‘The Pursuit of Happiness, Flaws and All’

Saturday, February 22, 2014

I have been having an ongoing dialogue with a dear friend of mine regarding happiness and how the definition of it, the very idea of it, varies so definitively from one person to another. 

I make no bones about the fact that I have some…let’s say ‘challenging’ character traits. Taking that into consideration, I have to wonder if I am not meant to find my “happy”. 

Consider for the moment the following traits:

• Type A personality
• Methodically clean and organized
• Hyper analytical
• Stubborn and Decisive
• Confident
• Unforgiving

I suppose the fact that I am completely aware that I have these ‘flaws’ is half of the battle. Still, I have to take it a step further because they hinder certain aspects of my life. Like anything there is a positive and a negative to this; I am glad that I have these traits but I know that, in the pursuit of my own happiness, that it may very well be that I am never satisfied enough.

Over the years it has become clear that I am the type of person who is happiest while I am in the pursuit of something; a goal or at least I have an objective. I decide on something that I want to accomplish and then I Genuinely love the process, the drive and energy while working toward it. The key is that once I have completed what I have set out to do, I have to immediately begin a new task. If I have no task or goal to work toward to, then I lose energy and quickly qualify myself as ‘unhappy’.

Is this trivial? I’m not sure. I want so badly to be ‘ok’, to be able to be content with whatever life I end up with. The reality is that I’m just not that person though. I think it’s time that I either admit it, or begin putting a lot of energy into changing some things about myself. But these are things that I am not even sure are changeable.

I need to embrace myself, flaws and all – right? I must learn to accept that I may just have a different ‘Happy’.

‘Working on why I want Love’

Friday, February 21, 2014

 

Intuitively, I aspire to be in a relationship but as I progress in this journey, I am becoming increasingly aware of not only what a relationship would mean, but more importantly, why I would want one in the first place. If I acknowledge the logical side of my brain, I know that I would like to be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. For a very long time, I have had this notion in my mind that being in a relationship was actually a sign of status, or even accomplishment. It is certainly a sign that I have done what is expected in life. It’s archaic and it took a very close friend of mine to point out that picture for me. It was a very jagged pill to swallow but I did. Now I am working diligently on absorbing it, but denial can be a disease to some of us. 

I don’t like fashioning myself to that of a female, but there is a statement made by Chimamanda Ngozi Aside that reads:

"We teach our girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls ‘you can have ambition but not too much. You can be successful, but not too successful; otherwise you threaten the man.

Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is most important.

A marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support, but how do we teach girls that they should aspire to marriage and not teach boys the same?

We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for the jolt of accomplishment which I think can be good.

We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are."

‘Feminist’; A person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes.

Like so many things in our lives, we are predisposed to things that we believe that we want or need. Sometimes we find ourselves in steady search of those things without knowing the reason behind them. More often than not, we as human beings want those things that are not always best for us at the time.

I know that barely scraping the surface here but I need to work on all of these things.

I think that’s enough David philosophy for one day….

‘A leap in time’

Friday, February 21, 2014

Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts, my mind wanders to the ‘what will be’ part of my life; the FUTURE. 

I admit full-heartedly that there are times that I become frustrated, depressed and well, saddened at what has become of my life. It is nobody's fault but my own and I try to ignore it most times but reality has a way of rearing its ugly head.

 

What’s to become of me when the time comes for me to walk out of these tall fences, so neatly trimmed with barbed wire? Am I to believe that there is a plan already laid out for me, some intrinsic outline of my life that has already been written in the stars? I’d like to think that we are in control of our own destinies but if that is the case than I have no more chances. I have to do my best to turn this life that I have led thus far in a very different direction. Rewrite the script if you will…

 

I know what I imagine, and what that is - could be interpreted as simple, or perhaps even minimal. Will I be my own success story? If so, how will I know when I have succeeded? Everyday I watch people chase things round and round, trying to accomplish more and more. How much is enough though? Don’t we all measure success in different ways? For some, its money but for others; it may be family, friends, their career, health or even love and relationships.

 

For me, I hope to be able to work, have a career, and be successful and independent. I want to own my own home, a loft or an apartment in the city (Boson). It doesn’t need to be extravagant or ‘over the top’. I am a dog lover so I see a puppy as my ‘partner’ almost immediately upon my release. I would love a small circle of friends and of course, to be close to my family. Weekend get-aways and vacations are all well and good, but I have really become rather simplistic in my wants and needs. That is to be expected when you have had to fit your entire life into a few small banker boxes and a 10x6 space. I live in an area that is smaller than the closet of my home prior to coming into prison. 

That fact alone should really put things into a proper perspective.

‘My Idols’

Friday, February 21, 2014

“IDOL”; object of adoration; somebody or something greatly admired or loved, often to excess

 

My Mother

My mom is perfectly imperfect in every way. She and I share an unimaginable bond and I’d go as far as to say that it was kismet that I ended up being her son. She is educated, beautiful, classic, independent, opinionated, compassionate, and strong. Classifying her as culturally diverse would be unfair because she is so much more than that. She has remained open minded enough to maneuver seamlessly within differing cultures. Additionally she has been able to respect and appreciate all things, even those that she may not particularly agree with. As a child, I used to study her. Whether it was applying makeup, curling her eyelashes, or working a room full of people,  I would watch her carefully. Her work ethic is incomprehensible and I have been lucky enough to have that example in life. As I age, I have begun to accept and embrace the fact that I am unequivocally my mother’s son… and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Tom Ford

I love everything that this man stands for. I have paid close attention to his career beginning with his first years with Gucci and I have always supported his efforts in the fashion community. I believe that he is kind, compassionate, honest, handsome, successful and also, a humanitarian. I think he is a solid role model for the man of today, both gay and straight. The drive and the passion that he has for what he does is indisputable. He is always in full representation of his authentic self and I admire that. There is something to be said for a person that can be so successful in life and still maintain a level of humility. Tom Ford is that person and Idolizing him, for me, comes effortlessly.

Robin Roberts

Wow. To say that I admire this woman is an understatement. I have regained sight of my own inner strength simply by watching her endure and conquer her health issues.  She is exquisite, courageous, strong, and positive. One day I will reach out to her, if for no other reason than to say that I love her as a human being, as a woman and as a symbol of strength and equality. We all could learn something from her.

Alex Minski

Since learning about this man, I have been captivated by him. I suppose that after hearing his story, most people would be. The man went from being a marine, to being an amputee, only to subsequently become an alcoholic. He climbed out of his own personal darkness and elevated himself to supermodel status all by the age of 27. Like me, he has had a crash course in life. From a person who knows what the bottom looks like, I can relate to his journey. I love what he stands for, how he allowed himself to adapt, change and grow. I can only hope to be as successful as he has been when my time to re-emerge back into society comes.

‘Career Plan’

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Like so many people, I struggled with deciding what it was I actually wanted to do for a living. I had many interests and they each made me happy and feel fulfilled in some way. 

The serious interest that I have had in my life are:

Sports

Cooking

Physical Fitness

Fashion Design

Interior Design

Equestrian

Medicine/Psychology

Automobiles

Only recently did I make the final decision on pursuing a Pro-Athletic Trainer career. Mind you, my options became increasingly limited since I have become a felon.  Ironically, this decision could have so easily been mine even without my history.

I genuinely love physical fitness, sports, nutrition and overall health and wellness. I’m incredibly disciplined with it and began taking specific college level courses in this industry via correspondence in 2009. Since then, I have earned my MFT (Masters in Fitness Training). Currently I am working on specific certifications in strength conditioning and sports nutrition. My goal is to have as many certifications and degrees in my field as possible. I need to be as marketable as possible upon my release as a freelance trainer/nutritionist.

 

In the research that I have done, I have found that I will be able to be independent and self sufficient doing this for a living. Doing this will also allow me to be my own boss and not have my criminal history as a handicap in the hiring process. I fully expect to be judged harshly upon my release by the majority of people that I come in contact with. This career plan will make it easier for me to transition back into society and the workforce.

‘Do I Think I Am A Good Person?’

Thursday, February 13, 2014

So I was broached with the question; “Do I think that I am a good person?” Unfortunately, I really couldn’t come up with a solid answer and that was disheartening to say the least. Instinctively, I want to say ‘yes’. Wouldn’t most people? The problem is, when I analyze myself further… well, I’m not so sure. In any case, this what I have come up with thus far.

According to society, today I am a convicted murderer. My actions took the lives of 3 innocent people. That acknowledgement and well, ownership alone, doesn’t give me much to go on as far as feeling that I am a “good person”. I realize completely that even good people do bad things. Perhaps that adage applies to me being that my crime was not committed with malice or intent. I’m not sure. Still it weighs on my heart and conscience heavily everyday and I will never be able to escape it.

If I compartmentalize my felony conviction then of course one would believe that it would considerably easier to answer the question. I have to say – that is not the case for me.

I have done so many negative things in my life. I have lied to the people I love most, stolen from them, manipulated them and taken them for granted. I am lucky that they never gave up on me. To this day, they have my back and best interests at heart, just as they always have. Sometimes I can’t believe that they haven’t simply cut their ties to me. I love them and owe my life to them in so many ways. Sorry it took so long for me to realize what I had in them.

On the plus side, I have had quite a journey and have really grown into a complex, confident man. Yes, I put in a lot of work towards self betterment but I have to give credit, where credit is due; Mom, Jan, Kevin and Joey…. 

Thank you.

I am very well aware of what is right and wrong. I am decisive, and responsible. I am kind, but firm in how I relate to others. I am tolerant and ‘try’ to be as non-judgmental as possible. Who am I to cast stones anyway? I have adopted my mother’s work ethic which is diligent and fearless. I have a plan for the future, goals and dreams that I never had before. Most importantly, I have a willingness to work for them.

I know that I will be able to have a productive and meaningful life upon my release. The fact that I may not deserve it, given my history, is very present in my mind and gives me the motivation to do my very best. 

Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually I am good. Really though, I am constantly working on it.

'Why Do We Need Or Crave Relationships When The Reasons To Remain Single Sound Pretty Damn Good?'

Monday, January 27, 2014

So my BFF is the epitome of a perfect bachelor. He is happy, independent and unequivocally has no desire to be tied to anyone. Time to time, I will essentially ‘poke the sleeping bear’ within him by telling him to find someone. His reaction is so extreme that you’d think I had thrown him on hot coals! Since I have always been PRO relationship, it has been a fun and educational debate between us… until now.

Recently, he took it upon himself to give me this list of the following reasons to remain single:

1.       Never a possibility that your heart will be broken

2.       You are always free to do whatever you want to do
3.       No arguments over what to watch on TV
4.       No ‘in laws’
5.       You never have to check in with someone before you make plans
6.       No constant judgment over your life choices
7.       You can masturbate whenever you want freely
8.       No fighting over the covers
9.       You can spend more time with your friends
10.   No arguments over holiday decorations
11.   You never have to worry about forgetting your anniversary
12.   You are always on your own time
13.    More space in your home for your own stuff
14.   No arguments over money
15.   You never have to worry over someone publicly revealing your more embarrassing habits
16.   No one ‘borrows’ your clothes
17.   You don’t have to worry over where your partner is when they do not come home on time
18.   You don’t have to apologize when you fart
19.   You don’t have to worry about being judged by your choice in a partner
20.   You don’t have to feel guilty over your snoring
21.   No arguments over food
22.   You can play your music as loud as you want
23.   No jealousy - ever
24.   You don’t have to make excuses for someone else’s behavior
25.   You can have sex with anyone you want, whenever you want, without worry
26.   No arguments over cleaning
27.   You never have to worry about impressing someone else’s friends
28.   You can entertain without a ‘co-host’
29.   No arguments over where to vacation
30.   You always get to drive and never have to listen to someone challenging your sense of direction
31.   You are not subjected to someone’s constant whining about their job/family/health et al
32.   You can walk around the house naked whenever you want
33.   No arguments over who’s family to spend the holidays with
34.   You can leave dishes in the sink and not feel guilty
35.   You don’t have to explain/justify your opinions/feelings
36.   Your pet is never confused over who to love most
37.   You never have to worry about being betrayed
38.   No arguments about furniture style and home decor
39.   No disappointments - ever

As I read it, I had to admit that I really liked the reasons he documented. I couldn’t really argue with any of them. So… what does this mean when the list of cons seriously outweighs the pros?? If I can acknowledge and admit this, then why would I still feel a relationship would be nice to have at some point?

Perhaps it is something that is not really explainable?

I will certainly be doing some soul searching on this topic. For now, I will have to accept that it just doesn’t make sense – and maybe, just maybe… I have had these wants and desires for all the wrong reasons.