Though I am off work this week, I am still busy as hell; "I have been inundated with other people’s problems."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Our boss has to fill in for an officer on maternity leave so John and I are off all week. I had plans to read, write and work out until my body could take no more. That has not been possible to do. Instead, I have been inundated with other people’s problems. It’s Thursday morning and the issues continue to come in.

Problem breakdown;

Sunday food visit; I have a friend here, who I do my best to keep ‘in line’. He desperately wants to be ‘somebody’, regardless how hard I try to sway him away from that desire. His wife was apprehended at the visitor check in, bringing in contraband. They apparently seized a couple of small bottles of alcohol from her. To make matters worse, the woman that she gave a ride to, was discovered to have narcotics in her vaginal canal. (I suspect she was trying to bring this in to whomever she was visiting.) In any case, the situation is bad and really, I have no sympathy for anyone because, as readers know, I am not a fan of drugs, not even spice. Still, my friend is now on edge and has been in constant need of hand holding. I am not a hand holding type of guy when I feel you blatantly brought these problems upon yourself. I will support him because he is my friend but the boy is suffocating me. Eventually the investigators will interview him and it is quite possible that he will be moved to a higher custody level yard somewhere in the state.

Monday Evening; An older white man made the mistake of picking up someone else’s sweatshirt. He truly believed it was his. The owner however, was dead set convinced that he was trying to steal it and would not let it go. Shortly thereafter, a few white guys beat the crap out of him literally and it was incredibly sad. It should never have happened but I have no say in how the white’s take care of their own problems. I was disgusted though.

Tuesday Morning; A white guy came to John begging for help. He is $310.00 in debt to the blacks. This guy went top John strategically knowing that John and I are best friends. It took me the better part of 4 hours to go around and speak to everyone he owes money to and get them to back off. I assured them that they would be paid in time and to be patient. I only did this to help out John. Dealing with the blacks in prison when it comes to money is incredibly challenging. They have no tolerance but they cannot go against my requests so, at least I have bought this guy some time, on John’s behalf. At this point, all I can say is that the money will hopefully be paid back. I cannot intercede on his behalf anymore.

Wednesday Afternoon; Since I am so often at work, and off the yard, I am not aware of how many of my ‘Brotha’s ‘ are getting trivial disciplinary tickets. They range from not being clean shaved, to sagging pants, out of place or not wearing their IDs. These tickets are warranted so I had to have a “Come to Jesus” meeting with some of the youngsters who are behaving like knuckleheads. It is not hard to walk around the yard and be in compliance. They need to get with the program because these trivial tickets can boost their points up quickly and before they know it, they will be relocated to a level 4 maximum custody yard. I have been on max yards and a lot of these youngsters have no idea what they are getting themselves into.

Anyway, it’s been busy here and today has only just begun. I wonder what today will bring for me?

When the past comes back, it is not always a bad thing; "The ‘What ifs’ are interesting to think about though."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

My ex partner and I have always sporadically been in contact since our break up. He is a good man who was supportive of me, but the demise of our relationship was twofold; we both made mistakes along the way and the accident was seemingly, the icing on the cake. Initially our communication was confusing for me because our love and memories complicated things. Now though, I believe we are in a really good place. He is a friend and that simple, yet powerful fact surprises me. The very fact that we have a history and have been able to see one another evolve, grow and become better versions of ourselves adds to that bond.

The past year or so, we have been in more steady contact and he has been out to visit a few times. He is relocating to NYC next week from San Francisco for a new job and I am thrilled for him. This coming Saturday will likely be the last time I will see him for a good while, so I am looking forward to that for sure.

As I was speaking to him on the phone yesterday, he asked; “Do you think if the accident had not happened that we’d be doing the whole marriage and kids thing?” I paused and then said that I didn’t think so because I would have inevitably messed things up between the two of us. I stated that it’s quite possible that if not for the accident, that ha and I might not even be in contact at all. After a period of silence, he agreed. Again, I have no idea where my life would be or what I’d be doing if I was not here. I do not harp on those possibilities… The ‘What ifs’ are interesting to think about though.

Right now, today, all I think about is what’s to come. That is what gives me peace of mind. This life is not ‘it’ for me, but if not for it, well, I have no idea where I’d be. Is that something to be thankful for?

Where would I be right now, if I wasn't here today?

Thursday, February 14, 2013

This is a question that I ask myself a lot and it is not always an easy question to answer. There is no denying the fact that if not for my accident, I would not be the man that I am today. I would not have matured in the same way, or had the time to really discover who I am as a person. So much of what I was doing prior to coming to prison was simply ‘keeping up with the Jones’.  Everything was about that moment in time and not about the next day, week or even year. Some would say that it is normal behavior for a 20 year old. The difference for me, was that I was in a real relationship at that time. That in mind, I had little balance to my life.

Looking back, I would have given anything to be able to have done things differently. Since I do not have that luxury, I will have to take everything that I have learned and take it with me as I embark on the next chapter of my life when I am released.

I am really looking forward to that.

Today is Valentine’s Day and even though it is a completely manufactured holiday, I went back through my memory rolodex to the good Valentine’s Days that I once had. It is just one more thing that I took for granted. Oh well. At least I am not overly sentimental about it.

"I do"; 'There has been an overwhelming amount of marriage applications coming through'

Monday, February 4, 2013

My 49ers could not hang on for the Superbowl. Watching the game was so difficult and I suppose I should be happy with the fact that we came back from being down a whopping 22 points. We still did not have victory though. Oh well. There is always next season and no matter what, win lose, or tie, it’s Niners til I die!

It’s 5:00 AM and I have been up since 4:00 AM. John has just gone out for a run and will be back in time for us to get to work by 6:00 AM. Being that it is Monday, I’m almost certain that my inbox at work is full. There is something in the air of the new year too because there has been an overwhelming amount of marriage applications coming through. It’s really crazy to see so many of the guys I live around getting married. Sadly, the only real thoughts I have are in wondering who these women are that want to marry some of these guys.

Besides work, I will just take it easy and see what the day brings. I am still bound and determined to have a good month.

 

The OG vs the Fish; "We are expected to act first and ask questions later.."

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Yesterday, I was speaking with one of my ‘OG’s”(Old Guards); one of the people whom I have to answer to. There are only two of them. We were speaking about some drama that is occurring on the yard. John made a comment that caused my ‘OG’ to put him in check verbally. I thought John was going to shit his pants. Afterwards, I told John that he needs to remember that not all people are going to be receptive to his input. To many, he is still considered a “fish”, meaning a new inmate.

Even for me, I could never let certain people know that I talk things out, or even get advice at times from John. It would be a violation because I am considered an ‘OG’. I have experienced everything there is to see and have been to super max facilities that most will never see. We are expected to act first and ask questions later. I do not do that, but I have learned to give the believable impression that I do. That is where my aggressive observation comes in handy. I always need to know what guys are going to do before they know it themselves.

John is okay of course and I would never, ever allow anything to happen to him. Still, it was a reality check for him.

Another long day

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I am pretty tired  and yet I am still awake at 5:00 AM. People are stirring in their beds and likely debating on whether or not they want to be first in line for breakfast. It’s pancake day so the majority of the yard will go. It is the one breakfast that is actually okay and recognizable to the eye.

Yesterday was exhausting. It seemed as though every inmate needed  or wanted something so our office continued to have a revolving door for the better part of the day. I suppose it made the day go by faster, but it was draining. Upon my return to the dorm, I found a letter from one of my new pen pals, Dre and that was great. I got another quick workout in and then was asked to cut a friend of mine, Buck’s hair.

Technically I am not supposed to cut his hair because he is white. The ‘Head’ of the whites however, is also a friend of mine, and views me as exempt. Imagine that! So, as I was giving Buck a fade, a couple of other white guys asked me for haircuts as well.  I asked them to get permission and they did. Before I realized it, I had four people waiting to get their hair cut and I am not the barber! I do however know how to cut hair well, even though it is not my favorite thing to do.

By the time I was beginning my 3^rd haircut, John could see that I was going to be awhile so he began cooking dinner; roast beef sandwiches.  I finished cutting hair by 7:00 PM, showered and settled in for ‘The Bachelor’. I know its terrible, but everyone watches it. That was followed up ‘The Following’ and ‘Deception’.

I began writing Dre back around 10:00 PM and went to bed around 1:00 AM. So yeah, I am tired.

I do not have to be at work today until noon, but a friend of mine arrived here yesterday from another yard and I need to catch up with him. I will fill him in on everything that is going on and make sure that he has everything he needs. I also need to pick up some things at the inmate store, swing by property and call home to check in.

John is still asleep in his bed just to the right of me. He has been very active in his sleep lately and even lacerated his forehead the other night because he hit his head on the edge of his desk. It didn’t even wake him up. I have been keeping an eye on him.

The fear of consequence will only last so long..

Sunday, February 3, 2013

If you have been reading along, then you know that there was a series of really unfortunate and violent events here last month. Things got so bad that the administration had us on Lockdown status for about 10 days straight and even took everyone’s privileges away for an entire weekend. That is very rare.

Since then, things have certainly calmed down. The big question that needs to be asked here though, is how long will that calm last? So many men here are continually making bad choices that would normally receive some form of physical discipline. Being that they are being given a ‘pass’ of sorts, a lot more guys are doing the craziest things because they know that they will get away with it. Basically, there is a domino effect occurring and I fear that it will all come to a head soon.

I have given this situation a great deal of thought and in the end, there is no winning. It will simply go round and round. The administration has to do everything in their power to keep us relatively safe. The ‘shot callers’ within the inmate population want to make sure that everyone is behaving as they should.

There is no fix here.

The days really go by so much easier when you have things to look forward to.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

This month will be really great for me. On top of the fact that my football team will be in the Superbowl today, I have a lot of things to look forward to.

My best friend in the world, Joe, will be here from Boston on the 23^rd and 24^th. Our friend Aiden, will be here on the 26^th but he will only be visiting with my mom. Still, I am oddly happy about that. We have food visit on Sunday the 10^th so Mom, and the rest of the ‘Fam Bam’ will be here with al of my favorite foods to feed me. That is always a good time.

There are also a couple of really interesting guys who have reached out to me whom I have responded to. I am waiting to hear back from them. The most intriguing is a guy named Rich who is originally from Boston but currently living in Las Vegas.

Yes, this should be a really wonderful month!

FOOD VISIT!!!!!!

My state of employment is uncertain...

Monday, January 28, 2013

John and I have not worked for a couple of weeks now. I am sitting at my desk in my run, ready to go, but considering that it is already 7:30 AM, it’s not looking very promising. I have never been a fan of uncertainty so the fact that our boss has not had the common courtesy to communicate with us is irritating me to no end.

Over the past couple of months, it has become obvious that our boss has lost his drive. Hell, we all have in a way when it comes to work. Still, it does serve to break up my day so it would be nice to get back to my old schedule. In my gut though, I do not see that really happening anytime soon. The time is coming for me to make a final decision in regard to whether I stop working all together and focus on writing my book – or simply continue on hanging in the balance.

Keeping the displaced aggression in check; "When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. "

Monday, January 28, 2013

Toward the end of last week, it became clear to me that I was losing my composure. I mean, I do my best to everyday with a smile on my face, I find myself repeating a line that Anne Bancroft (one of my favorite actresses) used to say; “I never did mind about the little things…”  Problem is, without realizing it, all those little things have built up – hidden inside of me somewhere. When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. In my case, I cannot tell you what my recent trigger was. It happened so fast.

There was nothing physical or violent; simply mental and in turn, emotional. Once I was doen with my verbal tirade, I simply shut down. That in mind, I have been incredibly antisocial since Thursday. Mom and Kevin were here yesterday and they could tell I was not in the best space mentally. Ironically, Mom had already spoken to my friend Joe and was aware that I was not doing well. Rather than asking what was going on, she simply said that she and Joe wanted me to try and stay positive and to manage my temper.

There is no doubt – that was the icing on the cake.

Here’s the deal. I know that my friends and family love me and always want the best for me. Sometimes I think I have over-shared about this experience with them. In this circumstance, I most definitely had.

Up until yesterday, we had been on a complete lockdown for 10 days. Since the 1^st of the year, we have had deaths, serious assaults, overdoses etc. It is expected that all of these things will happen in prison, but lately, it has been happening at an overwhelming rate. I have no problem being locked down when I am alone. But when I am surrounded by 36 idiots who are running around high and acting stupid, and who also have incredibly bad hygiene….  Well, it’s not exactly pleasant. Halfway through our lockdown, all of our toilets broke down. On top of that, our ventilation system failed so we had no air circulation (in fact, we still don’t…) Needless to say, the aroma in my run is an assault to the senses.

Strangely, I found myself apologizing to myself before my meltdown, but I had to let it all out. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Do I wish my friends and family understood more? You betcha. But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. It’s something that I have to deal with. After all, it’s my fault that I am here in the first place.

 

Getting back to normal; my "Normal"; "By the end of the day, I was mentally fried."

Friday, January 25, 2013

The yard was officially placed back onto normal operations yesterday morning. My day however was incredibly irritating. When I complained about it to John, he reminded me that everything that I was complaining about, has always gone on, but due to our long lockdown, I had become spoiled. I couldn’t believe he said that, but after I sat down to give it some thought, I realized that he was right. I had to acknowledge that.

From the moment the yard opened, everyone all of a sudden needed me for something. “Can you help me with this?”, “Can you fix this, fix that?”, “Can you talk to this person for me?”, “Do you have this?”, “What’s going on with that?”… I mean, it was seriously nonstop. It went on and on!

As I was working out outside at the dip bars, I was interrupted almost between every set. I don’t know it just seemed like I had to hold everyone’s hand and it really got to me. By the end of the day, I was mentally fried and tried to stay up to take some advantage of the peace and quiet, but my eyes would not stay open.

I have no idea as to when I will be going back to work. I spoke to a lieutenant this morning and she informed me that my boss is covering someone else’s position while they are on maternity leave. The fact that he did not communicate that with me or John bothered me, but there is not much I can do about it. It’s not as if we are a priority or anything. Guys in orange are never a priority unless we do something bad. In any case, there is a possibility that we will not work in weeks which will probably end up driving me crazy. Again, I have no control.