Saturday, March 16, 2013

Phone calls with Mom; "Someone else’s unhappiness can feel like the world sometimes."

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I called the house this morning to speak with my mother. She had been asleep since 3:00 AM because her shift at the hospital ended at 2:00 AM. She has really picked up the pace as far as work goes and, if you were not already aware, her normal work week is about 90 hours. Picking up the pace from that – is crazy. One thing for sure, is that she is what we all refer to as a “go getter”. She is someone who is always doing what she needs to do, to accomplish her goals.
I am incredibly proud of her, but that does not make up for the fact that it kills me that I cannot be there to help her. I wish that I could be contributing in some way because she alone has to do everything. It is all on her and it’s a lot. She takes it with ease and we communicate about everything. I know that if it bothers me though, then it must bother her too.

What upsets me though is that she has no life really. If she is not at work, then she is visiting her only child at a state prison. Occasionally she will go to the mall for some retail therapy. It is after all, a cathartic experience - even if she doesn’t go to many places to wear what she purchases.
It occurred to me that neither of us are very happy with too much in our lives. We both work simply to remain busy and to keep our minds off the reality we face once we lay our heads down to rest. I am working 5, twelve hour days a week now. I do this not for the paycheck, but because it gives me a sense of purpose and so that I am not reminded of the fact that I am in prison all day long.

My mother works even more because she is not happy with her life in Arizona. She will not leave however until I am released from prison. The only happiness she gets is being back in Boston visiting with Joe, or hanging out with my aunt Deb one evening every other week or so. Once again, I am forced to remember that all of this – is my fault. It’s all a domino effect because of my car accident and there is nothing I can do about it.
I have given up asking, begging and pleading with her to leave. One mistake that I have made, was always telling her everything that goes on behind these walls. She has become incredibly knowledgeable in all things prison and for that reason alone, she will not leave.
It is an incredibly heavy weight for me to carry around. Someone else’s unhappiness can feel like the world sometimes.

A new job = new responsibilities; "I am exhausted just thinking about it."

Monday, March 4, 2013

Things are changing rapidly here and though I am 100% supportive of them, it is already apparent that a lot of officers are not as accepting to change.
The new deputy warden believes in ownership, responsibility and accountability. She insists on consistency throughout with inmates as well as staff and she is aware that change here is essential.

During my meeting with our new Deputy Warden, I was informed that I will be running programs and special projects. I have facilitated all of these things before with her supervision on other yards and so, she is aware if my skills and capabilities. The only downside is that I have never had to do them all.  Right now, as it stands, I will be facilitating the following classes to the inmate populations:

Re-entry Class; This program is designed to educate inmates on the best ways to survive outside f here. The information includes all the basics including how to open a bank account, get an apartment, fill out job applications, how to interview, get health insurance etc.

Cultural Diversity: This is designed specifically for the more hardened, political inmates who need to learn acceptance of all ethnic backgrounds. Ironically it will be me; a multi racial homosexual who will teach them these classes.

Cognitive Thinking; This class will help guys process their thoughts and feelings. So many people do not knopw how to deal with things that go on in their own minds.

Anger Management; The title says it all. We need to try and change the way that inmates in here react to people. In the real world society, people are going to be rude, disrespectful and do upsetting things. We cannot just go around assaulting those who do.

On top of facilitating those 4 classed, I will also be heading up the Restorative Justice Project. This program allows me to set up various fundraisers for all sorts of things for the inmate population to purchase through an approved vendor. Once an item is selected, we mark up the purchase price 100%. We purchase the items for the inmates and the profits received are then donated to the Victims Rights Fund.
The Special Projects aspect is basically that I have to keep a tally of things that need to be done; i.e.: painting tasks, maintenance and grievance issues etc..

So it appears that I have my work cut out for me. And I will be compensated $.50 cents an hour. Right now, I am exhausted just thinking about it all and I need to sleep.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Introducing my mom to my pen pals; a huge topic of conversation...

Monday, February 11, 2013

Over the years, I have had many interesting pen pals and a couple of borderline serious relationships. Each of them has been a learning experience and an adventure in their own way. I have however; been very conscientious about keeping my pen pals separate from my friends and family… especially my mom. There is only one exception to this that has had a positive outcome. Joe, who readers of this blog know, is not only my nearest and dearest friend; he was also my very 1st pen pal in 2007. Since he was the 1st, I took to confiding in my mom about him. When it came time for Joe and I to finally meet, well, mom wanted to meet him as well. They really hit it off, and since then, have developed quite an extraordinary friendship of their own. A lot of this has to do with the fact that they can have relatable conversation. Whatever the case may be, it works.
In 2008, I became seriously involved with a pen pal. He was a model living in Chicago and we really hit it off… at least on paper and phone.  I genuinely believed that he could be the “one for me”, because he seemed to be perfect in every way. When it came time for him to fly out and visit for a weekend, again, mom wanted to meet him. This amazing and perfect man, turned out to be a total basket case. He all but proposed to me at visitation. He spoke about relocating to Arizona until I was released. Later, he broke down sobbing and losing it in front of my mom. Whoa.
Needless to say, things did not work out all that well.

Since that experience, I have not made much mention of my pen pals, nor have I even begun to entertain the thought of them meeting my mother.  The time has come again for me to decide on this though and I think I am going to throw caution to the wind and go for it.
A man whom I have been writing to, James, has already met Joe and the idea of him now meeting my mother has come up. I decided that I would like for them to meet. Since Joe has already met him and likes him a lot, I am certain that it will be fine. There are also no romantic possibilities lingering between James and I. He is already in a relationship, and I am not his ‘type’, so I think we are safe. Over and above all that though, I genuinely like him very much and he is a good friend.

In addition to James, is my friend Parishot, a really great guy who currently lives in New Delhi. He is going to try and come out to visit in April and I am leaning towards getting him and my mom together. Both of them are world travelled and work in the medical field so I believe they would have a lot of things to talk about. I still have time to decide on this, but my mind is asking; “why not?”

How does an inmate give off the perception of being a "Lifer"?

Monday, February 11, 2013

Late last night, as I was standing in front of the mirror brushing my teeth, another inmate, who I do not speak to very often, was staring at me through the reflection in the mirror. I paused and asked him what he was looking at. He said that he was curious about what I had done to receive a life sentence. That question got me to spit out my toothpaste immediately, turn around and ask him why he thought I had a life sentence. He claimed that it was the way I carry myself. I informed him that I had a 16 year long sentence and that I had five years remaining. He appeared to be surprised by this and apologized before making a fast exit from the bathroom.
I resumed my tooth brushing detail but began studying myself in the mirror. I didn’t think that I looked like a ‘lifer’, but then, I couldn’t describe what a lifer actually looked like. Thinking about my behavior and the way that I carry myself was also unconvincing. As I left the bathroom, I was in a state of confusion. Never before had someone assumed that I was in prison for a life sentence. The very idea of that, was heart stopping.

27 inches of snow in Boston; Am I crazy to wish that I was there?

Monday, February 11, 2013

The Nor’easter/blizzard of 2013 that hit my soon to be hometown of Boston this past Friday and Saturday was mind blowing simply to watch on CNN. I tried my best to stay in contact with Joe. He has of course, been fine. As I watched the aftermath on TV on Saturday evening, I realized that longed to be there. Then again, in retrospect, I am in prison so, I’d rather be in Baghdad if given the option. Maybe a blizzard isn’t that crazy at all…
New England certainly has their work cut out for them. I hope that they all get back on track soon.


Another successful food visit; "We could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food."

Monday, February 11, 2013

Yesterday’s events went perfectly. It was, by all accounts, the 1st good day that I have had in some time and the only thing that could have made it better would have been to have had someone special to make love to, have a glass of wine with and to watch the Grammy Awards with. Instead, I opted to sit in my bed with John, down bottles of water and watch the Grammy’s.
Mom, Kevin, Paula and Deb all arrived early with two large coolers of treats. They had been slowly preparing this feast since Friday afternoon. Breakfast was Starbucks coffee with homemade vanilla topping, crepes filled with Nutella and bananas, French toast stuffed with cream cheese, oranges and Grand Marnier, prosciutto cups with mushrooms, eggs and bacon. Lunch was tomato bisque, linguini with clams, mussels and shrimp in a wine sauce, baked tilapia in a pablano chili cream sauce, meatloaf with mashed potatoes mixed with gouda cheese and horseradish. Desert was a pineapple upside down cheesecake, a chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake, and a chocolate-peanut butter crème brulee’ cheesecake - all from the Cheesecake Factory.

The food was amazing and John and I grazed on everything throughout the entire day. By the time 4:00 PM came around, we could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food. It was well worth it!
I actually slept in this morning, perhaps a foodie hangover, so I got up around 7:00 AM. I’m off of work today which is great. I think we can both use a day to recover! The only plan I have today is to get a workout in at some point before day’s end.


Saturday, March 9, 2013

Sometimes I wish we, as human beings, did not allow fear to be a motivator as often as we do

Thursday, February 28, 2013

So much of what I do in here is out of fear.
I am continuously reminding myself of what would, could or should happen if I do not do something, act a certain way or appear in a such a way. It’s certainly jarring at times. It has also caused me to wonder if it will be similar outside these walls. No doubt I am always overwhelmed some of the madness in here. It is inevitable that I will likely be overwhelmed by a multitude of things outside these walls as well. It will be different though…. Right?

Perhaps the use of fear as a motivator is just the way it is supposed to be.

When inmates are bored, they stir the pot; "it is NOT acceptable for the Crips to discipline a Blood"

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

There is a particular Brotha here who, I believe, runs with the Bloods and he works the yard crew. What that means is that he does nothing but walk the yard, pick up trash, polish brass on doors etc.. The rumor is, he has become a bit too comfortable with the officers. Unbeknownst to me, the remainder of the inmate population says that he is always talking to various officers. Since his job does not require him to be in communication with the officers, this is seen as a bad thing on the yard.
This morning, a couple of Crips from the other side of the yard came over and threw a few punches into this guy’s face. Now, despite the fact that the majority of the inmate population believed he should be disciplined, it is NOT acceptable for the Crips to discipline a Blood. This particular event has initiated a huge amount of Crips vs. Bloods activity from one side of the yard to the other. Since no one is passing through from one side to the other today, all conversations will have to be put on hold until tomorrow.

Hell hath no fury!
 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Out with the old, In with the new; Back to administration I go as the Special Projects Clerk

Monday, February 25, 2013

A new administrator has been brought in to revamp our unit. I know this woman on a professional level and have many years history of working with her. I 2008, I assisted her and another deputy warden in developing a statewide program called Earned Incentive Program (EIP) for all inmates. I was interviewed with them on PBS by John Lehr and another director at that time. Needless to say, we have history.
My boss and I happened to go up to administration this morning to deliver a computer. When the new administrator saw me, she immediately called me over to her. She asked me where I was working and I told her. Then she said; "Not anymore you’re not…” My boss attempted to intervene and keep me, but she pulled rank and said that now, I would be officially working for her.

So back to administration I go as the Special Projects Clerk.
I begin next Monday.

Fear and loathing in Scottsdale, Arizona

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Funny, my greatest fear in life has nothing to do with being in prison. One would think I should be most afraid of waking up every day in this place and enduring everything that goes on in here.
The fact of the matter, is that my greatest fear is that for whatever reason, my mother does not take it upon herself to relocate somewhere else that might make her happier. She too, does not like Arizona, but remains here because of me. Perhaps because of that, she has become somewhat complacent in her life. And I worry. As she ages, the inevitability of health problems becomes greater. Should something happen to her within the next 5 years, then I would of course be required to return to my old home here in Arizona upon my release. Scottsdale represents a sad, negative and tragic past for me. The possibility of having to begin my life there, with all those dark memories, rocks me to my core. There would be no other option though.

It is something I would have to do.

Shifting relationships

Sunday, February 24, 2013

I am upset with myself, It wasn’t until this weekend that I really recognized a complete shift in my relationship with my mother. She and I have had an amazing life together and I have always considered her as my best friend rather than my mother. It worked for us though, and looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Still, underneath it all, I have always been her “baby”.
Today however, I am 32 years old. I want to be independent, to have a separate life and possibly, have a partner to build that life with. With that in mind, I have been continuously been working on finding a true balance between myself and my mom. Right now, as I sit here at my little metal desk in prison, I can do that with relative ease. Successfully doing that while I am out in the real world, is going to be a bit more challenging. I do not view it as a good or bad thing, but simply, something that I am going to have to do in my life, in order to have a life.

A weekend of change and recognition

Sunday, February 24, 2013

It’s closing in on 1:00 AM and I can’t sleep. My mind is traveling at 100 MPH as I am going over this weekend’s conversations with Joe. As a whole, the weekend was wonderful. All of my time spent with Joe is special because I get to exhale and truly be “me”. It’s a real escape from prison because I do not have to go over all the things that are happening here on a daily basis.
We talk about life, our friends, and help each other get clarity on so many things. He is a true friend. At the same time, he is the one person in my life who is able to successfully call me out on my shit and dig deep within my conscious mind.

A main topic of conversation was the idea of me being released and moving in with him in Boston. I have been going back and forth on this because we are polar opposites in every way. It could be very challenging for us both. I also do not want to insert myself into his well designed bachelorhood. After much consideration, I had decided that rather than moving in with him, it would be best for me to rent a room somewhere close to him in Boston when I eventually get out. Surprisingly, Joe raised some good arguments as to why that would not be the best idea. In the end, the final decision was for me to move in with him as a starting point. Boston will be a big, new city to me and it will allow me the time to get acclimated and adjusted. Of course there will be more conversations about expectations on both ends, but I am so appreciative that he would even do this for me.
Since there are five years remaining until then though, he and I both know that things are subject to change. I may meet a wonderful guy and fall in love. And that man may not be able (or willing) to relocate to Boston. Should that happen, I would have to change everything up. Who knows? Another variable would be the health of my family members. Should one of them become ill, I would of course need to relocate to a location such as San Francisco to support them.  But for now, the tentative plan is to relocate to Boston and begin my new life at Joe’s home in beautiful Mission Hill.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

When the past comes back, it is not always a bad thing;

Thursday, February 14, 2013

My ex partner and I have always sporadically been in contact since our break up. He is a good man who was supportive of me, but the demise of our relationship was twofold; we both made mistakes along the way and the accident was seemingly, the icing on the cake. Initially our communication was confusing for me because our love and memories complicated things. Now though, I believe we are in a really good place. He is a friend and that simple, yet powerful fact surprises me. The very fact that we have a history and have been able to see one another evolve, grow and become better versions of ourselves adds to that bond.
The past year or so, we have been in more steady contact and he has been out to visit a few times. He is relocating to NYC next week from San Francisco for a new job and I am thrilled for him. This coming Saturday will likely be the last time I will see him for a good while, so I am looking forward to that for sure.

As I was speaking to him on the phone yesterday, he asked; “Do you think if the accident had not happened that we’d be doing the whole marriage and kids thing?” I paused and then said that I didn’t think so because I would have inevitably messed things up between the two of us. I stated that it’s quite possible that if not for the accident, that he and I might not even be in contact at all. After a period of silence, he agreed. Again, I have no idea where my life would be or what I’d be doing if I was not here. I do not harp on those possibilities… The ‘What ifs’ are interesting to think about though.
Right now, today, all I think about is what’s to come. That is what gives me peace of mind. This life is not ‘it’ for me, but if not for it, well, I have no idea where I’d be. Is that something to be thankful for?

President's Day was a violent one; "If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down."

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I got up yesterday focused on having a great day. I had to write to a new friend Paul, who another inmate is desperately trying to hook me up with. After that, my plan was to work out, call home and then relax.
The morning was great, but as I went outside around noon, a white inmate was jumped, right in front of me. I kept walking toward the phones. Some guys got him up, and brought him inside. As I got to the phones, two more white inmates were also jumped. I proceeded to call my mom and check in. If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down.

Halfway through my phone call with mom, John rushed over and asked me if I would look at the injuries to one of the white inmate’s head to see if it would require stitches. I ended the call and went to examine the injury. I looked at his head carefully and then informed them that, in my opinion, it would require staples. (I later learned that the medics apparently used super glue instead.)
Realizing that the yard was running on Normal Operations, I decided to go ahead with my work out. The afternoon, at least my afternoon, was really very nice. That cannot be said for everyone.

I am back to work today, which is good. This week is really short. I will only work Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Piece of cake! The best news is that Joe will be here from Boston to spend the entire weekend with me.

That alone, makes my entire month. I can’t wait!
http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/prison-conditions-a-collection-of-images/

A chance encounter that I cannot stop thinking about

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Normally when I am at visitation, I am in my own little world as far as prison goes and I am focused on my conversation with my visitors. Because I have been in prison for so long however, I am always aware of my surroundings.
This past Sunday, I was sitting with Kevin but continued to make eye contact with a very cute guy who was visiting with another inmate. I have seen him many times before. On that day however, our eye contact escalated and out of nowhere, he mentions my name aloud, but in question form. Our eyes locked, and he motioned for me to meet him by a wall in the area.

All he says to me is; “Nice blog”, then smiles and returns to go about his visit. I relayed the comment to Kevin and he laughed. My mind began to swim in thought. I finally worked up some much needed courage to approach him again. I told him that if he is aware of my blog, then he should get in touch with me sometime. He said that he definitely would – but time will tell…