‘Personal Viewpoints’

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Over the years, I have been secretly trying to find the best possible “me” that I could find. For some of us, we need to work on that more diligently than others because somehow, we’ve lost our way. When that happens, I myself always have to start back at square one. Once I started becoming truly honest with myself, it was rather easy. I took a deep breath and accepted that I know who I am, how I feel and think etc... I needed to be true to these things in order to be genuine with “David”.

Evolution happens whether we like it or not. It’s one of those things that will forever be out of our control to a certain extent. In my own humble way, I have learned to accept and embrace change. I know that things will invariably change and so, in order to remain positive about it, and not fear it, I have instead, chosen to look forward to it. That said, I have evolved in my own individual way and that’s alright. No matter what changes occur, I have already acknowledged a baseline of my own personal viewpoints in life. Everything branches off of these ideas as they are fundamental to who I am.

Here are some of my own personal viewpoints. You can agree or disagree, but either way – you will ultimately learn a great deal about me through these convictions:

Life is – about the destination

Competition is – winning

Vanity is – Looking your best is very important

Relationships are – Essential. Partnering with someone is the core foundation of one’s happiness. The security of knowing someone is there – is key

Physical Fitness is – Vital. Working out/exercise enhances your overall appearance and makes you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically

Wealth is – Defined by what you own and achieve

Cleaning is – Critical. An orderly environment enables you to think more clearly, feel organized and in control

Status is – Tangible. You are always being judged by others on your socioeconomic position in society

Happiness is – Being in control of your life and destiny and being able to change things when needed.

My vision, my core values and life experience can in some way be pinged off of – or to – one of these statements. I make no apologies for my viewpoints because it is what I believe. There is no way of telling whether these ideas were spurned by environmental influence or not but I believe that most people are molded to think one way or another from a very young age. It is possible that I was influenced throughout my childhood and it has become what I believe as an adult. This is me – after my individuality and life experience was blended up with my moral compass.

Outlook on life can, and will change. This I know. There is no way to compare a life behind bars to that of someone for example, with terminal cancer. The viewpoints would be completely divergent in every way. The core values of simply wanting to live however, may still be the same. 

It’s all very thought provoking and well, uncanny.

‘New for 2015’

Saturday, January 10, 2015

At the moment, things in my life are okay. For the new year, I began a new job working as the clerk in the mail and property office. The position so far has been wonderful because I feel as though I am accomplishing something everyday. The hours are 6-2, Monday – Thursday and 12-8 PM on Friday. Personally I love this schedule as it affords me the opportunity to work out/train daily and still have time to write, read and take care of other miscellaneous tasks. Since taking this new job, I have noticed a decided uptick in my mood and so, I am embracing this change.

On New Year’s Day, I took my 1,000 page police report that I have been toting around for all these years and finally threw it away. I believe it was one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had while being incarcerated and it felt as if a weight was being lifted. It’s not as if I am trying to forget why I am here… That is consciously impossible. I just didn’t need it anymore and I could no longer come up with a solid reason to hold onto it. Mentally, it was as if I was telling myself that the chapter is closed, that everything from here on out – is about the future and not – the past.

Mom has officially embraced the notion of being completely relocated to Boston within the next 346 days. She has assigned this particular timeline to adhere to and I think her energy is good. She deserves the opportunity to be as happy as possible and truthfully, she cannot achieve that here in Arizona. Her house is going up for sale and she is on a new mission.

Over and above all of that, I am really doing my best to stay focused on the present and the future. My natural instinct has always been to look back at what once was. I mean, the present was the equivalent to a personal Purgatory and the future seemed unreachable. It was all psychological but I couldn’t fight it successfully. Now, in 2015, I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may be wondering what it is about 2015 exactly. I can’t really say for sure. The fact that I have 3 only years remaining I guess, is so mind boggling to me. It’s almost over.

Lastly, I really have been committing myself to my Judaic studies. I won’t say that I am becoming religious, because I am definitely not. I am however embracing the concept of my faith and for once, feeling like I have a clear and concise understanding about it. There is no doubt in my mind that it has helped me to organize my thoughts and put everything into perspective. 

Funny, the things that can motivate and trigger change within us….

‘I need to know: Am I worth it?’

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

 

Every day that passes, I am one day closer to my new life. I have grown so much over the years of incarceration and now, when I look in the mirror, I see a man who wants to make so much out of his life. I have a vision, a plan and I know how I am going to execute it upon my release. There is no doubt that I can accomplish the life that I see for myself and yet I wonder at times – if I am deserving of it? 

“Am I worth it?” has been a question that now lingers in the back of my mind.

This revelation will not hinder my ambition but rather, simply fuel my drive to continue to improve upon who I am. I like myself and more importantly, I know who I am. That is something that I have struggled with a lot in my past. My morals have evolved and the things that bring happiness to my life… well, they are no longer ‘things’. I cannot lie though: I love material things. It is a part of who I am… but I no longer view them in the same way.

My Flaws: I am impossibly logical in thinking and do not fare well having to utilize the creative, right brain thinking side of my brain when needed. I am stubborn, intense, and strong in mind, body and soul. I can be very judgmental with the people whom I love and care for because, I believe, I expect more from them, It may be unfair, but it is true. I rarely give acts of violence a second thought because now, I understand the psychology behind it. (That does not mean I am an advocate for it…) Lastly, my appearance and image: it is more important to me than it probably should be.

My Qualities: I am intelligent, meticulous and responsible. I am a natural “go getter” and have no problem going after something that I truly want. I have great self discipline and I am loyal, compassionate, loving and understanding. I am open minded and accepting of all races, religions and lifestyles. I know how to listen carefully and then deliver guidance and advice. At this point in my life, I would also say that my ‘street smarts’ are very proportionate to my curricular learning. 

Yes, I am and always will be a ‘convicted felon’ for the rest of my life. Only recently have I begun to incorporate that into my way of thinking. In considering ways to promote myself, develop my brand etc. I have concluded and expressed that I want to represent myself authentically when I am released.

Am I good enough to be able to do this and still be successful? Have I done enough self-improvement? Am I worth this ‘second life’ that I have headed my way?

Right now, well, I am smiling… because I think I am.

‘The Scarlet Color’

Saturday, August 30, 2014

I have been experiencing a lot of new things lately. 

My new job is very demanding and the jury is out on whether or not I will actually like it. It does keep me busy though, and for now, it will suffice.

What is interesting is that I no longer work inside the prison. I now work for a large warehouse company off of the prison grounds. I leave every morning and work around ‘civilians’ who are very well aware that, because of my orange jumpsuit, I am a prisoner. It is a surreal experience and I am having difficulty embracing it.

Mentally I know that if I was in regular clothing that there would be no issues at all because I would simply blend in. Few people would meet me and think silently to themselves: “he looks like he’s been in prison…” That said, the orange attire I must wear, has become my own version of the ‘Scarlet Letter’. There is simply no avoiding it. What is awkward are those moments when I must take an authoritative role with a civilian coworker. It feels inappropriate. 

Subconsciously, I think I have convinced myself that somehow, civilians are better than me because I am the one who has been imprisoned.  There is no telling whether or not it is right or wrong to feel this way, but it is how I feel.

As a whole, I am certain that my feelings are manifested by a whole slew of things I am going through. It is highly possible that I am being overly sensitive about it.

‘On My Own’

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

“I’m on my own.”, “You are on your own.”…

I have been hearing these two phrases more and more lately and it’s really having a strange effect on me.. I feel like screaming to the world that “I GET IT! I’M ON MY OWN!!!” I can’t shake it for some reason. It is really beginning to effect my psyche. If there is in fact a subliminal message that I am not getting then I have no idea what it could be. In the past, I have feared being on my own, or alone. I viewed it as a negative thing but I have changed, I have to go back and explain some things.

12 Years Old:

Joe. I loved this man more than anything in the world. He was my best friend and the love of my mom’s world. I called him my ‘dad’.

The night that Joe died, mom was working the 7PM – 7AM shift at the hospital. Joe took me to play 18 holes of golf and when we got home it was around 9:00 PM. We ate dinner, showered and settled in. I fell asleep on the chaise lounge in his office while he was working at his computer.

It was around 3:00 AM when a loud thump woke me up. I got up, and as I walked past the master bedroom I noticed the door was open and the TV was on. When I entered, the bed was still made. I walked around to the master bathroom. Joe was still in his clothes but lying face down on the bathroom floor. His body was lifeless. Intuitively I knew he was dead, He was only 42 years old. I remained calm and tried to move him. I was unsuccessful, He was 6’4”, 260 lbs and I was still a boy. I eventually decided to give up and instead, to lay down next to him. I put my arm around him and stared into his face. I spoke to him, begged him not to leave us and then remained there in silence until I heard the garage door opening. Mom was home.

I got up and ran through the house. I arrived at the laundry room just as she was entering. When she saw my face, she asked me what was wrong. I told her that Joe had died. For the first and only time in my life, she had hit me. I flew into the dryer, stunned. She yelled at me and wanted to know why I would say such a horrible thing. She proceeded into the house. Moments later, as I lay on the laundry room floor, I heard her begin to scream. It seemed to go on forever.

Phone calls were made and within minutes, the police, coroner and friends all filled our house. Mom was inconsolable and I took care of as much as I could. Without realizing it, I completely disassociated myself and tried as best as I could, to be strong for my mom. As she cried in my arms that night, something darkened inside of me. I knew that we were on our own.

I have dealt with Joe’s death in my own personal way but it is still the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. It may come of a surprise to hear that coming to prison would be a very distant second.

33 Years Old:

I live methodically. I perform daily tasks alone, only having social interactions when someone needs my help or advice. It is common knowledge in here that I am not one for small talk. I keep occupied with letters, blogging, music and working out. Prison is my temporary home; it’s simply where I live. I am grateful for everything I have, but I am most definitely on my own in here. Loneliness consumes me most days but I have grown accustomed to it over the years. It’s become my ‘status quo’. It’s my version of “normal”.

37 Years Old:

It is difficult to hear how my release is going to impact everyone’s lives. They want me to succeed in life and I appreciate that. I feel an unsettling amount of responsibility at knowing that the changes they will be making are really to accommodate me. Those are lives that are established, lives of people who do not easily embrace change.

Mom

-      Uprooting her life and moving across the country. (She detests Arizona however and is embracing New England.)

-      Liquidating some of her investments to buy property in Boston

-      Taking the responsibility of another 30 year mortgage. (Inevitably I will take over that mortgage, but not for several years)

-      Starting a new job

-      Postponing retirement

-      Saving funds for my start-up reserve

Joey

-      Surrendering his bachelorhood for mom to live with him for 14 weeks prior to her permanent relocation

-      Allowing me to initially live with him if Mom has not yet established residency

-      Making changes to accommodate me getting on my feet with everything; money, transportation, acclimating me to Boston. (Basically holding my hand)

KB (mom’s BF)

-      Impending possibility of him relocating to a city he doesn’t want to live in

-      Fear of racism in Boston (Though I can’t imagine it could be worse that Arizona

 in my opinion…)

All of this is a lot to think about but today, I see being “on my own” as a positive thing. It is a sign of independence and success. I have gained strength from Joe’s death and strength from prison as well. The irony is that ‘being on my own’, is what I want to achieve most in my life now. I will be in a new city that I feel will be my home for the rest of my life. And I desperately want to succeed. 

I do not want to let myself, or my friends and family down.