These are the things I love most; "I realized just how much I miss the touch, the smell and feel of another man."

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I was hanging out behind work yesterday when one of the work crews came back to the yard. As a protocol, everyone has to be stripped out completely before stepping on the yard itself. A friend of mine, Bam, was there and struck up a conversation with me. As I stood there talking to him, I realized that I was caught up in the view of these guys undressing. Most of my attention was on Bam and friend or not, I couldn’t help but to be mesmerized by his body.

The V of his torso, down to a small, defined waist only to be capped off by an amazing butt that sat high on his muscular thighs and hamstrings.  A perfectly proportioned penis in flaccid state rested atop neatly shaped balls that were well groomed and taken care of. His calves gave the appearance of having baseballs lodged within them and my own dick began to pulse. I had to divert my attention because if I began to get hard, there would be no hiding it. Bam looked at me quizzically and asked what was wrong. I wanted to say ‘nothing, that everything was very right’, but instead, I just shook my head.

We finished our conversation as he dressed again. He hugged me, kissed me on the head and then left. (This is normal affection here between friends) As I walked back to the office, I realized just how much I miss the touch, the smell and feel of another man. I bury those feeling as best as I can. But then all of a sudden, without warning, something like this happens.

I sat at my desk at work in a daze. I can’t really remember the last time I truly made love to another person. It must be sometime in the end of 2001 with my ex-lover Mark. Holy shit! That is 12 years ago… Talk about depressing!

Last night I was still reeling with sexual tension and so, I went outside and ran. I ran, and ran and ran some more. When I finished running, I did 300 single leg sprints and pull ups until I was so worn out that all I could do was shower and crawl into bed. I was asleep by 9:00 PM.

Today is a new day. I do not have to be at work until noon so this morning I will go over to property and see if anything is here for me. I will call the house and check in with mom, and then get a work out in before reporting to work. I will try my best to have a productive day.

Photography: Bruce Weber



Another weekend: "Why can I not decide what I want to do with my life?"

Monday, December 17, 2012

As a whole. The weekend was ok. There was a stabbing in dorm 5 and a shank (makeshift knife) was found in the C-run of my dorm, but besides that, I had a quiet and calm weekend.

I spent my time working out, reading a book about Land Rovers (a guilty pleasure) and watching TV with my bro John. Today marks our last day of work before we go on Christmas break so I know things will be busy and chaotic. Come Wednesday I will be looking very forward to another break so you will hear no complaints from me.

Right now, it is 5:00 AM. It’s dark and everyone is still asleep, which I love. John got up and went out for a run. I almost went along, but had some other stuff to do before we head into work. The fact that it is 28 degrees outside was not much of a motivator either. No, I think I would rather sit here writing and have a cup of coffee.

Why can I not decide what I want to do with my life?

Like always, I had a really good conversation with Joe over the weekend. He has been trying to get me to really think about my future and start making some decisions. There are so many variables though, and while I know the direction I want to go in, I keep hitting brick walls in a way. I’m expecting that he will come out to visit after the New Year so I can have some much needed one-on-one time with him.

Right now, if I had to tell you what I wanted to do within the first 5 years of my release, I’d say the following:

·       Immediately move to Boston and find a place to live on a temporary basis

·       Find employment

·       Buy a loft or apartment. (I want to own something)

·       Get a dog or two

So, I have complete faith that I can accomplish these things because I have crazy drive and ambition. There is no other way except up from here and I am very good with challenging situations. The area that I get completely stuck at, time and time again is employment. I mean, really, what the hell am I going to do for money? Obviously I can live hand-to-mouth, but I do not want to do that for the rest of my life. I have a really wide range of career interests and yet, still cannot decide on one particular thing. When it comes to quick employment, to just get some money coming in, I have an easier time with that;

1.       I have a Masters Degree in Fitness Training so I can get into a gym and do personal, or even private training. This does have the potential to grow into an actual career, but I do not know.

2.       I am an excellent bartender, but it’s difficult to get your foot in the door. Once in though, the money is very good.

3.       I could easily renew my Massage Therapy certification and make some cash doing that. It would not be long term, but it would be something.

As far as long term career goals, I am at a loss. My main interests are as follows:

1.       Abnormal Behavior Psycho Therapy

2.       Home renovation and house flipping

3.       Personal Fitness and Competitive Sports

 Last night, I asked John what he could truly see me doing and he said that he saw me as a trainer of some sorts. He saw me owning my own Personal Training Company. Hmmm. Obviously this got me thinking because it is quite possible. On the plus side, I don’t believe my felony would actually prevent that from happening.

I need to think about this. Joe is right; I need a plan.

John has returned and has 10 minutes to shower and shave before we go to work. I have to make his coffee. Sometimes I feel as though I am already in a relationship…only my partner is a straight Polish guy from South Beach, Miami!

Friends, Family & Relatives; the new normal

Friday, November 23, 2012

I was watching an episode of ‘The New Normal’ on TV the other night and there was a line that really resonated with me:

“You can choose the people you consider your family. You cannot choose your relatives.”

I must have thought about that for hours. For me, it is true. The people in my life that I love most, like Jan, Deb W., Deb T., Helen, Bill and Joe; they are not just my friends, they are my family. When put in comparison, they are there more than any of my relatives. They do more, know more, love more and judge less… The list goes on and on.

Any way, it was all very curious to me. Food for thought I guess.

Pen Pal update; "Writing letters to someone in prison falls pretty low on the priority list."

Friday, November 23, 2012

Things on the Pen Pal front have shifted dramatically. Almost everyone has fallen off the list, which is fine. I have actually gotten very accustomed to that over the years. There is no one to blame, or to fault. It happens and people have their own lives with so much going on, that writing letters to someone in prison falls pretty low on the priority list.

As things sit now, here are the Pen Pals;

James, who is a really great guy living in Phoenix has actually become a very good friend. Everything so far about him says that he is a sweet person with a great personality. I really enjoy corresponding with him.

John is a man in Arlington, MA that I have exchanged a few letters with. So far, he is very cool, with quite an interesting life. I am enjoying our letters as well.

On top of them, I have one person, Marquise, who I have gotten to know really well and I like very much. He is young, 21 in fact, but wise, driven and ambitious. Our letters are great and I love our phone calls as well. He is doing really well for himself. Though we met through Writeaprisoner I do not consider him in the Pen Pal category.

Last, there is Cliff who I have previously discussed, By far, he is my #1, as far as people whom I correspond with. Our friendship is great and our conversations on the phone are even better. Since we have been writing one another for years now, he is no longer in the Pen Pal category.

Time to get my mental shit together...

Friday, November 23, 2012

What now?

I guess it’s back to business as usual. This morning I will write some letters and do some laundry. I will work out in the afternoon and then make some phone calls. I feel good though and the fact that I have 3 days off, is so nice. I have to take advantage of them though. There is a lot on my mind and it’s the perfect time to put everything in check. My mental list of thoughts is as follows:

1. The Boston Transfer. I have not really gone into this much, but I have put in for a request to transfer to a facility in Massachusetts over 2 years ago and have been patiently waiting. We have been given the run around a couple of times now, but what it all boils down to is; I have to wait for an inmate in Massachusetts DOC to request a transfer to Arizona. If that happens, I can go – providing I pay out $6,000. in fees.  We will do that, but every day, I lose more and more hope. I really would love to be able to put Arizona behind me despite the fear of having to essentially ‘start over’ in a whole new prison system.

2. Job Change. My job is great. I mean yeah, I work crazy long hours and have to deal with a lot of drama, but it does give me that feeling as though I am a regular person outside of these walls, who has a purpose and that is needed at their job.

Right before we went on this vacation though, my boss informed me that he made his promotion and is on a list to be assigned to a different prison unit. If that happens, then I will have to look for another position. I am not too keen on the person who would likely take his place.
My options would be to:

·       Not work and instead, really focus on the blog, my workouts, letters etc.

·       Work for Swift Trucking company as some sort of office clerk

·       Apply to work for the Deputy Warden in administration

·       Speak to our Deputy Warden and ask where she would like me to work

Most likely, my boss will not leave until January, so I have some time make a decision.

3. Mom. I have been really trying to pay attention to developing a better understanding of who my mother is now. While doing that, I have also been weighing in on things that she may need from me upon my release vs what I know she will want. There is a huge difference between the two so it has to be well thought out.

For example:

·       Mom’s plan in her head; She would relocate from Arizona to Boston, or possibly, to South Beach, Miami. I promptly move in with her and begin living my life. Mom and I have a truly unique relationship and I love her dearly, but I do not want to be that 37 year old man living at home with his mother and looking at a dead end. The thing is that I know she wants to be near me wherever I am. When I sit and tell her my plan though, there are times that I don’t think she hears me. I know that I will be there for her, but finding a balance, or a situation that would work, is challenging.

·       My plan in my head: I am released and move into Joe’s house. Mom would live nearby. At Joe’s, I would feel less parental pressure and would feel some semblance of true independence. I could essentially hit the ground running, but still have the support and advice of a good friend at the same time. There would not be that maternal factor in that equation. I would still be able to see my mom all the time and be there for her just the same.

I don’t know, somewhere between these two plans, we will have to meet in the middle.
As you can see, I definitely have some things to think about.

Thanksgiving night; "I am thankful that I have made it through another year in here."

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving Night

Our meal was completely forgettable. It consisted of: A large slice of mechanically separated and processed turkey that was a faint, iridescent shade of green, wheat bread stuffing formed into a hockey puck shape placed in a watery mound of fake mashed potatoes, severely overcooked carrots with absolutely no nutritional value remaining, a dinner roll that could serve as a weapon and a piece of pumpkin pie that was actually edible and pretty good. All that in mind, John and I made some tamales and cake back at the dorm. We are not big soda drinkers but we had rootbeer and watched football all day.

The day has been kick back; no assaults, no problems and for that, I am incredibly thankful. I did call mom and Kevin to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, but that was all.

If someone were to ask me what I am thankful for, I would say first, and foremost; my friends and family, my health and my sanity, and lastly, I am thankful that I have made it through another year in here.

My sanity is at the breaking point; "I can only handle so much."

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Sometimes I just want to be left alone.

I always know when I reach my mental limit because I turn into a total bitch. Today is one of those days. I remind myself that I am by nature, a go getter. I get this from my mom. If there is something that needs to be done, then I do it. I take care of business. I am also a person who likes to make lists. I make them all the time, mostly because I get to check things off and get a sense of accomplishment. Others around me see that and they have dubbed me the “fixer”. Problem is, I can only handle so much and at time. It becomes exhausting and I want to tell the guys who constantly come to me, to deal with their own shit. Unfortunately, I can’t always do that. It would create ‘haters’ and that’s one thing that  I do not need. I already have enough of them.

We all have problems and I certainly have my own to deal with. Sometimes though, I feel as if no one cares about me, but rather – it’s all about them.

Have you ever spoken to someone and know that they are absolutely not interested in you at all? When they speak to you though, well, they demand your undivided attention, start to finish. That is an everyday occurrence in here, unless I am talking with John. This simply means that 99% of associates and acquaintances here are 100% superficial. So at times like today, I just want to be left alone. Ironically, it is at times like this, that these ridiculous guys need something from me the most. Listening and trying to remain focused on them, quite frankly, hurts my mind. Ugh.

As a way of relaxing, I wrote a few letters. I called and spoke to Cliff for awhile. Instead of getting into things here, I just let him tell me about his thanksgiving plans and it calmed me down a great deal. He also mentioned coming out for a visit for a weekend. I would really love that. We have never actually met face to face. I would love to wrap my arms around him and just spend some time with him. We will see what happens.

I also spoke with Mom and Kevin. Again, I simply let them talk and that brought my tension down even more so. I will see them both on Sunday, which is good.