‘Personal Viewpoints’

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Over the years, I have been secretly trying to find the best possible “me” that I could find. For some of us, we need to work on that more diligently than others because somehow, we’ve lost our way. When that happens, I myself always have to start back at square one. Once I started becoming truly honest with myself, it was rather easy. I took a deep breath and accepted that I know who I am, how I feel and think etc... I needed to be true to these things in order to be genuine with “David”.

Evolution happens whether we like it or not. It’s one of those things that will forever be out of our control to a certain extent. In my own humble way, I have learned to accept and embrace change. I know that things will invariably change and so, in order to remain positive about it, and not fear it, I have instead, chosen to look forward to it. That said, I have evolved in my own individual way and that’s alright. No matter what changes occur, I have already acknowledged a baseline of my own personal viewpoints in life. Everything branches off of these ideas as they are fundamental to who I am.

Here are some of my own personal viewpoints. You can agree or disagree, but either way – you will ultimately learn a great deal about me through these convictions:

Life is – about the destination

Competition is – winning

Vanity is – Looking your best is very important

Relationships are – Essential. Partnering with someone is the core foundation of one’s happiness. The security of knowing someone is there – is key

Physical Fitness is – Vital. Working out/exercise enhances your overall appearance and makes you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically

Wealth is – Defined by what you own and achieve

Cleaning is – Critical. An orderly environment enables you to think more clearly, feel organized and in control

Status is – Tangible. You are always being judged by others on your socioeconomic position in society

Happiness is – Being in control of your life and destiny and being able to change things when needed.

My vision, my core values and life experience can in some way be pinged off of – or to – one of these statements. I make no apologies for my viewpoints because it is what I believe. There is no way of telling whether these ideas were spurned by environmental influence or not but I believe that most people are molded to think one way or another from a very young age. It is possible that I was influenced throughout my childhood and it has become what I believe as an adult. This is me – after my individuality and life experience was blended up with my moral compass.

Outlook on life can, and will change. This I know. There is no way to compare a life behind bars to that of someone for example, with terminal cancer. The viewpoints would be completely divergent in every way. The core values of simply wanting to live however, may still be the same. 

It’s all very thought provoking and well, uncanny.

A Brand New Day

Monday, December 9, 2013

How long has it been?

I have found myself sitting down to write so many times in the past months but when I did, I realized that I simply was not ready. Prison can take so much spirit from us that at times, we feel like small gerbils encased in plastic balls, working so hard but getting nowhere.  The ball continues to bang into one obstacle after another. We switch directions only to find another obstacle in the way. Finally, after so many tries, some greater power, or person picks you up and takes you out of the game. Essentially, that is what happened to me.

For me, I didn’t realize that it had happened until afterward. I was exhausted from not only my work, but also from my surroundings. I continued to overlook myself with things to do and responsibilities that needed to be taken care of. I did it knowingly so that I would have a sense of purpose, so that I would be needed for something; and relied upon. Problem is that it only works for so long because once a prison realizes that they rely upon and trust an inmate for too long, and for too many things… they cut us off at the knees. In my case, that meant moving me from everything I knew and grown accustomed to, to a different prison complex in Yuma, Arizona. In effect, it was taking me off the grid.

My transfer took place in mid October and since then, I have had nothing but time for some serious self reflection. I have been playing a dangerous game of staying on the cusp of falling into a depression and so far, I have been able to manage. Prison and depression probably have always gone hand in hand – if you ask me. I know I personally have succumbed to it a time or tow and have had to dig myself out of it.

This is the first time in many years that I have nothing to keep me going, nothing beside my mind. I have no job, no projects, or responsibilities. Here, there are no familiar faces or any real reason to ever get up out of bed in the morning.  I do get up of course, but it puts a great deal of things into perspective. 

For so long, I have looked around at the inmate population around me and judged them, criticized them for doing nothing. Now I realize that it’s prison, it’s prison that has taken their spirit away from them and they have succumbed to it. I’m not talking about the drug users or the hustlers. I’m referring to the huge population that sleeps 16 hours a day and – when they are up, they are still in bed. It’s sad and so disheartening. If I ask someone why they don’t get up, they respond with; “what for?”

I do not want to become one of those people so once again, I will use fear as a motivator.

Today is a new day.

My days are certainly not full anymore. In fact, I find myself desperate at times to find ways to keep busy. I am working out all the time and find myself cleaning and reorganizing my cubicle time, and time again. I have definitely adopted some obsessive traits. I call the people I love much more than normal because I have the time to do so now. On those calls, I try my best to put on an air of “all is well”. I figure; why bother them with my stuff?  Half of the time, I can’t even explain it myself. So for them, I am relaxed, comfortable and care free. It’s what I do.

It’s writing that has always allowed me to find my way out of misery. So it’s writing that I shall do.

Another successful food visit; "We could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food."

Monday, February 11, 2013

Yesterday’s events went perfectly. It was, by all accounts, the 1^st good day that I have had in some time and the only thing that could have made it better would have been to have had someone special to make love to, have a glass of wine with and to watch the Grammy Awards with. Instead, I opted to sit in my bed with John, down bottles of water and watch the Grammy’s.

Mom, Kevin, Paula and Deb all arrived early with two large coolers of treats. They had been slowly preparing this feast since Friday afternoon. Breakfast was Starbucks coffee with homemade vanilla topping, crepes filled with Nutella and bananas, French toast stuffed with cream cheese, oranges and Grand Marnier, prosciutto cups with mushrooms, eggs and bacon. Lunch was tomato bisque, linguini with clams, mussels and shrimp in a wine sauce, baked tilapia in a pablano chili cream sauce, meatloaf with mashed potatoes mixed with gouda cheese and horseradish. Desert was a pineapple upside down cheesecake, a chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake, and a chocolate-peanut butter crème brulee’ cheesecake - all from the Cheesecake Factory.

The food was amazing and John and I grazed on everything throughout the entire day. By the time 4:00 PM came around, we could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food. It was well worth it!

I actually slept in this morning, perhaps a foodie hangover, so I got up around 7:00 AM. I’m off of work today which is great. I think we can both use a day to recover! The only plan I have today is to get a workout in at some point before day’s end.

The biggest dick club; "We’ve taken to playing a game that involves naked jumping jacks."

Monday, January 7, 2013

Okay, so this is completely off the wall, but sometimes we have way too much time on our hands. Take into consideration also, that we live in a very big locker room of sorts.

John, I and another friend of ours, are all pretty well endowed. I am not bragging, but put it this way; we are never made fun of in the shower or locker room. Anyway, when we all shower together, we’ve taken to playing a game that involves naked jumping jacks. The 1^st one to consecutively hit their belly button with their penis 10 times – has to cook dinner. I know, I know, this sounds so completely elementary school. More hysterical though, is that other guys have been desperately trying to join our “club”. They slip, they slide and make complete fools of themselves when they know that it will just never happen for them.

This is what grown men do when they are bored, naked and in the shower.

Support; "Now, it is my turn."

Friday, October 19, 2012

The past couple of days have been pretty good. All of the dorms are officially back on normal operations now so all are welcome to play. Thus far, everyone is playing nicely. I have worked out 5 times in the past 2 days so my body is spent and sore. I will likely take today off. For whatever reason, this physical drive just came over me and so I went with it. I do feel good though.

Mom will be here tomorrow to visit all day. I have not seen her for 6 weeks and it has been good. I have really needed to get myself together mentally. For a good long while, I have been allowing my own mental state to be controlled by everything she has, or has not been doing. There is a very strange shift that has occurred as I have gotten older though. Somehow, I have almost become parental towards her.

Years ago, when I was living my free life, I am absolutely positive that I was making choices and doing things that she did not agree with. But she still supported me in every way. Now, it is my turn. I believe that there are so many things she could be doing to make her life better that she is not willing to do. It upsets me to no end, but I must let it go, and not take it personally. All that said, I hope that tomorrow goes well and that I will be able to stay in a positive mindset.