Saturday, February 21, 2015
I have only loved one man romantically
in my life, Mark. I loved him then and I love him now – only in a different
way. (At least I tell myself that) I mean, a man in my position cannot maintain
a healthy relationship from here – even if I tried. Being with Mark – again – was
a possibility a few years back, but I thought it best not to let history repeat
itself. He may be the same Mark that I fell in love with all those years ago,
but today, I am a very different David.
No matter how many times I have
contemplated it, Mark + David simply doesn’t add up.
In acknowledging that, our friendship
grew exponentially with me as an adult. What we have now, is healthy, rewarding
and ‘safe’. When he visits, the energy is positive. Yes, I still find him
attractive but that is not generated from my loins, but rather, an ephemeral
place. When we speak on the phone, the conversation is interesting, educating
and jovial. I look forward to the sound of his voice and the way he makes me
focus on the bigger picture of life.
This past week, I learned that his
boyfriend will be moving into his home. I was congratulatory, excited even,
because Mark deserves to be loved, and well, ‘happy’. It’s something that I want
for him and yet later on that evening, I cried for over 30 minutes in the
shower.
Reigning in my emotions was difficult
because I couldn’t assess the situation clearly. Was I jealous? Angry? Sad? If
I was… then why? It made me feel incredibly selfish and immature. Then I
realized why I was having these emotions: a door was closing.
Life is continuing and people are
growing and evolving. I am doing the same, but – in here. I’m in here, in this
place and I subconsciously do not want any doors to close. My heart and soul
are simply not ready for that.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t much care about any
of that.
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