'DESENSITIZTION'

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

DESENSITIZTION: to make somebody less responsive to an overwhelming fear by repeated exposure to the feared situation or object, either in natural or artificial circumstances.

I had an outstanding visit with my mom this past weekend. The intensity of the day was spent discussing preparations for our permanent relocation back to Boston. It’s taken some time but I feel as though we are finally on the same page when it comes to comingling our goals.

At one point, we discussed that she will be leaving neonatal/pediatric medicine and returning to the adult trauma department. This was her original specialty and I think she is looking forward to returning to it. I asked if she felt ready for the ‘blood and guts’ again. She inferred that she was definitely ready… that the tolerance for it never really went away. Re-facilitating the ability to compartmentalize all of that was relatively easy for her. It was a thought provoking statement for me to hear her say.

I have been struggling with my own realization of just how desensitized I have become over the years of being incarcerated. In fact, I have gone to great lengths to try an hide it from people who are very close to me. I truly fear that they would think that something is drastically wrong with me. Worse yet, I feel that I would be deemed ‘institutionalized’ or psychopathic by those who I love most.

The truth is that I have lost that basic human emotion/reaction when witnessing physical abuse and/or brutality. I know how that must sound because it feels horrible just saying it. Unfortunately, I have seen things that are simply unforgettable. I must compartmentalize them and believe me I do. But they are there still… buried in the back of my mind.

For me, I am able to consciously decide what I choose to care about. There are things that are off limits of course, like my friends and family. I will never be able to tolerate any type of harm or malicious behavior aimed at them. Aside from them though, I can easily classify any act of violence and essentially choose to not care about it – or feel anything.

I do not like the fact that I am able to do this, let alone be successful at it. It is not natural. It is a trained character trait that I have developed due to an over exposure to violence. I accept the fact that there is a high chance that I will return to the way that I once was. Still, I like to believe that after some time, back in society, that those feelings and emotions will eventually come back and I will be able to react accordingly when exposed to violence.

When I explained this to my mom, she diid her best to ease my mind, explianingthat the adaption I have experienced was a means to survival. It had to happen in order for me to continue to move forward within each day. I know that she is right, but that doesn’t make me feel better about it. In fact, that was kind of frightening.

“Adapt, live or die, right?: It should be the mission statement for all high custody prisons.

'Aging; how it affects my psyche?...my vanity?...my attractions?'

Friday, February 28, 2014

Someone once told me that for gay men, life is over at 30. That aging is more difficult for the gay community than it is for actresses aging in Hollywood.  Though I feel that both these statements are gross exaggerations, they do have a small ring of truth to them.

Personally, I am learning to accept aging in a mature way and at a reasonably good pace. I work hard at staying healthy, in shape and I am happy with the way I look. I enjoy working out and these days, I seem to be doing it more for me rather than for someone else. In the past, I don’t think I would have been able to say that.

My hair began thinning when I was 22. I only recently began to embrace my ‘Jason Stathom’ look in the past year or so. The rough look seems to work for me though. The lines that have begun to develop around my eyes; the quintessential laugh lines… I like them. People have always said that I have ‘old eyes’; intense and even hard – so perhaps I am catching up. As far as my body goes, it is better now than it was ten or even 15 years ago. It’s muscular, flexible, linear in composition. I have a gymnast’s build. I am doing alright for 33. I will be released when I am 37 so I hope to feel the same then as I do now.

As a gay man over 30, I know that for a long time, my attractions were driven by my penis. I was incredibly visual, physical, almost carnal. I could care less if guys could piece together basic sentences. Today though, I am still visual – but in different ways. I have now also incorporated more character and emotional traits into my attraction draws. I can tell the difference between simply being attracted to the fantasy of being with someone versus the authentic person.

Things that get my attention? I love men, masculine men who know their way around a football game, who are comfortable in jeans and baseball hats etc., but are still capable of navigating through this season’s Tom Ford line. I prefer men that go easy on their manscaping. (Grooming is great, but going completely hairless is visually awkward to me… just saying.) I am drawn to men who stay in shape and know how to challenge me mentally.

Typically I look at whether I see myself waking up next to them in the morning; could I trust him, share life and have those wonderful, comfortable silences with him.

Since I lean toward the masculine spectrum, it will always get my attention when a man is powerful enough to tell me “No” and actually get my consideration. I am not exactly sure what that means, but it works more or less.

There you have it; my simple, perhaps impossible list of attractions.

' DISCRIMINATION'

Friday, February 28, 2014

DISCRIMINATION: Treating people differently through prejudice; unfair treatment of one person or group, usually because of prejudice about race, ethnicity, age, religion, sexual orientation or gender.

I woke this morning to discover that Arizona has a bill waiting to be signed that would allow businesses to turn away homosexuals. I feel so ashamed of the fact that I live in this state. Here it is 2014 and Arizona is taking huge steps backward. Politically, I strongly disagree with most everything that the state of Arizona stands for. Leaving this state will be the best day of my life.

My personal experience;

One would think that growing up in San Francisco I would have been introduced to discrimination early on, but that is not the case. I was taught about it, yes. Living in San Francisco allowed people to be who they were, real and organic. Understanding discrimination and actually being discriminated upon are completely different things.

The first time I experienced discrimination I was in high school here in Arizona. (Scottsdale) Classmates would ask where I was from and I would respond San Francisco. Their immediate thought was that I must be gay. I also realized that everyone divided themselves up into specific groups or cliques. I only attended private schools and the ones in Scottsdale were very different from the ones I went to in California. Financial status as apparently very important in Scottsdale, so by proxy, the kids were divided into three categories; #1 The Wealthy, #2 The Very Wealthy & #3 Those who had more money than the law should allow. In San Francisco, everyone was financially secure but nobody ever spoke about it. No one cared. In Scottsdale however, it was all about the clothes that I wore, the car that I drove, my summer/winter vacation destinations, my parent’s jobs, my address – and how many addresses we had.

Since I was new, nobody really knew much about me so they had no alternative other than to turn their perception into fact. They assumed that I was Latin American or of a mixed ethnicity because of my skin tone and features. They assumed that I was in the 2^nd financial category because I drove a Land Rover, wore designer clothes and had more than one address. Initially, I felt as though I would fit in but none of these things really mattered because, at the end of the day, they still believed that I was gay. That in of itself was social suicide in Scottsdale. Being that I was confident in the fact that I was gay however, I decided to rise above it. I figured that I needed to be stronger than the people who were judging me.

My prison experience;

Coming to prison, I was discriminated against not only for being gay, but also for being financially secure, light skinned, attractive, and educated. Saying that I was hated – would be an understatement.

Years later, after more fights than I care to count, and a couple of years in the “hole”, I have established myself in a society that I naturally shouldn’t fit into at all. I don’t want you to think that I have changed everyone’s minds because I haven’t. I have managed to enlighten a few, but in truth, the majority has simply chosen to accept me because it is easier than explaining how they have lost a fight to a homosexual. Many of them also realize that I am smarter than they are and so, in a way, I have Become an asset to them.

You have to remember that this will always be a testosterone based environment. Even though I am masculine, being gay still makes me weak in their eyes.

Yes, I know all about being discriminated upon.

'My Favorite Actors and Films'

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Actresses:

Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, Joan Crawford, Dianne Weiss, Audrey Hepburn, Helen Mirren, Glen Close

Actors

Kevin Spacey, Alana Coming, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jeremy Irons, Jonathon Rhyes Myers, Michael Douglas, Edward Burns

Films

#1 Dangerous Liaisons: Glen Close is one of my favorite actresses. I have always loved period pieces, specifically 16^th century ones. The story that is played out in this film is truly masterful and cunning. The acting is on point. The costumes and locations are unforgettable. If you pay close attention, you realize that you are seeing Uma Thurman and Keanu Reeves in the beginning of their acting careers. Lastly, you have the incomparable Michelle Pfeiffer. The film is beautiful, scandalous, provocative, sad and captivating.

#2 Far From Heaven; Julianne Moore is palpable as she tries her best to fight through her own personal scandal. It’s 1950. She is a socialite in New England with a gay man on the down-low as her husband. He is a good man, a wonderful provider and a good husband. But she still wants him to ‘love’ her. The challenges lead her into the arms of her gardener who also happens to be black. When she confesses her feelings for him though, she quickly learns that things cannot turn out as she hoped.

#3 The Women: Iconic in the simple fact that not a single man is present in the film. The first time I watched it, I was with my grandmother who explained how women would go to Nevada for reasonably quick divorces. The notion of that was ridiculous to me but I began to understand the process and the reasons that they did it. The content of the film is surprising when you consider that it is set in the 1940’s. You have women openly discussing infidelity, sex, ageism and a slew of other things that even today, would be challenging topics.

 

 

#4 The Usual Suspects: Who is Kaiser Sossier? The tantalizing thing about this film for is that every time I watch it, I pick up something new that I never realized before. This is one of those storylines that you certainly have to pay very close attention to. The casting is stupendous and there are no words to describe Kevin Spacey’s performance!

 

#5 Normal: Not surprising, the film did not receive the acclaim that I feel it should have. I realize that the subject matter is somewhat taboo and intense though. Imagine a lower class, factory working family in Middle America. Seemingly overnight, the husband decides to transition from male to female. Jessica Lange is remarkable in her role of wife, mother and in the end, friend. It’s not an easy film to watch but it is very powerful and thought provoking.

‘The Pursuit of Happiness, Flaws and All’

Saturday, February 22, 2014

I have been having an ongoing dialogue with a dear friend of mine regarding happiness and how the definition of it, the very idea of it, varies so definitively from one person to another. 

I make no bones about the fact that I have some…let’s say ‘challenging’ character traits. Taking that into consideration, I have to wonder if I am not meant to find my “happy”. 

Consider for the moment the following traits:

• Type A personality
• Methodically clean and organized
• Hyper analytical
• Stubborn and Decisive
• Confident
• Unforgiving

I suppose the fact that I am completely aware that I have these ‘flaws’ is half of the battle. Still, I have to take it a step further because they hinder certain aspects of my life. Like anything there is a positive and a negative to this; I am glad that I have these traits but I know that, in the pursuit of my own happiness, that it may very well be that I am never satisfied enough.

Over the years it has become clear that I am the type of person who is happiest while I am in the pursuit of something; a goal or at least I have an objective. I decide on something that I want to accomplish and then I Genuinely love the process, the drive and energy while working toward it. The key is that once I have completed what I have set out to do, I have to immediately begin a new task. If I have no task or goal to work toward to, then I lose energy and quickly qualify myself as ‘unhappy’.

Is this trivial? I’m not sure. I want so badly to be ‘ok’, to be able to be content with whatever life I end up with. The reality is that I’m just not that person though. I think it’s time that I either admit it, or begin putting a lot of energy into changing some things about myself. But these are things that I am not even sure are changeable.

I need to embrace myself, flaws and all – right? I must learn to accept that I may just have a different ‘Happy’.

‘Working on why I want Love’

Friday, February 21, 2014

 

Intuitively, I aspire to be in a relationship but as I progress in this journey, I am becoming increasingly aware of not only what a relationship would mean, but more importantly, why I would want one in the first place. If I acknowledge the logical side of my brain, I know that I would like to be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. For a very long time, I have had this notion in my mind that being in a relationship was actually a sign of status, or even accomplishment. It is certainly a sign that I have done what is expected in life. It’s archaic and it took a very close friend of mine to point out that picture for me. It was a very jagged pill to swallow but I did. Now I am working diligently on absorbing it, but denial can be a disease to some of us. 

I don’t like fashioning myself to that of a female, but there is a statement made by Chimamanda Ngozi Aside that reads:

"We teach our girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls ‘you can have ambition but not too much. You can be successful, but not too successful; otherwise you threaten the man.

Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is most important.

A marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support, but how do we teach girls that they should aspire to marriage and not teach boys the same?

We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for the jolt of accomplishment which I think can be good.

We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are."

‘Feminist’; A person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes.

Like so many things in our lives, we are predisposed to things that we believe that we want or need. Sometimes we find ourselves in steady search of those things without knowing the reason behind them. More often than not, we as human beings want those things that are not always best for us at the time.

I know that barely scraping the surface here but I need to work on all of these things.

I think that’s enough David philosophy for one day….

‘A leap in time’

Friday, February 21, 2014

Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts, my mind wanders to the ‘what will be’ part of my life; the FUTURE. 

I admit full-heartedly that there are times that I become frustrated, depressed and well, saddened at what has become of my life. It is nobody's fault but my own and I try to ignore it most times but reality has a way of rearing its ugly head.

 

What’s to become of me when the time comes for me to walk out of these tall fences, so neatly trimmed with barbed wire? Am I to believe that there is a plan already laid out for me, some intrinsic outline of my life that has already been written in the stars? I’d like to think that we are in control of our own destinies but if that is the case than I have no more chances. I have to do my best to turn this life that I have led thus far in a very different direction. Rewrite the script if you will…

 

I know what I imagine, and what that is - could be interpreted as simple, or perhaps even minimal. Will I be my own success story? If so, how will I know when I have succeeded? Everyday I watch people chase things round and round, trying to accomplish more and more. How much is enough though? Don’t we all measure success in different ways? For some, its money but for others; it may be family, friends, their career, health or even love and relationships.

 

For me, I hope to be able to work, have a career, and be successful and independent. I want to own my own home, a loft or an apartment in the city (Boson). It doesn’t need to be extravagant or ‘over the top’. I am a dog lover so I see a puppy as my ‘partner’ almost immediately upon my release. I would love a small circle of friends and of course, to be close to my family. Weekend get-aways and vacations are all well and good, but I have really become rather simplistic in my wants and needs. That is to be expected when you have had to fit your entire life into a few small banker boxes and a 10x6 space. I live in an area that is smaller than the closet of my home prior to coming into prison. 

That fact alone should really put things into a proper perspective.