Monday, January 26, 2015
By now, if you are a regular visitor
to my blog, you will know that I am a supporter of relationships. Yes, I have
been in my own journey when it comes to deciphering what it that I want and need
in a relationship and yes – it has changed.
Many years ago, perhaps 05’, I was so
convinced that I needed to have someone that I was willing to be anyone, say
anything in order to have someone want me. The problem was that the person they
would end up wanting never truly existed because it was a façade, a
manifestation of that ‘perfect person’ I had created for them to want. The
charade was exhausting and even though I knew that it would eventually come
crashing down – I still created it. I did this all because in the few moments
where I felt wanted, or needed by the other person – was worth everything to
me.
Unfortunately, I was selfish and
idiotic because I never gave much thought to how it would affect the other
person.
I am embarrassed to say that even
though I pulled in the reigns, it wasn’t until 2013 that I could truly say:
“yes I want to be in a healthy and committed relationship with someone”. The
caveat however was that I wanted it to happen with the right person and with
complete transparency.
Right now, I am ‘A O K’.
Last year, I received a lot of
proposals via mail. I also received a tone of letters with miscellaneous
questions on where my head was at in regard to relationships, especially
between two men. I did my best to answer these questions as genuinely as
possible knowing that some of my words might not make it through the reader’s
filter in the exact way that I had meant it. Still, I did my best.
There is a statement that I made
almost a year ago however that continues to be brought up:
“I do believe that two men can be in a monogamous and committed relationship but – there has to be genuine sexual fulfillment.”
Apparently, this provoked a great deal
of thought from many readers and, a great deal of postal response came in to me
as a result. It became evident to me that a lot of gay men are in amazing
relationships, and I learned, that some of these relationships may not
necessarily be sexually compatible. They still however - make it work.
Typically they make it work through
strong communications. Some partners bring a 3rd party into the
bedroom and others simply enjoy an “open relationship”. These concepts are
becoming more ever present in relationships – both gay and straight. I am not
in a position to judge because, after all, every relationship is different and
what works for one, may not work for another. Still, these suggestions and
recommendations were presented to me in direct response to how they perceived
my statement.
I admit that I understand their basis
for the defense of their relationships. What I took issue with however, was that
I specifically used the terms ‘monogamous’ and ‘committed’. Call me old
fashioned, but I do not think I could be in a monogamous, committed
relationship and still be allowed to sleep with other people. Am I missing
something here?
The responses that I was receiving,
more or less, proved my point. Regardless how relationships are experienced, it
still remains true that a certain degree of sexual fulfillment must occur in
order to promote a higher chance of remaining committed to one another, and
well – monogamous.
The following questions were presented
to me. In answering them – I may actually be prompting an even more volatile
level of conversation. I welcome everyone’s feedback however – so please feel
free.
1. Q Is sexual fulfillment a prerequisite for
everyone?
A Absolutely not. I think it’s
appropriate to say that we, as human beings, have varied sexual appetites,
needs and desires. We are also able to weigh the pros and cons in life and I
believe it is probably better to become involved with someone for whom they
are, versus who they are – ‘between the sheets’. Still, let’s hope for the
best.
2. Q Is the end game simply just a sexually
viable pairing?
A Interestingly enough, I believe it
is more important for a man to find this than a woman. I do not think it’s the
‘end game; however I do think that it is at the forefront of many men’s minds.
3. Q Is the assumption that by partnering, you
will be ensured sexual satisfaction for the balance of your life with that one
person?
A This question is a bit dramatic I
think, but no. I believe relationships, partners etc., go through a series of
phases. I also know of many sexless relationships that seem to stand on their
own, albeit they began as sexual ones.
4. Q Does the true measure of a successful
partnership hinge upon mutual sexual fulfillment?
A In my humble opinion, absolutely. If
you truly are a person that wants a committed and monogamous relationship – and
a successful one at that – then you must be in tune with one anothers sexual
needs and hopefully able to fulfill them for one another.
5. Q If there is no sexual compatibility or
fulfillment, can there still be love?
A Yes. I do not think that ‘love’ has
anything to do with sex in the relationship. I believe that ‘love’, is about
the person. To include sex as a prerequisite to love, would be superficial to
me.
Please feel free to join this dialogue
by adding your comment here, or if you prefer, send your comments and questions
to me directly at:
David R McKinney
#169947 QN9
ASPC Florence,
North
PO Box 8000
Florence, AZ 85132-8000
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