‘A Current Prison Assessment’

Friday, January 30, 2015

Many have inquired as to why I have not written much about the particular prison unit that I am now on. Perhaps they were expecting daily journal entries of all the goings on here… I suspect that they are genuinely curious. Whatever the case may be, I have had many reasons – and I doubt that you can believe that the biggest one is that this is the best prison yard I have ever been on.

As you absorb that one statement, remember that I had become completely institutionalized within the more hardened ‘gladiator school’ type of prison. I am now immune to rampant drug use, racism, religious prejudice, violence, murder and a string of many other horrible things. Coming to a minimum yard was nerve wracking because I perceived that there would be a greater lack of respect, lack of discipline, structure etc. I was not exactly sure how I would react and adjust to all of that. I believed, (at least I convinced myself) that being on a higher yard, with more structure, would be best for me. This was not necessarily because I needed the structure, but rather, because most other inmates do - and that made my life easier.

I have struggled internally about how I truly feel living here at North Unit, Florence Arizona. My honest assessment is that I like it here… for as much as a person can ‘like’ a prison.

The inmate population here is defined by 3 primary groups:

1.   Chronic Care

These men suffer from Alzheimer’s, kidney failure (Dialysis), liver disease and a multitude of other medical issues. The medical relationship to this yard is intense and the administration is very proactive at working toward providing the most comfortable living environment for inmates in a seriously ill state of life

2.   "Downhillers"

(My group of inmates) These men have been in prison for a long time (years and years…) They are on the downhill slope of their sentence and doing all they can to remain busy and productive. Everything we do in our basic day to day activities has some type of correlation to the release date and – the real world.

3.   Knuckleheads

These are the idiots who are repeat offenders of nuisance charges and cannot seem to get their lives together. Unfortunately they believe that this is as bad as it gets and it actually – it is the best. It is very sad and unfortunate.

The staff here, are all pretty great. Perhaps it’s just me and the fact that I know how to act like an adult and know how to communicate. But I have yet to have any incident or disagreement with any of the staff. At the end of the day, I have nothing but good, productive experiences with them. I don’t know why but there doesn’t seem to be a chip on their shoulders and they know how to deal with situations accordingly.

The officer I work for has been completely vested in the department since 1986 and is strict, meticulous, and hard working. Thankfully, my ethnicity and sexual orientation are inconsequential to her. She is fair and very understanding. Running mail and property for 1,100 inmates is beyond challenging but somehow, it gets done professionally and without issue. For me, it is a positive experience as it closely depicts a real life job experience. That is something that I genuinely appreciate and am thankful for because it continues to keep focused on my end game.

The Yard

This facility is very large and is actually divided into 3 individual smaller yards. When an inmate arrives, they begin on Yard 3 until they find a job. This is a working yard so almost everyone has some form of employment. Depending on the job you receive or interview for, dictates whether you will be moved to Yard 1 or Yard 2. Each of the yards has working kitchens and incredibly organized daily operations because of the amount of inmate movement here. It is truly like a little city.

Personally the yard operations are well suited for me. My schedule at work gives me a good amount of off time to manage my affairs and partake in visitations on the weekends. It is consistent and it works for me.

Hopefully this gives you a better, clearer understanding of why I haven’t downloaded much about my current prison unit. There is nothing bad or scandalous to report. My life here is as good as it can be for someone who is in prison. Obviously a lot of that is simply mindset and determination but it is a cohesive situation right now. It’s easier for me to be positive ad productive on a unit like this one.

Today, as I look ahead, I have only one more goal to accomplish before I am released. Mom will be 100% relocated to Boston this year and when that happens, I am going to try my best to become certified as a fireman and work with the wilderness Fire Crew. It is an amazing opportunity offered here and I think I would be really successful at it. The current team members and crew supervisor are great and I have a good rapport with everyone involved. That said, I think it would be my last and final goal in prison.

‘Sexual Fulfillment in Relationships’

Monday, January 26, 2015

By now, if you are a regular visitor to my blog, you will know that I am a supporter of relationships. Yes, I have been in my own journey when it comes to deciphering what it that I want and need in a relationship and yes – it has changed.

Many years ago, perhaps 05’, I was so convinced that I needed to have someone that I was willing to be anyone, say anything in order to have someone want me. The problem was that the person they would end up wanting never truly existed because it was a façade, a manifestation of that ‘perfect person’ I had created for them to want. The charade was exhausting and even though I knew that it would eventually come crashing down – I still created it. I did this all because in the few moments where I felt wanted, or needed by the other person – was worth everything to me.

Unfortunately, I was selfish and idiotic because I never gave much thought to how it would affect the other person.

I am embarrassed to say that even though I pulled in the reigns, it wasn’t until 2013 that I could truly say: “yes I want to be in a healthy and committed relationship with someone”. The caveat however was that I wanted it to happen with the right person and with complete transparency. 

Right now, I am ‘A O K’.

Last year, I received a lot of proposals via mail. I also received a tone of letters with miscellaneous questions on where my head was at in regard to relationships, especially between two men. I did my best to answer these questions as genuinely as possible knowing that some of my words might not make it through the reader’s filter in the exact way that I had meant it. Still, I did my best. 

There is a statement that I made almost a year ago however that continues to be brought up:

“I do believe that two men can be in a monogamous and committed relationship but – there has to be genuine sexual fulfillment.”

Apparently, this provoked a great deal of thought from many readers and, a great deal of postal response came in to me as a result. It became evident to me that a lot of gay men are in amazing relationships, and I learned, that some of these relationships may not necessarily be sexually compatible. They still however - make it work.

Typically they make it work through strong communications. Some partners bring a 3^rd party into the bedroom and others simply enjoy an “open relationship”. These concepts are becoming more ever present in relationships – both gay and straight. I am not in a position to judge because, after all, every relationship is different and what works for one, may not work for another. Still, these suggestions and recommendations were presented to me in direct response to how they perceived my statement.

I admit that I understand their basis for the defense of their relationships. What I took issue with however, was that I specifically used the terms ‘monogamous’ and ‘committed’. Call me old fashioned, but I do not think I could be in a monogamous, committed relationship and still be allowed to sleep with other people. Am I missing something here?

The responses that I was receiving, more or less, proved my point. Regardless how relationships are experienced, it still remains true that a certain degree of sexual fulfillment must occur in order to promote a higher chance of remaining committed to one another, and well – monogamous. 

The following questions were presented to me. In answering them – I may actually be prompting an even more volatile level of conversation. I welcome everyone’s feedback however – so please feel free.

1.   Q Is sexual fulfillment a prerequisite for everyone?

A Absolutely not. I think it’s appropriate to say that we, as human beings, have varied sexual appetites, needs and desires. We are also able to weigh the pros and cons in life and I believe it is probably better to become involved with someone for whom they are, versus who they are – ‘between the sheets’. Still, let’s hope for the best.

2.   Q Is the end game simply just a sexually viable pairing?

A Interestingly enough, I believe it is more important for a man to find this than a woman. I do not think it’s the ‘end game; however I do think that it is at the forefront of many men’s minds.

3.   Q Is the assumption that by partnering, you will be ensured sexual satisfaction for the balance of your life with that one person?

A This question is a bit dramatic I think, but no. I believe relationships, partners etc., go through a series of phases. I also know of many sexless relationships that seem to stand on their own, albeit they began as sexual ones.

4.   Q Does the true measure of a successful partnership hinge upon mutual sexual fulfillment?

A In my humble opinion, absolutely. If you truly are a person that wants a committed and monogamous relationship – and a successful one at that – then you must be in tune with one anothers sexual needs and hopefully able to fulfill them for one another.

5.   Q If there is no sexual compatibility or fulfillment, can there still be love?

A Yes. I do not think that ‘love’ has anything to do with sex in the relationship. I believe that ‘love’, is about the person. To include sex as a prerequisite to love, would be superficial to me.

Please feel free to join this dialogue by adding your comment here, or if you prefer, send your comments and questions to me directly at:

David R McKinney

#169947  QN9

ASPC Florence, North

PO Box 8000 

Florence, AZ 85132-8000

https://thebenttruth.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/the-sad-truth-about-gay-relationships/

‘Personal Viewpoints’

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Over the years, I have been secretly trying to find the best possible “me” that I could find. For some of us, we need to work on that more diligently than others because somehow, we’ve lost our way. When that happens, I myself always have to start back at square one. Once I started becoming truly honest with myself, it was rather easy. I took a deep breath and accepted that I know who I am, how I feel and think etc... I needed to be true to these things in order to be genuine with “David”.

Evolution happens whether we like it or not. It’s one of those things that will forever be out of our control to a certain extent. In my own humble way, I have learned to accept and embrace change. I know that things will invariably change and so, in order to remain positive about it, and not fear it, I have instead, chosen to look forward to it. That said, I have evolved in my own individual way and that’s alright. No matter what changes occur, I have already acknowledged a baseline of my own personal viewpoints in life. Everything branches off of these ideas as they are fundamental to who I am.

Here are some of my own personal viewpoints. You can agree or disagree, but either way – you will ultimately learn a great deal about me through these convictions:

Life is – about the destination

Competition is – winning

Vanity is – Looking your best is very important

Relationships are – Essential. Partnering with someone is the core foundation of one’s happiness. The security of knowing someone is there – is key

Physical Fitness is – Vital. Working out/exercise enhances your overall appearance and makes you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically

Wealth is – Defined by what you own and achieve

Cleaning is – Critical. An orderly environment enables you to think more clearly, feel organized and in control

Status is – Tangible. You are always being judged by others on your socioeconomic position in society

Happiness is – Being in control of your life and destiny and being able to change things when needed.

My vision, my core values and life experience can in some way be pinged off of – or to – one of these statements. I make no apologies for my viewpoints because it is what I believe. There is no way of telling whether these ideas were spurned by environmental influence or not but I believe that most people are molded to think one way or another from a very young age. It is possible that I was influenced throughout my childhood and it has become what I believe as an adult. This is me – after my individuality and life experience was blended up with my moral compass.

Outlook on life can, and will change. This I know. There is no way to compare a life behind bars to that of someone for example, with terminal cancer. The viewpoints would be completely divergent in every way. The core values of simply wanting to live however, may still be the same. 

It’s all very thought provoking and well, uncanny.

‘New for 2015’

Saturday, January 10, 2015

At the moment, things in my life are okay. For the new year, I began a new job working as the clerk in the mail and property office. The position so far has been wonderful because I feel as though I am accomplishing something everyday. The hours are 6-2, Monday – Thursday and 12-8 PM on Friday. Personally I love this schedule as it affords me the opportunity to work out/train daily and still have time to write, read and take care of other miscellaneous tasks. Since taking this new job, I have noticed a decided uptick in my mood and so, I am embracing this change.

On New Year’s Day, I took my 1,000 page police report that I have been toting around for all these years and finally threw it away. I believe it was one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had while being incarcerated and it felt as if a weight was being lifted. It’s not as if I am trying to forget why I am here… That is consciously impossible. I just didn’t need it anymore and I could no longer come up with a solid reason to hold onto it. Mentally, it was as if I was telling myself that the chapter is closed, that everything from here on out – is about the future and not – the past.

Mom has officially embraced the notion of being completely relocated to Boston within the next 346 days. She has assigned this particular timeline to adhere to and I think her energy is good. She deserves the opportunity to be as happy as possible and truthfully, she cannot achieve that here in Arizona. Her house is going up for sale and she is on a new mission.

Over and above all of that, I am really doing my best to stay focused on the present and the future. My natural instinct has always been to look back at what once was. I mean, the present was the equivalent to a personal Purgatory and the future seemed unreachable. It was all psychological but I couldn’t fight it successfully. Now, in 2015, I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may be wondering what it is about 2015 exactly. I can’t really say for sure. The fact that I have 3 only years remaining I guess, is so mind boggling to me. It’s almost over.

Lastly, I really have been committing myself to my Judaic studies. I won’t say that I am becoming religious, because I am definitely not. I am however embracing the concept of my faith and for once, feeling like I have a clear and concise understanding about it. There is no doubt in my mind that it has helped me to organize my thoughts and put everything into perspective. 

Funny, the things that can motivate and trigger change within us….