'Orange is not the new black!'

Monday, January 13, 2014

Believe me, I get the metaphor. I have read the book; ‘Orange is the New Black’ and think the television series is amazing. Let me say though, as someone who is a self acclaimed male clothing whore, to wake up and have to wear orange, every day, for this many years, is horrendous. I cannot imagine ever wearing a shade of orange anything once I am released! I am confident in saying that I won’t even want to be around anyone wearing orange. And I thank God everyday that my respective favorite sports teams have no orange in their team color palettes.

I really don’t believe there is an article of clothing that I miss wearing most. If I had to, I would say a beautiful Dolce & Gabbana suit I had. I used to “swag” it up by wearing a basic white V neck and all white Addidas tennis shoes with it. I miss the way it felt on me and the versatility of it. I’d wear the jacket all the time with jeans and it was great. I really miss good underwear too.

Unfortunately, when I am released, I will be developing my wardrobe from scratch. For one, my body has grown and well, filled out considerably to the point where I am no longer a 28” waist. I am now a 32” waist but my thighs have also grown so it may prove tricky. It will certainly be an adventure I suppose. On the plus side, there are some people that received a beautiful selection of clothing donated to them when my mom finally gave up holding them for me.

C’est la vie.

'A Not So Typical Mother-Son Relationship'

Monday, January 13, 2014
 
This past Saturday, I was on the phone with my mom talking about my biological father. This is a chapter of our lives from 30 years ago and I think both of us realized the ride we have been on since then.
In the beginning, I idolized her. She was beautiful, popular, stylish, strong and rebellious in her own right. I was clearly her little man. She raised me as an adult and as a best friend. When I look back, I think it worked for us. At the same time though, I was still able to take heed when she was putting on the proverbial “mother” hat.

As she developed a relationship with the man I was to call my father, I still came first in everything. When he died, it served to reaffirm the bond that she and I had.

When it came to acceptance, she was the best. She supported my modeling, my homosexuality and whatever else I chose to do. We socialized together regularly in comingled social circles as well as individually and it worked.

Coming to prison changed the dynamic in ways that made the both of us admit that some things became pretty difficult. It was no longer a team effort. I needed her, but could no longer be there for her. At the time, I was too stunned at my circumstances to truly realize what my incarceration had done. Over the years though, it has become clear that she stopped living her life, almost as if she had come to prison with me. She immersed herself in her work and has remained there since. Sometimes the pressure, and yes, the guilt of that is too much for me to bear. On a rare occasion, I can motivate her to go out and do something. When she does, she shops for clothes and shoes but unfortunately goes nowhere to wear them.

She has refused to leave Arizona until I am released and that – is final.

Understand that the realization of this only began to sink in about 4 years ago. It was at that time that I began to see a change in roles. It was as if my maturity had skyrocketed and I evolved metaphysically into a parental position. The irony in this is that I have had to readjust my behavior, my expectations etc..

I try to think how our lives would be if I hadn’t come to prison because I know this incarceration has had such an impact on our relationship.

I see her now at visit and she is still beautiful, strong, popular stylish and rebellious. Behind the designer shades though, her eyes are sad and tired. That is from my doing, I am no longer her little man. I am her incarcerated son; her child. It took 33 years to form that aspect of our relationship.

The Man in the Mirror

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

‘The man in the Mirror’

As I stood shirtless before one the many bathroom mirrors this morning, brushing my teeth and washing the sleep off of my face, I locked eyes with myself. I began to quickly analyze the man I have become.

I am older now, but in a good way. There is no mistaking me for a boy, or somebody in their 20’s. I feel as though I am a handsome man, but that could be because I am surrounded by men who have not taken good care of themselves in life. I have an impenetrable look that can be taken as cold or intimidating. Over the years, the color of my eyes have become lighter and yet, they appear to be almost lonely. There is no denying that I have secrets which I guard very closely. I maneuver throughout each day as if I am completely unaffected by all that goes on around me. But it is all a lie. I have simply become an excellent actor.

The honest truth is that over the past year or so, I have become so good at keeping up appearances that even my friends and family think that I am “okay”. Really, I have just become tired of complaining or talking about my ‘stuff’. I am the only one who can work on me, so I do that on my own. I have chosen this.

I am incredibly driven physically and determined mentally to be the best David that I can be. For now, that means baby steps for me. Again, I have chosen this.

There is so much good within me, but I repress that here. I have developed the ability to know the difference between right and wrong, truth and a lie, reality and fantasy. I am a positive thinking man in a negative thinking environment.  I feel dirty all of the time. It feels like there is a permanent layer of filth upon my skin; a layer of drugs, deceit, grime and rotting teeth. A layer that I will never be able to escape until the day I walk away from this place.

My tattoos tell a story in the mirror reflection. They are bold and unique; rebellious but beautiful. They are both telling and secretive. Soon, my shirt will hide them again and, as I slide my glasses upon my face, the real David will also slide back inside for safe keeping.

Alone, but safe.

That is my man in the mirror.

Being gay in prison – Is it as challenging as it sounds?

Friday, January 3, 2014

Being gay in prison – Is it as challenging as it sounds? The simple answer is yes. Still, the answer deserves more attention than that though, so I will do my best to explain.

As a gay man coming into prison, you have some options as far as how to proceed through incarceration.

1^st Option; Digress back into the closet completely, reel in any of the effeminate mannerisms and characteristics, become a straight man for all intent and purposes. As a means of survival, I think it can be acceptable in this situation for those who truly can commit to becoming someone else.

2^nd Option; Enter prison being true to who you are and immediately become hitched to someone who will protect you so long as you are their ‘property’. Responsibilities become very wife-like i.e. cooking, cleaning, laundry and sex. Remember that there is no divorce in prison though without serious consequences which usually result on serious physical assault.

3^rd Option; Enter prison being true to who you are and stand your ground as far as remaining on your own. You will have to fight a lot initially because people will test you all the time. As a gay man, we are seen as weak and feminine. So you have to prove yourself worthy of acceptance to the heterosexual population. Along with fighting, you should be able to think, act and speak for yourself. You will be judged at everything: how you play sports, workout, wear your clothing, speak, shake hands etc. All of your behavior can be seen as “gay” or “weak” so be clear on who you are andstick to it. Our reputations are everything in here.

I suppose a great many of you are wondering what option I took. I chose Option 3. To be clear though, I had no idea of what options I had when I first came into prison. All I knew was that I had a high profile case and the media had mentioned that I was a gay male. I figured it would come back to haunt me – so I decided to just be ‘me’. None of it was easy and I have been in more physical altercations than I care to admit. After a few years though, the population began to talk and eventually the word gets out that you can hold your own in a fight. At that point, the fights begin to slow down.

Straight men who come into prison are also challenged, but they are given the benefit of the doubt. Gay men walk head first into war as their own personal gladiator. Once you accept that you are on your own, it can be liberating in a way. Your survival is all up to you so when you ‘make it’, well, it’s a pretty surreal feeling. Even now, after all these years, I look in the mirror at least once a day in awe that I have made it this far.

If someone told me years ago that one of the biggest accomplishments that I would have done in my life is surviving 16 years in prison, I would have laughed and then began describing the many ways in which I would likely have been killed on my first day.

In the final analysis, we, as human beings, whether we are straight, gay, transgender, striped, purple, green or whatever, we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We must have faith in ourselves. I made the choice to survive. 

I am surviving and I am doing so as a bi-racial, gay man in prison.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Wednesday, January 1, 2014
 
I would have done this yesterday but I was pretty much asleep by the time the ball dropped in Times Square. The last New Year’s Eve that I actually celebrated was in 2000, the millennium and the memory of that is still very much alive with me. I will hold onto that until I am allowed the opportunity to make new memories. 

So 2014 means that I now officially have 4 more years to go before completing my sentence. There really is light at the end of this journey for me. Now I am eligible to be moved to a minimum custody level prison if the administration believes I would be productive there.

It also means that I have now spent 12 years behind wire fences and barbed wire.

Enough Said.

Like so many others, I did make some New Year resolutions. I usually keep them to myself so that if I break one, nobody knows about it and therefore, can’t say anything. Still, I decided to share them this year and what better way to do that than here, with my readers?

DAVID’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

 

1. BE MORE TOLERANT: I would really like to be more tolerant to others. I go up and down with this at times and, as often is the case, it is completely mood driven. I need to be more even keeled and consistent.
2. BE KINDER TO MYSELF: For those who know me well, I can be a mixed bag. I am however, very self-critical in ways that make me seem crazy. The majority of it is physical changes i.e.; loss of hair, lines in the face, body changes. The problem is that time didn’t stop simply because I came to prison. I subconsciously blame my physical changes on my incarceration and therefore, view them as negatives. That way of thinking does me no good. It is not healthy and certainly not kind.
3. BE FUTURE DRIVEN:It’s so easy for people in prison to give up on the future because we to worry about simply surviving every minute of every day. Sometimes planning next week seems premature – so we don’t. For me, the future has been a “yeah, whatever…” topic because it has always seemed so far away.  I mean, why plan – if I could be killed tomorrow or beaten up so badly that I can’t carry out basic daily functions? These are the ‘what if?’ things that I never share with the people closest to me because I don’t want to worry them. But they are always in the back of my mind though. Every years that passes, is a year I do not have to do again though so I need to make some serious decisions for my future. It’s time.

With that said, I wish everyone a very Happy 2014! Take care of yourselves and do your best to find honor in all that you do!

The Daunting but Exciting re-entry

Monday, december 30, 2013

Time, and time again, I think about my release and though I am anxious and nervous, it is exciting to think about. A friend of mine who was recently released from prison after serving only 9 months, is having some trouble transitioning. It got me to think about how I will react.

 

I look at it as starting my life over again but at 37 years old. I will have no clothes, no money and will literally be starting from scratch. On the plus side, I have an education, social skills and drive. I have faith that I will be okay but I am not sure it is natural for me to feel so confident about it. Life is not particularly easy and it is expensive. The fact that I am also relocating to one of the most expensive cities in the country to make my new home in, is going to be a challenge as well.

 

Is there is a difference in the prospect of institutionalization between people who simply have a taste of confinement versus those who call it ‘home’? At this point, I’m not so sure. Regardless, it’s seriously thought provoking – isn’t it?

Visitation

I spent this past Saturday visiting with my mom and her boyfriend. The day was pretty good. We spent the day catching  up on everything on the home front and talking about the New Year that is upon us. When we hugged at the end of our 8 hour day together, I couldn’t help but to look around. I saw the same group of inmates and the oh so dedicated families, spouses and what not. Realistically, I would say there is only 1% of us that have that support in our lives. The fact of the matter is that most are completely alone here. Even though I don’t care for the majority of the inmate population, I can’t help but to wonder if they would change, be better in some way, if they just had somebody there to support them.  

In the 11 years I have been in prison, I have had somewhere around 500 visits. I sometimes take them for granted and there are times when I am not even up to it. When I look around, I feel differently though. I mean, when I get out of here, I know I will not be taking anything for granted anymore. So why wouldn’t I be doing that in here as well? I don’t know… it was a reality check for me.

The time and money spent to visit with me for 8 hours is crazy when I think about it. In all, it’s around $100. To fill up the gas tank, and they bring $50. in quarters so we can eat & drink from the vending machines all day. It’s a 3 hour drive to the prison which means they are up at 4:00 AM to be here by 8:00 AM. They leave at 4:00 PM only to spend another $100.00 to fill the tank for the 3 hour drive back to civilization. It is a 16 hour day by the time it’s all over. It’s an awful lot to take for granted.

’Life has a way of working itself out’

Monday, December 16, 2013

 

My mother recently shared with me her retirement plans.  After this discussion, I sat down and did the math. If I have figured it out correctly – it  means I will have only two years of freedom to get my own life together before she retires. Inevitably, I will be responsible for her and I am okay with that. Reality is though that I have no idea what that will entail. There is no way to prepare for that really and yet, it is something that I have to seriously think about.

What is more important; her quality of life – or my new life as a free man? How can I successfully merge these two critical goals? Can that be done even? Really, it’s not a matter of ‘can’, but ‘how?’.

 

Life supposedly has a way of working itself out though – right? I should try not to allow these thoughts to consume me and yet, it can all be so overwhelming.  I have nobody to blame but myself though. I could have already established myself and been ready for this had I not been so completely stupid. There is no point in playing the ‘what if?’ game so I will leave it at that.

‘The future; it’s a hindrance’

Monday, December 16, 2013

If you are reading this, then I humbly ask you to take a moment and step outside of yourself. Tell yourself that you are an ex-felon; that you have just spent 16 years in prison and far away from society. Consider that you will have to find ways to raise revenue to support yourself. Also consider that the challenges of finding a job paying much more than minimum wage will be near impossible because of your past. 

 

What would you do?

 

For those of you who have been following me since the inception of this blog, you know that psychology is my passion. My mother and a couple of my aunts are determined to have me re-register for school at Ohio University and work toward my Psychology degree. I keep telling myself that it may very well become a useless degree though because of my history. Explaining that to them, has become more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

As I stated previously, I feel I should focus on being my own boss and really hone in on my aspirations for becoming an athletic trainer.  I somehow need to communicate that to certain people whose opinion I respect highly.

 

What to do? I will keep you all posted.

‘The discontinuation of a quest’

Monday, December 16, 2013

As crazy as it may sound, I have always had that gene inside of myself telling me that having a boyfriend, or being in a relationship, was a sign of accomplishment. I always believed that it would equate to happiness or status. Whatever the case, it was certainly ridiculous in my head. 

I watch these men in here go out of their minds with their relationship issues and then, I look at myself. Why would I want to allow somebody outside of this place have any control over my emotions when dealing with this environment is already challenging enough? I have been completely illogical for far too long. When I sit and think about it, in its entirety, what does it really mean to be in a relationship with someone in prison? There is no sex, no intimacy, no sharing of everyday experiences. The concept is so astounding to me because it is completely psychological.

We, as inmates, get to say that we are in a ‘relationship’ and in that, we are also saying that somebody outside these walls, cares about us. It’s almost like a status symbol in here to be able to say that we have someone outside of here, who is unrelated, that loves us.

I hate that I feel like I need someone in my life because I don’t. I have the most amazing friends and family. I’m so much less stressed when I am not trying to find that connection with someone anyway. Most importantly, though I am only lying to myself. My standards are impossible to meet for men outside these walls – Why in the world would I think that I could ever meet someone whilst still serving out my sentence?

UGH. I’m done.

Where is this coming from? It stems from a compilation of things. It is primarily due to the fact that I am lonely. But I confuse the loneliness with wanting a relationship – and it’s not really about that at all. It is so much bigger that a relationship with another person.

I am tired of living around people that I have absolutely nothing in common with, who have a complete lack of communication skills. I rarely have a conversation with someone in here without having to dumb myself down. When I do that, the overall perception is that I am intentionally making people feel stupid and that I must think I am better than they are.

I am better that they are though…. Right? Maybe I am not? Maybe I am a total loser? After all, I am in orange. I am a convicted felon – and despite the fact that my crime was an accident, I am classified as a murderer. Wow.  That pretty much sounds like a loser to me.  Again….lying to myself. The fact that I have support and love from family and friends says that I am lucky, nothing more really. That in mind, I think the whole loneliness thing is exactly what we are supposed to be feeling in prison. 

Exile, alienation and all that… we just experience it in very different ways. Think about this; how long can a psychiatrist study and live among their patients before they go a little crazy themselves?

I don’t know. Perhaps I am having an epiphany, but its how I am feeling currently.

‘My Future’

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Come the 1^st of the new year, I will have 5 years remaining on my sentence. That may seem like a great deal of time to many people, but in comparison to the time I have already served, it is going to go by very quickly.

Release is – and always has been, the biggest challenge for people who are incarcerated. It seems that nobody is taught the proper skills for reentering society. For those who have no means, family, education or work skills, the chance for them to re-offend is very high and recidivism is likely. I know that I am in a fantastic position, blessed in fact. 

I have a number of family and friends willing to take me in and help me get back on my feet. I am educated and I do have some work skills. 

The easy things I have already decided upon. My destination will be Boston, Massachusetts. I will be living with my friend Joey initially. We will both have to make some concessions to each other but I think it will actually be the best decision for me. We have spoken about it and it will, no doubt, be an adventure.  Moving in with my mother is a distant option. She will have to be living in Boston and established there prior to my release for me to even consider it. The thought of the both of us starting over in a new city is a huge undertaking. One that I would hate to take on.

But now the toughest decision remains hanging in the balance; what in the world am I going to do for work? I candidly admit that it this decision terrifies me the most. It’s not as ex-offenders have their picks of jobs. I would love to work for myself. I have a passion for fitness and intuitively, I keep coming back to becoming an athlete or a personal trainer. Beginning that at the age of 37 though, is what gives me pause. I think it’s what I am supposed to do though. I feel it. In any case, the clock is ticking and I need to get on the ball.

A part of me loves the idea that I am not sure how my life will turn out, but like so many, I am incredibly anxious about it.