Thursday, February 5, 2015
By now, most of you are aware that I
have had a hell of an adventure when it come to pen pals and getting to know
someone through “snail mail”. I have had so many ‘come and go’ pen pals over
the years that I could literally write an entire novel about the experience.
One thing however, that remains constant with all of these writer’s diversity
is that they slowly fade, then disappear back into their own respective lives.
I have discussed this many times with
Joey over the years. It is so easy to think that there must surely be something
‘wrong’ with these pen pals, when in fact, there may indeed be something wrong
with me!
A pattern of repeated behavior used to
be easily identifiable, but over time, I have changed. In the beginning, I was
obviously attempting to fill a void of intimacy and emotion. Acknowledging that
fact was difficult, because it made me feel weak and desperate. Once I pulled
in the reigns and began to get a grip, I began to focus my correspondence in
developing friendships. While it would start there, invariable, things would
escalate to a deeper level and I would – fall for it. My guess is that on the
other end, the reality of being involved with someone in prison would set in and
‘POOF’, they would disappear.
I wound up pulling away from
corresponding with pen pals because nothing positive was resulting and more
often than not, I would feel like crap in the aftermath. When I finally decided
that it was time to reconnect with people, I chose to look at it in a new way.
I genuinely wanted to make some new friends, to keep things on a strictly
platonic level and to engage in some meaningful, ephemeral dialogues. My hopes
were dashed. Those efforts, failed as well.
The entire situation is so
disheartening. I admit that people these days are busy with life, work,
responsibilities etc.. I understand that completely. Still, the correspondence
has a tendency to fail once a true connection has been made (i.e. after months of
correspondence) and so, I cannot help but to wonder if it is me – rather than
them?
Have you ever tried to scrutinize your
own behavior?
It is very difficult because you do
not want to be too easy or too hard on yourself. That in mind, I have no idea
if it was me or not who caused the breakdown of these pen pal engagements. In
the absence of knowing, I am left with no other alternative that to assume
that, it must be me.
Change for most, is hard. Change when
you don’t know what you need to change… well, that is almost impossible. I am
open to ideas, thoughts and criticisms. If you, the reader, have anything to
say, them please feel free to comment here – or drop me a line.
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