I called the house this morning to speak with my mother. She had
been asleep since 3:00 AM because her shift at the hospital ended at 2:00 AM.
She has really picked up the pace as far as work goes and, if you were not
already aware, her normal work week is about 90 hours. Picking up the pace from
that – is crazy. One thing for sure, is that she is what we all refer to as a “go
getter”. She is someone who is always doing what she needs to do, to accomplish
her goals.
I am incredibly proud of her, but that does not make up for the
fact that it kills me that I cannot be there to help her. I wish that I could
be contributing in some way because she alone has to do everything. It is all
on her and it’s a lot. She takes it with ease and we communicate about
everything. I know that if it bothers me though, then it must bother her too.
What upsets me though is that she has no life really. If she is
not at work, then she is visiting her only child at a state prison. Occasionally
she will go to the mall for some retail therapy. It is after all, a cathartic
experience - even if she doesn’t go to many places to wear what she purchases.
It occurred to me that neither of us are very happy with too much
in our lives. We both work simply to remain busy and to keep our minds off the reality
we face once we lay our heads down to rest. I am working 5, twelve hour days a
week now. I do this not for the paycheck, but because it gives me a sense of
purpose and so that I am not reminded of the fact that I am in prison all day
long.
My mother works even more because she is not happy with her life
in Arizona. She will not leave however until I am released from prison. The
only happiness she gets is being back in Boston visiting with Joe, or hanging
out with my aunt Deb one evening every other week or so. Once again, I am
forced to remember that all of this – is my fault. It’s all a domino effect
because of my car accident and there is nothing I can do about it.
I have given
up asking, begging and pleading with her to leave. One mistake that I have made, was always telling her everything
that goes on behind these walls. She has become incredibly knowledgeable in all
things prison and for that reason alone, she will not leave.
It is an incredibly heavy weight for me to carry around. Someone
else’s unhappiness can feel like the world sometimes.
