‘Personal Viewpoints’

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Over the years, I have been secretly trying to find the best possible “me” that I could find. For some of us, we need to work on that more diligently than others because somehow, we’ve lost our way. When that happens, I myself always have to start back at square one. Once I started becoming truly honest with myself, it was rather easy. I took a deep breath and accepted that I know who I am, how I feel and think etc... I needed to be true to these things in order to be genuine with “David”.

Evolution happens whether we like it or not. It’s one of those things that will forever be out of our control to a certain extent. In my own humble way, I have learned to accept and embrace change. I know that things will invariably change and so, in order to remain positive about it, and not fear it, I have instead, chosen to look forward to it. That said, I have evolved in my own individual way and that’s alright. No matter what changes occur, I have already acknowledged a baseline of my own personal viewpoints in life. Everything branches off of these ideas as they are fundamental to who I am.

Here are some of my own personal viewpoints. You can agree or disagree, but either way – you will ultimately learn a great deal about me through these convictions:

Life is – about the destination

Competition is – winning

Vanity is – Looking your best is very important

Relationships are – Essential. Partnering with someone is the core foundation of one’s happiness. The security of knowing someone is there – is key

Physical Fitness is – Vital. Working out/exercise enhances your overall appearance and makes you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically

Wealth is – Defined by what you own and achieve

Cleaning is – Critical. An orderly environment enables you to think more clearly, feel organized and in control

Status is – Tangible. You are always being judged by others on your socioeconomic position in society

Happiness is – Being in control of your life and destiny and being able to change things when needed.

My vision, my core values and life experience can in some way be pinged off of – or to – one of these statements. I make no apologies for my viewpoints because it is what I believe. There is no way of telling whether these ideas were spurned by environmental influence or not but I believe that most people are molded to think one way or another from a very young age. It is possible that I was influenced throughout my childhood and it has become what I believe as an adult. This is me – after my individuality and life experience was blended up with my moral compass.

Outlook on life can, and will change. This I know. There is no way to compare a life behind bars to that of someone for example, with terminal cancer. The viewpoints would be completely divergent in every way. The core values of simply wanting to live however, may still be the same. 

It’s all very thought provoking and well, uncanny.

‘I need to know: Am I worth it?’

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

 

Every day that passes, I am one day closer to my new life. I have grown so much over the years of incarceration and now, when I look in the mirror, I see a man who wants to make so much out of his life. I have a vision, a plan and I know how I am going to execute it upon my release. There is no doubt that I can accomplish the life that I see for myself and yet I wonder at times – if I am deserving of it? 

“Am I worth it?” has been a question that now lingers in the back of my mind.

This revelation will not hinder my ambition but rather, simply fuel my drive to continue to improve upon who I am. I like myself and more importantly, I know who I am. That is something that I have struggled with a lot in my past. My morals have evolved and the things that bring happiness to my life… well, they are no longer ‘things’. I cannot lie though: I love material things. It is a part of who I am… but I no longer view them in the same way.

My Flaws: I am impossibly logical in thinking and do not fare well having to utilize the creative, right brain thinking side of my brain when needed. I am stubborn, intense, and strong in mind, body and soul. I can be very judgmental with the people whom I love and care for because, I believe, I expect more from them, It may be unfair, but it is true. I rarely give acts of violence a second thought because now, I understand the psychology behind it. (That does not mean I am an advocate for it…) Lastly, my appearance and image: it is more important to me than it probably should be.

My Qualities: I am intelligent, meticulous and responsible. I am a natural “go getter” and have no problem going after something that I truly want. I have great self discipline and I am loyal, compassionate, loving and understanding. I am open minded and accepting of all races, religions and lifestyles. I know how to listen carefully and then deliver guidance and advice. At this point in my life, I would also say that my ‘street smarts’ are very proportionate to my curricular learning. 

Yes, I am and always will be a ‘convicted felon’ for the rest of my life. Only recently have I begun to incorporate that into my way of thinking. In considering ways to promote myself, develop my brand etc. I have concluded and expressed that I want to represent myself authentically when I am released.

Am I good enough to be able to do this and still be successful? Have I done enough self-improvement? Am I worth this ‘second life’ that I have headed my way?

Right now, well, I am smiling… because I think I am.

‘Embracing Unpleasant Facts’

Sunday, September 28, 2014

I fully realize that my entries since relocating to Florence Arizona have been sparse. That will be changing and I promise to my followers to get back on track. The transition has been challenging mentally and I have settled in as best as I can. For some time, I have been allowing myself to be affected by all of the things that I do not like about life at the moment. Along with that, came all of the things I am not liking about myself, and of course, the people I am closest to. It is a very slippery slope once you get on and I had to put a stop to it.

I have never been a particularly negative person. Truth be told, I am medicated for it in a way. What I mean by that is that I am diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and ironically, the medication that works best for that – is Zoloft, which is also used to treat depression. All that said, you would think that I’d be so damned happy that I’d be using Pharrell’s song as an anthem of my own.

But I am not.

Like I said, things have been difficult and well, I have been difficult as well, I am almost joyless, or at least I was. I had to let go of the desired control, input and choices. Coming to the new minimum yard, I had set myself up for failure from the start because I didn’t know any better. Slowly, I began to look at it for what it is – a “pit stop” along the way to wherever it is that I am headed. It is not permanent, it is not forever and I have a release date. For the first time in my sentence, I can truly say this is my ‘temporary housing’.  That fact, though still unpleasant in reality, makes me happy.

Most important is that I have adopted immediate counter measures in my everyday life as a mechanism to cope. If you are wondering what that means, here are a few examples:

Challenge: The food served here is atrocious and unidentifiable.

Counter Measure: I am thankful that I have my own food and the support from my mother that enables me to eat well.

Challenge: When I speak to some of my fellow inmates it feels like the very process of doing so is robbing me of brain cells.

Counter Measure: I pick up the phone and call Joey, my mom, Deb or Kevin and talk about something interesting and intelligent

Challenge: I really hate wearing the color orange

Counter Measure: Luckily for me, there are worse colors against my skin tone

Challenge: I hate my job

Counter Balance: I remind myself that 85% of Americans also hate their jobs and they aren’t in prison!

In adopting this behavior, it has allowed me to genuinely be more positive and care less about all the crap that has been getting me down. Yes – “this too shall pass”, but I have to be able to deal with it in a smart and positive way.

‘A Brand New Day’

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

 

Life in Florence is slowly becoming my new ‘normal’. My schedule is now full and I suppose, I should be thankful for that. Naturally I am a “go getter’ and prefer to stay busy. This particular schedule however, is giving me a run for the money.

04:00 – Wake up, pee, brush teeth, shower, write or blog

05:00 – Report to the sally port to leave the unit for work

06:00 – Report to work

17:45 – Leave work and travel back to the prison unit

18:30 – Work out, eat dinner, make phone calls, and shower

20:00 – Settle in for TV, read, write or socialize

22:00 – Fall asleep

The good news is that the days are flying by and I feel every day as I am going through it. I should embrace this right? I mean, I have one of the most highly sought after jobs that an inmate can have. I make a whopping $.80 cents an hour – which is the highest amount we can make. I’m healthy, in shape and have extraordinary support from the outside. Nobody really bothers me and I stay away from the nonsense. All of these things are good.

Still… if all of this is good, why am I so unhappy?

Life is funny. I have to acknowledge my own advice to other people and do something about my unhappiness. I have to figure out something or at least begin to really appreciate what I do have. I need a change because I refuse to stay in such a melancholy state of mind.

I know that finding my own version of ‘happy’ is possible. I have done it in much worse situations than this. I think I have become complacent with who I have become and this is my very real wake up call. I need to look at everyday as if it is truly a brand new day.

This is something I know that I can do

‘The Pursuit of Happiness, Flaws and All’

Saturday, February 22, 2014

I have been having an ongoing dialogue with a dear friend of mine regarding happiness and how the definition of it, the very idea of it, varies so definitively from one person to another. 

I make no bones about the fact that I have some…let’s say ‘challenging’ character traits. Taking that into consideration, I have to wonder if I am not meant to find my “happy”. 

Consider for the moment the following traits:

• Type A personality
• Methodically clean and organized
• Hyper analytical
• Stubborn and Decisive
• Confident
• Unforgiving

I suppose the fact that I am completely aware that I have these ‘flaws’ is half of the battle. Still, I have to take it a step further because they hinder certain aspects of my life. Like anything there is a positive and a negative to this; I am glad that I have these traits but I know that, in the pursuit of my own happiness, that it may very well be that I am never satisfied enough.

Over the years it has become clear that I am the type of person who is happiest while I am in the pursuit of something; a goal or at least I have an objective. I decide on something that I want to accomplish and then I Genuinely love the process, the drive and energy while working toward it. The key is that once I have completed what I have set out to do, I have to immediately begin a new task. If I have no task or goal to work toward to, then I lose energy and quickly qualify myself as ‘unhappy’.

Is this trivial? I’m not sure. I want so badly to be ‘ok’, to be able to be content with whatever life I end up with. The reality is that I’m just not that person though. I think it’s time that I either admit it, or begin putting a lot of energy into changing some things about myself. But these are things that I am not even sure are changeable.

I need to embrace myself, flaws and all – right? I must learn to accept that I may just have a different ‘Happy’.