‘Sex, Intimacy and Masturbatory Pleasure’

Monday, April 28, 2014

Recently, I had a conversation with a guy that had just returned to prison. He had previously served a 20 year sentence and had only been released for 9 months before violating the terms of his parole, causing him to come back to prison. I was curious to hear about how he adapted and how he received the world etc.

Somehow, we ended up on the topic of sex. He revealed that he had great difficulty performing. He explained that though he was aroused, that he could not climax in the presence of another person. When it came to intimacy, he was surprisingly shy and had difficulty maintaining an erection. I could see the shame in his face as he admitted that he was unable to consummate the relationship that he has had with his wife for the past 26 years.

The fault apparently lies within the conditioning of prison. For 20 years,  masturbation became his ‘norm’. There was no denying that. As I walked away, I couldn’t help but to wonder if I would have the same – or at least, similar issues.

It has been a very long time since I have had any real sexual contact with another man. Voyeurism doesn’t count. If I am completely honest with myself, the thought of having sex is almost foreign to me now. Over the years, the things that promote arousal in me have changed. They are now, predominantly things that are associated with the intimacy of relationships. Things like snuggling alongside someone, their smell, taking a bath together, or sharing a meal. Clearly the more intimate things are now what turns me on. I have never been big on casual sex and when I am released, I doubt seriously that I will be participating in random sexcapades.

As far as intimacy goes though, I know that it will be a challenge. True intimacy requires “trust” and that is something I have grown to have difficulty with. I am not good at being vulnerable, but will try my best if I meet someone worth trying for.

Masturbatory pleasure is completely mechanical for me at this point. I no longer put much emphasis upon it and it has completely lost its appeal. That doesn’t mean that I have given it up, but rather, I utilize it for stress relief now. I would be completely fine if I never had to masturbate again after my release. I mean that literally.

‘Discrimination: the Underlying Question’

Friday, April 25, 2014

My recent entry on discrimination was received with some criticism. It has been picked apart and analyzed because I had not been more specific and I had presented myself as someone who does not discriminate. In fact, I do. The critique behind what I said was accurate, but I am flawed. If you are a regular visitor, then hopefully you will allow me some leeway. It was never my intention to present myself as someone having a perfect thought process. I try to be clear and direct but I am not always successful when it comes time for me to effectively transcribe my thoughts onto paper.

I do discriminate. It is not an act of consciousness, but rather, sub conscious.

The most poignant example: my definition of the type of man that I am attracted to would imply that a man without those characteristics is unattractive to me. It clearly suggests that I will discriminate solely on my own self appointed measurements and requirements. While the word “discriminate” was not specifically bandied about, the notion of discrimination was omnipresent.

Q Do I believe that there are some forms of discrimination that are completely acceptable?

A Intuitively, I want to say NO, however we all do it, therefore we must feel alright about it. If we don’t, then we ignore the right/wrong aspect within our moral compass. That would mean that we spend an unbelievable amount of time convincing ourselves otherwise.

Q When it comes to a romantic partner, is it okay to discriminate simply based upon beauty or lifestyle? (If so, is it everyone’s right to discriminate?)

A Yes. I believe that there are some pairings that will not always come together. When it comes to romantic partnership there are many things that have to align themselves in order for it to work. People are typically motivated by physical attraction at first, That said, if I am not physically attracted then it is highly unlikely that I would ever engage in a conversation with a romantic pursuit in mind. That does not mean however that the other person wouldn’t find me attractive, engage me, pursue me and that would in turn, cause me to grow attracted to them – because it is completely possible. (Complicated and confusing, but possible…)

Q How does a person surrender to the notion that it is understandable and perhaps even forgivable to be discriminated against?

A I have no idea how to answer this question. I have toyed with it and no matter what I say, it doesn’t make sense because I don’t believe anyone should accept being discriminated against. Saying that; ‘it’s not right, but it’s okay because it’s human’, doesn’t set well with me.

Q Do I think that I could ever fall in love with someone who doesn’t meet all of my requirements?

A Yes. There is something that happens within the pursuit of something. The process of getting to know someone and falling in love allows me to accept who they are. It develops an unbelievable amount of acceptance.

It is impossible for me to successfully separate the real differences in my discriminatory acts without sounding shallow but I will try to sum it up:

I do not discriminate upon religious preference, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or economic status. Since I do have a concise understanding of disease, I am not judgmental, prejudicial or discriminatory toward alcoholics, drug addicts or people suffering from mental illness. I will however, discriminate when it comes to a personal romantic partnership. If that represents a serious flaw, then let the world beware.

To view the original entry, read here:

http://trappedinaz.blogspot.com/2014/03/discrimination.html

‘Trust’

Friday, April 25, 2014

Prison has a way of convincing us that people are fundamentally ‘BAD’. I believe that people are driven by ulterior motives, angles and are capable of incredibly heinous acts. I witness evil, scandalous and vindictive things being carried out by inmates every single day. Remember that for us, “with risk, comes the reward of an established reputation”. Inmates who have been proactive in building a reputation are allowed to do as they please. Unfortunately, it also enables them to have control. Inmates with too much control are inconceivably dangerous.

A time comes when morals will be challenged, ignored and seen as a clear disadvantage by the general inmate population. The choice to keep those morals close, can generate life threatening consequences. If an influential inmate suspects that you do not agree with something, at the very least you will be a victim of assault. The severity of the assault depends entirely upon the directives of the inmate with that ‘established reputation’. At the same time, only those who have taken great risks and have built their reputation, can authorize you to do your time as you please.

When I came to prison I was housed on the most violent, restrictive yard in the state. The inmates I associated with were sentenced to natural life or the death penalty and were notorious throughout the state. Instead of fearing them, I made the educated decision to study them. I made calculating choices in the people I befriended. Those who I did choose were considered as the “elite” of the population. I ignored their sentences and their crimes. I chose to nurture the relationships and I developed genuine bonds with them. I quickly developed status and influence by proxy. After a certain point, very few inmates would have anything to say about how I chose to do my time. My plan worked and in my case, knowledge was power. And I used that power – to keep myself safe.

It will take some time to re-acclimatize and develop the ability to believe in people again. I was on the phone with Joey the other night and I said that I need to remember that, for the most part, people are ‘GOOD’. The percentage of people who are ‘BAD’ in the free world, is so small that if I do not begin to accept that again, it will hinder my ability to form new friendships and be successful at reentering society.

I am not generally open with people. I have to be around them in multiple scenarios before letting my guard down. I have been told that I have an impenetrable gaze or stare. I am at times, an intense person and can easily embrace uncomfortable silence between two people. I am always paying attention to people’s mannerisms, facial expressions, changes in vocal tome, eye movement and rhythm of speech. I am constantly surveying my surroundings and the people within it. If I am complaining then I feel weak, as if I have lost control. 

Today, I am always expecting chaos.

I have no idea how I am going to learn to trust people again. Will I ever be able to relax and just give people the benefit of the doubt? I wonder if this is what soldiers must feel when they return home from war…

Once trust is gone – how do we regain it?

‘Random Q&A’

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Here is a group of random questions that I have received from people recently:

Q Have you ever spoken to the victim’s families? If so, what did you say to them?

A I have never spoken to them. The law prevents me from doing so and they requested that I never attempt to contact them. If I ever did have that opportunity then I would certainly apologize for the loss. I would try to explain that the events of that night were in no way malicious, that it was truly an accident. Unfortunately, I do not believe that I will ever be afforded that opportunity. I am a murderer in their eyes and I will never be anything but that.

Q Do you have a complex regarding your hair loss?

A Here’s the deal: I realized that I was losing my hair early on in life. I have always expected it because both my grandfathers lost their hair very early on. So I figured that I would follow suit. Initially it took some getting used to but at this point, I have become partial to my shaved head.

Q Other than the night of your accident, what is another big regret that you have in life?

A When the man that I regarded as my father died, my mom bought me a beautiful Doberman puppy. I named him Henri Matisse but took to calling him ‘Bud’. He was my very best friend and we had been through so much together. The fact that I was not with him when he died still haunts me. I should have been with him in the end.

Q Is there a new musician you are currently liking?

A Yes. Her name is Alice Smith. A friend of mine sent me a CD of hers called ‘She’. The entire album is great but I am stuck on a particular song titled ‘Fool for You’. I can’t get enough of it.

Q Is there a specific character trait or behavior that you had growing up that you wish you didn’t have?

A Not long after relocating to Scottsdale, I really began struggling with my identity. The culture, people and lifestyle here was so different than anything that I knew. I was coming from a place where a person was accepted because of who they were, not how much money they had or where they lived. In Scottsdale, I was enrolled in an uber wealthy private school. The students there were judgmental and critical of everything. Having money, cars and the right address was simply not enough to be accepted. In the interest of maintaining popularity and also, concealing my sexual identity, I began to craft stories and lie. I quickly learned that being and openly gay teenager from San Francisco was not acceptable in Scottsdale!

Q Do you regret any of your Tattoos?

A No Every tattoo I have was well thought out and has meaning. I really want to get a full sleeve but my family and friends have convinced me to wait.

Q Would you rather love, or be loved?

A. I can’t answer this. I have loved before for the wrong reasons and from the wrong place because I was not whole as a human being at the time. I have been loved but it was not authentic because the person they thought they loved was a manifestation, a façade. It is incredibly convoluted. I will come back to this question in the future.

Q What was something you secretly enjoyed doing before you went to prison?

A I have to admit that my favorite thing would have been cruising the aisles at Costco on a Saturday Afternoon.

Q Given your knowledge on cars, if you could own any car – what would it be, and why?

A  1997 Land Rover Defender (2 door) in Bristol Green or yellow. It’s my primary goal to find one and keep it forever. I have loved these Jeep-like vehicles ever since I first saw one. They are surprisingly simple, classic in style and get better with age in my opinion. They are great for all weather terrain and I am well versed on Land Rover engines so I could work on it myself.

Q What are some things that you believe will take time for you to learn and adapt to when you get out of prison?

A

• Smart phones (my last phone was a Nokia 8350),
• IPads, Navigation Systems (last one I used operated on CDs),
• Airport procedures,
• Obama Care (I had Blue Cross Blue Shield),
• Social Media (I had MySpace),
• Grocery Shopping (Food has changed – a lot!)