‘Personal Viewpoints’

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Over the years, I have been secretly trying to find the best possible “me” that I could find. For some of us, we need to work on that more diligently than others because somehow, we’ve lost our way. When that happens, I myself always have to start back at square one. Once I started becoming truly honest with myself, it was rather easy. I took a deep breath and accepted that I know who I am, how I feel and think etc... I needed to be true to these things in order to be genuine with “David”.

Evolution happens whether we like it or not. It’s one of those things that will forever be out of our control to a certain extent. In my own humble way, I have learned to accept and embrace change. I know that things will invariably change and so, in order to remain positive about it, and not fear it, I have instead, chosen to look forward to it. That said, I have evolved in my own individual way and that’s alright. No matter what changes occur, I have already acknowledged a baseline of my own personal viewpoints in life. Everything branches off of these ideas as they are fundamental to who I am.

Here are some of my own personal viewpoints. You can agree or disagree, but either way – you will ultimately learn a great deal about me through these convictions:

Life is – about the destination

Competition is – winning

Vanity is – Looking your best is very important

Relationships are – Essential. Partnering with someone is the core foundation of one’s happiness. The security of knowing someone is there – is key

Physical Fitness is – Vital. Working out/exercise enhances your overall appearance and makes you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically

Wealth is – Defined by what you own and achieve

Cleaning is – Critical. An orderly environment enables you to think more clearly, feel organized and in control

Status is – Tangible. You are always being judged by others on your socioeconomic position in society

Happiness is – Being in control of your life and destiny and being able to change things when needed.

My vision, my core values and life experience can in some way be pinged off of – or to – one of these statements. I make no apologies for my viewpoints because it is what I believe. There is no way of telling whether these ideas were spurned by environmental influence or not but I believe that most people are molded to think one way or another from a very young age. It is possible that I was influenced throughout my childhood and it has become what I believe as an adult. This is me – after my individuality and life experience was blended up with my moral compass.

Outlook on life can, and will change. This I know. There is no way to compare a life behind bars to that of someone for example, with terminal cancer. The viewpoints would be completely divergent in every way. The core values of simply wanting to live however, may still be the same. 

It’s all very thought provoking and well, uncanny.

‘I need to know: Am I worth it?’

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

 

Every day that passes, I am one day closer to my new life. I have grown so much over the years of incarceration and now, when I look in the mirror, I see a man who wants to make so much out of his life. I have a vision, a plan and I know how I am going to execute it upon my release. There is no doubt that I can accomplish the life that I see for myself and yet I wonder at times – if I am deserving of it? 

“Am I worth it?” has been a question that now lingers in the back of my mind.

This revelation will not hinder my ambition but rather, simply fuel my drive to continue to improve upon who I am. I like myself and more importantly, I know who I am. That is something that I have struggled with a lot in my past. My morals have evolved and the things that bring happiness to my life… well, they are no longer ‘things’. I cannot lie though: I love material things. It is a part of who I am… but I no longer view them in the same way.

My Flaws: I am impossibly logical in thinking and do not fare well having to utilize the creative, right brain thinking side of my brain when needed. I am stubborn, intense, and strong in mind, body and soul. I can be very judgmental with the people whom I love and care for because, I believe, I expect more from them, It may be unfair, but it is true. I rarely give acts of violence a second thought because now, I understand the psychology behind it. (That does not mean I am an advocate for it…) Lastly, my appearance and image: it is more important to me than it probably should be.

My Qualities: I am intelligent, meticulous and responsible. I am a natural “go getter” and have no problem going after something that I truly want. I have great self discipline and I am loyal, compassionate, loving and understanding. I am open minded and accepting of all races, religions and lifestyles. I know how to listen carefully and then deliver guidance and advice. At this point in my life, I would also say that my ‘street smarts’ are very proportionate to my curricular learning. 

Yes, I am and always will be a ‘convicted felon’ for the rest of my life. Only recently have I begun to incorporate that into my way of thinking. In considering ways to promote myself, develop my brand etc. I have concluded and expressed that I want to represent myself authentically when I am released.

Am I good enough to be able to do this and still be successful? Have I done enough self-improvement? Am I worth this ‘second life’ that I have headed my way?

Right now, well, I am smiling… because I think I am.

‘Dear Society’

Friday, October 17, 2014

 

I was asked to verbally promote myself this week and realized that I was at a bit of a loss. Everything my mind was asking my mouth to say had repercussions and/or opened doors to more intense questions.

How am I to embrace life and be my authentic self, when I know that the majority of people will automatically shut me out simply because I have been to prison? The irony is that I don’t blame anyone for this response because well, I understand it. Still, I feel as though I have shown up to a swim meet and have no idea how to swim.

Here I am in prison and I have adapted. I have learned how to survive and rise above. When I get out of prison, my goal is to be authentic as possible. I realize that this will be difficult, but it is the right thing to do. My mind is flooded with all of the questions that inevitably will lead me right back here. All along I have believed that once I am out, living my life again, that I could close this particular chapter of my life and not look back again. I have realized now that it is not possible. Eventually people will find out. It is better that I tell the truth, better that it comes from me.

I wonder: when would people want to know? It’s not as if I intend on introducing myself to everyone that I meet as “Hi. I’m David and I am an ex con.” So, when is right? Clearly not everyone needs to know. My tailor, dry cleaner, or the corner grocer doesn’t necessarily need to know. My clients and people I would like to build relationships with… well they need to know.

I would be a complete tool to ask people for leniency and understanding. Nobody can understand the weight of being responsible for lost lives unless they have first hand experience. The understanding my crime, my accident, my poor decision is incredibly common doesn’t make me feel any better. All I can do is ask you – ‘Society’ to give me a chance to do good. Who’s to say if I deserve it or not because I am so far past ‘chances’ – but I have never asked before.

I just want a chance and no matter what my attitude, education, skills and ambition is…. my success is and will, be greatly affected by you. 

Or didn’t you realize?


Link to a national survey on Collateral Consequences Ex Convicts must face: 
http://www.abacollateralconsequences.org/map/

‘My Wall’

Friday, June 6, 2014

“One gets so used to one’s own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people.”

There is a darkness lurking inside of me. I have been trying to change/modify my behavior and reactions to things. The purpose was to somehow lighten the rough exterior shell that I have created in preparation for re-entering society. In doing so though, I have come to question everything I have come to know and do in this place. The task, if you will, has become very dangerous to my mental state.

Through the years, I have studied these men, these inmates that I live with, as a means to my own survival. I have learned their behaviors, their patterns of thought and most importantly, what they are capable of. We get along and while they believe within their soul that I am their ‘friend’, I am not. In that regard, I am literally the biggest fraud of all. My entire being is a facade that I have created in order to be strong, to be feared and ultimately, respected.

Inside, I judge them constantly and psychoanalyze them. Is it fair? Some would think not but it is uncontrollable. I am all at once repulsed and horrified by the people I live around. They are selfish and cunning but not in a way that you’d think was intelligent per se. I dare say that the majority of the population has an average IQ if 80. Their characters, (possibly mine as well), are unsettling to people outside of this environment. These qualities that seem so strange, so abnormal, have in effect, become my ‘normal’.

I am told that there are just as many uneducated, odd and questionable characters outside of prison as well. I believe this. The difference however is that outside, I have the luxury of choosing not to associate with certain people. That luxury is something that I do not have in here and believe you me, it is a luxury.

I have been experiencing more challenges as my sentence progresses. My tolerance is now nonexistent. The idea that I get along with people that I have nothing in common with is mind blowing to me. Time has taught me that we all have flaws, some worse than others. People in prison however, are all about themselves and their actions are usually fueled by ulterior motives. Maintaining constant awareness is a daily activity.

I know that as you read this, you might think, “There must be some good people in prison.” There are but, they are few and far in between. Even good people do bad things – right? Being a fundamentally good person in here – is meaningless. For example: inmates who are devoutly religious in prison are not exempt. Do not let their exterior facade fool you. In my experience, they are lost individuals, in a constant struggle to gain insight and security within themselves – all the while ignoring their demons.

The people I cherish most in this world have been encouraging me to let my walls down…to begin the process of cutting loose the rough exterior I have developed. A lot of my learned behaviors clearly need to be shed before re-entering society. In doing so, I have been realizing how convoluted and disturbing life really is for us. I am bothered by the fact that I have become so overly familiar with people who have committed such heinous acts. These are people I would typically evade on the streets.

Imagine for a moment, that you have created a wall of steel around yourself. That wall, is your dearest friend. It protects you, hides you, enable you to be strong and most importantly, you trust it. Remember the wall represents a distorted image of you to the outside, preventing those who would normally try to harm you from doing so. Unfortunately, the wall works both ways. It also forces you to see others in a simpler and at times, passive way.

So I let my wall fall and it was actually much easier than I thought. A wave of reality, harsh and cold, hit me like a ton of bricks and mortar. It was, I dare say, too much – too soon. I felt immediately vulnerable and weak. I began to question and doubt every person I came in contact with – even those whom I consider as friends. It was as if I had fresh, virgin eyes that I had when I first came to prison but with all of the knowledge and insight I have learned over the years. This new reality will unfortunately not work for me in here. I have to rebuild my walls again.

The wall must go back up because in here, it is all that I have.