Monday, April 28, 2014
Recently, I had a conversation with a
guy that had just returned to prison. He had previously served a 20 year
sentence and had only been released for 9 months before violating the terms of his
parole, causing him to come back to prison. I was curious to hear about how he
adapted and how he received the world etc.
Somehow, we ended up on the topic of
sex. He revealed that he had great difficulty performing. He explained that
though he was aroused, that he could not climax in the presence of another
person. When it came to intimacy, he was surprisingly shy and had difficulty
maintaining an erection. I could see the shame in his face as he admitted that
he was unable to consummate the relationship that he has had with his wife for
the past 26 years.
The fault apparently lies within the
conditioning of prison. For 20 years, masturbation became his ‘norm’. There
was no denying that. As I walked away, I couldn’t help but to wonder if I would
have the same – or at least, similar issues.
It has been a very long time since I
have had any real sexual contact with another man. Voyeurism doesn’t count. If
I am completely honest with myself, the thought of having sex is almost foreign
to me now. Over the years, the things that promote arousal in me have changed.
They are now, predominantly things that are associated with the intimacy of
relationships. Things like snuggling alongside someone, their smell, taking a
bath together, or sharing a meal. Clearly the more intimate things are now what
turns me on. I have never been big on casual sex and when I am released, I
doubt seriously that I will be participating in random sexcapades.
As far as intimacy goes though, I know
that it will be a challenge. True intimacy requires “trust” and that is
something I have grown to have difficulty with. I am not good at being
vulnerable, but will try my best if I meet someone worth trying for.
Masturbatory pleasure is completely
mechanical for me at this point. I no longer put much emphasis upon it and it
has completely lost its appeal. That doesn’t mean that I have given it up, but
rather, I utilize it for stress relief now. I would be completely fine if I
never had to masturbate again after my release. I mean that literally.
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