Sunday, March 30, 2014

'Those who stayed'

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Many people ask me if I have lost many friends because of this journey. It is difficult to explain because I truthfully didn’t have any real friends before I came to prison. The people that I was “close” with, would really be classified as acquaintances. They did not know the real me and in turn, I never really knew them. It wasn’t authentic and so, I cannot, in good faith, refer to any of those connections that I had with them as ‘friendships’.

Over many years, I have continued to grow and come into my own. The people that I did have in my life that are special to me, who I have not lost… well, I cannot call them just friends. They are so much more than that. These individuals are incredibly important to me. I love them with such a passion that even I cannot understand it at times. The many layers of my personality, my past, present and future are equally important to them. They know who I am and accept me, flaws and all. I can be vulnerable to them and for that, there are no bounds for what I would do for any of them.
Here are those people and this – is for them.
(Each of you know who you are.)

HELLO KITTY
I love you more than I love myself – or anything else in the world for that matter. There is much that I am so sorry for and yet you have never failed me. We are ‘one’ and I dare say that we always will be. It is amazing how we can hold a complete conversation without ever uttering a single word. There are secrets that we hold for one another that nobody could begin to imagine. The memories of another life, a previous chapter, if you will, are what define you and I. Those moments are sad, tough, fun, crazy and ours alone. Soon enough, we will make new memories. Life will begin again and it will be all about us. I will do my best to remain as your rock. Considering that I owe you my life, I’d say that it is the least I can do. You are my song, my favorite cigar, my Kettle/Grapefruit and the uni on my plate. 6 ½ 10 ½

PATHFINDER
I have loved you for my entire life. You have protected me and loved me unconditionally. You have been my motivation for my career choice; physical, wellness, the outdoors, animals – and of course, my obsession with football. I will never forget all the 49ers games, the music concerts, the ski trips, and our drives to the planetarium. You always let me shift your gears in the Alfa Romero. And you taught me to drive a manual in the Pathfinder over the hills of San Francisco. There will never be a way to thank you because you are too many things to me. You have been my friend, my parent, my advisor, my psychologist and so much, much more. I love you.

MS PENN STATE
Hi gorgeous! What can I say? To me you are like the finest dirty martini in AZ88. You are classic, always in style, and ready to conquer the world. Like so many people in my life, we have developed our own unique bond. I have come to trust you with my secrets just as you do with me. Thank you for being you. I love you!

MISSION HILL
How you and I got to this place is beyond me. Perhaps it is kismet that you are the Ying to my Yang. I will forever cherish that element between us. You challenge me to be better, push me and make me crazy in ways that I never would have imagined. God knows that I never understood that I could want to hug and slap the person I love at the same time until I met you. There are times that I believe that we came into one another’s lives simply to call each other out on our crap. If that is the case, well then I welcome it. Thank you for keeping me sane. I know it has not been easy. I love you unconditionally – even when I want to slap you.

MS FERRARI

You are remarkable, beautiful, hard, a ‘BOSS’, feminine and too damned smart for your own good at times. One would think that we’d be a very odd couple, but in another life, I would marry you in a second. (That is providing of course that in that other life, I came back as a heterosexual…) The bond that we have never dissipates. I admire and love you. Thank you for being such a wonderful part of my life.

So there you have it. You are all my heart, and yes, you are all my ‘friends’.
In time, I know that when I can put this experience behind me that I will meet new people. I look forward to developing authentic and lifelong friendships in the future.

It’s time.

'Sharing My Past'

Tuesday, March 11, 2014
“After my release, how will I guard or share my past with those whom I meet? What will encourage me to be forthcoming and inversely, protective of the information about my incarceration?”

There is a certain human instinct/behavior associated with those who have been in prison. Naturally, the majority of the population fears them. People intrinsically fear that which they do not know. Murderers, rapists, child molesters, home invaders and kidnappers…. The speculation over those who have been in prison is always the worst and most heinous. I cannot blame people for that. The reality is that their speculations are valid to a degree and yes, there are many people who have been in prison that they should fear. I live with them day in and day out and I fear them. What does that tell you?
There is a fundamental problem with society’s perspective though. When it comes to the general public’s view point of ex convicts, we all fit into the exact same category. People who have been in prison are stereotyped like anyone else and obviously that makes it incredibly difficult to re-enter society successfully.

I feel that I should be candid about my past; what I have done and what I experienced as a result. Deciding on when I should tell someone is the challenging part. I do have this blog posted and I do use my real name - but it’s not as if I am a celebrity or on TV. I highly doubt that anybody would recognize me walking down the street. I sincerely believe I will be just another face.

When I do meet someone that I would like to spend more time with, be it a friend or a romantic interest, it’s only right that I tell them after a few meet and greets. From that point, it will be completely up to them to decide whether they can accept me into their lives.
I know there will be shock, judgment and discrimination. I will have to find a way to accept that some people will not be comfortable around me. Changing their minds may be impossible but, I have no alternative other than to accept this inevitable fate.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

'DESENSITIZTION'

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

DESENSITIZTION: to make somebody less responsive to an overwhelming fear by repeated exposure to the feared situation or object, either in natural or artificial circumstances.
I had an outstanding visit with my mom this past weekend. The intensity of the day was spent discussing preparations for our permanent relocation back to Boston. It’s taken some time but I feel as though we are finally on the same page when it comes to comingling our goals.

At one point, we discussed that she will be leaving neonatal/pediatric medicine and returning to the adult trauma department. This was her original specialty and I think she is looking forward to returning to it. I asked if she felt ready for the ‘blood and guts’ again. She inferred that she was definitely ready… that the tolerance for it never really went away. Re-facilitating the ability to compartmentalize all of that was relatively easy for her. It was a thought provoking statement for me to hear her say.
I have been struggling with my own realization of just how desensitized I have become over the years of being incarcerated. In fact, I have gone to great lengths to try an hide it from people who are very close to me. I truly fear that they would think that something is drastically wrong with me. Worse yet, I feel that I would be deemed ‘institutionalized’ or psychopathic by those who I love most.

The truth is that I have lost that basic human emotion/reaction when witnessing physical abuse and/or brutality. I know how that must sound because it feels horrible just saying it. Unfortunately, I have seen things that are simply unforgettable. I must compartmentalize them and believe me I do. But they are there still… buried in the back of my mind.
For me, I am able to consciously decide what I choose to care about. There are things that are off limits of course, like my friends and family. I will never be able to tolerate any type of harm or malicious behavior aimed at them. Aside from them though, I can easily classify any act of violence and essentially choose to not care about it – or feel anything.

I do not like the fact that I am able to do this, let alone be successful at it. It is not natural. It is a trained character trait that I have developed due to an over exposure to violence. I accept the fact that there is a high chance that I will return to the way that I once was. Still, I like to believe that after some time, back in society, that those feelings and emotions will eventually come back and I will be able to react accordingly when exposed to violence.
When I explained this to my mom, she diid her best to ease my mind, explianingthat the adaption I have experienced was a means to survival. It had to happen in order for me to continue to move forward within each day. I know that she is right, but that doesn’t make me feel better about it. In fact, that was kind of frightening.

“Adapt, live or die, right?: It should be the mission statement for all high custody prisons.

'Aging; how it affects my psyche?...my vanity?...my attractions?'

Friday, February 28, 2014

Someone once told me that for gay men, life is over at 30. That aging is more difficult for the gay community than it is for actresses aging in Hollywood.  Though I feel that both these statements are gross exaggerations, they do have a small ring of truth to them.
Personally, I am learning to accept aging in a mature way and at a reasonably good pace. I work hard at staying healthy, in shape and I am happy with the way I look. I enjoy working out and these days, I seem to be doing it more for me rather than for someone else. In the past, I don’t think I would have been able to say that.

My hair began thinning when I was 22. I only recently began to embrace my ‘Jason Stathom’ look in the past year or so. The rough look seems to work for me though. The lines that have begun to develop around my eyes; the quintessential laugh lines… I like them. People have always said that I have ‘old eyes’; intense and even hard – so perhaps I am catching up. As far as my body goes, it is better now than it was ten or even 15 years ago. It’s muscular, flexible, linear in composition. I have a gymnast’s build. I am doing alright for 33. I will be released when I am 37 so I hope to feel the same then as I do now.
As a gay man over 30, I know that for a long time, my attractions were driven by my penis. I was incredibly visual, physical, almost carnal. I could care less if guys could piece together basic sentences. Today though, I am still visual – but in different ways. I have now also incorporated more character and emotional traits into my attraction draws. I can tell the difference between simply being attracted to the fantasy of being with someone versus the authentic person.
Things that get my attention? I love men, masculine men who know their way around a football game, who are comfortable in jeans and baseball hats etc., but are still capable of navigating through this season’s Tom Ford line. I prefer men that go easy on their manscaping. (Grooming is great, but going completely hairless is visually awkward to me… just saying.) I am drawn to men who stay in shape and know how to challenge me mentally.

Typically I look at whether I see myself waking up next to them in the morning; could I trust him, share life and have those wonderful, comfortable silences with him.
Since I lean toward the masculine spectrum, it will always get my attention when a man is powerful enough to tell me “No” and actually get my consideration. I am not exactly sure what that means, but it works more or less.

There you have it; my simple, perhaps impossible list of attractions.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

' DISCRIMINATION'

Friday, February 28, 2014

DISCRIMINATION: Treating people differently through prejudice; unfair treatment of one person or group, usually because of prejudice about race, ethnicity, age, religion, sexual orientation or gender.
I woke this morning to discover that Arizona has a bill waiting to be signed that would allow businesses to turn away homosexuals. I feel so ashamed of the fact that I live in this state. Here it is 2014 and Arizona is taking huge steps backward. Politically, I strongly disagree with most everything that the state of Arizona stands for. Leaving this state will be the best day of my life.

My personal experience;
One would think that growing up in San Francisco I would have been introduced to discrimination early on, but that is not the case. I was taught about it, yes. Living in San Francisco allowed people to be who they were, real and organic. Understanding discrimination and actually being discriminated upon are completely different things.

The first time I experienced discrimination I was in high school here in Arizona. (Scottsdale) Classmates would ask where I was from and I would respond San Francisco. Their immediate thought was that I must be gay. I also realized that everyone divided themselves up into specific groups or cliques. I only attended private schools and the ones in Scottsdale were very different from the ones I went to in California. Financial status as apparently very important in Scottsdale, so by proxy, the kids were divided into three categories; #1 The Wealthy, #2 The Very Wealthy & #3 Those who had more money than the law should allow. In San Francisco, everyone was financially secure but nobody ever spoke about it. No one cared. In Scottsdale however, it was all about the clothes that I wore, the car that I drove, my summer/winter vacation destinations, my parent’s jobs, my address – and how many addresses we had.
Since I was new, nobody really knew much about me so they had no alternative other than to turn their perception into fact. They assumed that I was Latin American or of a mixed ethnicity because of my skin tone and features. They assumed that I was in the 2nd financial category because I drove a Land Rover, wore designer clothes and had more than one address. Initially, I felt as though I would fit in but none of these things really mattered because, at the end of the day, they still believed that I was gay. That in of itself was social suicide in Scottsdale. Being that I was confident in the fact that I was gay however, I decided to rise above it. I figured that I needed to be stronger than the people who were judging me.

My prison experience;
Coming to prison, I was discriminated against not only for being gay, but also for being financially secure, light skinned, attractive, and educated. Saying that I was hated – would be an understatement.

Years later, after more fights than I care to count, and a couple of years in the “hole”, I have established myself in a society that I naturally shouldn’t fit into at all. I don’t want you to think that I have changed everyone’s minds because I haven’t. I have managed to enlighten a few, but in truth, the majority has simply chosen to accept me because it is easier than explaining how they have lost a fight to a homosexual. Many of them also realize that I am smarter than they are and so, in a way, I have Become an asset to them.
You have to remember that this will always be a testosterone based environment. Even though I am masculine, being gay still makes me weak in their eyes.

Yes, I know all about being discriminated upon.

'My Favorite Actors and Films'

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Actresses:
Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, Joan Crawford, Dianne Weiss, Audrey Hepburn, Helen Mirren, Glen Close

Actors
Kevin Spacey, Alana Coming, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jeremy Irons, Jonathon Rhyes Myers, Michael Douglas, Edward Burns

Films

#1 Dangerous Liaisons: Glen Close is one of my favorite actresses. I have always loved period pieces, specifically 16th century ones. The story that is played out in this film is truly masterful and cunning. The acting is on point. The costumes and locations are unforgettable. If you pay close attention, you realize that you are seeing Uma Thurman and Keanu Reeves in the beginning of their acting careers. Lastly, you have the incomparable Michelle Pfeiffer. The film is beautiful, scandalous, provocative, sad and captivating.


#2 Far From Heaven; Julianne Moore is palpable as she tries her best to fight through her own personal scandal. It’s 1950. She is a socialite in New England with a gay man on the down-low as her husband. He is a good man, a wonderful provider and a good husband. But she still wants him to ‘love’ her. The challenges lead her into the arms of her gardener who also happens to be black. When she confesses her feelings for him though, she quickly learns that things cannot turn out as she hoped.


#3 The Women: Iconic in the simple fact that not a single man is present in the film. The first time I watched it, I was with my grandmother who explained how women would go to Nevada for reasonably quick divorces. The notion of that was ridiculous to me but I began to understand the process and the reasons that they did it. The content of the film is surprising when you consider that it is set in the 1940’s. You have women openly discussing infidelity, sex, ageism and a slew of other things that even today, would be challenging topics.

 
 

#4 The Usual Suspects: Who is Kaiser Sossier? The tantalizing thing about this film for is that every time I watch it, I pick up something new that I never realized before. This is one of those storylines that you certainly have to pay very close attention to. The casting is stupendous and there are no words to describe Kevin Spacey’s performance!

 

#5 Normal: Not surprising, the film did not receive the acclaim that I feel it should have. I realize that the subject matter is somewhat taboo and intense though. Imagine a lower class, factory working family in Middle America. Seemingly overnight, the husband decides to transition from male to female. Jessica Lange is remarkable in her role of wife, mother and in the end, friend. It’s not an easy film to watch but it is very powerful and thought provoking.