Tuesday, July 15, 2014
In my previous life, the one prior to
my incarceration, I was lighthearted. I never took too many things too
seriously and considered most everyone I came in contact with, as a friend.
Trust for me, came almost instantaneously. I truly felt that people, for the
most part, were fundamentally ‘good’.
Looking back, I was indeed naive and
implausibly green. It is very disturbing because, as a young adult, I lived in
my own version of reality. I mean there is no doubt in my mind that my concept
of reality then was so distorted, so convoluted. But that was the way I
believed life to be at that time.
ELEVEN YEARS LATER:
When I meet a new person now, I
subconsciously size them up. I scan them head to toe to decide where I think
their weakest points would be. I focus on their eye contact, the firmness and
size of their hands, the air of confidence in the tone of their voice . It is
as if I am continuously preparing for battle. In my mind, I ask myself: “what
is the best way to win a physical fight with this person?”
Instinctively, I know that the
majority of the words coming out of other people’s mouths are gross
fabrications. People have ‘angles’ and need to present themselves in whatever
way they see fit to accomplish their goals. I trust absolutely no one and feel
as though every person around me can, and will become my enemy at some point in
this game. You may not understand my choice in the word game, but I assure you,
in prison, it is very much just that.
In no way is this a “normal” way of
thinking, but is my “normal” in here and it keeps me alive and unharmed…
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