‘My Idols’

Friday, February 21, 2014

“IDOL”; object of adoration; somebody or something greatly admired or loved, often to excess

 

My Mother

My mom is perfectly imperfect in every way. She and I share an unimaginable bond and I’d go as far as to say that it was kismet that I ended up being her son. She is educated, beautiful, classic, independent, opinionated, compassionate, and strong. Classifying her as culturally diverse would be unfair because she is so much more than that. She has remained open minded enough to maneuver seamlessly within differing cultures. Additionally she has been able to respect and appreciate all things, even those that she may not particularly agree with. As a child, I used to study her. Whether it was applying makeup, curling her eyelashes, or working a room full of people,  I would watch her carefully. Her work ethic is incomprehensible and I have been lucky enough to have that example in life. As I age, I have begun to accept and embrace the fact that I am unequivocally my mother’s son… and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Tom Ford

I love everything that this man stands for. I have paid close attention to his career beginning with his first years with Gucci and I have always supported his efforts in the fashion community. I believe that he is kind, compassionate, honest, handsome, successful and also, a humanitarian. I think he is a solid role model for the man of today, both gay and straight. The drive and the passion that he has for what he does is indisputable. He is always in full representation of his authentic self and I admire that. There is something to be said for a person that can be so successful in life and still maintain a level of humility. Tom Ford is that person and Idolizing him, for me, comes effortlessly.

Robin Roberts

Wow. To say that I admire this woman is an understatement. I have regained sight of my own inner strength simply by watching her endure and conquer her health issues.  She is exquisite, courageous, strong, and positive. One day I will reach out to her, if for no other reason than to say that I love her as a human being, as a woman and as a symbol of strength and equality. We all could learn something from her.

Alex Minski

Since learning about this man, I have been captivated by him. I suppose that after hearing his story, most people would be. The man went from being a marine, to being an amputee, only to subsequently become an alcoholic. He climbed out of his own personal darkness and elevated himself to supermodel status all by the age of 27. Like me, he has had a crash course in life. From a person who knows what the bottom looks like, I can relate to his journey. I love what he stands for, how he allowed himself to adapt, change and grow. I can only hope to be as successful as he has been when my time to re-emerge back into society comes.

‘Career Plan’

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Like so many people, I struggled with deciding what it was I actually wanted to do for a living. I had many interests and they each made me happy and feel fulfilled in some way. 

The serious interest that I have had in my life are:

Sports

Cooking

Physical Fitness

Fashion Design

Interior Design

Equestrian

Medicine/Psychology

Automobiles

Only recently did I make the final decision on pursuing a Pro-Athletic Trainer career. Mind you, my options became increasingly limited since I have become a felon.  Ironically, this decision could have so easily been mine even without my history.

I genuinely love physical fitness, sports, nutrition and overall health and wellness. I’m incredibly disciplined with it and began taking specific college level courses in this industry via correspondence in 2009. Since then, I have earned my MFT (Masters in Fitness Training). Currently I am working on specific certifications in strength conditioning and sports nutrition. My goal is to have as many certifications and degrees in my field as possible. I need to be as marketable as possible upon my release as a freelance trainer/nutritionist.

 

In the research that I have done, I have found that I will be able to be independent and self sufficient doing this for a living. Doing this will also allow me to be my own boss and not have my criminal history as a handicap in the hiring process. I fully expect to be judged harshly upon my release by the majority of people that I come in contact with. This career plan will make it easier for me to transition back into society and the workforce.

‘Do I Think I Am A Good Person?’

Thursday, February 13, 2014

So I was broached with the question; “Do I think that I am a good person?” Unfortunately, I really couldn’t come up with a solid answer and that was disheartening to say the least. Instinctively, I want to say ‘yes’. Wouldn’t most people? The problem is, when I analyze myself further… well, I’m not so sure. In any case, this what I have come up with thus far.

According to society, today I am a convicted murderer. My actions took the lives of 3 innocent people. That acknowledgement and well, ownership alone, doesn’t give me much to go on as far as feeling that I am a “good person”. I realize completely that even good people do bad things. Perhaps that adage applies to me being that my crime was not committed with malice or intent. I’m not sure. Still it weighs on my heart and conscience heavily everyday and I will never be able to escape it.

If I compartmentalize my felony conviction then of course one would believe that it would considerably easier to answer the question. I have to say – that is not the case for me.

I have done so many negative things in my life. I have lied to the people I love most, stolen from them, manipulated them and taken them for granted. I am lucky that they never gave up on me. To this day, they have my back and best interests at heart, just as they always have. Sometimes I can’t believe that they haven’t simply cut their ties to me. I love them and owe my life to them in so many ways. Sorry it took so long for me to realize what I had in them.

On the plus side, I have had quite a journey and have really grown into a complex, confident man. Yes, I put in a lot of work towards self betterment but I have to give credit, where credit is due; Mom, Jan, Kevin and Joey…. 

Thank you.

I am very well aware of what is right and wrong. I am decisive, and responsible. I am kind, but firm in how I relate to others. I am tolerant and ‘try’ to be as non-judgmental as possible. Who am I to cast stones anyway? I have adopted my mother’s work ethic which is diligent and fearless. I have a plan for the future, goals and dreams that I never had before. Most importantly, I have a willingness to work for them.

I know that I will be able to have a productive and meaningful life upon my release. The fact that I may not deserve it, given my history, is very present in my mind and gives me the motivation to do my very best. 

Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually I am good. Really though, I am constantly working on it.

'Why Do We Need Or Crave Relationships When The Reasons To Remain Single Sound Pretty Damn Good?'

Monday, January 27, 2014

So my BFF is the epitome of a perfect bachelor. He is happy, independent and unequivocally has no desire to be tied to anyone. Time to time, I will essentially ‘poke the sleeping bear’ within him by telling him to find someone. His reaction is so extreme that you’d think I had thrown him on hot coals! Since I have always been PRO relationship, it has been a fun and educational debate between us… until now.

Recently, he took it upon himself to give me this list of the following reasons to remain single:

1.       Never a possibility that your heart will be broken

2.       You are always free to do whatever you want to do
3.       No arguments over what to watch on TV
4.       No ‘in laws’
5.       You never have to check in with someone before you make plans
6.       No constant judgment over your life choices
7.       You can masturbate whenever you want freely
8.       No fighting over the covers
9.       You can spend more time with your friends
10.   No arguments over holiday decorations
11.   You never have to worry about forgetting your anniversary
12.   You are always on your own time
13.    More space in your home for your own stuff
14.   No arguments over money
15.   You never have to worry over someone publicly revealing your more embarrassing habits
16.   No one ‘borrows’ your clothes
17.   You don’t have to worry over where your partner is when they do not come home on time
18.   You don’t have to apologize when you fart
19.   You don’t have to worry about being judged by your choice in a partner
20.   You don’t have to feel guilty over your snoring
21.   No arguments over food
22.   You can play your music as loud as you want
23.   No jealousy - ever
24.   You don’t have to make excuses for someone else’s behavior
25.   You can have sex with anyone you want, whenever you want, without worry
26.   No arguments over cleaning
27.   You never have to worry about impressing someone else’s friends
28.   You can entertain without a ‘co-host’
29.   No arguments over where to vacation
30.   You always get to drive and never have to listen to someone challenging your sense of direction
31.   You are not subjected to someone’s constant whining about their job/family/health et al
32.   You can walk around the house naked whenever you want
33.   No arguments over who’s family to spend the holidays with
34.   You can leave dishes in the sink and not feel guilty
35.   You don’t have to explain/justify your opinions/feelings
36.   Your pet is never confused over who to love most
37.   You never have to worry about being betrayed
38.   No arguments about furniture style and home decor
39.   No disappointments - ever

As I read it, I had to admit that I really liked the reasons he documented. I couldn’t really argue with any of them. So… what does this mean when the list of cons seriously outweighs the pros?? If I can acknowledge and admit this, then why would I still feel a relationship would be nice to have at some point?

Perhaps it is something that is not really explainable?

I will certainly be doing some soul searching on this topic. For now, I will have to accept that it just doesn’t make sense – and maybe, just maybe… I have had these wants and desires for all the wrong reasons.

'The Bookworm That I Am'

Monday, January 27, 2014

I am half way through one of the best books that I have ever read. It is called ‘The Goldfinch’, by Donna Tartt. I have read easily over a thousand books throughout my incarceration and in my own way, I have become somewhat of a critic. Anyway, it has become more and more challenging for me to truly enjoy just any fiction book because I have read so many. ‘The Goldfinch’ however, is incredibly well written, and for an epic tale, it does not get boring. It will be added to my top 5 books.

That list would be comprised of the following, beginning with my favorite book that I have ever read:

‘She’s Come Undone’ – by Wally Lamb

‘The Room’ – by Emma Donoghue

 

 

 

 

 

‘Middlesex’ – by Jeffrey Eugenides

 

 

 

 

‘The Poisonwood Bible’ – by Barbara Kingsolver

 

 

 

 

‘The Goldfinch’ – by Donna Tartt

 

 

 

 

 

Each novel is different, well written, powerful and very thought provoking. Books are usually very personal in that the reader can appreciate certain qualities within the content. For me, I suppose it would be fair to say that each novel was successful in causing me to be more circumspect about my own life.

That, is always a good thing for me.

'Men, Pen Pals and Relationships'

Monday, January 20, 2014

A lot of people wonder about these particular topics when it comes to me and I have always had difficulty being clear about them. I think it’s time that I share my thoughts and beliefs once and for all. So as not to confuse my readers, I am going to break them down into specific segments.

It is no secret that I am a gay man. In fact, I’d say I am very secure and confident with my sexual orientation. So much so, in fact, that I tend to not give it much thought and feel as if it doesn’t really add to how I identify with myself.  I am attracted to men though and beyond just the physical, I am drawn to strong, confident; masculine and driven men. He should be thought provoking, challenging but also, understanding and compassionate. He should also have a great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at himself.

Over the years, I had many pen pals from all different walks of life. There have been so many men I have lost count and only (1) that stuck with me from the beginning.  (He has not been in the ‘pen pal’ category for years now...) They come in and out of my life much like tissue paper. Though they are all intrinsically different, many of them share a common thread: loneliness. Through their own words, I learn that there is clearly something missing in their lives and those who do share their loneliness - somehow feel I will fix or fill that emptiness. It can sometimes turn out to be a rollercoaster of emotion. In a few cases, they end up developing feelings for me and wanting something more serious. I say ‘okay’ and in about 6 months, they fall off. At this point, it has happened so many times that I can count on it and can almost perfectly predict when things will end.

I still write and communicate but I have become jaded and now, I have no ending expectations. It’s okay. I have accepted it and I am really better off looking at things that way. Who knows? Maybe I am helping these guys move on in some way?

 

I have only been in one long term relationship. It was with a good guy that I loved very much. The problem was that I didn’t love myself at that time and was living my life for all the wrong reasons. We both made mistakes. I will love him forever because if not for the experiences I had with him, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

My present outlook on relationships is good but I am leery at the same time. I do believe that two men can be in a monogamous and committed relationship but there has to be genuine sexual fulfillment. Men are visual and primal. As much as I hate to say this, we should do our best to maintain ourselves physically. Sexual appetites should be discussed and established as should any particular interests. My mom used to tell me; “what one person won’t do, another will.” I think it’s true. If you are unwilling to do something for your partner, the odds are high that in time, he will find someone who will.

I think that couples need to learn how to argue with each other about (1) topic at a time. I think they should resist pushing one another’s buttons and do their best not to go to bed mad at one another.

I have an old soul so I am a big believer in marriage and commitment to one person. I love the thought of sharing my life with someone and knowing that they will be there for me, as I will be there for them. I used to believe that I needed a relationship to feel ‘complete’ or successful in life. That has changed now. All I had to do was learn who I was. I learned that there is a big difference between needing and wanting something.

Funny that I learned that in prison.

'The Principle Characters of My Life'

Monday, January 20, 2014

My BFF Joey asked me recently; ‘If a movie was made of my life – who would star in the principle roles?’

Thinking about it was kind of bizarre really but I think I came up with a decent cast actually. The other question was really; “who” do I consider to be the principle roles of my life?

 

In any case, I gave it my best shot and here they are:

Mom – Susan Sarandon

Kevin – Lawrence Fishburn

Joe (Dad) – John Travolta

Me – David Justice

Jan – Tina Fey

Deb T – Ellen Barkin

Deb W – Renee Russo

Joey – Greg Kinnear

Mark (ex) – Rupert Everett

 

There you have it. Mind you, in the real world, there would never be a movie with all of these people in it together, but that is how I would see it if it were my choice. My life may be extraordinary – but I wouldn’t say it’s movie worthy. It was fun to think about though.