Taking a Day; "We are still on lockdown status due to the racial tension."

Thursday, November 15, 2012

My boss was supposed to pick up John and I at 07:00. It is now 10:00 AM and no boss.

Either he was tasked to do other things, or administration will not allow him to pull us out of our building because we are still on lockdown status due to the racial tension. The only problem with all of this is that we have a lot of work to do and only one more day to do it. After tomorrow, we are officially back on vacation again for 12 days, so everything will be delayed yet again. If for some reason we do not go to work today, then I suppose I will write letters to my friends James and Marquise.

Finding a Partner...Does it matter?

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It is late, around midnight and I guess I have not gone to sleep yet for two reasons.

The first reason is that I received quite an intriguing letter from Joe. He posed a question to me at the end of it that has got me to do some thinking, as he always does. Since then, I have been unable to shut my mind off.

I have explained to you that Joe is my blog master. He is an outstanding friend and since he does know me so well, he also has a very keen way of picking me apart. Thankfully, I am also capable of doing the same thing to him. In any case, he is able to read and comprehend the blog entries in a different fashion than I do. For me of course, I am simply writing my experiences, my thoughts and such, on paper. In this recent letter from him that I received, he incorporated the following paragraph;

“On a side note, there is a very apparent, reoccurring message that expresses your unbridled desire to be in love. It may be very unintentional David, but the last thing you want to do in your blog is plant, what could easily be misconstrued as, an ulterior motive. Lighten up on that a bit, or at least find a way to plant that message in a more subtle, sophisticated manner. You do not want your readers to begin thinking that your real goal with the blog is to find a partner… (or do you?)”

So this message really struck a chord with me. It was not that Joe said what he had said, but rather the fact that is is possible that I have come across as the person whom he described. Now, Joe being one person who really knows me, has a one up on most of you because he is actively aware that I am a relationship oriented guy. But I still must take heed to his neutral observation. There is a strong case here that he may be right, but I assure you, it is completely unintentional.  I tend to write with my thinking voice and when left alone with my thoughts… well you have read the results. All I can say is that I have never really looked at this blog as a way of meeting someone in a romantic way. That doesn’t mean however, that I will not actively hide my desire to have someone special in my life.

The second reason that I am still awake is because there are a couple of new faces living in my run now. I have a problem going to sleep before new people. I feel unsettled because I do not know who they are or what they are about. I like to be aware of my surroundings and it takes awhile to adjust when there are new people around me. It’s an environmental hazard and one that I surely will have to break at some point.

Racial Tension and Self Reflection; "an all out battle broke out between the two races."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Something wicked is brewing within our population. Last night, I had to go outside to talk with a few of the brothas about their dealings with a particular Mexican who has a penchant for compulsive lying and drug use. When I was done, I was walking across the yard and noticed the head Mexican national (Paisa) speaking to the head Mexican American in a raised voice. I could not make out all that was said, but as I called the house and said hello to Kevin, an all out battle broke out between the two races. About 60 people were involved and I had just enough time to tell Kevin what was going on, before I had to hang up the phone and get on the ground.

As I laid there in my good sweats and shoes, I looked around and surveyed the mess. Imagine a bunch of angry chimpanzees going at it and that would be the closest you can imagine to the scene. All of the brothas and the whites stayed away and were virtually unaffected by it. I tried to get comfortable because I knew I would likely be there on the ground for hours while the officers got everything under control.

New inmates who were around me were in shock and a bit terrified. It sadly, served up a reminder to me of my own institutionalization both mentally and emotionally, as I was completely fine. In fact, I was more upset that I was missing a new episode of Happy Endings.

About two hours later, officers finally got around to processing me. Basically they check our hands, knuckles, face and body to ensure that we were not involved. Then we submit to a full body scan in a chair and then released back to our respective dorms. The process works because they did get all the men involved, but it is incredibly time consuming.

As I entered my run, of course John was hysterical because he was unable to get to me, or know if I was okay. Mentally I understood his concern and appreciated it but, again, I have been there, done that. John, on the other hand, has been lucky and has never been involved in a riot or an extremely hostile situation yet.

I showered, washed my now dirty clothes, caught the end of the 10:00 o’clock news and then went to bed.

The yard is officially locked down because of the inter-racial tension but I was able to go to work. I have no idea if the issue between the two races is over. I have a feeling that it was initially a one on one disagreement that got way out of hand. Time will tell, but the administration is taking every precaution – which is completely understandable.

 

A Weekend of Calls; "these calls were about facing the facts."

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

My weekend was spent talking to friends and family on the phone and of course, watching football. My 49ers ended up tying with the Rams which was crazy, but at least we remain number 1 in our division.

 The phone calls were interesting…

Cliff
I called Cliff because there had been a decided shift in our correspondence. It had became more intimate and heartfelt in nature. He had made a couple of references to the suggestion of “if we were together” and well, I took note of that. When I called, I realized almost immediately that he sounded distant and withdrawn. Not long after that, he began to use phrases such as ‘we will either stay in or go to the gym’. He was of course, referring to his partner and himself. Reality smacked me in the face and I thought to myself; ‘What the hell am I thinking?’ In sensing his discomfort, I decided to end the call. I wrote to him and am awaiting his response.

Mom

As always, she needed advice from me regarding a new car purchase and somehow it segued into the possibility of her moving to South Beach, Miami Florida instead of Boston. Mind you, I had just finished writing a letter to Joe about the possibility of him moving to Florida as a retirement thought. I couldn’t help but to think that the timing was incredibly odd. Still, it began the wheels roiling in my head. I know deep down mom wants to be close to me, but I am going to be released to live at Joe’s house. If he is in Boston, I will be in Boston and if he is in Florida, I will be in Florida. As a starting point, it is the best situation for me. Eventually though, I will be living in Boston, one way or the other. That is where I want my permanent residence and my life to be. Surprisingly, mom sounded as if she already expected that.

Joe

Without provocation, he reassured me that coming to live with him was 100% fine. He has come around to the idea of it and I am so relieved. I know that there will be challenges between us, but what I need is to start making my own way. Joe is my friend and does not symbolize a parental figure. I do not have to hide anything from him and will not feel pressure to do things that I am not really on board with.

The key to all three of these phone calls is that they do correlate to one another. All of these calls were about facing the facts, acknowledging reality and moving forward,

Anyway, I am back to work, but only until Friday and then I am off for another 12 days for Thanksgiving. As I mentioned before; I have a lot of vacation time this month…

I am very tired of being here; "I can’t even begin to make sense of it all."

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

It is 3:00 AM and I cannot sleep. This is not unusual for me because overall, I sleep less and less these days. I can’t put my finger on why that is exactly but I have accepted it. Lately I have been looking at my surroundings with the eye of a caged animal. The brick and mortar is mundane, with the color near that of a psych ward. I miss grass, and trees, and most of all, water. All I have to look at is sand, gravel and fencing. The miles and miles of barbed wire doesn’t help much either. Sometimes I will stare outside my window at the highway and watch the cars speeding by. I wonder if the people in those cars ever give a single thought to the men living here. I know I didn’t. ironic, but I remember once driving past this place on my way to San Diego to visit a guy I was seeing. I remember seeing a glimpse of orange and now, I have become that glimpse to someone else.

There is no doubt that I am very tired of being here. The hard part is knowing why I am here and then accepting it, while all the while knowing that I shouldn’t be here. I can’t even begin to make sense of it all.

What I do know is that another day is here whether I like it or not. I have to work today. I have to go shopping at the store because I need food. I have to work out. I have to do these things in order to keep moving forward. Deep down inside though, I don’t want to do anything. I want to crawl back into bed, close my eyes and go far, far away.

Unfortunately, the only person I know that has actually worked for was Dorothy.
 

Roomates from Hell; "Sometimes it’s intensely disturbing."

Friday, November 9, 2012

My “Run” is falling apart. I am at a loss here and can only hope some moves are done or that my ‘roommates’ make some serious fuckups and have to leave in some other way. As you enter my run, and begin looking down the length of the room, it is a bit daunting, but when you realize that most of them are nobodies, well then it becomes less and less intimidating.

Here are my roommates from hell:

·       Jimmy; White – gelatinous body, long scraggly hair and yellow teeth that remind me of Pennywise from the movie “IT”. He smokes spice all day and night and apparently has an allergy to bathing.

·       Hector; Paisa – The head if the Mexican Nationals, 2^nd in command. He is clean and respectful, but a total puppet.

·       Derek; Black – A silver back of a black man. Reformed drug dealer and OG. He is quiet and an all around good guy.

·       BB; Mexican American – The tallest Mexican I have ever met at 6’4”. He is very nice; a big teddy bear and never causes any problems

·       Julio; Mexican American – 18 years old and my pseudo-adopted prison kid. He is a total mamma’s boy, clean, works out and listens.

·       Junior; Mexican American – An older crack head and obviously a vagrant outside of here. His jaw never stops moving…

·       Bones; Black – older and very disturbing. He has photos of his own daughter, who is a stripper, that he has put up on display. In the photos, his daughter is wearing thongs, and very little else. He doesn’t speak much, not that anyone really wants to speak with him.

·       Carlos; Cuban – Incredibly loud and crazy. He always has something to say

·       Bed 7 lower – Junior; Mexican American – Cool, calm and collected but he has a serious heroin addiction. Because of that, he has nothing to show for anything.

·       Derek; White – Spice and bath salts addict; usually running around like a crazy person

·       Thomas; White – In his 50’s, he is my unofficial housekeeper and I give him whatever it is that he needs to be ‘ok’, ie; coffee and tobacco

·       Diesel; Black – Crack head and loves to snort up psychotropic drugs like Buspar and Rispantol. He is incapable of holding a conversation.

·       Owen; Black - An amazingly good looking man, also gay but 100% in the closet but he has confided in me. I feel sorry for him because everything he does is in order to portray a level of “heteronis”

·       Tito; Mexican American – Heroin addict and lives with his head in the toilet vomiting profusely

·       Mario; Mexican American – Same as Guido, heroin addict

·       Dominic;  All I know is that he is a Paisa

·       Jorge’; Paisa – Terrified of everything and tends to sit on his bed and watch everything and everyone.

·       Brian; White – Homeless, no teeth and looks like a piece of leather. We have not spoken much

·       Vincent; White – Early 20’s with no support. He does my laundry every week and I in turn make sure he has what he needs

·       Lorenzo – Boxer; Mexican American – 26; fine as hell and from California. The man has serious hands.

·       Chico; Mexican American – Drug addict to the 10^th power. He has no prejudice when it comes to getting fucked up.

·       Will; White – Looks like an Asian chipmunk. He is very quiet and stays up his perch for the most part.

·       Freddy; White – 26 his hobbies include sniffing rubber cement and inhaling whippets which are C02 canisters. His brain is really toast.

·       Jesus; Mexican American – a good friend of mine who makes so many bad decisions but I will always support him. He wants to be “somebody: so badly and I always ask him “what does it mean to be ‘somebody’ in prison?”

·       Blanko – Certified 51/50, which means that he is completely crazy. I do not know his name or anything besides the fact that he paces the run constantly.

·       Angelo; Paisa – A truly talented artist. He can create masterpieces on paper and on skin. His tattoo business is thriving.

·       Roman; Mexican American – So small that a gust of wind would blow him over. He keeps to himself and is waiting to be moved to a different yard.

·       Anthony; Paisa – My good friend who is also in a key position. He is intelligent, good natured and a peace keeper

·       Jose; Mexican American – Heroin addict who is on very thin ice. I think he is nearing the $2K mark in debt and this weekend will be the end all, be all. I suspect he will roll up out of here soon.

·       John; White – An incredible soul, a great trusted friend and another tragic statistic of incredibly bad circumstances

·       And me, of course

So that is the immediate population that I am around day to day. Quite the group eh? Sometimes it’s comical and sometimes it’s intensely disturbing. For now though, they are my roommates and I have to deal with them.

Interuption; "Some idiots broke into the library."

Friday, November 9, 2012

It was brought to my attention that some idiots broke into the library and tore it up. I have no idea how true it is, but if there is any basis to it, then we will surely be locked down and torn up ourselves. As always, the entire population will suffer because of a few retarded-ass inmates. I suppose I should go look into the matter and prepare for the worst.

I think I have made a new friend; "He is a “real” guy, handsome, great personality, compassionate and kind."

Friday, November 9, 2012

James is probably one of the sweetest and most genuine guys I have met in a long time. Once in awhile, I receive a letter from someone that has read my profile on Writeaprisoner.com http://www.writeaprisoner.com/Template.aspx?i=z-169947 and there is a spontaneous connection. As I have stated before, most pen pals end up falling off after awhile and it is to be expected. Already, a couple of nice guys that I had been corresponding with have gone MIA. It is what it is. All I can say about James is that he is one that I hope does not fall off. He is a “real” guy, handsome, great personality, compassionate and kind.

Joe ended up doing a photo shoot with James’ boyfriend and was able to physically meet James at that time. Joe validated what I had already believed about James, and so, I was happy about that. I don’t mind saying that the whole connection between Joe, James and me was a bit ‘kismet’, but it worked and I was so glad that it did. I am really looking forward to learning more about him in time to come.

A Good Awakening; "Straight or not, his simple gesture made me feel alive and desirable."

Friday, November 9, 2012

I woke up with a spectacular erection that I could not ignore. For those of you who know what I am talking about, then surely you will understand. It was borderline painful and would simply not go down. Since it was still dark inside, I made my way to the showers and realized that someone was in there ahead of me. I hung up my towel, dropped my shorts and made my way into the shower room.

I immediately realized that it was Eli who was showering. And he was also attending to his own “needs” this morning as well. Eli is about 30, Arabic and Spanish. I would place him physically in the “Adonis’ category, that is, until he opens his mouth; his IQ cannot be over 15. In any case, I chose a shower head down and across from him. I have studied his body before, for no other reason than to compare it to my own, so I simply turned away from him, faced the wall, and began the process of working myself to a release.

A couple of minutes passed and out of nowhere, Eli asked me to turn around - if I wasn’t “shy”. Instead of saying anything, I turned and faced him. No words were exchanged as we watched each other’s every move, until we both came.  Once we both finished, we turned back toward our respective walls and began to bath ourselves. We rinsed, dried ourselves off and then went back to our cubicles. It was a hot morning, all things considered, but as far as I know, Eli is completely straight. I am curious now though, as to what he got out of it. The odds are likely that the events of this morning will never be spoken of, or ever happen again, so I should probably not concern myself with it.

Straight or not, his simple gesture made me feel alive and desirable; two things that come rarely in this place.

Why can't people tell that you do not want to be bothered?

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

So it became evident to me that this vacation is not going to be very relaxing. I went outside to work out yesterday afternoon and could barely get in my sets. It seemed like every couple of minutes or so, someone was stopping me or waving me down to ask me some random question, or to ask where I have been. Well, I have been working of course, which is why I have not been on the main yard in the past 10 days. Then the questions begin;

·       “When is the next fundraiser?”

·       “What is the next fundraiser?”

·       “Can you schedule me an appointment with your boss?”

·       “Can you put me on the list for the next Town meeting?”

·       “Can I borrow some food?”

·       “Can I listen to one of your CDs?”

·       “I have a property problem!?”

Dear god, the questions are never ending and these men act as if I am the only one who an help them in here. It really gets absurd at times. So I realize that I going to be bothered a lot and I am not sure if I have enough Paxil to keep me going! J

Politics; "the homosexuals didn’t respect me because I was not feminine."

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Four more years of President Obama! YES! I admit that I was tuned into MSNBC during the hours of election coverage last night. I am an Obama supporter 100% when it comes to making a choice between him and Romney. As soon as I saw the Romney defeat, I could go to bed.

The other amazing news was that Tammy Baldwin won the senate seat in Wisconsin and she, is openly gay. To me, this was even greater than President Obama’s re-election. It means that people are truly moving forward out there and able to look at what matters rather than who she chooses to share her bed with.

As a gay man, I feel as if it is one more step towards equality. I know that nothing happens overnight, and that there will always be people against me that do not approve, just as they are in here, with me now. I am so happy for Ms. Baldwin though and truly do believe she was the best candidate for the seat.

In here, we do not have actual elections, but we do have our head speakers, or the final decision makers, and they are voted in. The difference is that we do not campaign or voice that we even want the position. It is all based upon seniority and reputation. Gang affiliation and origin also play a part in it as well. An inmate from New York, for example, cannot be the head of a race for an entire yard in Arizona. There are serious issues with our process because a lot of times, just like in real politics, it is a popularity contest. At the same time, a lot of political positions can be simply dropped in your lap, and you do not have the option of saying ‘no’ to those appointments. If you mess up, guess who becomes the enemy? It can get very messy, very quickly.

For me, I have done my best when it has come to the various positions that I have held and when you consider the ladder that I have subconsciously climbed without even realizing it, well, I too have broken down some serious barriers!

The 1^st position that was ever given to me was in 2007. I was told that I would be responsible for all the homosexuals on the yard. At the time, there were 12 of us. The position was difficult because the homosexuals didn’t respect me because I was not feminine like they were. In time, I earned their respect and after that, things ran smoothly.

In 2004, there was a decision made above my head that there would be no homosexuals allowed on the yard because they were causing too much drama between the particular gangs and races. They had to leave, but I was exempt because I was one of the ‘fellas’ and also happened to be with the head of the Bloods, (I have explained the relationship to LayZ to you already.) Not long after that, I was given an entire ‘run’ of people to be in charge of. This caused a major shift in political structure in prison. Until that time, no other homosexual had ever held a position where they could make decisions about straight men, and real convicts at that. A few bucked the decision challenged me physically, but I won. In that situation, if I win, then that person must concede to me. I did really well in the position though and kept peace within the group of people that I had to speak on behalf of. It was that time that I earned the most of my respect from the general population.

In 2010, I was promoted to becoming a sergeant of a yard, which meant that I was the head of about 200 other men, Again, I excelled at it. I think that my positions have gone well because, unlike the majority, I tend to think about what is really going on within our population. I’m not an advocate of violence, so that is never my first option. I believe that if these guys can learn to communicate like adults, then it benefits everyone as a whole.

By 2011, I was moved to a different yard and realized that I had earned enough status to respectfully decline a position on the yard. I did this because I did not respect the head at all and I knew that I would not work well with him. Thankfully, I was allowed to “take a break”.

This year however, coming to my current unit changed everything once again. The head is someone I have known for years and it was not really an option to say ‘no’. I explained to him that I wanted a small position and that made him laugh. Looking back on it now, I suppose it was comical because I was appointed head of Dorm 2, which is, or was, the worst of the yard. On the plus side, all major issues have been happening in other dorms now, which, is saying a lot.

My Thanksgiving; "The day has been bittersweet."

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The day has been bittersweet. Food Visit was amazing because the people I love most were all together and here with me. We ate great food, had good conversation and also enjoyed one another’s company. A part of me was upset of course, that I did not have more time one-on-one with particular people, but it was good to be all together nonetheless.

Throughout the day, I had to take care of random issues for work and other inmates, which was not good. Oddly enough though, I think it was interesting for my family to actually see that I am continuously pulled in multiple directions for work. I really just wanted to sit down and relax, but there was so much going on.

Tonight, I am going to watch some TV and reflect. I have some serious shit to think about and I need to make sense of it. I have to work 12 hours tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that at all. On a positive note, I will be off for a week come next Tuesday.

Someone Special; "For some reason, I had a really lonely week."

Saturday, November 3, 2012

The past couple of days I have done everything in my power to stay active and busy even if it meant working out twice. For some reason, I had a really lonely week and had an incredible craving for someone special in my life. To keep my mind off of that, I did whatever I could. Thankfully, I am good now. Sometimes I have moments like that, but they go away eventually. I also have to keep reminding myself that I am actually doing pretty darn good, all things considered.

There are many instances where I question how some inmates become involved with the people who they see at visit. While I may have higher standards than most, I do feel for some of the men and women who visit inmates. I know that so many of the men here that they visit are simply using them and are also receiving visits from other people who they are involved with. No one speaks of it, but we inmates all know the real deal.

Privileges; "It is all based upon behavior, education, work etc."

Saturday, November 3, 2012

It has been a few days since I have written and I hope whomever is reading and following me, is doing well and in good spirits. I especially hope that all of who have been impacted by Super Storm Sandy are hanging in there. My heart goes out to all of you and your families. If I could be there to help, I would.

The week for me has been hectic. Unfortunately it is not over because I actually have to work today. Administration has tasked John and I to take all of the family/inmate photographs during the special “Food Visit” this weekend. Today is scheduled to be for all of the inmates who live on the red side of the yard. Tomorrow is for all of those who live on my side, the blue. Food Visits are a designated special occasion, where inmate friends and family are allowed to bring prepared meals into the facility for the inmates. It will be incredibly busy and I hope it goes by quickly.

“Food Visits” are a privilege allowed to all inmates who are classified as a Phase III. To help you understand what this means, inmates are essentially divided up into three phases. It is all based upon behavior, education, work etc.. I will try to give a detailed explanation of what each phase is, and the privileges allowed for the respective phases.

PHASE I – All inmates entering into the prison system are classified as a Phase I for a year. They have to earn an increase in phase.

Privileges:

·       $40.00 spending limit per week at the inmate store

·       4 hours visitation per week

·       1 phone call per day

·       Only eligible for unskilled work positions at $.10 an hour

·       Must live on the top bunk of a bed space

PHASE II – Inmates who have been disciplinary free for one year and who have completed all mandatory education needs will advance into this phase

·       $60.00 spending limit per week at the inmate store

·       8 hours visitation per week

·       2 phone call per day

·       Eligible for all work positions, but capped at $.30 an hour

·       Can live on the lower bunk of a bed space

PHASE III – Inmates who have been disciplinary free for two years, have a high school diploma or GED certificate on file, have maintained the same job for at least one year and have completed all programs; Anger Management, AA, Cultural Diversity, Cognitive Thinking etc..

·       $80.00 spending limit per week at the inmate store

·       16 hours visitation per week

·       Unlimited phone calls per week

·       Eligible for all work positions, but capped at $.45 an hour , but can work up to 80 hours

·       4 Food Visits per year

·       Allowed personal cubicle to live in alone

·       Can participate in fundraising restorative justice programs

If an inmate receives a minor disciplinary infraction, they can still maintain their phase however any major infraction will force an inmate’s phase to be dropped down at least one level. Any inmate who tests positive for drugs during a random urine analysis,  will automatically be dropped down to a Phase I. In case you are curious, I am a Phase III.

I have no real way of gauging how many Phase IIIs there are statewide, but for reference, there are 1200 inmates at this facility, and as of yesterday, there were only 127 Phase IIIs on the yard. So there are not that many of us.

Aging is Physical 1st, Psychological 2nd; "Things have changed."

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

So, this morning as I was shaving in the bathroom, I had reality hit me in the face like a sledgehammer. I hate when this happens. My shirt was off and somehow, I began to focus on my torso and face. I studied myself with great intensity. Things have changed. I shave my head now. I used to have beautiful hair. The wrinkles around my eyes are longer and much more pronounced. My eyes appear to be lighter and for some reason, much more walnut, or honey in color.

My body however, has never been in such great physical shape. Every muscle is alive and defined. The tattoos on my body are all Asian in theme and strategically placed to work with the musculature of my body. I love it, yet it feels almost foreign to me. The feeling is hard to explain.

I definitely look older though. Just how much older? I do not know. I still see me, but a very different version. I can’t help but to wonder; will I age much more by the time I get out of here, or not? Will this place preserve me like some person laying lifeless in a morgue, or will I get out looking weathered and beaten as so many people do? I am altogether saddened by the very thought of that. It’s not that I am concerned about the physical appearance in itself… it’s more that the change in my appearance, signifies that time has passed. It is time that I have lost.

Six Degrees of Separation; (or in my case, 3?)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I received a letter yesterday from a great guy that I have been corresponding with. His partner, who is a model, set up a photo shoot with my friend Joe, who will be here to visit me this weekend. The whole thing was very ironic because Joe’s photography website has gotten loads of attention. James, the man I have been writing to, had no idea that Joe and I actually knew one another. As I was reading his letter, I had quite the serendipitous moment. I promptly responded and told him that his partner was in good hands and that he should connect the dots with Joe regarding him visiting me in prison. I only wish I could have seen the look on his face.

The whole thing got me thinking though. This is not the first time I have ended up corresponding with someone who just happens to know a friend of a friend. It would make sense of course if the people were already aware of me, but they are not. Once the dots are connected, there is always surprise there.

So I wonder if the whole thing about 6 degrees of separation actually has some truth to it?

Halloween; "Tonight, guys will likely act a fool."

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Another day is here. It’s Halloween and the only good thing about today is that we already have our costumes; we are all giant carrots. J Today should go like any other day, but come tonight, guys will likely act a fool. Usually they will portray themselves as women by tying up their shirts and pulling their boxers up into a thong-like contraption. Those with long hair will let it flow and some will even use markers to apply makeup. Once they are in full prison drag, they will begin trick or treating up and down the runs. Seeing it, is believing it, and you would be surprised at who actually participates in the event. It is so hilarious at times that it takes all the energy I have to maintain full composure.

 

The Pleasure of a Good Phone Call; "Phone calls are not cheap."

Monday, October 29, 2012

My day yesterday was spent watching football and calling friends on the phone. I spoke with Joe twice and could tell that he has a lot on his mind. It pains me that we will not have a lot of one-on-one time next weekend when he flies out. There will be too many people here at that visit and I will have to juggle the conversations accordingly.

I spoke with my friend Cliff, in DC and as always, it was bittersweet. Talking to him is like a breath of fresh air because I could easily see myself in a relationship with him. The man is funny, articulate, driven, caring, kind, adventurous and well, very handsome. He is however, in a relationship. I believe he may not be truly happy, but I choose to not say anything about that. I listen to him and try to be there for him as best as I can. Hopefully, I will see him sometime soon.

My attempts to call Marc in Annapolis failed. It was the biggest downer of the day because I was looking forward to speaking with him. I will try again sometime this week if I can fit it into my budget.

Phone calls are not cheap. I pay $10.00 for (1) 15 minute call to Joe in Boston. Thankfully, he pays for the calls but I call about two or three times a week, and it adds up quickly. When I call a local number, it is only $1.20 so there is a huge difference.

At the moment, I am completely broke so I will have to wait a week or two before putting money on my phone account. As it stands now, I will be over-drawn by $30.00 come Wednesday. Funny how those financial issues do not go away – even in prison. I do not complain though because Lord knows there are many people in much worse situations than I am. I will get paid my measly $26.00 on Friday and then only overdrawn by $4.00 then, so that is good. J I have already done my food shopping , stocked up on postage and with that, I should be okay.

The lights just came on and the dorm was placed on standby for breakfast. I need to shave and shower, so wish me a good day.

Moderators Post Note:

Sign the petition to end predatory prison phone rates here:

 

http://www.takepart.com/middleofnowhere

Prison Nazis; "The whites here do not allow Jews to be on the yard – at all."

Monday, October 29, 2012

On Saturday evening, a new inmate, who had arrived on Friday, was questioned thoroughly about a lot of Hebrew tattoos he had on his arms. He tried to say that they were Aramaic, but the whites knew better, beat him up and then told him to leave. This is one of the more upsetting incidents because I have so many Jewish friends and family members. The whites here do not allow Jews to be on the yard – at all. In my mind, I want to ask them; “whatever happened to freedom of religion?”, but I cannot. The whole thing makes me so sick.

It’s Monday and I am still thinking about it.

Haters; "The fact that I am gay, really boils their blood."

Thursday, October 25, 2012

So, it is only 2:00 PM and John, Terry, Efren and Terrell and I came home early. Our boss had to deal with a lot of inmate grievances that were filed so he is busy with paperwork.

My morning was filled with dealing with other inmate work crews who have decided to take aim at our work crew. Being that I am the lead clerk, I have become a main target of theirs. Fortunately, I can play that game much better than any of those guys. All it takes is a little bit of aggressive observation. The other work crew believes that I have too much influence and pull, to get things done. The other inmate crews also consist primarily of skin heads and so, the color of my skin, and the fact that I am gay, really boils their blood. On top of that, we have a really good crew.

In any case, they have decided to pull proverbial punches whenever possible. We continue to hear some pointed, backhanded comments, but today, I guess I was feeling a bit feisty. John could see the wheels spinning in my head because there was a mischievous look on my face.

Believe it or not, some people here are genuinely afraid of confrontation. I, on the other hand, am not and so I decided to confront these particular individuals. I went to them alone, and as I casually put them in check verbally, I could tell that they were totally caught off guard. They immediately began to back pedal; they knew they were busted. I did not stick around to listen but instead, turned on my heels and walked away. My physical composure was stoic, but inside, I was a bundle of firing nerves. With that, I decided to come ‘home’ and my partners, decided to do the same.

“Sigh,”

Awake and ready to conquer another day; "When I get up, they get up."

Thursday, October 25, 2012

It is 4:00 AM in the sand pit known as ASPC Lewis Complex. I have officially returned back to the swing of things and my early mornings have come back. At the moment, I am in a good mood though I have just pissed some people off by waking them. J Over time, I have been able to get the majority of my coworkers moved into my run with me. It’s been great because we are all level headed and keep the peace. On top of that, I have a really good run and. As it stands, we practice no racial or inner prison politics here. Our run is like Switzerland in a way.

So now I have John, Efren, Terry and Teryl here. When I get up, they get up. I feel almost parental as I walk down the run and rub their backs to bring them to consciousness. Usually they stare at me for a moment with distaste and then cover their heads with their blankets. Not long after, they actually begin to rise.  This morning however, as I look over to my right, John continues to look at me with a comical, yet evil eyes as he glances at his watch. I can’t help but to laugh beneath my breath. I know it is horrible to say, but it is nice to find comic relief here even if it is at the hands of my friend’s displeasure.

The yard has been insane with drama but I have really done my best to rise above it. When it comes down to it, all of the incidents that have taken place have been brought on by us, the inmates. It’s ridiculous how they sometimes get caught and then whine about being treated unfairly. I have but to find it amusing. Everyday is something. I actually gotten into the habit of bracing myself mentally before stepping outside. Lately I have not been able to make it beyond ten feet without someone coming to me to complain or ask for advice. My usual responses are as follows:

·       “Do I look like I have a magic wand?”

·       “Go lay on your bed and lick your nuts because it sounds like you’re fucked!”

·       “You are an IDIOT.”

·       “Oh well….”

Rarely will I ever say:

·       “I will look into it.”

I never, ever say “I will take care of it”, because if nothing can be done, guess who is to blame? Me. Believe me when I say that is not a good position to be in here.

My personal outlook on the Department of Corrections; "Prison is not supposed to be a nice place."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I received a message yesterday from a woman who writes a blog specifically about all things involving the Arizona Department of Corrections. I get the distinct feeling that she focuses her energy on the negatives and it caused me to wonder if I have come across as someone who is inadvertantly slandering the department of corrections. That is certainly not my intent – at all.

My mission is only to discuss what real life is like inside of here, for someone like myself.

I do not feel as though the DOC goes out of their way to treat us badly. It is a business and they have a job to do. From a professional point of view, I would think that they are doing the best that they can with the resources that they have. Prison is not supposed to be a nice place; It is a violent, scary, strange and completely different world. Though I hate to say it, a lot of the people I know, belong here. I hate to say that… but it is true. For me, I accept my sentence and even though I do not like this place, I always do whatever I can to keep moving forward.

Since I have never been to another prison besides the ones in Arizona, it would be unfair of me to say that Arizona is the worst system, or that they do not have our safety in mind. From what I see, they do what they can with what they have. That doesn’t mean that I have to like it. It doesn’t even mean that I have to accept it, but I do because it makes it easier for me to get on with each day.

In a weird way, I would say it is similar to someone growing up in Compton, or Watts in Los Angeles. I have a friend here who grew up there and he agrees that life there, it is pretty much the same as prison. For him, living in such a violent and scary place was the life he was given. He didn’t like it, but it was easier for him to accept it and live, than to spend life not accepting it and having to deal with the hate within him.

Anyway, I just wanted it to be clear that I do not hate the Department of Corrections. I do however; hate the fact that I did something that resulted in me having to be in prison.