check for me.

The time and money spent to visit with me for 8 hours is crazy when I think about it. In all, it’s around $100. To fill up the gas tank, and they bring $50. in quarters so we can eat & drink from the vending machines all day. It’s a 3 hour drive to the prison which means they are up at 4:00 AM to be here by 8:00 AM. They leave at 4:00 PM only to spend another $100.00 to fill the tank for the 3 hour drive back to civilization. It is a 16 hour day by the time it’s all over. It’s an awful lot to take for granted.

’Life has a way of working itself out’

Monday, December 16, 2013

 

My mother recently shared with me her retirement plans.  After this discussion, I sat down and did the math. If I have figured it out correctly – it  means I will have only two years of freedom to get my own life together before she retires. Inevitably, I will be responsible for her and I am okay with that. Reality is though that I have no idea what that will entail. There is no way to prepare for that really and yet, it is something that I have to seriously think about.

What is more important; her quality of life – or my new life as a free man? How can I successfully merge these two critical goals? Can that be done even? Really, it’s not a matter of ‘can’, but ‘how?’.

 

Life supposedly has a way of working itself out though – right? I should try not to allow these thoughts to consume me and yet, it can all be so overwhelming.  I have nobody to blame but myself though. I could have already established myself and been ready for this had I not been so completely stupid. There is no point in playing the ‘what if?’ game so I will leave it at that.

‘The future; it’s a hindrance’

Monday, December 16, 2013

If you are reading this, then I humbly ask you to take a moment and step outside of yourself. Tell yourself that you are an ex-felon; that you have just spent 16 years in prison and far away from society. Consider that you will have to find ways to raise revenue to support yourself. Also consider that the challenges of finding a job paying much more than minimum wage will be near impossible because of your past. 

 

What would you do?

 

For those of you who have been following me since the inception of this blog, you know that psychology is my passion. My mother and a couple of my aunts are determined to have me re-register for school at Ohio University and work toward my Psychology degree. I keep telling myself that it may very well become a useless degree though because of my history. Explaining that to them, has become more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

As I stated previously, I feel I should focus on being my own boss and really hone in on my aspirations for becoming an athletic trainer.  I somehow need to communicate that to certain people whose opinion I respect highly.

 

What to do? I will keep you all posted.

‘The discontinuation of a quest’

Monday, December 16, 2013

As crazy as it may sound, I have always had that gene inside of myself telling me that having a boyfriend, or being in a relationship, was a sign of accomplishment. I always believed that it would equate to happiness or status. Whatever the case, it was certainly ridiculous in my head. 

I watch these men in here go out of their minds with their relationship issues and then, I look at myself. Why would I want to allow somebody outside of this place have any control over my emotions when dealing with this environment is already challenging enough? I have been completely illogical for far too long. When I sit and think about it, in its entirety, what does it really mean to be in a relationship with someone in prison? There is no sex, no intimacy, no sharing of everyday experiences. The concept is so astounding to me because it is completely psychological.

We, as inmates, get to say that we are in a ‘relationship’ and in that, we are also saying that somebody outside these walls, cares about us. It’s almost like a status symbol in here to be able to say that we have someone outside of here, who is unrelated, that loves us.

I hate that I feel like I need someone in my life because I don’t. I have the most amazing friends and family. I’m so much less stressed when I am not trying to find that connection with someone anyway. Most importantly, though I am only lying to myself. My standards are impossible to meet for men outside these walls – Why in the world would I think that I could ever meet someone whilst still serving out my sentence?

UGH. I’m done.

Where is this coming from? It stems from a compilation of things. It is primarily due to the fact that I am lonely. But I confuse the loneliness with wanting a relationship – and it’s not really about that at all. It is so much bigger that a relationship with another person.

I am tired of living around people that I have absolutely nothing in common with, who have a complete lack of communication skills. I rarely have a conversation with someone in here without having to dumb myself down. When I do that, the overall perception is that I am intentionally making people feel stupid and that I must think I am better than they are.

I am better that they are though…. Right? Maybe I am not? Maybe I am a total loser? After all, I am in orange. I am a convicted felon – and despite the fact that my crime was an accident, I am classified as a murderer. Wow.  That pretty much sounds like a loser to me.  Again….lying to myself. The fact that I have support and love from family and friends says that I am lucky, nothing more really. That in mind, I think the whole loneliness thing is exactly what we are supposed to be feeling in prison. 

Exile, alienation and all that… we just experience it in very different ways. Think about this; how long can a psychiatrist study and live among their patients before they go a little crazy themselves?

I don’t know. Perhaps I am having an epiphany, but its how I am feeling currently.

‘My Future’

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Come the 1^st of the new year, I will have 5 years remaining on my sentence. That may seem like a great deal of time to many people, but in comparison to the time I have already served, it is going to go by very quickly.

Release is – and always has been, the biggest challenge for people who are incarcerated. It seems that nobody is taught the proper skills for reentering society. For those who have no means, family, education or work skills, the chance for them to re-offend is very high and recidivism is likely. I know that I am in a fantastic position, blessed in fact. 

I have a number of family and friends willing to take me in and help me get back on my feet. I am educated and I do have some work skills. 

The easy things I have already decided upon. My destination will be Boston, Massachusetts. I will be living with my friend Joey initially. We will both have to make some concessions to each other but I think it will actually be the best decision for me. We have spoken about it and it will, no doubt, be an adventure.  Moving in with my mother is a distant option. She will have to be living in Boston and established there prior to my release for me to even consider it. The thought of the both of us starting over in a new city is a huge undertaking. One that I would hate to take on.

But now the toughest decision remains hanging in the balance; what in the world am I going to do for work? I candidly admit that it this decision terrifies me the most. It’s not as ex-offenders have their picks of jobs. I would love to work for myself. I have a passion for fitness and intuitively, I keep coming back to becoming an athlete or a personal trainer. Beginning that at the age of 37 though, is what gives me pause. I think it’s what I am supposed to do though. I feel it. In any case, the clock is ticking and I need to get on the ball.

A part of me loves the idea that I am not sure how my life will turn out, but like so many, I am incredibly anxious about it.