Phone calls with Mom; "Someone else’s unhappiness can feel like the world sometimes."

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I called the house this morning to speak with my mother. She had been asleep since 3:00 AM because her shift at the hospital ended at 2:00 AM. She has really picked up the pace as far as work goes and, if you were not already aware, her normal work week is about 90 hours. Picking up the pace from that – is crazy. One thing for sure, is that she is what we all refer to as a “go getter”. She is someone who is always doing what she needs to do, to accomplish her goals.

I am incredibly proud of her, but that does not make up for the fact that it kills me that I cannot be there to help her. I wish that I could be contributing in some way because she alone has to do everything. It is all on her and it’s a lot. She takes it with ease and we communicate about everything. I know that if it bothers me though, then it must bother her too.

What upsets me though is that she has no life really. If she is not at work, then she is visiting her only child at a state prison. Occasionally she will go to the mall for some retail therapy. It is after all, a cathartic experience - even if she doesn’t go to many places to wear what she purchases.

It occurred to me that neither of us are very happy with too much in our lives. We both work simply to remain busy and to keep our minds off the reality we face once we lay our heads down to rest. I am working 5, twelve hour days a week now. I do this not for the paycheck, but because it gives me a sense of purpose and so that I am not reminded of the fact that I am in prison all day long.

My mother works even more because she is not happy with her life in Arizona. She will not leave however until I am released from prison. The only happiness she gets is being back in Boston visiting with Joe, or hanging out with my aunt Deb one evening every other week or so. Once again, I am forced to remember that all of this – is my fault. It’s all a domino effect because of my car accident and there is nothing I can do about it.

I have given up asking, begging and pleading with her to leave. One mistake that I have made, was always telling her everything that goes on behind these walls. She has become incredibly knowledgeable in all things prison and for that reason alone, she will not leave.

It is an incredibly heavy weight for me to carry around. Someone else’s unhappiness can feel like the world sometimes.

A new job = new responsibilities; "I am exhausted just thinking about it."

Monday, March 4, 2013

Things are changing rapidly here and though I am 100% supportive of them, it is already apparent that a lot of officers are not as accepting to change.

The new deputy warden believes in ownership, responsibility and accountability. She insists on consistency throughout with inmates as well as staff and she is aware that change here is essential.

During my meeting with our new Deputy Warden, I was informed that I will be running programs and special projects. I have facilitated all of these things before with her supervision on other yards and so, she is aware if my skills and capabilities. The only downside is that I have never had to do them all.  Right now, as it stands, I will be facilitating the following classes to the inmate populations:

Re-entry Class; This program is designed to educate inmates on the best ways to survive outside f here. The information includes all the basics including how to open a bank account, get an apartment, fill out job applications, how to interview, get health insurance etc.

Cultural Diversity: This is designed specifically for the more hardened, political inmates who need to learn acceptance of all ethnic backgrounds. Ironically it will be me; a multi racial homosexual who will teach them these classes.

Cognitive Thinking; This class will help guys process their thoughts and feelings. So many people do not knopw how to deal with things that go on in their own minds.

Anger Management; The title says it all. We need to try and change the way that inmates in here react to people. In the real world society, people are going to be rude, disrespectful and do upsetting things. We cannot just go around assaulting those who do.

On top of facilitating those 4 classed, I will also be heading up the Restorative Justice Project. This program allows me to set up various fundraisers for all sorts of things for the inmate population to purchase through an approved vendor. Once an item is selected, we mark up the purchase price 100%. We purchase the items for the inmates and the profits received are then donated to the Victims Rights Fund.

The Special Projects aspect is basically that I have to keep a tally of things that need to be done; i.e.: painting tasks, maintenance and grievance issues etc..

So it appears that I have my work cut out for me. And I will be compensated $.50 cents an hour. Right now, I am exhausted just thinking about it all and I need to sleep.

Introducing my mom to my pen pals; a huge topic of conversation...

Monday, February 11, 2013

Over the years, I have had many interesting pen pals and a couple of borderline serious relationships. Each of them has been a learning experience and an adventure in their own way. I have however; been very conscientious about keeping my pen pals separate from my friends and family… especially my mom. There is only one exception to this that has had a positive outcome. Joe, who readers of this blog know, is not only my nearest and dearest friend; he was also my very 1^st pen pal in 2007. Since he was the 1^st, I took to confiding in my mom about him. When it came time for Joe and I to finally meet, well, mom wanted to meet him as well. They really hit it off, and since then, have developed quite an extraordinary friendship of their own. A lot of this has to do with the fact that they can have relatable conversation. Whatever the case may be, it works.

In 2008, I became seriously involved with a pen pal. He was a model living in Chicago and we really hit it off… at least on paper and phone.  I genuinely believed that he could be the “one for me”, because he seemed to be perfect in every way. When it came time for him to fly out and visit for a weekend, again, mom wanted to meet him. This amazing and perfect man, turned out to be a total basket case. He all but proposed to me at visitation. He spoke about relocating to Arizona until I was released. Later, he broke down sobbing and losing it in front of my mom. Whoa.
Needless to say, things did not work out all that well.

Since that experience, I have not made much mention of my pen pals, nor have I even begun to entertain the thought of them meeting my mother.  The time has come again for me to decide on this though and I think I am going to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

A man whom I have been writing to, James, has already met Joe and the idea of him now meeting my mother has come up. I decided that I would like for them to meet. Since Joe has already met him and likes him a lot, I am certain that it will be fine. There are also no romantic possibilities lingering between James and I. He is already in a relationship, and I am not his ‘type’, so I think we are safe. Over and above all that though, I genuinely like him very much and he is a good friend.

In addition to James, is my friend Parishot, a really great guy who currently lives in New Delhi. He is going to try and come out to visit in April and I am leaning towards getting him and my mom together. Both of them are world travelled and work in the medical field so I believe they would have a lot of things to talk about. I still have time to decide on this, but my mind is asking; “why not?”

How does an inmate give off the perception of being a "Lifer"?

Monday, February 11, 2013

Late last night, as I was standing in front of the mirror brushing my teeth, another inmate, who I do not speak to very often, was staring at me through the reflection in the mirror. I paused and asked him what he was looking at. He said that he was curious about what I had done to receive a life sentence. That question got me to spit out my toothpaste immediately, turn around and ask him why he thought I had a life sentence. He claimed that it was the way I carry myself. I informed him that I had a 16 year long sentence and that I had five years remaining. He appeared to be surprised by this and apologized before making a fast exit from the bathroom.

I resumed my tooth brushing detail but began studying myself in the mirror. I didn’t think that I looked like a ‘lifer’, but then, I couldn’t describe what a lifer actually looked like. Thinking about my behavior and the way that I carry myself was also unconvincing. As I left the bathroom, I was in a state of confusion. Never before had someone assumed that I was in prison for a life sentence. The very idea of that, was heart stopping.

27 inches of snow in Boston; Am I crazy to wish that I was there?

Monday, February 11, 2013

The Nor’easter/blizzard of 2013 that hit my soon to be hometown of Boston this past Friday and Saturday was mind blowing simply to watch on CNN. I tried my best to stay in contact with Joe. He has of course, been fine. As I watched the aftermath on TV on Saturday evening, I realized that longed to be there. Then again, in retrospect, I am in prison so, I’d rather be in Baghdad if given the option. Maybe a blizzard isn’t that crazy at all…

New England certainly has their work cut out for them. I hope that they all get back on track soon.

Another successful food visit; "We could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food."

Monday, February 11, 2013

Yesterday’s events went perfectly. It was, by all accounts, the 1^st good day that I have had in some time and the only thing that could have made it better would have been to have had someone special to make love to, have a glass of wine with and to watch the Grammy Awards with. Instead, I opted to sit in my bed with John, down bottles of water and watch the Grammy’s.

Mom, Kevin, Paula and Deb all arrived early with two large coolers of treats. They had been slowly preparing this feast since Friday afternoon. Breakfast was Starbucks coffee with homemade vanilla topping, crepes filled with Nutella and bananas, French toast stuffed with cream cheese, oranges and Grand Marnier, prosciutto cups with mushrooms, eggs and bacon. Lunch was tomato bisque, linguini with clams, mussels and shrimp in a wine sauce, baked tilapia in a pablano chili cream sauce, meatloaf with mashed potatoes mixed with gouda cheese and horseradish. Desert was a pineapple upside down cheesecake, a chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake, and a chocolate-peanut butter crème brulee’ cheesecake - all from the Cheesecake Factory.

The food was amazing and John and I grazed on everything throughout the entire day. By the time 4:00 PM came around, we could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food. It was well worth it!

I actually slept in this morning, perhaps a foodie hangover, so I got up around 7:00 AM. I’m off of work today which is great. I think we can both use a day to recover! The only plan I have today is to get a workout in at some point before day’s end.

Sometimes I wish we, as human beings, did not allow fear to be a motivator as often as we do

Thursday, February 28, 2013

So much of what I do in here is out of fear.

I am continuously reminding myself of what would, could or should happen if I do not do something, act a certain way or appear in a such a way. It’s certainly jarring at times. It has also caused me to wonder if it will be similar outside these walls. No doubt I am always overwhelmed some of the madness in here. It is inevitable that I will likely be overwhelmed by a multitude of things outside these walls as well. It will be different though…. Right?

Perhaps the use of fear as a motivator is just the way it is supposed to be.

When inmates are bored, they stir the pot; "it is NOT acceptable for the Crips to discipline a Blood"

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

There is a particular Brotha here who, I believe, runs with the Bloods and he works the yard crew. What that means is that he does nothing but walk the yard, pick up trash, polish brass on doors etc.. The rumor is, he has become a bit too comfortable with the officers. Unbeknownst to me, the remainder of the inmate population says that he is always talking to various officers. Since his job does not require him to be in communication with the officers, this is seen as a bad thing on the yard.

This morning, a couple of Crips from the other side of the yard came over and threw a few punches into this guy’s face. Now, despite the fact that the majority of the inmate population believed he should be disciplined, it is NOT acceptable for the Crips to discipline a Blood. This particular event has initiated a huge amount of Crips vs. Bloods activity from one side of the yard to the other. Since no one is passing through from one side to the other today, all conversations will have to be put on hold until tomorrow.

Hell hath no fury!

 

Out with the old, In with the new; Back to administration I go as the Special Projects Clerk

Monday, February 25, 2013

A new administrator has been brought in to revamp our unit. I know this woman on a professional level and have many years history of working with her. I 2008, I assisted her and another deputy warden in developing a statewide program called Earned Incentive Program (EIP) for all inmates. I was interviewed with them on PBS by John Lehr and another director at that time. Needless to say, we have history.

My boss and I happened to go up to administration this morning to deliver a computer. When the new administrator saw me, she immediately called me over to her. She asked me where I was working and I told her. Then she said; "Not anymore you’re not…” My boss attempted to intervene and keep me, but she pulled rank and said that now, I would be officially working for her.

So back to administration I go as the Special Projects Clerk.

I begin next Monday.

Fear and loathing in Scottsdale, Arizona

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Funny, my greatest fear in life has nothing to do with being in prison. One would think I should be most afraid of waking up every day in this place and enduring everything that goes on in here.

The fact of the matter, is that my greatest fear is that for whatever reason, my mother does not take it upon herself to relocate somewhere else that might make her happier. She too, does not like Arizona, but remains here because of me. Perhaps because of that, she has become somewhat complacent in her life. And I worry. As she ages, the inevitability of health problems becomes greater. Should something happen to her within the next 5 years, then I would of course be required to return to my old home here in Arizona upon my release. Scottsdale represents a sad, negative and tragic past for me. The possibility of having to begin my life there, with all those dark memories, rocks me to my core. There would be no other option though.

It is something I would have to do.

Shifting relationships

Sunday, February 24, 2013

I am upset with myself, It wasn’t until this weekend that I really recognized a complete shift in my relationship with my mother. She and I have had an amazing life together and I have always considered her as my best friend rather than my mother. It worked for us though, and looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Still, underneath it all, I have always been her “baby”.

Today however, I am 32 years old. I want to be independent, to have a separate life and possibly, have a partner to build that life with. With that in mind, I have been continuously been working on finding a true balance between myself and my mom. Right now, as I sit here at my little metal desk in prison, I can do that with relative ease. Successfully doing that while I am out in the real world, is going to be a bit more challenging. I do not view it as a good or bad thing, but simply, something that I am going to have to do in my life, in order to have a life.

A weekend of change and recognition

Sunday, February 24, 2013

It’s closing in on 1:00 AM and I can’t sleep. My mind is traveling at 100 MPH as I am going over this weekend’s conversations with Joe. As a whole, the weekend was wonderful. All of my time spent with Joe is special because I get to exhale and truly be “me”. It’s a real escape from prison because I do not have to go over all the things that are happening here on a daily basis.

We talk about life, our friends, and help each other get clarity on so many things. He is a true friend. At the same time, he is the one person in my life who is able to successfully call me out on my shit and dig deep within my conscious mind.

A main topic of conversation was the idea of me being released and moving in with him in Boston. I have been going back and forth on this because we are polar opposites in every way. It could be very challenging for us both. I also do not want to insert myself into his well designed bachelorhood. After much consideration, I had decided that rather than moving in with him, it would be best for me to rent a room somewhere close to him in Boston when I eventually get out. Surprisingly, Joe raised some good arguments as to why that would not be the best idea. In the end, the final decision was for me to move in with him as a starting point. Boston will be a big, new city to me and it will allow me the time to get acclimated and adjusted. Of course there will be more conversations about expectations on both ends, but I am so appreciative that he would even do this for me.

Since there are five years remaining until then though, he and I both know that things are subject to change. I may meet a wonderful guy and fall in love. And that man may not be able (or willing) to relocate to Boston. Should that happen, I would have to change everything up. Who knows? Another variable would be the health of my family members. Should one of them become ill, I would of course need to relocate to a location such as San Francisco to support them.  But for now, the tentative plan is to relocate to Boston and begin my new life at Joe’s home in beautiful Mission Hill.

When the past comes back, it is not always a bad thing;

Thursday, February 14, 2013

My ex partner and I have always sporadically been in contact since our break up. He is a good man who was supportive of me, but the demise of our relationship was twofold; we both made mistakes along the way and the accident was seemingly, the icing on the cake. Initially our communication was confusing for me because our love and memories complicated things. Now though, I believe we are in a really good place. He is a friend and that simple, yet powerful fact surprises me. The very fact that we have a history and have been able to see one another evolve, grow and become better versions of ourselves adds to that bond.

The past year or so, we have been in more steady contact and he has been out to visit a few times. He is relocating to NYC next week from San Francisco for a new job and I am thrilled for him. This coming Saturday will likely be the last time I will see him for a good while, so I am looking forward to that for sure.

As I was speaking to him on the phone yesterday, he asked; “Do you think if the accident had not happened that we’d be doing the whole marriage and kids thing?” I paused and then said that I didn’t think so because I would have inevitably messed things up between the two of us. I stated that it’s quite possible that if not for the accident, that he and I might not even be in contact at all. After a period of silence, he agreed. Again, I have no idea where my life would be or what I’d be doing if I was not here. I do not harp on those possibilities… The ‘What ifs’ are interesting to think about though.

Right now, today, all I think about is what’s to come. That is what gives me peace of mind. This life is not ‘it’ for me, but if not for it, well, I have no idea where I’d be. Is that something to be thankful for?

President's Day was a violent one; "If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down."

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I got up yesterday focused on having a great day. I had to write to a new friend Paul, who another inmate is desperately trying to hook me up with. After that, my plan was to work out, call home and then relax.

The morning was great, but as I went outside around noon, a white inmate was jumped, right in front of me. I kept walking toward the phones. Some guys got him up, and brought him inside. As I got to the phones, two more white inmates were also jumped. I proceeded to call my mom and check in. If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down.

Halfway through my phone call with mom, John rushed over and asked me if I would look at the injuries to one of the white inmate’s head to see if it would require stitches. I ended the call and went to examine the injury. I looked at his head carefully and then informed them that, in my opinion, it would require staples. (I later learned that the medics apparently used super glue instead.)

Realizing that the yard was running on Normal Operations, I decided to go ahead with my work out. The afternoon, at least my afternoon, was really very nice. That cannot be said for everyone.

I am back to work today, which is good. This week is really short. I will only work Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Piece of cake! The best news is that Joe will be here from Boston to spend the entire weekend with me.

That alone, makes my entire month. I can’t wait!

http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/prison-conditions-a-collection-of-images/

A chance encounter that I cannot stop thinking about

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Normally when I am at visitation, I am in my own little world as far as prison goes and I am focused on my conversation with my visitors. Because I have been in prison for so long however, I am always aware of my surroundings.

This past Sunday, I was sitting with Kevin but continued to make eye contact with a very cute guy who was visiting with another inmate. I have seen him many times before. On that day however, our eye contact escalated and out of nowhere, he mentions my name aloud, but in question form. Our eyes locked, and he motioned for me to meet him by a wall in the area.

All he says to me is; “Nice blog”, then smiles and returns to go about his visit. I relayed the comment to Kevin and he laughed. My mind began to swim in thought. I finally worked up some much needed courage to approach him again. I told him that if he is aware of my blog, then he should get in touch with me sometime. He said that he definitely would – but time will tell…

Though I am off work this week, I am still busy as hell; "I have been inundated with other people’s problems."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Our boss has to fill in for an officer on maternity leave so John and I are off all week. I had plans to read, write and work out until my body could take no more. That has not been possible to do. Instead, I have been inundated with other people’s problems. It’s Thursday morning and the issues continue to come in.

Problem breakdown;

Sunday food visit; I have a friend here, who I do my best to keep ‘in line’. He desperately wants to be ‘somebody’, regardless how hard I try to sway him away from that desire. His wife was apprehended at the visitor check in, bringing in contraband. They apparently seized a couple of small bottles of alcohol from her. To make matters worse, the woman that she gave a ride to, was discovered to have narcotics in her vaginal canal. (I suspect she was trying to bring this in to whomever she was visiting.) In any case, the situation is bad and really, I have no sympathy for anyone because, as readers know, I am not a fan of drugs, not even spice. Still, my friend is now on edge and has been in constant need of hand holding. I am not a hand holding type of guy when I feel you blatantly brought these problems upon yourself. I will support him because he is my friend but the boy is suffocating me. Eventually the investigators will interview him and it is quite possible that he will be moved to a higher custody level yard somewhere in the state.

Monday Evening; An older white man made the mistake of picking up someone else’s sweatshirt. He truly believed it was his. The owner however, was dead set convinced that he was trying to steal it and would not let it go. Shortly thereafter, a few white guys beat the crap out of him literally and it was incredibly sad. It should never have happened but I have no say in how the white’s take care of their own problems. I was disgusted though.

Tuesday Morning; A white guy came to John begging for help. He is $310.00 in debt to the blacks. This guy went top John strategically knowing that John and I are best friends. It took me the better part of 4 hours to go around and speak to everyone he owes money to and get them to back off. I assured them that they would be paid in time and to be patient. I only did this to help out John. Dealing with the blacks in prison when it comes to money is incredibly challenging. They have no tolerance but they cannot go against my requests so, at least I have bought this guy some time, on John’s behalf. At this point, all I can say is that the money will hopefully be paid back. I cannot intercede on his behalf anymore.

Wednesday Afternoon; Since I am so often at work, and off the yard, I am not aware of how many of my ‘Brotha’s ‘ are getting trivial disciplinary tickets. They range from not being clean shaved, to sagging pants, out of place or not wearing their IDs. These tickets are warranted so I had to have a “Come to Jesus” meeting with some of the youngsters who are behaving like knuckleheads. It is not hard to walk around the yard and be in compliance. They need to get with the program because these trivial tickets can boost their points up quickly and before they know it, they will be relocated to a level 4 maximum custody yard. I have been on max yards and a lot of these youngsters have no idea what they are getting themselves into.

Anyway, it’s been busy here and today has only just begun. I wonder what today will bring for me?

When the past comes back, it is not always a bad thing; "The ‘What ifs’ are interesting to think about though."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

My ex partner and I have always sporadically been in contact since our break up. He is a good man who was supportive of me, but the demise of our relationship was twofold; we both made mistakes along the way and the accident was seemingly, the icing on the cake. Initially our communication was confusing for me because our love and memories complicated things. Now though, I believe we are in a really good place. He is a friend and that simple, yet powerful fact surprises me. The very fact that we have a history and have been able to see one another evolve, grow and become better versions of ourselves adds to that bond.

The past year or so, we have been in more steady contact and he has been out to visit a few times. He is relocating to NYC next week from San Francisco for a new job and I am thrilled for him. This coming Saturday will likely be the last time I will see him for a good while, so I am looking forward to that for sure.

As I was speaking to him on the phone yesterday, he asked; “Do you think if the accident had not happened that we’d be doing the whole marriage and kids thing?” I paused and then said that I didn’t think so because I would have inevitably messed things up between the two of us. I stated that it’s quite possible that if not for the accident, that ha and I might not even be in contact at all. After a period of silence, he agreed. Again, I have no idea where my life would be or what I’d be doing if I was not here. I do not harp on those possibilities… The ‘What ifs’ are interesting to think about though.

Right now, today, all I think about is what’s to come. That is what gives me peace of mind. This life is not ‘it’ for me, but if not for it, well, I have no idea where I’d be. Is that something to be thankful for?

Where would I be right now, if I wasn't here today?

Thursday, February 14, 2013

This is a question that I ask myself a lot and it is not always an easy question to answer. There is no denying the fact that if not for my accident, I would not be the man that I am today. I would not have matured in the same way, or had the time to really discover who I am as a person. So much of what I was doing prior to coming to prison was simply ‘keeping up with the Jones’.  Everything was about that moment in time and not about the next day, week or even year. Some would say that it is normal behavior for a 20 year old. The difference for me, was that I was in a real relationship at that time. That in mind, I had little balance to my life.

Looking back, I would have given anything to be able to have done things differently. Since I do not have that luxury, I will have to take everything that I have learned and take it with me as I embark on the next chapter of my life when I am released.

I am really looking forward to that.

Today is Valentine’s Day and even though it is a completely manufactured holiday, I went back through my memory rolodex to the good Valentine’s Days that I once had. It is just one more thing that I took for granted. Oh well. At least I am not overly sentimental about it.

"I do"; 'There has been an overwhelming amount of marriage applications coming through'

Monday, February 4, 2013

My 49ers could not hang on for the Superbowl. Watching the game was so difficult and I suppose I should be happy with the fact that we came back from being down a whopping 22 points. We still did not have victory though. Oh well. There is always next season and no matter what, win lose, or tie, it’s Niners til I die!

It’s 5:00 AM and I have been up since 4:00 AM. John has just gone out for a run and will be back in time for us to get to work by 6:00 AM. Being that it is Monday, I’m almost certain that my inbox at work is full. There is something in the air of the new year too because there has been an overwhelming amount of marriage applications coming through. It’s really crazy to see so many of the guys I live around getting married. Sadly, the only real thoughts I have are in wondering who these women are that want to marry some of these guys.

Besides work, I will just take it easy and see what the day brings. I am still bound and determined to have a good month.

 

The OG vs the Fish; "We are expected to act first and ask questions later.."

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Yesterday, I was speaking with one of my ‘OG’s”(Old Guards); one of the people whom I have to answer to. There are only two of them. We were speaking about some drama that is occurring on the yard. John made a comment that caused my ‘OG’ to put him in check verbally. I thought John was going to shit his pants. Afterwards, I told John that he needs to remember that not all people are going to be receptive to his input. To many, he is still considered a “fish”, meaning a new inmate.

Even for me, I could never let certain people know that I talk things out, or even get advice at times from John. It would be a violation because I am considered an ‘OG’. I have experienced everything there is to see and have been to super max facilities that most will never see. We are expected to act first and ask questions later. I do not do that, but I have learned to give the believable impression that I do. That is where my aggressive observation comes in handy. I always need to know what guys are going to do before they know it themselves.

John is okay of course and I would never, ever allow anything to happen to him. Still, it was a reality check for him.

Another long day

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I am pretty tired  and yet I am still awake at 5:00 AM. People are stirring in their beds and likely debating on whether or not they want to be first in line for breakfast. It’s pancake day so the majority of the yard will go. It is the one breakfast that is actually okay and recognizable to the eye.

Yesterday was exhausting. It seemed as though every inmate needed  or wanted something so our office continued to have a revolving door for the better part of the day. I suppose it made the day go by faster, but it was draining. Upon my return to the dorm, I found a letter from one of my new pen pals, Dre and that was great. I got another quick workout in and then was asked to cut a friend of mine, Buck’s hair.

Technically I am not supposed to cut his hair because he is white. The ‘Head’ of the whites however, is also a friend of mine, and views me as exempt. Imagine that! So, as I was giving Buck a fade, a couple of other white guys asked me for haircuts as well.  I asked them to get permission and they did. Before I realized it, I had four people waiting to get their hair cut and I am not the barber! I do however know how to cut hair well, even though it is not my favorite thing to do.

By the time I was beginning my 3^rd haircut, John could see that I was going to be awhile so he began cooking dinner; roast beef sandwiches.  I finished cutting hair by 7:00 PM, showered and settled in for ‘The Bachelor’. I know its terrible, but everyone watches it. That was followed up ‘The Following’ and ‘Deception’.

I began writing Dre back around 10:00 PM and went to bed around 1:00 AM. So yeah, I am tired.

I do not have to be at work today until noon, but a friend of mine arrived here yesterday from another yard and I need to catch up with him. I will fill him in on everything that is going on and make sure that he has everything he needs. I also need to pick up some things at the inmate store, swing by property and call home to check in.

John is still asleep in his bed just to the right of me. He has been very active in his sleep lately and even lacerated his forehead the other night because he hit his head on the edge of his desk. It didn’t even wake him up. I have been keeping an eye on him.

The fear of consequence will only last so long..

Sunday, February 3, 2013

If you have been reading along, then you know that there was a series of really unfortunate and violent events here last month. Things got so bad that the administration had us on Lockdown status for about 10 days straight and even took everyone’s privileges away for an entire weekend. That is very rare.

Since then, things have certainly calmed down. The big question that needs to be asked here though, is how long will that calm last? So many men here are continually making bad choices that would normally receive some form of physical discipline. Being that they are being given a ‘pass’ of sorts, a lot more guys are doing the craziest things because they know that they will get away with it. Basically, there is a domino effect occurring and I fear that it will all come to a head soon.

I have given this situation a great deal of thought and in the end, there is no winning. It will simply go round and round. The administration has to do everything in their power to keep us relatively safe. The ‘shot callers’ within the inmate population want to make sure that everyone is behaving as they should.

There is no fix here.

The days really go by so much easier when you have things to look forward to.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

This month will be really great for me. On top of the fact that my football team will be in the Superbowl today, I have a lot of things to look forward to.

My best friend in the world, Joe, will be here from Boston on the 23^rd and 24^th. Our friend Aiden, will be here on the 26^th but he will only be visiting with my mom. Still, I am oddly happy about that. We have food visit on Sunday the 10^th so Mom, and the rest of the ‘Fam Bam’ will be here with al of my favorite foods to feed me. That is always a good time.

There are also a couple of really interesting guys who have reached out to me whom I have responded to. I am waiting to hear back from them. The most intriguing is a guy named Rich who is originally from Boston but currently living in Las Vegas.

Yes, this should be a really wonderful month!

FOOD VISIT!!!!!!

My state of employment is uncertain...

Monday, January 28, 2013

John and I have not worked for a couple of weeks now. I am sitting at my desk in my run, ready to go, but considering that it is already 7:30 AM, it’s not looking very promising. I have never been a fan of uncertainty so the fact that our boss has not had the common courtesy to communicate with us is irritating me to no end.

Over the past couple of months, it has become obvious that our boss has lost his drive. Hell, we all have in a way when it comes to work. Still, it does serve to break up my day so it would be nice to get back to my old schedule. In my gut though, I do not see that really happening anytime soon. The time is coming for me to make a final decision in regard to whether I stop working all together and focus on writing my book – or simply continue on hanging in the balance.

Keeping the displaced aggression in check; "When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. "

Monday, January 28, 2013

Toward the end of last week, it became clear to me that I was losing my composure. I mean, I do my best to everyday with a smile on my face, I find myself repeating a line that Anne Bancroft (one of my favorite actresses) used to say; “I never did mind about the little things…”  Problem is, without realizing it, all those little things have built up – hidden inside of me somewhere. When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. In my case, I cannot tell you what my recent trigger was. It happened so fast.

There was nothing physical or violent; simply mental and in turn, emotional. Once I was doen with my verbal tirade, I simply shut down. That in mind, I have been incredibly antisocial since Thursday. Mom and Kevin were here yesterday and they could tell I was not in the best space mentally. Ironically, Mom had already spoken to my friend Joe and was aware that I was not doing well. Rather than asking what was going on, she simply said that she and Joe wanted me to try and stay positive and to manage my temper.

There is no doubt – that was the icing on the cake.

Here’s the deal. I know that my friends and family love me and always want the best for me. Sometimes I think I have over-shared about this experience with them. In this circumstance, I most definitely had.

Up until yesterday, we had been on a complete lockdown for 10 days. Since the 1^st of the year, we have had deaths, serious assaults, overdoses etc. It is expected that all of these things will happen in prison, but lately, it has been happening at an overwhelming rate. I have no problem being locked down when I am alone. But when I am surrounded by 36 idiots who are running around high and acting stupid, and who also have incredibly bad hygiene….  Well, it’s not exactly pleasant. Halfway through our lockdown, all of our toilets broke down. On top of that, our ventilation system failed so we had no air circulation (in fact, we still don’t…) Needless to say, the aroma in my run is an assault to the senses.

Strangely, I found myself apologizing to myself before my meltdown, but I had to let it all out. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Do I wish my friends and family understood more? You betcha. But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. It’s something that I have to deal with. After all, it’s my fault that I am here in the first place.

 

Getting back to normal; my "Normal"; "By the end of the day, I was mentally fried."

Friday, January 25, 2013

The yard was officially placed back onto normal operations yesterday morning. My day however was incredibly irritating. When I complained about it to John, he reminded me that everything that I was complaining about, has always gone on, but due to our long lockdown, I had become spoiled. I couldn’t believe he said that, but after I sat down to give it some thought, I realized that he was right. I had to acknowledge that.

From the moment the yard opened, everyone all of a sudden needed me for something. “Can you help me with this?”, “Can you fix this, fix that?”, “Can you talk to this person for me?”, “Do you have this?”, “What’s going on with that?”… I mean, it was seriously nonstop. It went on and on!

As I was working out outside at the dip bars, I was interrupted almost between every set. I don’t know it just seemed like I had to hold everyone’s hand and it really got to me. By the end of the day, I was mentally fried and tried to stay up to take some advantage of the peace and quiet, but my eyes would not stay open.

I have no idea as to when I will be going back to work. I spoke to a lieutenant this morning and she informed me that my boss is covering someone else’s position while they are on maternity leave. The fact that he did not communicate that with me or John bothered me, but there is not much I can do about it. It’s not as if we are a priority or anything. Guys in orange are never a priority unless we do something bad. In any case, there is a possibility that we will not work in weeks which will probably end up driving me crazy. Again, I have no control.

When friends need you and you can't be there; "It bothers me to no end that I cannot."

Thursday, January 22, 2013

Joe has really been going through a hard time lately. Last time I spoke to him, there was an evident sadness to his voice because he lost his cat, Lenny to old age. Last year, he lost his other cat, George (Lenny’s brother). Those who are pet owners know that animals that you have had for years, really do become part of the family.

But the past couple of years have not been particularly easy for Joe. A lifelong friend of his passed away after a rather quick, but painful bout with cancer. On top of that, Joe has been wrestling with a couple of health issues and now, his pets are both gone. I feel like I am the one that is supposes to be there to help and support him with whatever he needs, and it bothers me to no end that I cannot. Joe is very strong, and stubborn so I know he will be fine. But that doesn’t help the fact that I wish I could do something for him besides listen and write.

To those of us in prison who have solid relationships with friends and family, a level of resentment develops. I'd go as far as to say that it may even border on jealousy. I was blissfully unaware of this phenomenon until certain things were thrown in my face with regard to my relationship with my mom and Kevin. Ironically, it was through Joe that I began to realize it. I think it is safe to say that he never thought it would happen with him, only it has, indirectly.

With my mother, it had been just her and I for so long that I had become the ‘man in her life’. Even as a teen, I would take care of the bills, the house, the car maintenance etc. I did my best to stay on top of things and I was a perfectionist at it. I knew who my mom was as a woman, and what was acceptable.

When Kevin came into the picture, I was happy for her. Over the years however, I have taken note of the fact that I still feel I know what’s best for her. With that in mind, I have had difficulty accepting her choice to accept Kevin’s decisions and advice over my own. It’s been a process but I am able to see the dynamic clearly now. Still, there are some heavy moments of resentment and it really stems back to the plain fact that I cannot be there to help take care of things. It’s completely ridiculous I know, but I will catch myself saying things like; “If I was there…” or “You shouldn’t do that, you should do this…” It is hard to relinquish power or even influence.

With Joe, I have realized that I have developed a resentment toward a friend of his and my mother’s; Aiden. When something is going wrong in Joe’s life, Aiden is there to help. Initially, I was happy that he was there. Over time however, I have grown to feel that it is I who is supposed to be the one there for him to help. Look, I know this is all so childish…. But sometimes we all act in childish ways. At least I can admit it and acknowledge it for what it is. It’s just one more thing to work on…

In the end of this odyssey, when I am released, I will not be able to swoop in and fix everyone’s problems. I will need to work on me and getting my life together. Whether I am alone or in a relationship, I will have to redirect all that energy into other places. Both mom and Joe have made it this far and have done just fine. It’s time for me to live my life. I really don’t want to be the “fixer”.

It’s time to find my own purpose.

New and intriguing connections...

Thursday, January 22, 2013

This past weekend, I received a manila envelope with a letter and photos enclosed from a man named Dre. It has been a long time since I have received any correspondence to which I have really felt an instinctual urge to respond back to. So I did. We shall see where this goes.

Along with that, I also heard back from one of my cousins, Candice, who lives in Atlanta. She is on my biological father's side of the family and we pretty much grew up together. Over the years, she has fallen off in her writing but I know that she has other things going on. It was so great to hear from her though. I have always felt very close to that side of my family and it really is wonderful to hear from them.

Last, but not least, I heard from my ex Marc (no relation to the Marc I needed to call this past weekend…). He was hired by a magazine in New York and will be moving to Manhattan from San Francisco where he currently lives.  I am really very happy for him. I must’ve read his letter ten times or so. It’s really good to hear that he is doing so well and thriving in this economy. My response was short and sweet, but warm.

That chapter of my life is certainly over but I will always wish him the best.

 

Patiently waiting for a change of pace; "People here, just do not want to play nice with others."

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It’s hard to believe that we have only been under Normal Operations for 8 days out of the 22 of this new year. I’m not sure what I should conclude from this other ther than the fact that people here, just do not want to play nice with others.

There has been one serious assault after another and I know that the administrators are trying their best to get a hold of it. The problem is that for them, the only option is mass punishment; hence the lockdowns and revocation of visitation privileges over this past weekend.

As a whole, I was not nearly as upset as the rest of the population, but then again, I have been on some of the most violent yards in this state. I’m well aware of what the administrators will do when their hands are tied. Though I am not a fan of mass punishment, even I have to agree that this, is really their only option.

I was not expecting a visit this weekend so my family and friends were not affected by this. I did however look forward to my weekend phone calls to Joe and I really needed to call Marc and speak to him as well. Instead, I wrote letters, watched the Food Network, ate too much, worked out too much (I am entirely too sore) and got caught up on sleep.

Being that yesterday was a holiday, we were locked down anyway. At the moment it is 5:30 AM. The yard should have already opened up if they were planning on taking us off of Lockdown. Since they have not, I will have to come up with some things to occupy my time today.

 

A brand new kind of me; "I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The past 48 hours have been filled with some serious soul searching and “me time”. To say that I have been antisocial -would be a gross understatement.

Yesterday morning, someone that I consider a friend, was seriously assaulted outside and left there lying alone and bleeding from the head. I was inside at the time and was completely unaware of what was taking place. As usual, when staff finally realized what had taken place, we were immediately placed back on Lock Down status.

As the facts of the event came in, I remained quiet but my anger and disgust within began to rise and rise. Hearing guys laughing and telling jokes about it was a tipping point for me. I grabbed my towel and headed to the shower where I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown. This shit, is NOT okay.

Over the years, I have certainly become desensitized to many acts of violence and wrong doings. But it is always different when it is someone you truly know. There is no place deep enough within my mind to bury that and ignore it. This event in particular brought a wave of memories of so many things I have seen and with that, a lingering question that simmers within me; “how is it that I have gotten to a point where these act have been okay, accepted, and then ignored?”

Am I mentally weak? Selectively blind? Have I become an advocate for violence? Am I non-feeling?

Have I become one of “them”?

I have rational explanations for all of these questions to self, and each of them lead to survival – both mentally and physically. But it’s not enough. I need to find myself back to me… I’m not lost, but I have been ignoring too many things simply so that I can be “okay” and continue to move forward. This behavior is not acceptable to me and only I can change it.

The Scottsdale forum on me; "People did not have the courage to say who they were."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

So I received a very intriguing printout from Joe. Apparently there is a forum online where people who know me (or have known me) can comment there. I read each one of the 14 entries carefully and was surprised that none of them were particularly recent. I also noted that people did not have the courage to say who they were or explain why they chose to leave certain comments. It was all very interesting to me I suppose.

One comment stated; “Be careful…” Hmmmm   I guess that by process of elimination, I could likely figure out who this is, but is it really that important to me?

No.

Another comment declared; “I went to high school with him”…. I would definitely like to know who that was.

Anyway, it just came as a surprise to me. I wish that people would, in essence, ‘man up’ and say who they are. I have absolutely nothing to hide and have never laid claim that I am perfect.

It is… what it is.

http://www.topix.com/forum/city/scottsdale-az/TLS4K5FTU974P4DK1

High standards

Monday, January 14, 2013

“ David has incredibly high (Ok, let’s be real; ridiculous…) standards when it comes to the people he respects”

This was a sentence used to jokingly describe me from one friend of mine to another. When I heard it, I was slightly irritated at first. Then John began to list out all the things about me that warrant this sentence. I sat back quietly and realized that the statement was true. The kicker is that I had very high standards and expectations outside of these walls.  When you consider what they are in here…. well it’s no wonder people might think those standards are ridiculous. Anyway, I am not irritated anymore because I “get it" and will embrace the fact that it is just who I am.

I think it's time for a change; "I realized that I am so over "it". "

Monday, January 14, 2013

So, I went into work today and found myself simply going through the motions. Since I practically took the entire previous week off, I had a lot to catch up on but instead, I found myself sitting there in disgust. It was like a light switch was flipped; I realized that I am so over "it". I am so tired of hearing people complain about the most juvenile shit. These grown-ass men here absolutely refuse to take any form of responsibility for anything!

As I was processing this thought, my mind segued to the people themselves.

As I scanned the room, I took in the sight of all these transient looking men; no teeth, scraggly hair, old faded tattoos, bodies of ill proportion… I wondered how this happened and why? I have to admit we have some horribly unattractive men here, many with unbelievably poor hygiene habits. Most of the somewhat “normal” guys have taken to assigning names or terms for their habits:

·       The “Fireman”; An inmate who sleeps fully dressed, gets out of bed and immediately runs to the chow hall for every meal without washing his face or brushing his teeth.

·       The “Caveman”; An inmate who doesn’t shower at all – for any reason. It’s if they have an allergy to water.

·       The “No follow through guy”; An inmate who will work out, play basketball and then afterward, take a shower only to put the same funky underwear back on.

·       The “Water Shitter”; An inmate who lifts the toilet seat and then sits inside the toilet, way down to take his bowle movement.

·       “Saskwatch Feet”; An inmate who showers barefoot without shower shoes

·       The “Tooth Obsessed”; An inmate who, due to crystal meth, has now only one tooth in his entire mouth and proceed to brush and care for it like it is a fricken diamond.

·       The “No Wiper”; An inmate how has a bowel movement and never wipes. He simply gets up and goes about his business.

·       The “Naked Shitter”; An inmate that must be completely nakes to have a bowel movement.

Now, hopefully you can understand why I have become a bit jaded when it comes to certain individuals that I live around!