'The Bookworm That I Am'

Monday, January 27, 2014

I am half way through one of the best books that I have ever read. It is called ‘The Goldfinch’, by Donna Tartt. I have read easily over a thousand books throughout my incarceration and in my own way, I have become somewhat of a critic. Anyway, it has become more and more challenging for me to truly enjoy just any fiction book because I have read so many. ‘The Goldfinch’ however, is incredibly well written, and for an epic tale, it does not get boring. It will be added to my top 5 books.

That list would be comprised of the following, beginning with my favorite book that I have ever read:

‘She’s Come Undone’ – by Wally Lamb

‘The Room’ – by Emma Donoghue

 

 

 

 

 

‘Middlesex’ – by Jeffrey Eugenides

 

 

 

 

‘The Poisonwood Bible’ – by Barbara Kingsolver

 

 

 

 

‘The Goldfinch’ – by Donna Tartt

 

 

 

 

 

Each novel is different, well written, powerful and very thought provoking. Books are usually very personal in that the reader can appreciate certain qualities within the content. For me, I suppose it would be fair to say that each novel was successful in causing me to be more circumspect about my own life.

That, is always a good thing for me.

'Men, Pen Pals and Relationships'

Monday, January 20, 2014

A lot of people wonder about these particular topics when it comes to me and I have always had difficulty being clear about them. I think it’s time that I share my thoughts and beliefs once and for all. So as not to confuse my readers, I am going to break them down into specific segments.

It is no secret that I am a gay man. In fact, I’d say I am very secure and confident with my sexual orientation. So much so, in fact, that I tend to not give it much thought and feel as if it doesn’t really add to how I identify with myself.  I am attracted to men though and beyond just the physical, I am drawn to strong, confident; masculine and driven men. He should be thought provoking, challenging but also, understanding and compassionate. He should also have a great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at himself.

Over the years, I had many pen pals from all different walks of life. There have been so many men I have lost count and only (1) that stuck with me from the beginning.  (He has not been in the ‘pen pal’ category for years now...) They come in and out of my life much like tissue paper. Though they are all intrinsically different, many of them share a common thread: loneliness. Through their own words, I learn that there is clearly something missing in their lives and those who do share their loneliness - somehow feel I will fix or fill that emptiness. It can sometimes turn out to be a rollercoaster of emotion. In a few cases, they end up developing feelings for me and wanting something more serious. I say ‘okay’ and in about 6 months, they fall off. At this point, it has happened so many times that I can count on it and can almost perfectly predict when things will end.

I still write and communicate but I have become jaded and now, I have no ending expectations. It’s okay. I have accepted it and I am really better off looking at things that way. Who knows? Maybe I am helping these guys move on in some way?

 

I have only been in one long term relationship. It was with a good guy that I loved very much. The problem was that I didn’t love myself at that time and was living my life for all the wrong reasons. We both made mistakes. I will love him forever because if not for the experiences I had with him, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

My present outlook on relationships is good but I am leery at the same time. I do believe that two men can be in a monogamous and committed relationship but there has to be genuine sexual fulfillment. Men are visual and primal. As much as I hate to say this, we should do our best to maintain ourselves physically. Sexual appetites should be discussed and established as should any particular interests. My mom used to tell me; “what one person won’t do, another will.” I think it’s true. If you are unwilling to do something for your partner, the odds are high that in time, he will find someone who will.

I think that couples need to learn how to argue with each other about (1) topic at a time. I think they should resist pushing one another’s buttons and do their best not to go to bed mad at one another.

I have an old soul so I am a big believer in marriage and commitment to one person. I love the thought of sharing my life with someone and knowing that they will be there for me, as I will be there for them. I used to believe that I needed a relationship to feel ‘complete’ or successful in life. That has changed now. All I had to do was learn who I was. I learned that there is a big difference between needing and wanting something.

Funny that I learned that in prison.

'The Principle Characters of My Life'

Monday, January 20, 2014

My BFF Joey asked me recently; ‘If a movie was made of my life – who would star in the principle roles?’

Thinking about it was kind of bizarre really but I think I came up with a decent cast actually. The other question was really; “who” do I consider to be the principle roles of my life?

 

In any case, I gave it my best shot and here they are:

Mom – Susan Sarandon

Kevin – Lawrence Fishburn

Joe (Dad) – John Travolta

Me – David Justice

Jan – Tina Fey

Deb T – Ellen Barkin

Deb W – Renee Russo

Joey – Greg Kinnear

Mark (ex) – Rupert Everett

 

There you have it. Mind you, in the real world, there would never be a movie with all of these people in it together, but that is how I would see it if it were my choice. My life may be extraordinary – but I wouldn’t say it’s movie worthy. It was fun to think about though.

'Orange is not the new black!'

Monday, January 13, 2014

Believe me, I get the metaphor. I have read the book; ‘Orange is the New Black’ and think the television series is amazing. Let me say though, as someone who is a self acclaimed male clothing whore, to wake up and have to wear orange, every day, for this many years, is horrendous. I cannot imagine ever wearing a shade of orange anything once I am released! I am confident in saying that I won’t even want to be around anyone wearing orange. And I thank God everyday that my respective favorite sports teams have no orange in their team color palettes.

I really don’t believe there is an article of clothing that I miss wearing most. If I had to, I would say a beautiful Dolce & Gabbana suit I had. I used to “swag” it up by wearing a basic white V neck and all white Addidas tennis shoes with it. I miss the way it felt on me and the versatility of it. I’d wear the jacket all the time with jeans and it was great. I really miss good underwear too.

Unfortunately, when I am released, I will be developing my wardrobe from scratch. For one, my body has grown and well, filled out considerably to the point where I am no longer a 28” waist. I am now a 32” waist but my thighs have also grown so it may prove tricky. It will certainly be an adventure I suppose. On the plus side, there are some people that received a beautiful selection of clothing donated to them when my mom finally gave up holding them for me.

C’est la vie.

'A Not So Typical Mother-Son Relationship'

Monday, January 13, 2014
 
This past Saturday, I was on the phone with my mom talking about my biological father. This is a chapter of our lives from 30 years ago and I think both of us realized the ride we have been on since then.
In the beginning, I idolized her. She was beautiful, popular, stylish, strong and rebellious in her own right. I was clearly her little man. She raised me as an adult and as a best friend. When I look back, I think it worked for us. At the same time though, I was still able to take heed when she was putting on the proverbial “mother” hat.

As she developed a relationship with the man I was to call my father, I still came first in everything. When he died, it served to reaffirm the bond that she and I had.

When it came to acceptance, she was the best. She supported my modeling, my homosexuality and whatever else I chose to do. We socialized together regularly in comingled social circles as well as individually and it worked.

Coming to prison changed the dynamic in ways that made the both of us admit that some things became pretty difficult. It was no longer a team effort. I needed her, but could no longer be there for her. At the time, I was too stunned at my circumstances to truly realize what my incarceration had done. Over the years though, it has become clear that she stopped living her life, almost as if she had come to prison with me. She immersed herself in her work and has remained there since. Sometimes the pressure, and yes, the guilt of that is too much for me to bear. On a rare occasion, I can motivate her to go out and do something. When she does, she shops for clothes and shoes but unfortunately goes nowhere to wear them.

She has refused to leave Arizona until I am released and that – is final.

Understand that the realization of this only began to sink in about 4 years ago. It was at that time that I began to see a change in roles. It was as if my maturity had skyrocketed and I evolved metaphysically into a parental position. The irony in this is that I have had to readjust my behavior, my expectations etc..

I try to think how our lives would be if I hadn’t come to prison because I know this incarceration has had such an impact on our relationship.

I see her now at visit and she is still beautiful, strong, popular stylish and rebellious. Behind the designer shades though, her eyes are sad and tired. That is from my doing, I am no longer her little man. I am her incarcerated son; her child. It took 33 years to form that aspect of our relationship.

The Man in the Mirror

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

‘The man in the Mirror’

As I stood shirtless before one the many bathroom mirrors this morning, brushing my teeth and washing the sleep off of my face, I locked eyes with myself. I began to quickly analyze the man I have become.

I am older now, but in a good way. There is no mistaking me for a boy, or somebody in their 20’s. I feel as though I am a handsome man, but that could be because I am surrounded by men who have not taken good care of themselves in life. I have an impenetrable look that can be taken as cold or intimidating. Over the years, the color of my eyes have become lighter and yet, they appear to be almost lonely. There is no denying that I have secrets which I guard very closely. I maneuver throughout each day as if I am completely unaffected by all that goes on around me. But it is all a lie. I have simply become an excellent actor.

The honest truth is that over the past year or so, I have become so good at keeping up appearances that even my friends and family think that I am “okay”. Really, I have just become tired of complaining or talking about my ‘stuff’. I am the only one who can work on me, so I do that on my own. I have chosen this.

I am incredibly driven physically and determined mentally to be the best David that I can be. For now, that means baby steps for me. Again, I have chosen this.

There is so much good within me, but I repress that here. I have developed the ability to know the difference between right and wrong, truth and a lie, reality and fantasy. I am a positive thinking man in a negative thinking environment.  I feel dirty all of the time. It feels like there is a permanent layer of filth upon my skin; a layer of drugs, deceit, grime and rotting teeth. A layer that I will never be able to escape until the day I walk away from this place.

My tattoos tell a story in the mirror reflection. They are bold and unique; rebellious but beautiful. They are both telling and secretive. Soon, my shirt will hide them again and, as I slide my glasses upon my face, the real David will also slide back inside for safe keeping.

Alone, but safe.

That is my man in the mirror.

Being gay in prison – Is it as challenging as it sounds?

Friday, January 3, 2014

Being gay in prison – Is it as challenging as it sounds? The simple answer is yes. Still, the answer deserves more attention than that though, so I will do my best to explain.

As a gay man coming into prison, you have some options as far as how to proceed through incarceration.

1^st Option; Digress back into the closet completely, reel in any of the effeminate mannerisms and characteristics, become a straight man for all intent and purposes. As a means of survival, I think it can be acceptable in this situation for those who truly can commit to becoming someone else.

2^nd Option; Enter prison being true to who you are and immediately become hitched to someone who will protect you so long as you are their ‘property’. Responsibilities become very wife-like i.e. cooking, cleaning, laundry and sex. Remember that there is no divorce in prison though without serious consequences which usually result on serious physical assault.

3^rd Option; Enter prison being true to who you are and stand your ground as far as remaining on your own. You will have to fight a lot initially because people will test you all the time. As a gay man, we are seen as weak and feminine. So you have to prove yourself worthy of acceptance to the heterosexual population. Along with fighting, you should be able to think, act and speak for yourself. You will be judged at everything: how you play sports, workout, wear your clothing, speak, shake hands etc. All of your behavior can be seen as “gay” or “weak” so be clear on who you are andstick to it. Our reputations are everything in here.

I suppose a great many of you are wondering what option I took. I chose Option 3. To be clear though, I had no idea of what options I had when I first came into prison. All I knew was that I had a high profile case and the media had mentioned that I was a gay male. I figured it would come back to haunt me – so I decided to just be ‘me’. None of it was easy and I have been in more physical altercations than I care to admit. After a few years though, the population began to talk and eventually the word gets out that you can hold your own in a fight. At that point, the fights begin to slow down.

Straight men who come into prison are also challenged, but they are given the benefit of the doubt. Gay men walk head first into war as their own personal gladiator. Once you accept that you are on your own, it can be liberating in a way. Your survival is all up to you so when you ‘make it’, well, it’s a pretty surreal feeling. Even now, after all these years, I look in the mirror at least once a day in awe that I have made it this far.

If someone told me years ago that one of the biggest accomplishments that I would have done in my life is surviving 16 years in prison, I would have laughed and then began describing the many ways in which I would likely have been killed on my first day.

In the final analysis, we, as human beings, whether we are straight, gay, transgender, striped, purple, green or whatever, we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We must have faith in ourselves. I made the choice to survive. 

I am surviving and I am doing so as a bi-racial, gay man in prison.